Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Crocodile Challenge

A guy walks into a bar with a pet Crocodile by his side.  

He puts the Croc up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this Crocodiles mouth and place my genitals inside and the
Croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped
his trousers, placing his privates in the Crocodiles mouth. The Croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the Croc
Hard on the top of its head.  The Croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer,
"I'll pay anyone $100 Who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up,
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer bottle."  

[couchmonkey]

Sweet!  I knew the funhouse could improve my day.  Thanks BlacknMild

[BlackNMild2k1]

You're welcome, glad I could help.

.....now if I only had more jokes to post

[BlackNMild2k1]

Nasty Vampire Teath

A vampire walk into a bar late one nite, sits at the counter, smiles and waits for the bartender to come his way.

Bar tender jokingly says "What can I get you, a Bloody Mary"?

"No" replies the vampire, " I'll just have a cup of hot water"

"A cup of hot water" says the bartender while confused, " But aren't you a vampire"

The vampire grabs his cup of hot water and then pulls a used tampon from his pocket, "Haven't you ever heard of tea"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Lie Clocks: What's yours set at?

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all
those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?".

[BlackNMild2k1]

Executive Decision: Job Cuts  

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.   It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh!t."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House".

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said
sternly,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and
we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me
my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,
"The f***in' funeral director would be my guess."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Black For 5 Minutes

A little white boy was watching his mother in the
kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While
the mother had her head turned, the little white boy
went to the table dipped both hands in the chocolate
frosting and covered his face with it.

The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing
and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing?The son
gleefully replied "Look Mama! I'm black!!!" The mother
became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son.
She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've
Done!

The boy then walked into the den where his father was
reading and said "Look Daddy! I'm black!!"The father
put his magazine down with a very puzzled look on his
face (seeing the chocolate on the boy's face.) The
father said "Come here, boy!"  
The boy came to him and the father smacked his son
across his head.
The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what
you've done!!!"

The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on
the porch and said, "Um... Grandpa. Look what I did.
I'm black now"
The grandfather said gruffly, "COME HERE BOY!" The
grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded
to spank him. "That'll teach you! Now go back in the
kitchen with your mama!!!

The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said
"I hope you've learned your lesson, young man!" The
boy says with a scowl on his face "Hell yeah! I've
been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white
mothaf**kas already!

[EasyCure]

you forgot the part about being sick and tired of mother f*cking snakes on a mother f*cking plane!

[vudu]

Easy, I'll let you in on a little secret ... not all black people are Samuel L. Jackson.  (Some are Michael Jordan.)

[nickmitch]

I feel like more of an Eddie Griffin.

[EasyCure]

well i was in a samuel l. jackson mood, not to be confused with a michael jackson mood.
i don't do that sorta thing

[BlackNMild2k1]

Priceless - The Blackout

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of
the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the
table:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -
Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened
last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your
mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that
black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have
a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch,
I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time...

Priceless

[BlackNMild2k1]

has this one already been posted? well if it has here it is again.

Catholic School Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks
the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male
organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

[couchmonkey]

...rule, Catholic Schoolgirls ru-ule!

Awesome.  I have no new jokes myself.

[Deguello]

Kabangie

Two poachers are captured by a jungle tribe.  The tribal chieftain, after much deliberation, decided their fates.

"You have choice," said the chieftain.  "You can either have death... or Kabangie."

After much mulling over, the first poacher decided that anything would be better than death.

"Kabangie," he muttered with uncertainty.

"Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie," the tribe chanted.

The tribe began a strange ritual of dance in front of a dense part of the jungle.  Within mintues the leaves part and a huge 500-lbs silverback gorrila leaps out, grabs the poacher, and drags him back into the foliage and commences the most brutal raping of all time.  There are twigs flying about, many animals disturbed, and even a tree or too fell over.  The poacher screamed for as long as he could before passing out.  After an hour, Kabangie returned with the limp, unconcious body of the poacher, who twitched a little to show he was still alive, and muttered incoherently.

"You choose," the chieftain said.

The second poacher saw that his friend would probably never walk straight for the rest of his life, not to mention the emotional and psychological scars.  He summoned the courage to answer.

"Death," he said boldy.

"Very well.  You get Death... by Kabangie!!"

"Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Fishing or Not...

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
 

[BlackNMild2k1]

Lizard in Labor

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the
little lizards was indeed lying on his  back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my  wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can  that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired.  (I actually think she
said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my  teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of  it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced, "We're about to
witness
the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would  appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.

"Should I  call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."

(You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted
to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

Oh, very interesting," he murmured.  "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing
my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel
wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's  so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into
the car.  He was glad everything was going to be
okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife
agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage -  $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story - finish biology class;
lizards lay eggs!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Goodbye Mom!!!

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him
and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that
you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of
the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"WHAT? I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things,
too."

[BlackNMild2k1]

The 20 Year Headache..

Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife
finally convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure you headaches.
The bad news is that, it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw
a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need . . . a new suit.

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "let's see . . size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "that's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years", the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a
new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "let's see, 34 sleeves, and 16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "that's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "how
about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "sure."

The salesman said, "let's see . . . size 36."

Joe laughed, "ah ha!!  I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion
PRICELESS  

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Blonde & The Horse


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip,
the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
when to her great fortune .......

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[BlackNMild2k1]

"Be Strong Honey, I Love You"

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ghey, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!  

[BlackNMild2k1]

Daddy, How Was I Born?"


Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
scroll down



























You got mail!!

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Rumsfeld Report

Rumsfeld is giving a report to the President and to the Cabinet.....

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says,"Oh,my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned.   Usually George Bush shows no reaction
whatsoever to these reports.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian??"