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September 27, 2023

An Explanation, and a Public Shaming: What Are “Things Nintendo Owes Me After Quest for Camelot?” Mobi

by James Jones - 8:13 pm EDT
Total comments: 2


I just played the first level of Quest for Camelot, the latest addition to the Nintendo Switch Online's Game Boy Color library, and I'm in pain. This addition was so substantial that Nintendo deemed it worthy of being the only English language NSO game in that batch (other titles: Kirby’s Star Stacker, Joy Mech Fight, Downtown Nekketsu March Super-Awesome Field Day!).


March 10, 2023

I Saw Three Images and I'm Enraged Switch

by James Jones - 9:52 am EST
Total comments: 4

When they say life comes at you fast, they aren't taking the eShop's terrible latency into account.

I am incensed. I am bewildered. I am awake, well beyond my bedtime, unable to calm a mind poisoned by confusion.

I was in the eShop, minding my own business, trauma-dumping dubious products into the Nintendo World Report Discord (join today!). I consider this a form of ablution; I behold the inexplicable, and I then cleanse it from my mind by delivering it to you - our unsuspecting readers.


December 21, 2021

A Businessman's Prerogative: Meta, NFT, and Repeating Other Meaningless Buzzwords to Make Me Money SwitchMobi

by James Jones - 9:54 pm EST
Total comments: 4

I'm here to get paid.

Screw Mario Kart; let me own Pikachu.

You heard me.

I will not be stifled by concerns of unclean language. Screw Mario. I don't want his kart, or his dinosaur, or even his brother. I want to own Pikachu. It's that simple. In the immortal words of Dave “Batista” Bautista, “GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! [Mario?] THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT!” I want to own Pikachu. Not at WrestleMania, but broadly.


October 20, 2021

Pokémon Legends: Arceus: Is The Pokémon Company Lying To You? The Answer May Surprise You! Switch

by James Jones - 5:53 pm EDT
Total comments: 2

Yes. The answer is yes.

My shift key is extremely tired; it is a totem of my rage, mechanical and metaphorical. It served as the receptacle for my frustration. The caps lock key is for people who pretend to be angry, the shift key is for patrons of poisoned passion.

What has created such venomed words, and such humored blood? A Pokémon trailer.


August 10, 2021

A Businessman's Prerogative: FOMO on News

by James Jones - 5:23 pm EDT
Discuss in talkback!

A new era of Nintendo analysis has begun; introducing A Businessman's Prerogative.

A brief preamble: I am a gifted businessman. My opinions are the bedrock of great enterprises. You should listen to A Businessman's Prerogative - short free ideas for building wealth.

Today we're going to discuss the day's news: tomorrow there will be news.

A...

May 30, 2020

Putting a Stop to Dr. Mario World's Degree Mills: This Article Is a Cry for Help Mobi

by James Jones - 4:19 pm EDT
Total comments: 7

This is no longer a joke, lives are on the line. Mine.

Dr. Mario World is the worst kind of mobile game. No, I don't mean a mobile game with spinners, gauges, and loot boxes. These are moral inadequacies that have their own inquisitors and shall not peddle my expertise where it is not needed. It is also true that Dr. Mario World is now dealing in medical... Read more...

April 1, 2019

Nicalis: 2019's April Fool WiiU

by James Jones - 8:42 pm EDT
Total comments: 5

Using April Fools Day to break a multi-year silence on a game people already paid for is outrageously disrespectful.

April Fools Day is a minefield of our own creation; brands throw out “ideas” into the world that are obviously farcical, selling us on the prospects of a vegan-friendly Doom sequel or a new Atari console in 2019. Social media just gave companies more tools to wear these jokes into dust. At their best, April Fools jokes can be a chance to laugh with your audience.


December 9, 2013

What to Announce When You're Announcing WiiU

by James Jones - 6:03 pm EST
Total comments: 9

Read this article for a major surprise announcement.

I'm eternally unable to finish writing anything unless I find it utterly perfect. This almost always results in long writing cycles and discarded works. I've decided to challenge myself, in an attempt to break these barriers. My intent is to write small essays (limit of 300 words) about topics I’m not inclined to write about. Hopefully this process does not cause so much mental anguish that I never attempt this again.


May 23, 2013

On Predictions, Introspection, and Group Psychology: The Fan in Fanatic WiiU3DS

by James Jones - 11:47 pm EDT
Total comments: 4

It's hard to write a good article about your feelings when you're not entirely sure what they are.

This article was originally about EA’s securing of the Star Wars license. I intended to explore their internal development teams and try to find obvious opportunities for them to best use the Star Wars license. It was a fluff piece. I thought that if I hit a single prediction I could celebrate it as if I were Nostradamus, and if I missed entirely I could forget it ever existed. 

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