Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

The person who orginally came up with this list...

Yup, he's gay.

Funny thing is, that was what I first said. The original title of the list was "Self Exam For Men...Am I gay?"
So it sounds like he's listing off all of his own stuff in a self examining list.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Comeback of the Month

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

[BeautifulShy]

Brillant.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Saloon

A biker rolls into a saloon in the middle of nowhere.
The sign over the bar says:
$2.00 - Cold Beer
$2.50 - Hamburger
$3.00 - Cheese Burger
$50.00 - HandJob

The Biker sees the super hot Barmaid and says,
"Are you the one the gives the Hand Jobs?"

She says with a knowing smile,
"Why yes, yes I am."

He leans over and whispers in her ear,
"Then go wash your fuckin hands, cause I want a cheeseburger!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

*The following joke has been Rated Arruh!! by the Joke Rating Association of America for use of Sexually Suggestive Content*
*Joke Not Intended for Children Under 17*


Girl Talk

Two girls are sitting around chatting about whatever
it is that girls chat about, like hair, nail and boys.

That's when ne girl turned to the other girl and said,
"How many calories do you think there is in cum?"

The second girl replied, "Girl. I wouldn't even worry
about it, because if you are swallowing that much,
he won't care if you get chubby!"

[EasyCure]

hahaha love those last two, i gotta use those some time.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The King Is Dead.... Is It Too Soon?

When Farrah Fawcett met God at the Pearly Gates, he asked her what one wish she would want granted.
She wished that all the children would be safe... a couple hours later Michael Jackson....

---------------------

Since Michael Jackson was 90% plastic, they decided that after the autopsy, they were going to melt him down
and turn him into LEGOS so that the little boys can finally play with him for a change.

---------------------

Michael Jackson's last words: "Take me to the Childrens Hospital"

---------------------

and now for a modified quote from:

The autopsy report came back.... did you know Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning?

Yeah, turns out he ate an 8 year old wiener.

---------------------

[BranDonk Kong]

Dude I made the same joke about a guy I used to work with. He was on the sex offender list because apparently he had a 17 year old girlfriend and he was 35. Anyway, there was another guy named Al, so when they were together I called them "Al-lien VS Sexual Predator". Good times.

[EasyCure]

I heard a homeless man tell the 8 year old weiner joke on the subway once a few years ago, good times!

[BlackNMild2k1]

English Lesson 101

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you ass!
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I' d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

[BlackNMild2k1]

1 Member, 2 Nightmares

A man is driving while his wife is going down on him, when his phone starts to vibrate. His wife
quickly grabs the phone to see who is calling, and recognized the phone number as the woman
that he cheated on her with in the past.

While still holding his member in her hand, they began arguing about his infidelity. As the argument
escalated, and he pleaded his innocence, she reached in her purse and pulled out a knife. Without
warning she cut off his penis and threw it out the window...

It hits the windshield of the car behind them, which was a man driving while talking with his 6yr old
daughter. Both being startled, the 6yr old girl quickly asks, "Daddy, what was that!?"

Not wanting to explain anything sexual to his 6yr old daughter, the man thoughtfully says,
"Don't worry, it was just a bug."

The daughter sat there for a minute and then said, "Wow, that bug sure did have a big dick!"

[EasyCure]

that was the most random LOL ever

[BlackNMild2k1]

10 Things You Shouldn't Say During Sex

10) "We'd better finish up. The game is about to start."

09) "My ex used to do it a LOT longer!"

08) "Did you know the ceiling needs painting?"

07) "Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober..."

06) "And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!"

05) Person 1: "This is your first time... right?" Person 2: "Yeah... today"

04) "Did I mention the video camera?"

03) "You mean you're NOT my blind date?"

02) "On second thought, let's turn off the lights."

01) "But everybody looks funny naked!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes from the past that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=Why You Should Think Before You Speak=-

Have you ever said something outloud only to realize that what you jsut said proably didn't come out in the best way or you just wish you had never said anything at all?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did just that...


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, My sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a Voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when
The door closed behind me, Were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, And he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, Yanked down his pants, Bent over, Spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


SIXTH TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

MY PERSONAL TESTIMONY:

One day while I was at work, I went to Quiznos and got a sandwich and a soup. After I finished the sandwich and soup, I decided to eat the cracker that came with the soup. So I sat back in my chair and enjoyed my crackers while I surfed the internet.
About a minute later my boss hands me some work to do which required me to make some copies of some documents. So I get up from my desk and proceed to walk over to the copier. When I'm about halfway there my boss points out that I have crumbs all over my shirt.
I look down and say "Thats why I f#ckin hate crackers!" as I start brushing all the crumbs off.
A silence falls over the office and another co-worker look at me akwardly. Thats when it dawned on me how some one who didn't know I was just eating crackers might take that statement the wrong way.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes from the Past that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=Learn Something New Today!!!=-

I'll give the first lesson, we'll start with a new language!

Learn Chinese in 3 minutes!...
(You MUST read them out loud)

1.) That's not right ...................................... Sum Ting Wong
2.) Are you harboring a fugitive?...................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.) See me ASAP......................................... Kum Hia Nao
4.) Stupid Man ........................................... Dum Fuk
5.) Small Horse .......................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6.) Did you go to the beach? .......................... Wai Yu So Tan
7.) I bumped into a coffee table ...................... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8.) I think you need a face lift ......................... Chin Tu Fat
9.) It's very dark in here ............................... Wai So Dim
10.) I thought you were on a diet .................... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ........................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........ Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ................................ Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ...................... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ...................... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ................................................. Fa Kin Su Pah
17) That was stupid..................................... So Fa Kin Wii Ta Did 

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=The Good, The Bad & The Ugly=-

1.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


2.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.


3.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.


4.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


5.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.


6.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


7.
Good: You give the  "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly:  With corrections.


8.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


9.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.


10.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way  ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=Did You Know...!?=-

Did you know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood! 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off !
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

(no seriously, a 30 minute orgasm O.O!!! I think I would die from over stimulation and dehydration)

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=It's All Work Related!!=-

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the Time Management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=It's All Work Related!!=-

WORK APTITUDE TEST

             The following short quiz consists of 4 questions which
             will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a
             professional.

             Scroll down for each answer: The questions are NOT that
             difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
             answered the question!

Question #1
           
 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?







             The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,
                  put in the giraffe, and close the door.



This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

Question #2 

2 . How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?







            Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in
            the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong
            Answer.



            Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the
            giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.



This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Question #3

 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All
            the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does
            not attend?






            Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
            refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests
            your memory.



Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Question #4

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited
            by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you
            manage it?





            Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim
            across. Have you not been listening? All the
            crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.


This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.




            According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%
            of the professionals they tested got all questions
            wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct
            answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
            disproves the theory that most professionals have the
            brains of a four year old.   
   

[EasyCure]

WE WANT NEW JOKES!

Its funny cuz this seems like a lazy way to bump this thread, but it really isn't.

[BlackNMild2k1]

WE WANT NEW JOKES!

Its funny cuz this seems like a lazy way to bump this thread, but it really isn't.

I am using it to bump the thread, but its also necessary for archiving purposes. Those other threads will sink to the depths of the Funhouse once again, but they will be easy to find again since the jokes posted in them easily referenced through The Joke Thread.

[EasyCure]

WE WANT NEW JOKES!

Its funny cuz this seems like a lazy way to bump this thread, but it really isn't.

I am using it to bump the thread, but its also necessary for archiving purposes. Those other threads will sink to the depths of the Funhouse once again, but they will be easy to find again since the jokes posted in them easily referenced through The Joke Thread.

Thats w hy i said it isn't an easy way to bump, you have to find all those threads and link them to this for the good of the funhouse. For this we salute you.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=It's All Work Related!!=-

Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity. 


Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=It's All Work Related!!=-

How To Poop At Work:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk really fast around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going to the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This
usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. 

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO
NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
This happens when you walk from the stall, to the
sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
a magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
This is the group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
The P.F.N . group can help you monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This
can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.

WATERMELON:
This is a poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is
often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED:
This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This individual spends extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as
the others in the building.

[Stogi]

What's worse than an apple with a worm in it?

An apple with two worms in it.

What's worse than an apple with two worms in it?



























































The holocaust.