Author Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread (Read 231507 times)

EasyCure · « **Reply #75 on:** April 24, 2006, 06:40:35 AM »

so many good jokes. im afriad of being banned for a anything i post.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #76 on:** April 24, 2006, 08:39:52 PM »

All I Want Is 4 Little Animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want
out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that
be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher was speechless.....

MysticGohan · « **Reply #77 on:** April 24, 2006, 09:35:16 PM »

I liked that one heh, GJ BnM

Dasmos · « **Reply #78 on:** April 26, 2006, 04:25:57 PM »

There was this blonde who trying to sell her car, she was worried how much she would get for it seeing as it had 250,000 km's on the clock. Her brunette friends asked to help her out, "I know a mechanic, he could wind back the clock to about 50,000 km's for you." she said, "Thanks, that would really help out" said the blonde.

About a week after the blonde got her car back from the mechanic the brunette saw the blonde driving it, "Why are you still driving this, I thought you were selling it?" asked the brunette, the blonde replied, "Are you kidding? It's only got 50,000 on the clock!"

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #79 on:** April 26, 2006, 11:54:21 PM »

Quote
Originally posted by: wandering
Quote
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

Heh. Just out of curiosity, does the story come by way of Murphy, Jordan, or the woman?

I didn't see it when it was broadcast, I recieved the joke in an e-mail at work (like many of the other jokes in this thread), so honestly I have no idea, sorry.

wandering · « **Reply #80 on:** April 27, 2006, 12:09:47 AM »

Quote
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

Heh. Just out of curiosity, does the story come by way of Murphy, Jordan, or the woman?

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #81 on:** April 27, 2006, 12:26:41 AM »

This post has been edited from its original version to better fit PGC content guidelines.

This post is Rated R for sexual content and adult situations. Parental Supervision is advised.

This joke is intended for readers of the age17+.

Quote
Originally PM'd to me by: EasyCure
There are two male lovers having relations in the shower, and by relations I mean really "going at it", when one of them heres the phone ring.
He goes "Oh I should get it, it might be important", and his lover tell him not to worry about it, if its important they would call back.

So they keep"going at it" and "going at it" some more when the phone rings again, and the guy goes "Oh I really should get it shouldnt I?", but his lover tells him it was just a coincidence.

They keep "going at it" more and "going at it" some more when the phone rings a third time. The guy goes "Ugh I'm just going to get it, don't stop but don't finish without me either!", so his lover continues to pleasure himself.

The guy comes back into the shower and sees "manjuice" EVERYWHERE; the curtains, the drain, the sink, etc.
Pissed, he screams "I thought I told you not to finish without me!!!!"
His lover replies innocently " I DIDNT! I FARTED!"

p.s. Wandering you post is replied to in the post before yours

EasyCure · « **Reply #82 on:** April 28, 2006, 07:36:30 AM »

oh man that joke is SO funny, i wish someone like me could of thought of a joke THAT brilliant....that anonymous person needs to step up and take credit for that, that was the BEST thing i've EVER heard! Bravo BnM for bringing that to our attention ;-)

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #83 on:** April 28, 2006, 08:55:49 AM »

Quote
Originally posted by: EasyCure
oh man that joke is SO funny, i wish someone like me could of thought of a joke THAT brilliant....that anonymous person needs to step up and take credit for that, that was the BEST thing i've EVER heard! Bravo BnM for bringing that to our attention ;-)

That anonymous poster wants credit for thier joke? No problem, consider it done

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #84 on:** April 28, 2006, 09:00:50 AM »

Rent for Apartment

A businessman met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the afternoon with him for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
# 1 - it had never been occupied;
# 2 - there was plenty of heat; and
# 3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

vudu · « **Reply #85 on:** April 28, 2006, 09:13:57 AM »

Quote
Originally posted by: MaryJane
This one is dirty and I don't know how to do that thing that hides the words until you highlight them so read at your own risk. the first line should tell you enough.

These two gays guys were having sex.
After they were done they decided to take a shower.
As they're about to get into the shower the doorbell rings.
The one who goes to get the door, says to the other one, "don't start without me".
After a few minutes he returns to the bathroom and sees a load of semen on the wall.
He says, "What the hell I said don't start without me".
His boyfriend replies, "I didn't, I farted!"

Yo, we already had this joke about fifty posts back. It wasn't really funny then and it's not funny now. Next.

Hostile Creation · « **Reply #86 on:** April 28, 2006, 04:41:12 PM »

Great going anonymous tip-off

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #87 on:** April 30, 2006, 05:22:38 PM »

Ahh, Spiders...... How Cute!

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see
what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that ghey sh!t in our garden!"

wandering · « **Reply #88 on:** April 30, 2006, 07:18:58 PM »

heh, like the Rent for Apartment one.

Quote
I didn't see it when it was broadcast, I recieved the joke in an e-mail at work (like many of the other jokes in this thread), so honestly I have no idea, sorry.

Thanks anyway.

wandering · « **Reply #89 on:** April 30, 2006, 07:41:36 PM »

Alright, I've got another one (apologies to Micheal Jackson fans in advance):

So, Michael Jackson, not having any playmates over for a while, found himself bored. He remembered that kids used to recommend something called 'Halo 2' to him. "Why not?" he thought, not having anything better to do.
But after buying an Xbox and the game, and hooking it all up, things didn't go well. "I don't get this stuff at all," he thought.
He decided to go online and see what you could find out. But, instead of finding gameplay instructions, he found directions for unlocking a "hot warthog" mod that would make Master Chief completely naked in all the cutscenes.
He was too curious to pass this up, so we got an Action Replay, as instructed, and inserted the necessary code: 'I....L....O....' It was painstaking, but soon worth it.
After Micheal Jackson finished, the glorious, rippling, naked figure of Master Chief and all his wondrous dangly bits graced the screen. He knew it was so wrong, but it felt so right.

Micheal Jackson was just starting to unbuckle his pants when the police burst in.

"You're under arrest!" they shouted.

"On what charge?" Michael Jackson replied.

"Possession of I LOVE HALO 2 porn."

IceCold · « **Reply #90 on:** April 30, 2006, 08:01:34 PM »

Custom-made for PGC forums! Brilliant..

wandering · « **Reply #91 on:** May 01, 2006, 11:11:06 PM »

thanks.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #92 on:** May 03, 2006, 09:33:17 AM »

The $100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

nickmitch · « **Reply #93 on:** May 05, 2006, 07:18:25 PM »

That's putting a woman a woman in her place.
No, really, it is. Very sexist and offensive.

By all of which I of course mean hilarious

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #94 on:** May 08, 2006, 08:07:00 PM »

Randy The Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

couchmonkey · « **Reply #95 on:** May 10, 2006, 06:36:13 AM »

Sweet.

I have nothing funny to post.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #96 on:** May 10, 2006, 09:58:09 PM »

GOLF LESSONS: Gripping Your Club

A lady decides that she better take up golf in order to enjoy her husband's company once in a while so she signs up for lessons with the club pro. After several lessons she starts to get various pieces of the swing down but always seems to spray her balls off target because her grip is wrong. One minute she hooks everything, the next minute she hits a bad slice.

The pro is not sure how to teach her to maintain the correct club grip so he thinks for a moment and finally says to her: "Now don't get me wrong here. I am not trying to be vulgar or improper but I want you to learn to grip your club properly and the only thing I can think of is to tell you to grip the club like you do your husband's organ."

The lady nodded her head in apparent understanding and started to hit her shots 250 yards down the center of the fairway.

The pro was amazed and said to the lady, "you are hitting the ball great but this time try taking the club out of your mouth."

MysticGohan · « **Reply #97 on:** May 10, 2006, 10:03:45 PM »

lol, keep them coming BnM. lol hilarity ensures

MysticGohan · « **Reply #98 on:** May 11, 2006, 07:38:22 PM »

A Bloomington, IL policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an

automated
radar post in Peoria, IL. .... a $75 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $75. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Illinois State Trooper
walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, "I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied,
"Illinois State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.

Zach · « **Reply #99 on:** May 11, 2006, 09:50:16 PM »

immature penis joke anyone

OK so there are these three guys working on the top of a three story office building (guy1, 2, and 3) and for some reason they get into an argument over whose dick is bigger. They argue for a good ten minutes, untill guy1 says "there is only one way to settle this" and procedes to go to the window, and dangle his dick out the window. His privates are so big, it comes out of his pants, and goes about half way down the side of the building.

Now the second guy looks at it, says "thats nothing" and then hangs his privates out the window as well. guy2's dick is big enough that it goes all the way down the side of the building, and lands on the sidewalk.

At this point, it's guy3's turn, so guy1 and guy2 look at guy3 expectantly. Guy3 gets really red in the face and says "I cant do it... I just cant, you two will only laugh at me." After many promises from the first two that they will not laugh, and a lot of egging on, guy3 finally unzips his pants and lets it fly. Guy3's dick goes all the way down the building, and continues to roll across the street to the other side.

Immediately, Guy1 and guy2 break their promise and laugh hysterically, Guy3 gets really embarrassed and angry and says "SEE, I told you you would laugh" Then he thinks for a moment and asks "Wait a minute, Why are you laughing? my junk is so much bigger than yours, you didnt even make it to the street."

Hardly able to breath from the extreme laughter the first two guys reply "Oh, were not laughing at you, were laughing at that steamroller coming down the street!!!!"

News:

Author Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread (Read 231507 times)