We portend the future with startling results.
The latest Nintendo investor meeting showed that Nintendo’s profit-focused financiers aren’t too plussed by the Nintendo Switch and really want Nintendo to go full mobile, especially on the heels of Pokémon Go and the celebrated reveal of Super Mario Run. We decided to go our future-predicting machine - The Future Go Plus - to gaze into the coming years of Nintendo’s Apoc-Go-Lypse.
Super Mario Run launches. People love it. People buy it. Crazy profits for all involved. We are graced with a new animated GIF of Miyamoto and Tim Cook saying “it prints money” or something.
The Nintendo Switch price and release date are revealed. Both are tasteful and expected. The launch lineup is adequate with some pleasant surprises. The accompanying YouTube video - set to The Hold Steady’s “Stuck Between Stations” - does not reach the same view-count highs as the first video.
The Switch debuts, but so do the Fire Emblem and Animal Crossing mobile games. The Switch does alright, but in the first week of release, the Fire Emblem and Animal Crossing games become sentient and start to eradicate all Nintendo Switch systems.
March 2017 (addendum):
By the way, the Fire Emblem game takes the form of Chrom because he’s still pissed he wasn’t playable in Smash Bros. and, duh, the Animal Crossing game takes the form of Mr. Resetti. Just thought we should make that clear.
The few of us that are still alive are enjoying the stellar lineup of Switch’s first few months. Breath of the Wild is amazing, and the Mario Kart, Splatoon, and Smash Bros. Switch versions do enough to feel like new experiences. Some third parties even do stuff.
At an investor meeting, Nintendo’s President Kimishima pledges support for the 3DS through 2019 but also announces a system called 3DS2 that he totally swears isn’t replacing the 3DS. Seriously, you guys. After the meeting, the investors vote out Kimishima and replace him with the sentient Fire Emblem mobile game (in the form of Chrom).
While the new Mario game on Switch totally deserves it, all video game sites proclaim the Fire Emblem and Animal Crossing mobile games as joint Games of the Year. However, the Animal Crossing mobile game (in the form of Mr. Resetti) is tragically murdered by the Xbox Scorpion - which is no longer a video game system but a literal scorpion. All other game companies are put on notice by the Scorpion in a chilling Christmas Eve YouTube video set to “What It Is To Burn” by Finch.
After a mediocre holiday sale season, Nintendo releases a Direct in which they outline their plan to fight against the Xbox Scorpion, as well as announcing plans for Zelda x Persona, Metroid Kart, and F-Zero Prime. Inside the Direct is a coded message from Nintendo’s longtime developers for how to stop the Fire Emblem mobile game from destroying the company. A Reddit thread cracks the code in about 25 minutes.
At the Switch’s one-year anniversary party, the Scorpion attacks, but the true Nintendo fans repel its evil machinations, helping to revive the Animal Crossing mobile game who, betraying everything Mr. Resetti holds true, resets the universe back to October 26, 2016, where we all feel better with the knowledge that maybe we shouldn’t care that much about what Nintendo’s investors think.