Author Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread  (Read 241460 times)

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Offline vudu

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: Old Sex
« Reply #200 on: October 09, 2006, 02:59:56 AM »
People with Parkinson's disease lose control of their muscle functions and often have seizures and/or muscle spasms.  She's giving him a hand job, idiot.
Why must all things be so bright? Why can things not appear only in hues of brown! I am so serious about this! Dull colors are the future! The next generation! I will never accept a world with such bright colors! It is far too childish! I will rage against your cheery palette with my last breath!

Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: Old Sex
« Reply #201 on: October 09, 2006, 02:28:48 PM »
Just because I'm not a diseasologist doesn't mean I'm an idiot! *cries*
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Offline BlackNMild2k1

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #202 on: October 12, 2006, 03:22:31 AM »
The New Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,
the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime
juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink
the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
he drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not
wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty
drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and
says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"

-p.s. Try this one to a friend, it really works.

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #203 on: October 13, 2006, 12:55:48 AM »
Just to clarify things, I gave this same drink to a friend 4 years ago minus the salt and the story. Baileys with a spoonfull of lime juice carefully layered above it, then swished around in the mouth will curdle into a yogurt and the look on your friends face wil be priceless if you can get him to co-operate long enough to be victim to  your prank.

Definately try this on a friend, peer presure will make him swallow.  
The drink is called a Cement Mixer. I think its in the Bartenders Bible (the little black book behind the bar)

Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #204 on: October 13, 2006, 08:09:11 AM »
"Blow Job Revenge"?  Semen has a pretty mild flavor.  Though I suppose that probably varies for different people.
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Offline wandering

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #205 on: October 13, 2006, 08:34:29 AM »
Maybe it was revenge for the guy talking about giving some other guy a blow job when she didn't really want to hear about it?
“...there are those who would...say, '...If I could just not have to work everyday...that would be the most wonderful life in the world.' They don't know life. Because what makes life mean something is purpose.  The battle. The struggle.  Even if you don't win it.” - Richard M. Nixon

Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #206 on: October 13, 2006, 09:56:30 AM »
I somehow doubt that that's what the joke is implying.
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Offline couchmonkey

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #207 on: October 13, 2006, 11:39:58 AM »
I had no idea this joke was so multifaceted when I read it!
That's my opinion, not yours.
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Offline Smash_Brother

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #208 on: October 13, 2006, 11:59:00 AM »
Quote

Originally posted by: Smoke39
That punchline was weak.


Do what I do: change the joke ever so slightly to fit your own personal delivery style. Every person tells jokes differently and how you accentuate the punch-line can make a huge difference between people exploding with laughter and giving you a pity laugh.

Personally, I'd change it to him saying, "I wonder whose phone this is..."

As for the semen comment, while I won't pretend I have many data samples, no two girls have ever tasted alike.

Oh, and to BNM, thank you. I have used many of these jokes among friends with MUCH success.
"OK, first we need someone to complain about something trivial. Golden or S_B should do. Then we get someone to defend the game, like Bill or Mashiro. Finally add some Unclebob or Pro666 randomness and the thread should go to hell right away." -Pap64

Offline Arbok

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #209 on: October 13, 2006, 07:25:41 PM »
Quote

Originally posted by: Smoke39
Semen has a pretty mild flavor.  Though I suppose that probably varies for different people.


It depends largely on what the person eats, what their main diet is (vegetarian or not), etc.

Anyway, just want to chime in saying that the "Blow Job Revenge" has to be my favorite thus far.  
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Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #210 on: October 13, 2006, 07:31:32 PM »
I've heard that drinking pineapple juice is a good way to improve the flavor of one's semen.
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Offline ThePerm

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #211 on: October 13, 2006, 07:34:30 PM »
is the aristrocrats joke in here?
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Offline Smash_Brother

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #212 on: October 13, 2006, 08:07:49 PM »
Quote

Originally posted by: ThePerm
is the aristrocrats joke in here?


No but it should be, though it's a bit much for ANY forum.

I've heard the pineapple juice thing as well, but I think I speak for most guys when I say I'd have to take someone else's word for it.
"OK, first we need someone to complain about something trivial. Golden or S_B should do. Then we get someone to defend the game, like Bill or Mashiro. Finally add some Unclebob or Pro666 randomness and the thread should go to hell right away." -Pap64

Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #213 on: October 13, 2006, 09:02:27 PM »
I'd try it on myself as an experiment, but my curiosity is insufficient to motivate me to buy pineapple juice.
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Offline Svevan

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #214 on: October 13, 2006, 11:21:39 PM »
Of course your curiosity is insufficient for THAT portion of the experiment only.  
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Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #215 on: October 13, 2006, 11:43:04 PM »
Of course.  One should not be afraid to explore one's own body.
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Offline Svevan

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #216 on: October 13, 2006, 11:45:18 PM »
I'm sorry I said anything as I am only encouraging you.
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Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The New Drink
« Reply #217 on: October 14, 2006, 09:39:39 AM »
Whaaat?  It's like drinking sea water.  Only less salty.  And with sperm instead of, like, krill and whatever other tiny organisms are in sea water.  And without the gallons of whale ejaculate.  And fish excrement.  And...
Why do people SWIM in that stuff?
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Offline BlackNMild2k1

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The Hotel Bill
« Reply #218 on: October 14, 2006, 02:57:04 PM »
Smash_Brother you're welcome, and now onto the next joke:

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to
consider this......

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice
hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and
then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."


 

Offline Smoke39

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RE: I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The Hotel Bill
« Reply #219 on: October 14, 2006, 05:15:17 PM »
Hehehe.
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Offline KnowsNothing

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The Hotel Bill
« Reply #220 on: October 14, 2006, 05:28:35 PM »
That almost exactly the same as the joke where a cop is trying to arrest a woman for fishing.  I think it was said in this thread, if not:

I bet you thought I typed out the whole thing.  But why would I put it in spoilers?  You should have thought that through.
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Offline Smoke39

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RE:I'm back and now with NEW jokes!!: The Hotel Bill
« Reply #221 on: October 14, 2006, 05:31:06 PM »
Quote

Originally posted by: KnowsNothing
But why would I put it in spoilers?

Becuase you're a big giant weirdo?
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Offline BlackNMild2k1

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RE:NEW jokes!!: Another Stupid Blonde Joke
« Reply #222 on: October 16, 2006, 03:08:27 AM »
Another Stupid Blonde Joke

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double
pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So,
I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last
year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?!! It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument."

Offline Smoke39

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RE: NEW jokes!!: Another Stupid Blonde Joke
« Reply #223 on: October 16, 2006, 08:27:46 AM »
If being unfamiliar with figures of speech is stupid, then almost everyone who isn't a native speaker of your particular language is automatically stupid.
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Offline vudu

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RE: NEW jokes!!: Another Stupid Blonde Joke
« Reply #224 on: October 16, 2006, 08:36:17 AM »
Yup; that pretty much sums it up.
Why must all things be so bright? Why can things not appear only in hues of brown! I am so serious about this! Dull colors are the future! The next generation! I will never accept a world with such bright colors! It is far too childish! I will rage against your cheery palette with my last breath!