Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[Smoke39]

The falseness of the latter statement was supposed to be obvious as a demonstration of the falseness of the former statement, which would imply that the joke is stupid.  You're stupid.  I hate you.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Quote
Originally posted by: Smoke39
If being unfamiliar with figures of speech is stupid, then almost everyone who isn't a native speaker of your particular language is automatically stupid.

I meant the joke was stupid but I guess it could be interpreted either way depending on how you read it.

I meant Another stupid "blonde joke"
you read Another "Stupid Blonde" joke

[Smoke39]

You're excused.
Vudu isn't.
hate hate hate

[BlackNMild2k1]

0 to 200

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
 
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[Smoke39]

So, what, are we to assume that she has "unfaithful wife" written on her forehead?

[couchmonkey]

No, she had "ALESSE" written on her forehead, duh.

[couchmonkey]

Paraphrased from "This Hour has 22 Minutes":

TV Interviewer: "How do I get a woman interested in me?"
Woman at sex show: "Well start out by saying, 'Hey, how's it going.'  You try it."
TV Guy: "Okay, 'Hello, how is it going?"
Woman: "Good!"
TV Guy: "Do you want to have intercourse?"
Woman: "No, you have to go slower than that."
TV Guy: "Oh! Doooooooo yooooooou waaaaaaaaant toooooo haaaaaaaave iiiiiiiinteeeeerrcoooourse?"  

[BlackNMild2k1]

Not sure if I posted this one already cause there are too many pages worth of jokes to go back and look.

The CORRECT way to come home drunk!

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do.  Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.  I shut off the engine
and cost into the garage.  I take my shoes off and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds.  I ease into my bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for
staying out so late and coming home drunk!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.  
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet,
then use the full flush with the seat up, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the
bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "WHO'S HORNEY?"  
She acts like she's sound asleep."

[Smoke39]

That marriage = no sex has to be one of the most tired themes for jokes ever.

[couchmonkey]

Now all I can think about is slapping bums.

[Smash_Brother]

Quote
Originally posted by: couchmonkey Now all I can think about is slapping bums.

Don't those guys have enough problems already?

[vudu]

Quote
Originally posted by: Smoke39
That marriage = no sex has to be one of the most tired themes for jokes ever.

I see you complain about a lot of these jokes, yet you don't seem to contribute any of your own.  How odd.

[Smoke39]

Yeah, so?  What's so odd about that?

[BlackNMild2k1]

what is so odd is how one person can be so critical of everything posted, but never actually provide any content of their own. How can you be so opinionated and not submit something of your own to be judged too? i don;t mean this to be aimed at any one person in particular but I just want to make it very clear that I welcome any comments on the jokes but I also am trying to encourage others to post jokes too.

p.s. I am very drunk at the posting of this, so don't take anything too persona...l

p.s.s. the p.s. above was typed before whatever is typed before it...

p.s.s.s. I don't have another joke to post right now , maybe tomorrow

[blackfootsteps]

I think the jokes are good, regardless of the existence of chauvinism or not. BNM, post more, post haste.

[Smoke39]

Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
How can you be so opinionated and not submit something of your own to be judged too?

I don't need to give examples of stuff I like in order to express dislike for something.

I would share a joke if it really means so much to you weirdos, but I don't know any good ones.  Most jokes are pretty stupid.  So I make fun of them.

[decoyman]

Ooh ooh ooh, I've got one! Here you go:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

(badum-CHING)

[BlackNMild2k1]

Quote
Originally posted by: Smoke39
Most jokes are pretty stupid.  So I make fun of them.

I can agree with that, and here is an example of one to make fun of...

Another Really Stupid Blonde Joke

A young blonde lady is driving down the freeway when she is pulled over by a policewoman for speeding. The policewoman also happens to be blonde. The officer then explains to the young lady why she has been pulled over and asks the lady for her driver’s license.

“My driver’s license? What’s that?” Says the young lady. “

It’s that little thing that you keep in your purse with your face on it” explains the officer.

“Oh okay” the lady replies as she pulls out a makeup compact with a mirror on the inside and hands it to the officer. The officer looks stunned and asks, “HEY HOW DID YOU GET MY LICENSE???”

THE END

[Smoke39]

Didn't you already post that one?

[BlackNMild2k1]

I dunno, did I? I'm too lazy to look, I thought I posted a different one though, but I could be wrong?  

[Smoke39]

Yup.  You did.  Page nine.  Aren't I sweet for looking for you?

[BlackNMild2k1]

Fine I'll post a different one so that you don't feel cheated

The Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with
the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99


Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read


Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.


Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.


Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.


Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.


Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:.....! Monica' s forced to return her gifts.


Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.


Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.


Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[BlackNMild2k1]

A fart joke:

Doctor: “So what seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “Doc, I’ve got really bad gas … I just fart all the time”
Doctor: “Hmmm, ok … go on”
Patient: “My farts do not stink and make no sound, but it’s rather alarming that I’m cranking them out all the time. We’ve been here for five minutes and I’ve farted six times. And as I stated, you couldn’t hear or smell them, right?”
Doctor: Picks up his pad and paper, then says “Hmmm … here’s a prescription I want you to fill.”
Patient: “This is GREAT doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
Doctor: “No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

----------------------------------------

The other day I was at the Carwash waiting for my car to finish getting waxed and this guy that looks like Fred Willard comes out and starts telling jokes and just being a character all around. I don't remember the first joke that he told(while he was goetting his shoes polished), but I do remember the second joke that he told.  He actually walked up to a very elderly couple behind me and something along these lines:

Excuse me, I can see that you two have been around the block for quite some time and must have accumulated quite a bit of wisdom along the way, so do you mind if I ask ou a question?

[the old coulpe kinda looks at each other and the the wife sort of nods]

What is the speed of sex? ....... I figured you would know this one as I bet you two were wild back in your day!! <bounces eyebrows>

[the old couple now look a little bit uncomfortable, and start to shift in their seat]

Its 68, because at 69 both of you are eating it! <nsert the ba dum ching facial expression here>

[the old couple quickly got up and scurried off to thier vehicle which was now done.]

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Spanish Computer


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won