Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

Four Married Men Gone Fishin'

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversati on took place:

First guy "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
weekend."

Second guy "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool."

Third guy "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel
the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able
to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."  

[Smoke39]

Quote
Originally posted by: Anon_Emus
^^^^^^ spoken like a true blonde

dirty or not

Shut up! *cries*

[couchmonkey]

I might actually have to remember that trick.

[wandering]

Alright, I've got one.

Mario and Luigi are walking through the mushroom kingdom, and Luigi is jabbering on and on about Daisy, as usual. Finally, Mario has had enough. "Man, I don't-a wanna hear about your stupid girlfriend anymore," Mario says, while jumping on a stray goomba. "Daisy could-a get kidnapped by Bowser and I wouldn't evan-a care. Also, listen, I didn't even want-a tell you this, but last night-a, I saw her and Birdo...."

"Hey!" Luigi interrupts. "What's-a this?" He reachs down and picks up what appeared to be an antique oil lamp.

"Give me-a that!" Mario shouts. As he grabs the oil lamp from Luigi's hands, a genie pops out out of it.

"Hello Mario," says the genie. "I am here to grant you three wishes." Mario and Lugi are stunned silent. "BUT," continues the genie, "for everything you wish for, Daisy will get the same thing, except double."

"What?" cries mario. "But I hate that-a bitch!"

The genie shrugs. "Those are the rules."

"Fine, fine." Mario stops to think. "I want a new castle."

The genie snaps his fingers. "Done. And Daisy gets two new castles."

Mario says, "Okay. Now I want a hundred 1up mushrooms."

Again, the genie snaps his gingers. "Done. And Daisy gets two hundred 1up mushrooms. And for your final wish...?"

Mario smiles. "I want you to beat me half to death."

[oohhboy]

Hahahaa. Haven't had one as funny as that for a while.

[IceCold]

Daisy can tank it... if not, thoughm that genie (and Mario) better watch out for Pro!

I thought he was going to ask for a penis. Not that he doesn't already have one. Not that I'd know..

[UncleBob]

Quote
Originally posted by: wandering
Again, the genie snaps his gingers. "Done. And Daisy gets two hundred 1up mushrooms. And for your final wish...?"

Mario smiles. "I want you to beat me half to death."

Well, that was a dumb joke.  Daisy just got two hundred extra lives, who cares if she gets beaten to death, she'll still have 199 lives left.

Gee, wandering, perhaps it would have been better if you had stayed banned.

[wandering]

ahahahahaha, whoops. Daisy lives on!

[BlackNMild2k1]

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.


10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:  

1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.  


10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. If your pastor wears a real gold Rolex he's robbing you.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive new clothes every week.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away not used as carry-on luggage.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

[wandering]

Quote
10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

I will admit to all of these.....exceept number 4. Did you know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's? It's true!

[vudu]

Haha.  Now do Nintendo/Sony/Microsoft fanboys!!

[nickmitch]

Are you really supposed to throw away Crown Royal bags?? I mean, they're so nice. I've been using them to hold stuff since I was a wee lad.
Note: My parents drink Crown Royal.

[couchmonkey]

I too have a Crown Royal bag, but just one.  Throwing stuff away sucks.  Now that I said that, I sure see a lot of crap that I should throw away in this room, but can't bring myself to.

The only one on the white people list that I can't admit to is skinny != sexy.  Well, I can 50% admit to it, there's definitely such a thing as too skinny, and there are sexy people that are not skinny...but overall...I like ladies that are slimmer than not.

[King of Twitch]

"9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away not used as carry-on luggage. "

I googled Crown Royal bags only to find this
http://www.colorwithquilts.com/enlarge23.html

[BlackNMild2k1]

In the Clubhouse

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club..  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.    It's only $1,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models.  I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing ..  The house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.  They will probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye!  I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who's phone this is?"  

[Smoke39]

That punchline was weak.

[Deguello]

A quick one in honor of the late great Rodney Dangerfield.

So this hooker walks up to me and says "Hey baby, for fifty dollars I'll do anything for you."

So I says, "Oh yeah?  Paint my house!"

[couchmonkey]

Ha ha ha, delightful!  Take that you vile seductress!

[wandering]

Quote
Haha. Now do Nintendo/Sony/Microsoft fanboys!!

What have I done?

[vudu]

You?  I recall this being BNM's joke.  DUPE ACCOUNT!

[wandering]

haha, no, I meant I've created the expectation of video game jokes.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Praying Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[couchmonkey]

The funniest part is that someone taught the parrots to pretend to be hookers.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Old Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a
Secluded garden behind the center to sit and
Ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
The garden.They begin to chat, and before
They know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold
Turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
Miss most of all?"

She asks, what?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't
Get it up if I held a gun to your head! "

I  know, " Harold says, "but it would  be nice
If a woman could just hold it for a while.

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, and then unzips
His trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night
In the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their
Usual meeting  place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to
Find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked
Around the senior citizen home where she found
Him sitting by the pool with another female
Resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
"Parkinson's"

[Smoke39]

I don't get it...