Author Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread  (Read 231560 times)

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Offline EasyCure

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Re: Jokes from the Past - The Joke Thread
« Reply #525 on: July 27, 2009, 03:43:16 PM »
So I'm out to lunch today, eating at the food court of my local mall. There was a small film crew there, only a few feet from my table. They were filming a man doing some sort of video chat with someone else and i clearly overheard the following:

"Yeah? I like to spread it open slowly... then stick my finger in and lick off that delicious cream.."

At first I thought they were filming some erotic scene for a movie or television show, but then I heard the guy say MMMmmmm.. Oreo's

Guess they're going for the same Doritos "Tacos at midnight" demographics :P
« Last Edit: July 27, 2009, 04:19:59 PM by EasyCure »
February 07, 2003, 02:35:52 PM
EASYCURE: I remember thinking(don't ask me why) this was a blond haired, blue eyed, chiseled athlete. Like he looked like Seigfried before he became Nightmare.

Offline Stogi

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Re: Jokes from the Past - The Joke Thread
« Reply #526 on: July 27, 2009, 03:48:03 PM »
Ughhh....that almost made me gag.

The instant rimshot saved it though!
black fairy tales are better at sports

Offline EasyCure

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Re: Jokes from the Past - The Joke Thread
« Reply #527 on: July 27, 2009, 04:20:22 PM »
Ughhh....that almost made me gag.

The instant rimshot saved it though!

How about the post-edit punchline? i feel its worded better now.
February 07, 2003, 02:35:52 PM
EASYCURE: I remember thinking(don't ask me why) this was a blond haired, blue eyed, chiseled athlete. Like he looked like Seigfried before he became Nightmare.

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Jokes from the Past 9 - The Joke Thread
« Reply #528 on: July 28, 2009, 03:41:14 PM »
Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=Best Blonde Joke Ever=-

I know what you're thinking.... Why not just post the joke here, why link to it?
well, I wouldn't want to offend anyone so I'll just provide the link, ok.

Best Blonde Joke Ever!!!


put your mouse here

Offline EasyCure

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Re: Jokes from the Past - The Joke Thread
« Reply #529 on: July 29, 2009, 08:38:51 AM »
I remember that joke it wasn't that funny ;)

I put my mouse there and saw nothing!
« Last Edit: July 29, 2009, 08:48:58 AM by EasyCure »
February 07, 2003, 02:35:52 PM
EASYCURE: I remember thinking(don't ask me why) this was a blond haired, blue eyed, chiseled athlete. Like he looked like Seigfried before he became Nightmare.

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Re: Jokes from the Past - The Joke Thread
« Reply #530 on: July 29, 2009, 12:07:09 PM »
I remember that joke it wasn't that funny ;)

I put my mouse there and saw nothing!

it says, "This joke used to be alot more elaborate, but alot of the links have died since 2006"

p.s.the funny part of the joke wasn't clicking the links, but watching the dumb blonde that did and couldn't find the joke. A blonde lady at my old work must have clicked about 20 times before all our laughter made her get the joke.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2009, 12:09:52 PM by BlackNMild2k1 »

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Jokes from the Past 9 - The Joke Thread
« Reply #531 on: August 11, 2009, 08:45:32 PM »
Jokes that never made it to The Joke Thread
-=Learn Something New Today!!!!=-

Gotta teach these women the rules from our point of view.

The Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how y ou want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the has sle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1 . I am in shape .   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.
 

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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The Lawyer and The Stewardess - The Joke Thread
« Reply #532 on: August 22, 2009, 03:16:20 AM »
The Lawyer and The Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,  mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior..
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #533 on: August 24, 2009, 09:40:29 PM »
How Marriage Works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go
out on the town and party with his old buddies...
 
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back..
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
 
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
 
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
 
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.
 
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but
at the bar...you know......they have frozen glasses...'
 
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
 
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
that she was getting chills just holding it.
 
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie
roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?'
 
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, pork strips, etc.
 
'But my sweet honey.. At the bar... You know.....there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'
 
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking
beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking
snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't
fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
 
..........and, they lived happily ever after.
 
Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!
« Last Edit: August 24, 2009, 09:57:27 PM by BlackNMild2k1 »

Offline nickmitch

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Re: The Lawyer & The Stewardess - The Joke Thread
« Reply #534 on: August 24, 2009, 09:59:52 PM »
I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.
TVman is dead. I killed him and took his posts.

Offline bustin98

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #535 on: August 24, 2009, 10:08:47 PM »
I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.
Indeed

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #536 on: August 24, 2009, 10:09:32 PM »
I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.

That's not how marriage works.... after the honeymoon is over.

Offline bustin98

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #537 on: August 25, 2009, 12:02:18 AM »
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O

Offline Stogi

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #538 on: August 25, 2009, 12:07:56 AM »
^^ LOL

I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.

Beers from 12 different countries....
Frozen beer mug......
5 different hors d'oeuvres.....

*froths at the mouth*
black fairy tales are better at sports

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #539 on: August 25, 2009, 12:10:37 AM »
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O

I was joking, but really 4 kids.... wow.

Offline D_Average

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #540 on: August 25, 2009, 12:39:02 AM »
I would have stayed if she had Westmalle Trappist Tripel in da fridge. 
Don't hate me, hate the money I see, clothes that I buy
Ice that I wear, clothes that I try....

Offline bustin98

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #541 on: August 25, 2009, 01:03:14 AM »
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O

I was joking, but really 4 kids.... wow.

Yes, I knew you were and hopefully you knew I knew so I can correctly say I knew that you knew that I knew... :D

"She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone."

Offline BranDonk Kong

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #542 on: August 25, 2009, 09:56:35 AM »
This woman doesn't exist.
I think it says on the box, 'No Hispanics' " - Jeff Green of EA

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #543 on: August 25, 2009, 10:02:14 AM »
This woman doesn't exist.

Shhhh. Keep hope alive. :fist:

Offline Pale

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #544 on: August 25, 2009, 01:03:40 PM »
I would have stayed if she had Westmalle Trappist Tripel in da fridge. 
Rochefort 10 for me. :)
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Offline EasyCure

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #545 on: August 26, 2009, 09:06:33 AM »
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O

I was joking, but really 4 kids.... wow.

Yes, I knew you were and hopefully you knew I knew so I can correctly say I knew that you knew that I knew... :D

"She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone."

Was your fourth born yet? I remember you announcing you were expecting the fourth, but thats it. Either way, Congratulations! again!
February 07, 2003, 02:35:52 PM
EASYCURE: I remember thinking(don't ask me why) this was a blond haired, blue eyed, chiseled athlete. Like he looked like Seigfried before he became Nightmare.

Offline bustin98

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #546 on: August 26, 2009, 01:09:56 PM »
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #547 on: August 26, 2009, 01:12:35 PM »
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't

An audio track might be entertaining, depending on how crude your wife gets under labor pains.

Offline EasyCure

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Re: Dedicated to Lindy - How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #548 on: August 26, 2009, 02:55:15 PM »
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't

An audio track might be entertaining, depending on how crude your wife gets under labor pains.

Especially if you add some innapropriate comments yourself:

Bustins Wife: HOLY MOTHER OF **** THIS HURTS! I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING! again

Bustin98: Oh yeah! thats the money shot right here honey!

Bustins Wife: **** YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU DID THIS TO ME! again

Bustin98: Oh shoooot, left the lens cap on. Hey doc think you can push it back in and let me retry that?
February 07, 2003, 02:35:52 PM
EASYCURE: I remember thinking(don't ask me why) this was a blond haired, blue eyed, chiseled athlete. Like he looked like Seigfried before he became Nightmare.

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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Re: How Marriage Works - The Joke Thread
« Reply #549 on: August 26, 2009, 02:58:57 PM »
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't

An audio track might be entertaining, depending on how crude your wife gets under labor pains.

Especially if you add some innapropriate comments yourself:

Bustins Wife: HOLY MOTHER OF **** THIS HURTS! I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING! again

Bustin98: Oh yeah! thats the money shot right here honey!

Bustins Wife: **** YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU DID THIS TO ME! again

Bustin98: Oh shoooot, left the lens cap on. Hey doc think you can push it back in and let me retry that?

LOL. Do it Bustin!!!
« Last Edit: August 27, 2009, 03:43:58 PM by BlackNMild2k1 »