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Move over, Paul Marketing! It's Paul Jon-keting's time to shine.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/63922/episode-826-chief-marketing-officer-jon-lindemann
If I literally put his name in the title, do you think he'll listen to an episode he isn't on?
Place your bets in the comments.
Without the ironman, we focus on building an email-centric show this week. Topics covered: Nintendo's cardboard future, Nintendo's failure future, and Nintendo's Nic Cage future.
I don't know either, at this point. Emails go here, I guess...
We wrap the show up with a little bit of New Business. All of us played Kirby Tilt 'n' Tumble, recently added to the Nintendo Switch Online service. Guillaume has been playing Space Invaders Gigamax 4 SE, part of the Space Invaders Invincible Collection, as well as the time-limited multiplayer-only demo for Puzzle Bobble Everybubble!
The most important article you'll read this week. For the next few weeks.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/feature/63911/a-warriors-warrior-warriors-for-warriors-warriors
It's June. We are days away from the one year anniversary of Nintendo's last Warriors game, Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes.
Not to spoil the content of this literary masterwork, but it hinges on whether or not a person sleeping under a tree woke up during the first mission of Three Houses and ends with lizard people.
11 months since the last Nintendo Warriors game is 12 months too long for a Nintendo Warriors game. In fact, did you know if you were born in July, 2022 you have never seen a Nintendo Warriors game. You've lived your entire life without a Nintendo Warriors game of your own.
We have also waited for many franchises to receive their first Warriors entry. Far be it from me to deny you another chance to play as a half-dozen Links or the latest Intelligent Systems-designed mommy-dom spicy fanart bait, but it is beyond time to expand the horizons of Warriors Representation.
Nintendo has many franchises suited for the wide-scale enemy thwacking Warriors series, such as:
It isn't just that fans of beloved franchises are going underserved, it's that I'm going underserved. I have a trembling need to press a single button thirty times in a row. Exposing more fanbases to the Warriors format will allow the concept to spread. Age of Calamity was the best selling Warriors spin-off to date, and the fruit being left to over-ripen by returning to Zelda/Fire Emblem is potentially sacrificing wins tied to other Switch success stories.
It's also just uncreative. Nintendo and Koei Tecmo have limited themselves to Nintendo's war-centric franchises. It's an absolute miss. Military violence need not be the only thing in play when we also have comedic and cartoon violence that we can dish out on a mechanical scale.
You know what, I'll prove it.
Over the next few weeks, starting this Sunday, I'll help paint a picture. Take to social media and reply to every Nintendo of America tweet they should resist "Tears of the Warriors" and instead start on a new path.
Start with this one!
You’re using tilt controls! 🔄🔃
— Nintendo of America (@NintendoAmerica) June 8, 2023
Move your #NintendoSwitch every which way to master the tilt technique in Kirby Tilt ‘n’ Tumble, available now for #NintendoSwitchOnline members! pic.twitter.com/tOzOTpfFDn
We, the voice of a generation, will demand Looksley's Line Up Warriors.
It's just Jon and James this week, so we're all pretty much doomed as it is.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/sitenews/63559/talk-rfn-a-live-call-in-this-thursday
GOOD MORNING/AFTERNOON/EVENING TO ALL MY HATERS
As you may not know, RFN is a wounded animal this week: Greg is out for the NFL Draft and Gui is still on his vacation.
But with God as my witness, I promised you THREE EMAILS. And I lied like a dog. Instead, Jon and I will be hosting TALK RFN!!! a new radio show, right here, in the NWR Discord.
Go Ahead, Caller!
That's right, you'll be able to ask us a question - and then take your answer off air. This ain't a debate show.
So think up your most pressing questions, business quandaries, future projections, and erstwhile abominable **** and join us in the NWR Discord.
THURDAY, APRIL 27 AT 9:30 PM EASTERN.
Alternate stream available at the NWR Twitch, and the episode will be released as 820 on Sunday.
The shocking part is our listeners didn't write it.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/63163/episode-814-north-korea-is-directly-responsible-for-the-worst-email-ive-ever-read
This week sets new standards for inefficiency. We really only managed to cover a single email AND A single New Business topic.
Without Jon, I guess we just don't have the ruthless efficiency he demands.
An unintentionally lengthy conversation about the psychology of Nintendo Directs gives way to a likewise-unintentionally long conversation about harvesting the last bits from the eShop.
It's a Birth and Death narrative this week.
You can send your emails here.
RetroActive 52: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker is coming up. Comments go here!
The line will stretch to the horizon.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/63109/episode-813-warios-iconic-garlic
Jon was unavailable, and will remain as such next week. Also unavailable: the notes I took during the recording session.
Instead, here is a list of things I think I remember being in the show!
The good news, I know what emails we talked about. This week we talk about better alternatives to Mario's boots and our feelings about the upcoming Tetris movie.
Emails go here.
RetroActive 52: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker is coming up. Comments go here!
When they say life comes at you fast, they aren't taking the eShop's terrible latency into account.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/editorial/63091/i-saw-three-images-and-im-enraged
I am incensed.I am bewildered.I am awake, well beyond my bedtime, unable to calm a mind poisoned by confusion.
I was in the eShop, minding my own business, trauma-dumping dubious products into the Nintendo World Report Discord (join today!). I consider this a form of ablution; I behold the inexplicable, and I then cleanse it from my mind by delivering it to you - our unsuspecting readers.
This is a positive relationship dynamic, where I unload my mental plaque into your unbraced eyes. Again, join the NWR Discord. I gain serenity and you...
You.. you should join the NWR Discord!
Today I confronted Hentai Horrors, European Excretions, Lousy Logos, and games that even a thorough reading of the description and pursual of the included images fails to yield even the slightest hint as to what the game is. It is reading a long dead language, who's speakers recorded the totality of their society's combined knowledge by stacking pebbles. Their handywork we recognize, but it is utterly inscrutable.
Sometimes two of these dubious products can create a sort of exhibit hall of the ill-defined, ill-conceived, and ill-intent.
But not today.
Today's stroll through History's Worst Art Gallery did not present me with yet more AAA Clocks. No, behind the glass case, away from the crowds trying to use flash photography on art behind Lexan, was a Tragic Triptych of Technological Trauma. And now, as your curator, I must pass this trauma to you.
There is nothing normal happening in this image. Conditioned as I am, eyes passing left to right, my neurons are exploding as I scan the page.
After doomscrolling through about one-hundred rows of eShop refuse, my eyes had assuredly started to glaze over. It was the faded middle image that paused my scroll wheel. I assumed that this washed-out image was an accident by the publisher, something that should be unthinkable, but we live in a world where this eShop thumbnail happened.
Nothing is unthinkable.
From there my eyes were wrenched leftward, examining a pool party image that is below stock photo quality. The guy on the bottom right is pogging.
THE GUY ON THE BOTTOM RIGHT IS POGGING.
Some faces show joy, some show fear, there's a guy with a lawn flamingo. Every time I look at their faces, I see new emotions. But that man always pogs. Two Joy Con with straps. I assume this is some Wii Sports style beach party, but maybe it's a survival game set at a haunted pool. Only the terrified woman in a donut innertube knows for sure.
That. Man. Is. Pogging.
Comparatively, the washed-out Cooking Tycoons 3: 3-in-1 Bundle was absolutely banal. Generic mobile game-looking art of people doing vaguely food things. Everyone is hands on hips, hip out, present food also there's a building made out of candy I guess. Boring game left in the sun too long. Colors faded, symbolism inescapble.
Continuing rightward it's that damn cat again. She Wants Me Dead releases seemingly every week, with some new decorator on top. This week it's "Ultimate Edition," I'm sure next week it will be "Deluxe Edition" or "Extended Edition." Oh, no those already happened.
So far, this trio was only mildly bewildering, until the last small detail pulled my heart from my chest. "Out of Stock."
Cooking Tycoon 3: 3-in 1 Bundle, a digital-only product, is out of stock.
Out of stock?
OUT OF STOCK!
I can't with this. Why are digital products allowed to be "out of stock?" Did we run out of bits? Someone had to program this stupid flag. Did they know the outrageousness of their ask? Were they told? Was it manifestly obvious? I simply cannot with this.
Am I supposed to believe the demand for Cooking Tycoon 3: 3-in-1 Bundle so outstripped supply that they're now unable to meet the needs of a frothing market? No, they've decided to stop selling this particular bundle. Why not simply delist it? Is this some kind of reverse-psychology Cartmanland "and you can't come" stuff?
Why is this badge even a thing? I don't understand.
On review, it seems this isn't even our first sighting of this pointless logo! That damned cat also has an "out of stock" free soundtrack. But this? This is the actual game.
It's one thing for AAA Clock to do twenty releases, or for the eShop to insist on showing DLC like they're actual games, or for the same game to get 11 premium SKUs - drip-fed out each week to stay at the top of the "Recent" list. It is entirely another for a digital product to have sold out.
I am the pogging man, finger extended in warning, aimed directly at the heart of the out of stock banner. My face, contorted in shock and horror.
This. Man. Is. Pogging.
...and I refuse this.
Please stop auto-generating my show; you're making me obsolete. It's my job to make me obsolete.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/63003/episode-811-listen-to-us-talking-about-the-latest-releases-and-classic-games-just-like-every-week
This article was not generated by an Artificial Intelligence.
Jon Lindemann is not part of the show this week. This podcast covers the latest release from Nintendo: the Nintendo Switch Online Gameboy and Gameboy Advance games, Kirby's Return to Dreamland demo, and Bayonetta 3. We also discuss the latest version of LEGO Star Wars, The Skywalker Saga, and why Guillaume has stopped playing Blue Dragon.
This podcast enjoys getting emails and requests you send them to the email address.
SUPER JACKPOT, BAY-BEE!
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/62576/episode-804-walking-on-sunshine-dourly
This is the first episode we recorded in 2023, and the first time we had been together since before Christmas, so getting the band back together had some predictably rocky results. And Jon isn't even back yet!
This week, James kicks off 2023 by steadfastly refusing to talk about the Visual Novel he played over the holidays. RFN's holiday tradition continues into its third year. Will he tell you what the title was? No; just pretend he said he played 13 Sentinels again, and told you it was kick-ass. You should be playing that anyway.
Instead, James wastes everyone's time reviewing The 2022 RFN Top Site Image of the Year Tournament. He made a lot of art to promote the show over the last year, and then hijacked the NWR Twitch account to hold a tournament to select the best one. So yes, he used the podcast to waste your time, talking about how he wasted everyone else's time a week earlier.
Thanks to everyone who came out to help us pick THE GREATEST RFN ART of 2022.
— James Jones (@NWR_James) December 30, 2022
Our Winners:
3. "'Chaotic' Gore MacGala is Not Looking for a Square-Go"
2. "For a Safe and Secure Magic Kingdom"
1. "Mad Whale McCree" pic.twitter.com/XV72RCH98F
He also spent a bunch of time with the Nintendo eShop, and was dumbfounded by how a few companies have taken to "naming" their games like a word jumble. Donald wrote an editorial about the very subject, but James has a solution! This problem is nothing some Machine Learning can't address. Also, the games on the Nintendo Switch Online service are bad, The Peace Keepers in particular.
Guillaume can't shake Pinball FX3, and if I had the ability I would have made a pun about putting the table into tilt here. He also rented Bayonetta 3 and Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope. Lastly, he has additional thoughts about playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe DLC.
Greg closes the first New Business of 2023 with a look at Melatonin. The game, not the sleep hormone. A meditative take on the Rhythm Heaven format, he's got some details so those patiently waiting for another Rhythm Heaven fix can find out of this new Switch game is for them.
After a break, the trio take on a few Listener Mail emails. This week we have two questions about the Mario movie: what were our reactions to the second wave of trailers and how many easter eggs do we expect to see in the film. Our last question asks how, in light of Russia's monstrous invasion of Ukraine, we can have Call of Duty but not Advance Wars. You can force us to make statements on on-going acts of international criminality by sending us an email.
We're going deep on Xenoblade Chronicles 3, FOR CHRISTMAS.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/62470/episode-802-rejecting-your-family-portrait-xenoblade-chronicles-3-spoilercast
We've promised it for a while, and in the spirit of the season we offer you a gift: The Xenoblade Chronicles 3 Spoilercast.
This episode features Greg, Syrenne, and James talking: plot, gameplay, art, music, and the larger series.
I shouldn't have to say it, but this podcast is chock-full of spoilers for Xenoblade Chronicles 3. However, given 3's ties to the larger series, the remainder of the Xenoblade universe is also fair game. Xenoblade Chronicles 2's plot is discussed at length, and both Xenoblade Chronicles and Xenoblade Chronicles X have some spoilers throughout. Consider yourself warned.
This is by far one of the longest episodes we've ever released, clocking in at a whopping 3:45 and took a heck of a long time to edit. Throughout, musical inclusions tie to the content being discussed or are demonstrative of the extensive musical conversations. If you would prefer to listen to the show without the interlude music, you can download it here.
If you'd like to jump around the episode, I've done my best to bookmark the major topics in the RSS feed without spoiling plot via the titles.
Next week, we have a pre-recorded Listener Mail show with Jon and Guillaume joining Greg and James. We'll be back in the new year, but don't wait to send us any questions you have.
Happy Holidays.
Where, when, and how to listen to the Kirby and the Rainbow Curse RetroActive
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/sitenews/62325/rfn-episode-800-live-show
It's finally time for Radio Free Nintendo's Episode 800, where we will be doing a LIVE RetroActive on Kirby and the Rainbow Curse.
We're scheduled to start at 1 PM, but expect technical trouble, so the real show wont start until 1:30 PM. Join early for the live-only faffing about that wont be in the podcast.
Your move James. Make a TSI for this abomination of a title!
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/62281/episode-799-furry-hentai-tangram-is-competing-with-betty-whites-pet-talk-show
Okay, passive-aggressive Abstract, I will make a TSI for "Furry Hentai Tangram is Competing With Betty White's Pet Talk Show."
With that entirely inappropriate behavior out of the way, here's a very professional reminder that Saturday, Dec. 10 @ 1:00 PM Eastern we will be recording Episode 800 live, here at Nintendo World Report. There will be an article posted by Friday with all the details on how you can listen and join in. During that episode, we will be recording our RetroActive for Kirby and the Rainbow Curse, to honor the tenth birthday of the very-dead Wii U. Good news, the game is very short. Feel free to start now, and you'll be in a good position to talk with us about Kirby's line-driven game. If you can't make it, feel free to post your comments in the talkback thread.
Now, back to the entirely inappropriate behavior. We took our first vacation all year, and somehow managed to forget that both Jon and Greg were pre-scheduled to be out this week. For a normal podcast, with a plan and foresight, this would be a catastrophe. They would have to come up with a plan on the fly. But RFN? RFN never has a plan, so the plan cannot be disrupted. We are invincible.
Good news for us, Karen was available to join us to talk Pentiment, for Xbox platforms. Not only is she something of an expert on the era, she's actually created an illuminated manuscript page. She and Gui have also logged more time with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Cowabunga Collection, perhaps to a dangerous extent. Gui took some time to look at the recently-released golf mode in Switch Sports, and it turns out it's just Wii Sports Golf. Again. Lastly, he has impressions of feeding anthropomorphic newsies directly into the engine of war with Fuga: Melodies of Steel.
After a break, we bid Karen off, leaving Gui and James to discuss the lore implications of James' now-complete run of Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes. What is canon in the face of a fan fiction self-insert?
Finally, the duo dive into a single - haunting - email: is there simply too much stuff on the Switch eShop. This question was not entirely without self-interest, as the source is NWR's own Donald Theriault, who is subjected to the Sisyphean task of chronicling each release. You can ask us to validate your cries for help here.
A visual novel for those of us who are only interested in painting beautiful women.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/review/62006/fault-stp-lightkravte-switch-review
Reviewing a Visual Novel is a new challenge, and so I’ll start with my conclusion and try to work my way backwards: fault - StP - LIGHTKRAVTE is a story set in an interesting world, that it never quite puts to full use, and lacks the narrative power to make me invested in its story. It’s by no means bad in what it sets out to do, but I can’t recommend it to anyone but fans of visual novels and fantasy settings.
This is a pure visual novel. The only thing the Switch’s buttons do are advance the text, bring up the text logs, and open the menu. There’s no decisions to make, there’s paths, this is a short story. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m diminishing this form. I've enjoyed more than a few such visual novels, but I want to make sure the prospective audience understands what this is. If a roughly six-hour short story, accented with well-animated character art and charming music, isn’t of interest then there’s no reason for you to continue reading.
For those of you who remain, let’s talk about fault - StP - LIGHTKRAVTE. This is the first prequel to the fault series of visual novels. The StP sub-series is setting out to explore the backstory of the two protagonists of the previous fault titles. LIGHTKRAVTE is set in a peaceful and prosperous high-fantasy kingdom, where magic’s role in society is increasingly being replaced with technology. Still, the elite talents and noble bloodlines of this feudal society embrace a life of magic, called crafting, and are charged with progressing, governing, or defending society.
Having not read anything in the fault series, I wanted to test the marketing that claims LIGHTKRAVTE is a good starting point for the series. I largely agree that the addition of a robust dictionary, which explains the various elements of the world, makes LIGHTKRAVTE an acceptable starting point. However, not knowing that the larger series is about a generationally talented crafter Ritona and her charge, a sprightly and mysterious Princess Selphine, made me wonder why these two seemed to get all the spotlight moments instead of our protagonist. Even when he makes a life-altering and poignant decision, it’s largely framed by how those two perceived it.
It’s a shame because Khaji’s character suffers in what should have been his coming of age story. A young man who wants, above all else, to make his way in the world painting portraits of women, he is by sheer luck of bad genetics unable to paint. His goal, to find a way to permanently capture the radiance of those around him, actually serves as a good framing device to introduce the high fantasy and science fiction elements of the fault universe. And, given the high status of many of his subjects, provides hints of the series’ larger political context. The problem is he’s prone to whining, and it seems incongruent with his moments of personal strength.
He does have his moment. He does recognize what he needs to give up to achieve his goals. He does mature enough to recognize that those whom he envied each have their own challenges. He does persevere in ways that even he believed were beyond him. But even in his moment of personal growth, the focus falls back on the series’ true protagonists. Making him more central, more likable, and focusing on that rather than what at times felt like excessive world building, would have gone a long way.
fault - StP - LIGHTKRAVTE is an incredibly silly name, for what ultimately is an at-times interesting visual novel that just can’t strike the right balance of world building, character development, and filling the role of a prequel to content much of the audience may not have seen. I think the authors did Khaji dirty by making him such a complainer who seems eager to just give up. His actions show him to be a stronger person than his dialog presents. The world of fault seems to be interesting, and I’d be lying if I wasn’t interested in seeing more of it, but the focus on world building hurts narrative progression. I’m confident existing fans of the fault series will enjoy LIGHTKRAVTE, and people who enjoy reading stories about fantasy worlds may find the fault world to be interesting. However, I think the lack of a compelling protagonist really brings it down.
Turns out we do miss Jon when he's gone. Sort of.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/61325/episode-786-monkeys-withdrawal
Jon is out this week, doing whatever. It turns out we could have used the old scamp because we come out of the gate with a trio of emails. This week we: explore the emotional impact of shared experiences, take dangerous and untested memory drugs, and decide if we still want to cover SNK now that it's owned by a front for tyrannical dictator. If only we had Jon's impish glee. You can try to deposit some kind of positivity here.
After a break we dig into our New Business. Gui's review of Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2 is up, so go give it a read. He's also worked through a few more chapters of Live A Live, and he's still really enjoying it. Lastly, both Greg and James are well into Xenoblade Chronicles 3. Greg is working through the rapidly opening open world, and James has finally finished off the game.
Ordering knives off TV is a way of life.
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/60544/episode-773-jim-knifeguy
Jon is out this week so we run with a three-man show.
Gui starts New Business with Nobody Saves the World, an experimental RPG from the makers of Guacamelee. James is trying valiantly to come to grips (literally) with Crusader Kings 3 - on Xbox. Greg is exploring the newest additions to the Nintendo Switch Online classic games, including Kirby 64 and Umihara Kawase. He also has final thoughts on the remake of ActRaiser.
After a break we planned to do a couple emails, but inadvertently went long on just one: reboxing videos. You can erase your memories by sending us an email.
Party email in the house tonight. Everybody just have a bad time. And we gon' make you lose your mind. Everybody just have a bad time
http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/rfn/60462/episode-771-oops-all-party-bois
We opted to record a bit of a shorter episode this week, with Jon out, and a general lack of energy. We picked up three email to review: games for when you're just not up to gaming, concepts for Kirby to eliminate, and the future of Club Nintendo. You can fill the inbox here.