Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 10, 2006, 07:13:11 PM
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll
let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He
kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Post by: Zach on February 10, 2006, 08:34:17 PM
Ok, there is this great business man, and he decides he wants to settle down and live on a farm (think green acres)
anyway, he finds this old farm for sale that is just perfect, but many of the trees have bee hives, and he is very allergic to bees. So he talks to the owner, an old farmer, about the issue.
the farmer tells the business man that these are friendly bees, and they would never ever sting a person unless they were really provoked, but the business man still is unconvinced. So the farmer comes up with a deal, he said if the business man would strip naked, and allow himself to be tied up to one of the trees with a beehive for an hour, the farmer would give him 75% off the land if a bee stung him.
The business man thought about this, and he realized that it was too good of a deal to pass up. so he agrees to be tied naked to the tree under the bee hive for an hour.
The farmer ties him up, then goes back to his house for an hour, he comes back to see that the businessman is slouched over in the ropes, and looks kinda bad.
"Did a bee sting you?" asked the farmer
"Not one even touched me" said the man in a very tired voice, "but doesnt that calf have a mother?"
Post by: Mario on February 10, 2006, 08:52:22 PM
Post by: Smash_Brother on February 12, 2006, 05:26:56 PM
The head CIA instructor awaits them in the highest tower, and asks for the first of the three trainees to be sent in.
The trainee walks up to him as the instructor pulls a gun from his coat and says, "You've completed all the tests, but in order to prove your loyalty to the CIA, I want you to go down to the courtyard and kill your wife."
The man looks out the window of the tower and sees his wife exploring the courtyard. He looks back to the instructor and says, "We've been married for 20 years, you could never ask me to kill my wife!"
"FINE!" the instructor roars, "Get out! You're DONE!" The second trainee comes in. Same thing. "Go down to the courtyard and kill your husband," says the instructor.
She looks out the window of the tower and likewise sees her husband in the courtyard. "But we're newlyweds!" she exclaimed, "You could never ask me to-"
"Then you're OUT!" screamed the instructor, and summoned the third trainee.
"In order to prove your loyalty to the CIA," said the instructor, clutching the gun, "go down to the courtyard and kill your wife." The third trainee snatched the gun from his hand, hurled down the tower stairs and from the window the instructor could hear 8 gunshots ring out, one BANG after another echoing in the tower, then a huge struggle, glass breaking, people screaming...
Finally, it's quiet.
The trainee comes back up the tower stairs, hands the gun to the instructor and says, "Would you believe it? Some jackass put BLANKS in that thing! I had to strangle the bitch!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 13, 2006, 07:45:19 PM
The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry." he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 13, 2006, 10:05:46 PM
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's
Day is named after a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will
God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden ?", her father asks
in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over
the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 14, 2006, 05:58:04 PM
This is for all those married people out there
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
He remembers that its his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,
"How much is the Barbie on
the display window?"
The Salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks, "What!? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers:
"Sir....Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and.... One of Ken's friends
Better make this Valentines Day a good one
Post by: couchmonkey on February 15, 2006, 08:46:33 AM
There's twenty of them
Post by: vudu on February 15, 2006, 09:01:10 AM
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor
How do you get a baby into a shoe box?
Use a blender
How do you get a baby out of a shoe box?
Chips
And the worst one of the bunch...
What do you get when you cut a baby?
An erection
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 15, 2006, 06:07:17 PM
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Harry yells back......
"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 15, 2006, 06:56:25 PM
This my friends is one smart kid!
Subject: What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"
Post by: couchmonkey on February 16, 2006, 07:52:02 AM
A farmer is having problems with people running over his chickens, so he asks the local sherrif for some help. The sherrif has a school bus sign put outside the property so people will slow down. A couple of weeks later, the farmer tells the sherrif that the sign isn't really working, and asks if he can put up a sign of his own. The sherrif says okay. Two more weeks pass, and the sherrif runs into the farmer and asks him how his sign is working. The farmer says, "Great, I haven't had any chicken run over since I put it up." The sherrif thinks this sign might be useful for something else, so he drives past the farmer's house to see what it says:
WATCH OUT FOR NUDE CHICKS
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 16, 2006, 08:15:28 AM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of
golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt
as much as tennis elbow?"
Post by: Zach on February 16, 2006, 11:31:57 AM
One night little bobby has a dream, in the dream everything is dark, and all there is is a raven repeating "Your aunt is going to die, Your aunt is going to die, Your aunt is going to die..."
The next morning bobby tells his father about the dream, and the father tells bobby that it was only a dream and not to worry about it.
Later that day, Bobby's aunt dies. This kinda freaks bobby and his father out for obvious reasons.
Next week, bobby has another dream, the same one as before except the raven is saying "Your daddys going to die, Your daddies going to die, your daddys going to die..."
Again bobby tells his father about the dream, and his father says again that it is just a dream, but he really starts to worry.
The father decides to just go about his day like normal, so he goes to work, but he is constantly afraid that something is going to kill him. The father cant concentrate, or do anything, and he constantly looks over his shoulder.
The fathe comes home and starts to tell his wife about the horrible day he has had.
The wife says "You think you had a bad day, the milkman dropped dead on the porch today!!!"
Post by: KnowsNothing on February 16, 2006, 11:51:24 AM
What's funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown suit
What's the difference between dead babies and bowling balls?
you can't load a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork
Also, it's "What begins with F and ends with UCK?" It's still firetruck, but it's, you know, better.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 16, 2006, 12:05:00 PM
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1970."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Post by: Hostile Creation on February 16, 2006, 02:40:29 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 18, 2006, 09:11:09 AM
Nothing. You already told her twice
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 18, 2006, 02:11:54 PM
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 20, 2006, 08:10:02 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display,
and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday,
ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 22, 2006, 11:48:13 AM
into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he
has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having
no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood .... sure
enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"
Post by: wandering on February 22, 2006, 01:09:02 PM
"Hello, sir. Would you like to send a telegram?"
The dog nods.
"What do you want it to say?"
"Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."
"Very good, sir. Bud did you know you can add another 3 woofs for the same price?"
The dog looked puzzled."But.....that wouldn't make any sense at all!"
.......
Well, I found it funny.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 22, 2006, 03:06:08 PM
An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen today I
get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Post by: TMW on February 22, 2006, 03:40:49 PM
It was pretty popular, and one day a man was sitting down, drunk as a skunk, and loudly making seeimngly impossible claims as to his manhood, and how he spent his childhood.
A young man, who had been absent from the majority of the drunken mans spiel, sat down next to him. The drunkard looked at him, sized him up, and said, "I bet you $400 that I can jump out that window over there, and fly right back in."
The young man looked at him incredulously. "No way. Impossible."
The drunkard stood up, glared at the boy, and took out his wallet, and laid $400 on the bar in front of him.
The young man couldn't beleive it. At the very least, he wasn't going to bet the man to jump out a window.
"I'm not gonna take your bet!"
The drunkard smiled, grabbed his cash, and said "Your loss" as he ran and jumped out the window.
Half the patrons gasped and ran towards the window, to see if he had grabbed onto the ledge or something. But...he wasn't there.
However, about 20 seconds later the drunkard came flying back in laughing like a madman. He walked back over to the bar, sat down, and ordered another drink.
The young man was astonished. "How did you do that?"
The drunkard smiled into his beer and said, "Its the way they build these new skyscrapers nowadays, to prevent jumpers from dying. They are architectually designed so that the wind will catch whoever jumps and put them back in the window they jumped from."
The young man couldn't beleive it...but here was proof. And he had to try it.
So, he slammed his beer, wiped his mouth, and took a running leap out the window.
The bartender looked up from the glass he was polishing and said, "Superman, you're a real sonofabitch when you're drunk."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 22, 2006, 03:51:58 PM
--------------------------------------------
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor look at them and told them,
"the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Post by: IceCold on February 22, 2006, 05:36:41 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
Hey, I found it funny too
An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen today I
get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 23, 2006, 06:56:52 AM
--------------------------------------------------This one is long
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
~~~
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00 ==========================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. Write another check for $20.00.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.? Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional ten minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) Twelve hours later, get car from impound yard.
~~~
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00 (but you know the job was done right!)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 24, 2006, 01:24:19 AM
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police
station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down
the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away
fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved
oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was
amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back
and suck'em dry!"
The policeman fainted.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 24, 2006, 06:40:20 PM
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd
like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. "And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Post by: MysticGohan on February 24, 2006, 09:24:36 PM
A Texas Cowboy
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a
remote pasture when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves
you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,
Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell
notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get
an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and
the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of
my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the
animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk
of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I
can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my
calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and
then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the National Democratic
Party." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how
did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for
an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't
know anything about my
business........ Now give me back my dog."
Post by: Pryopizm on February 24, 2006, 09:27:35 PM
Blow a little boogie in it.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 26, 2006, 02:55:10 PM
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well,
he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there
in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When
they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
away.So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "
Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that
I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 27, 2006, 01:16:18 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
What do you tell woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice
Post by: MaryJane on February 27, 2006, 08:27:54 AM
These two gays guys were having sex.
After they were done they decided to take a shower.
As they're about to get into the shower the doorbell rings.
The one who goes to get the door, says to the other one, "don't start without me".
After a few minutes he returns to the bathroom and sees a load of semen on the wall.
He says, "What the hell I said don't start without me".
His boyfriend replies, "I didn't, I farted!"
Post by: IceCold on February 27, 2006, 08:08:39 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 27, 2006, 09:36:21 PM
Its just a joke, no offense meant to anyone that may take some
Ahkmed the Arab came to the USA from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick"
----------------------------------
I may be out of jokes now, but you never know, I may come across one or two more
p.s. moderators please feel free to edit this joke if inappropiate
Post by: vudu on February 28, 2006, 02:18:09 AM
In his sleevies.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 28, 2006, 05:55:08 PM
Fresh from the shower, a woman stood in front of the
mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically
came up with a suggestion, "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years", her husband replies.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 03, 2006, 06:39:40 PM
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the! rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says . .
Swimming pool??
Is this 555-7039??????"
No
**Click.........**
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 13, 2006, 08:23:48 PM
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
"And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 14, 2006, 10:43:48 PM
BE WARNED!
I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. This is not a joke. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Post by: Smash_Brother on March 15, 2006, 09:21:51 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 15, 2006, 06:07:53 PM
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 16, 2006, 05:38:13 PM
For several years a wealthy man had an affair with an Italian woman .
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his
confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card
today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain," he said. The wife
obeyed, and, watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 17, 2006, 07:21:23 PM
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.
The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among the other patrons.
When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."
Happy St. Patricks Day!!
Post by: wandering on March 17, 2006, 07:58:20 PM
Post by: Hostile Creation on March 17, 2006, 08:18:24 PM
Also, what did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Damn.
MORE LATER?!
Post by: IceCold on March 17, 2006, 08:28:45 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 18, 2006, 01:53:26 PM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 19, 2006, 08:47:59 AM
How To Ask For A Raise
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Boss' reply
Dear Marian,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
The Manager
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 29, 2006, 10:42:25 PM
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrels."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 30, 2006, 06:00:18 PM
station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red
wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over
to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.
"Thanks" the little girl said.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope to the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 31, 2006, 01:21:42 PM
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. You know you don't stand a chance, old man..
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third ghey rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
Post by: TMW on March 31, 2006, 01:39:26 PM
*ba dum crash*
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 04, 2006, 06:24:26 PM
Sign in the Lobby
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 05, 2006, 01:11:47 PM
The next day, the old geezer returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this.....
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 06, 2006, 08:46:25 AM
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, since you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 07, 2006, 11:03:55 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was ghey and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the ghey guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o’clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 09, 2006, 11:16:43 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as
a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
"How much will you charge me?"
She quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 10, 2006, 11:30:45 PM
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been at it for days, and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They emailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Post by: wandering on April 10, 2006, 11:58:08 PM
So, a Nintendo fanboy dies and, as you might expect, goes to hell.
He's thrown in the torture chamber and the demons turn up the temp to 300 hundred degrees. But when they let him out, they are surprised to see him smiling. "Just like Lethal Lava Land in Super Mario!" he exclaimed.
So, they threw him back in and set the temp to 500 degrees. But, when they let him out, he was practically laughing. "Just like Magmoor caverns in metroid!"
So, they threw him back in. One demon said to the other "If the heat isn't getting to him, maybe the cold will!" So, they changed the temp to negative 200 degrees. But when they let the Nintendo fanboy out, he seemed happier than ever.
"What? What could possibly be making you happy this time?" the demon screamed.
"Hell froze over!" The man replied. "Nintendo Revolution must be number one in sales!"
Post by: mantidor on April 11, 2006, 05:17:57 AM
from bash.org
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Post by: Hostile Creation on April 11, 2006, 11:44:56 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 12, 2006, 08:42:06 AM
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The sales lady replied: "There are Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Sales lady responded, "It's all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 13, 2006, 06:49:43 PM
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?" "well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." a witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 14, 2006, 07:43:46 PM
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 16, 2006, 11:21:39 AM
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.
The medical director learned of Mary's heroic act. He immediately wrote
orders for her discharge from the hospital. He considered her mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news. He said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're going to be discharged. You jumped into
the pool and saved the life of another patient. I believe you've regained your
full mental capacity and you are able to function normally in society.
Here are your discharge papers.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
with the belt to his bathrobe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
Post by: wandering on April 16, 2006, 08:31:37 PM
Quote
Harry Potter
Yeah, but the worst is in the PoA film, which opens with Harry playing with wang under the covers.
Post by: mantidor on April 16, 2006, 10:32:07 PM
harry Potter, such a naughty material for all ages!
Post by: MysticGohan on April 17, 2006, 08:37:53 AM
Post by: animecyberrat on April 17, 2006, 06:14:02 PM
One day after his parents scolded him and told him that if he went again he would be ina lot of trouble he was playing at the park and had to go really bad so he decided to just crap right there under a tree.
Then a preist was walking by so he hurried up and covered the crap with his hat, and the preist stopped and say him holding his hat over some thing and he asked "what do yo have there son" and the boy replied I got God. The priest looked at him suspicous and asked "really, can i see him?" the boy got nervous and asnwered, "no cuz He is too shy and if I lift the hat He is gonna run." The priest thought about it for a moment and said ok I got an idea, you lift the hat reall fast adn Ill grab God before he can get away"
The boy thought about it for a secodn and said "ok why not" so the priest hunched over and just when the boy lifeted the hat the priest grabbed the pile of crap and the boy laughed, "See God already SH#T and ran.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 17, 2006, 07:01:51 PM
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband
in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black. One of them was tall....very tall...an intimidating figure.
The woman froze.
Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was:
Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes
are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.
She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh,
they had to know what she was thinking!!!
Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.
Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of
will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other
foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly
and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped
and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on
the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me,
he prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,"Ma'am, if you'll just
tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily
to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one,
"I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor I didn't mean for you to
hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having
a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was
humiliated to speak.. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as
though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make
it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her
room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off.
She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 20, 2006, 08:38:10 PM
A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it
out or even how to get it started."
Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread
all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then
turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,
Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Happy 420!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 21, 2006, 08:21:15 PM
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room
with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for
a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower
bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top
bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there!
You're getting mayonnaise all over the place!!!!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 23, 2006, 11:04:27 PM
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...
A Misdawiener!
buh dum ching!!
hey what happened to the joke that was here?
Post by: EasyCure on April 24, 2006, 06:40:35 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 24, 2006, 08:39:52 PM
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want
out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that
be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher was speechless.....
Post by: MysticGohan on April 24, 2006, 09:35:16 PM
Post by: Dasmos on April 26, 2006, 04:25:57 PM
About a week after the blonde got her car back from the mechanic the brunette saw the blonde driving it, "Why are you still driving this, I thought you were selling it?" asked the brunette, the blonde replied, "Are you kidding? It's only got 50,000 on the clock!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 26, 2006, 11:54:21 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: wanderingQuote
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Heh. Just out of curiosity, does the story come by way of Murphy, Jordan, or the woman?
I didn't see it when it was broadcast, I recieved the joke in an e-mail at work (like many of the other jokes in this thread), so honestly I have no idea, sorry.
Post by: wandering on April 27, 2006, 12:09:47 AM
Quote
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Heh. Just out of curiosity, does the story come by way of Murphy, Jordan, or the woman?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 27, 2006, 12:26:41 AM
This post is Rated R for sexual content and adult situations. Parental Supervision is advised.
This joke is intended for readers of the age17+.
Quote
Originally PM'd to me by: EasyCure
There are two male lovers having relations in the shower, and by relations I mean really "going at it", when one of them heres the phone ring.
He goes "Oh I should get it, it might be important", and his lover tell him not to worry about it, if its important they would call back.
So they keep"going at it" and "going at it" some more when the phone rings again, and the guy goes "Oh I really should get it shouldnt I?", but his lover tells him it was just a coincidence.
They keep "going at it" more and "going at it" some more when the phone rings a third time. The guy goes "Ugh I'm just going to get it, don't stop but don't finish without me either!", so his lover continues to pleasure himself.
The guy comes back into the shower and sees "manjuice" EVERYWHERE; the curtains, the drain, the sink, etc.
Pissed, he screams "I thought I told you not to finish without me!!!!"
His lover replies innocently " I DIDNT! I FARTED!"
p.s. Wandering you post is replied to in the post before yours
Post by: EasyCure on April 28, 2006, 07:36:30 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 28, 2006, 08:55:49 AM
QuoteThat anonymous poster wants credit for thier joke? No problem, consider it done
Originally posted by: EasyCure
oh man that joke is SO funny, i wish someone like me could of thought of a joke THAT brilliant....that anonymous person needs to step up and take credit for that, that was the BEST thing i've EVER heard! Bravo BnM for bringing that to our attention ;-)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 28, 2006, 09:00:50 AM
A businessman met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the afternoon with him for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
# 1 - it had never been occupied;
# 2 - there was plenty of heat; and
# 3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
Post by: vudu on April 28, 2006, 09:13:57 AM
QuoteYo, we already had this joke about fifty posts back. It wasn't really funny then and it's not funny now. Next.
Originally posted by: MaryJane
This one is dirty and I don't know how to do that thing that hides the words until you highlight them so read at your own risk. the first line should tell you enough.
These two gays guys were having sex.
After they were done they decided to take a shower.
As they're about to get into the shower the doorbell rings.
The one who goes to get the door, says to the other one, "don't start without me".
After a few minutes he returns to the bathroom and sees a load of semen on the wall.
He says, "What the hell I said don't start without me".
His boyfriend replies, "I didn't, I farted!"
Post by: Hostile Creation on April 28, 2006, 04:41:12 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 30, 2006, 05:22:38 PM
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see
what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that ghey sh!t in our garden!"
Post by: wandering on April 30, 2006, 07:18:58 PM
Quote
I didn't see it when it was broadcast, I recieved the joke in an e-mail at work (like many of the other jokes in this thread), so honestly I have no idea, sorry.
Thanks anyway.
Post by: wandering on April 30, 2006, 07:41:36 PM
So, Michael Jackson, not having any playmates over for a while, found himself bored. He remembered that kids used to recommend something called 'Halo 2' to him. "Why not?" he thought, not having anything better to do.
But after buying an Xbox and the game, and hooking it all up, things didn't go well. "I don't get this stuff at all," he thought.
He decided to go online and see what you could find out. But, instead of finding gameplay instructions, he found directions for unlocking a "hot warthog" mod that would make Master Chief completely naked in all the cutscenes.
He was too curious to pass this up, so we got an Action Replay, as instructed, and inserted the necessary code: 'I....L....O....' It was painstaking, but soon worth it.
After Micheal Jackson finished, the glorious, rippling, naked figure of Master Chief and all his wondrous dangly bits graced the screen. He knew it was so wrong, but it felt so right.
Micheal Jackson was just starting to unbuckle his pants when the police burst in.
"You're under arrest!" they shouted.
"On what charge?" Michael Jackson replied.
"Possession of I LOVE HALO 2 porn."
Post by: IceCold on April 30, 2006, 08:01:34 PM
Post by: wandering on May 01, 2006, 11:11:06 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 03, 2006, 09:33:17 AM
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Post by: nickmitch on May 05, 2006, 07:18:25 PM
No, really, it is. Very sexist and offensive.
By all of which I of course mean hilarious
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 08, 2006, 08:07:00 PM
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.
Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Post by: couchmonkey on May 10, 2006, 06:36:13 AM
I have nothing funny to post.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 10, 2006, 09:58:09 PM
A lady decides that she better take up golf in order to enjoy her husband's company once in a while so she signs up for lessons with the club pro. After several lessons she starts to get various pieces of the swing down but always seems to spray her balls off target because her grip is wrong. One minute she hooks everything, the next minute she hits a bad slice.
The pro is not sure how to teach her to maintain the correct club grip so he thinks for a moment and finally says to her: "Now don't get me wrong here. I am not trying to be vulgar or improper but I want you to learn to grip your club properly and the only thing I can think of is to tell you to grip the club like you do your husband's organ."
The lady nodded her head in apparent understanding and started to hit her shots 250 yards down the center of the fairway.
The pro was amazed and said to the lady, "you are hitting the ball great but this time try taking the club out of your mouth."
Post by: MysticGohan on May 10, 2006, 10:03:45 PM
Post by: MysticGohan on May 11, 2006, 07:38:22 PM
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated
radar post in Peoria, IL. .... a $75 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $75. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Illinois State Trooper
walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, "I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied,
"Illinois State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.
Post by: Zach on May 11, 2006, 09:50:16 PM
OK so there are these three guys working on the top of a three story office building (guy1, 2, and 3) and for some reason they get into an argument over whose dick is bigger. They argue for a good ten minutes, untill guy1 says "there is only one way to settle this" and procedes to go to the window, and dangle his dick out the window. His privates are so big, it comes out of his pants, and goes about half way down the side of the building.
Now the second guy looks at it, says "thats nothing" and then hangs his privates out the window as well. guy2's dick is big enough that it goes all the way down the side of the building, and lands on the sidewalk.
At this point, it's guy3's turn, so guy1 and guy2 look at guy3 expectantly. Guy3 gets really red in the face and says "I cant do it... I just cant, you two will only laugh at me." After many promises from the first two that they will not laugh, and a lot of egging on, guy3 finally unzips his pants and lets it fly. Guy3's dick goes all the way down the building, and continues to roll across the street to the other side.
Immediately, Guy1 and guy2 break their promise and laugh hysterically, Guy3 gets really embarrassed and angry and says "SEE, I told you you would laugh" Then he thinks for a moment and asks "Wait a minute, Why are you laughing? my junk is so much bigger than yours, you didnt even make it to the street."
Hardly able to breath from the extreme laughter the first two guys reply "Oh, were not laughing at you, were laughing at that steamroller coming down the street!!!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 12, 2006, 06:47:53 PM
When Size Really Does Become An Issue!
A guy with a 25-inch weiner went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said.
He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 14, 2006, 02:35:16 AM
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F-ING DISHES!!"
Happy Mothers Day!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 16, 2006, 07:25:42 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 18, 2006, 09:01:33 PM
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following
news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described
Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old
man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children,
John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for
about 20 minutes.
His last performance, but not how he will be remembered. <--- un-released, un-rated and uncensored.
watch at own risk.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 21, 2006, 12:29:22 PM
ISRAELI QUARTERBACK
Al Davis has put together the perfect Raiders team for the '98-'99 season. The only thing he's missing is a super bowl caliber quarterback. Jeff George has been too inconsistent. He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but can't seem to find a ringer quarterback and all of the best ones were taken in the draft by other teams.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away -- ka-BOOM! Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour --bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't vant to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
Post by: vudu on May 22, 2006, 03:06:48 AM
QuoteI thought this was going somewhere else ....
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 23, 2006, 09:43:29 AM
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".
The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 24, 2006, 06:38:24 PM
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me. It was her
beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One
day "little" sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, we are very happy that you have passed
our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car........
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 26, 2006, 09:56:53 AM
Cross Country Driving
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, California, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from California.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from California opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
Post by: IceCold on May 26, 2006, 07:31:33 PM
BnM's disclaimer applies to this too. I have many **don't read, part of joke**Chinese** friends, so it is just in jest.
---
One day three men were on a boat together. The first was a Canadian, the other a Chinese, and the last one was an American. Along the way, they encountered a problem, as the boat started to sink. Racking their brains, they tried to think of a way out of the dilemma.
The Canadian, who was obviously the smartest of them all, thought of a plan first. He said that, since the boat was sinking, they should lighten their load by throwing certain items out. As each passenger had their own cargo, they decided to go in turn.
The Chinese man was up first. Quickly, he told the others, "Throw these illegal DVDs away; we have too many in China, we don't need them anymore.."
The American man was next. The gears in his brain creaked and started moving slowly. After a while, though, he had an epiphany, and said, "Throw away these guns. We have too many in America, we don't need them anymore.."
Finally, it was the Canadian's turn. He thought for a bit ... and then he threw the Chinese man overboard.
Post by: EasyCure on May 26, 2006, 10:25:09 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
1st of all, no offense to any one that this might offend, its just a joke.
We Have So Many of These Things
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, California, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
saw the punchline coming a mile away ;-)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 27, 2006, 04:19:25 PM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 30, 2006, 07:38:11 PM
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" >
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Post by: SgtShiversBen on May 31, 2006, 06:00:58 AM
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on May 31, 2006, 06:27:23 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 31, 2006, 08:21:52 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: PartyBear
Quite a few of these telegraphed the punchline, but that last one got me good. I own a weedeater, by the way.
exactly what do you mean by that? did the title give them away? If so let me know which ones, and I will change the title.
"We have so many of these things" I thought that might be a little too descriptive, but I posted it in a rush just b4 leaving for work. I should change it now.
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on May 31, 2006, 10:23:47 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
exactly what do you mean by that? did the title give them away? If so let me know which ones, and I will change the title.
I just meant that sometimes it's easy to predict a joke's punchline based on the wording of the joke itself, especially in print. Some of these follow familiar archetypes, too. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it makes the ones that catch me off guard all the better.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 01, 2006, 05:59:34 PM
WORLD WAR III IS COMING
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why?? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 03, 2006, 11:14:48 AM
This rumor can of course be put to rest with the simple inclusion of A/S/L/Pic into my PM box
A few jokes for the only female(?) on PGC...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things " that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------- ------ --------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Quote
Originally posted by: TVman
That's putting a woman a woman in her place.
No, really, it is. Very sexist and offensive.
By all of which I of course mean hilarious
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 05, 2006, 07:35:41 PM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.
But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus,
which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the
body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. ...............
"MY ROLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 07, 2006, 06:56:13 PM
Two little boys are in the hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room of a hospital
The first kid leans over and asks, " What are you in here for ? "
The second kid says, " I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. "
The first kid says, " You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of JELL-O and ice cream. It's a breeze !! "
The second kid then asks, " What are you here for ? "
The first kid says, " A circumcision. "
And the second kid says, " WHOA !! Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born..... COULDN'T WALK FOR A YEAR !!! "
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 11, 2006, 03:25:59 PM
This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.
"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.
"Sure.", says the bartender.
As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball.
"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.
When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.
"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball."
"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"
The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"
"He isn't going to eat the cue-ball is he?", asked the bartender.
"No he's over that.", explained the guy.
Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.
"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.
The guy comes out of the bathroom.
"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.
"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."
Post by: vudu on June 12, 2006, 03:00:41 AM
Post by: couchmonkey on June 12, 2006, 01:39:34 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 13, 2006, 08:18:37 PM
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 15, 2006, 07:54:43 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet Crocodile by his side.
He puts the Croc up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this Crocodiles mouth and place my genitals inside and the
Croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped
his trousers, placing his privates in the Crocodiles mouth. The Croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the Croc
Hard on the top of its head. The Croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer,
"I'll pay anyone $100 Who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde girl timidly spoke up,
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer bottle."
Post by: couchmonkey on June 16, 2006, 10:08:26 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 16, 2006, 07:20:11 PM
.....now if I only had more jokes to post
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 18, 2006, 09:52:21 AM
A vampire walk into a bar late one nite, sits at the counter, smiles and waits for the bartender to come his way.
Bar tender jokingly says "What can I get you, a Bloody Mary"?
"No" replies the vampire, " I'll just have a cup of hot water"
"A cup of hot water" says the bartender while confused, " But aren't you a vampire"
The vampire grabs his cup of hot water and then pulls a used tampon from his pocket, "Haven't you ever heard of tea"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 21, 2006, 08:19:39 PM
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all
those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 23, 2006, 07:00:36 PM
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?".
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 25, 2006, 08:46:17 AM
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh!t."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 28, 2006, 06:54:33 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said
sternly,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and
we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me
my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"
The wife replied,
"The f***in' funeral director would be my guess."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 08, 2006, 04:18:06 AM
A little white boy was watching his mother in the
kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While
the mother had her head turned, the little white boy
went to the table dipped both hands in the chocolate
frosting and covered his face with it.
The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing
and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing?The son
gleefully replied "Look Mama! I'm black!!!" The mother
became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son.
She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've
Done!
The boy then walked into the den where his father was
reading and said "Look Daddy! I'm black!!"The father
put his magazine down with a very puzzled look on his
face (seeing the chocolate on the boy's face.) The
father said "Come here, boy!"
The boy came to him and the father smacked his son
across his head.
The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what
you've done!!!"
The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on
the porch and said, "Um... Grandpa. Look what I did.
I'm black now"
The grandfather said gruffly, "COME HERE BOY!" The
grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded
to spank him. "That'll teach you! Now go back in the
kitchen with your mama!!!
The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said
"I hope you've learned your lesson, young man!" The
boy says with a scowl on his face "Hell yeah! I've
been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white
mothaf**kas already!
Post by: EasyCure on July 08, 2006, 06:38:13 PM
Post by: vudu on July 09, 2006, 05:45:54 AM
Post by: nickmitch on July 09, 2006, 02:22:52 PM
Post by: EasyCure on July 09, 2006, 05:10:21 PM
i don't do that sorta thing
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 10, 2006, 02:05:23 PM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of
the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the
table:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -
Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened
last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your
mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that
black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have
a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch,
I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time...
Priceless
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 12, 2006, 08:23:59 PM
Catholic School Girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks
the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male
organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Post by: couchmonkey on July 13, 2006, 06:50:13 AM
Awesome. I have no new jokes myself.
Post by: Deguello on July 15, 2006, 04:07:47 AM
Two poachers are captured by a jungle tribe. The tribal chieftain, after much deliberation, decided their fates.
"You have choice," said the chieftain. "You can either have death... or Kabangie."
After much mulling over, the first poacher decided that anything would be better than death.
"Kabangie," he muttered with uncertainty.
"Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie," the tribe chanted.
The tribe began a strange ritual of dance in front of a dense part of the jungle. Within mintues the leaves part and a huge 500-lbs silverback gorrila leaps out, grabs the poacher, and drags him back into the foliage and commences the most brutal raping of all time. There are twigs flying about, many animals disturbed, and even a tree or too fell over. The poacher screamed for as long as he could before passing out. After an hour, Kabangie returned with the limp, unconcious body of the poacher, who twitched a little to show he was still alive, and muttered incoherently.
"You choose," the chieftain said.
The second poacher saw that his friend would probably never walk straight for the rest of his life, not to mention the emotional and psychological scars. He summoned the courage to answer.
"Death," he said boldy.
"Very well. You get Death... by Kabangie!!"
"Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie, Kabangie."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 17, 2006, 06:49:43 PM
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 19, 2006, 06:18:35 PM
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the
little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she
said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced, "We're about to
witness
the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted
to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing
my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel
wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into
the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife
agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie... Priceless!
Moral of the story - finish biology class;
lizards lay eggs!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 21, 2006, 08:49:08 PM
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him
and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that
you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of
the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"WHAT? I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things,
too."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 24, 2006, 07:29:51 AM
Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife
finally convinced him to see a neurologist.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure you headaches.
The bad news is that, it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw
a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need . . . a new suit.
He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "let's see . . size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years", the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a
new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "let's see, 34 sleeves, and 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "how
about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "sure."
The salesman said, "let's see . . . size 36."
Joe laughed, "ah ha!! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion
PRICELESS
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 26, 2006, 06:18:43 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip,
the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
when to her great fortune .......
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 28, 2006, 02:21:39 PM
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ghey, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 30, 2006, 08:32:00 AM
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
scroll down
You got mail!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 03, 2006, 08:42:04 AM
Rumsfeld is giving a report to the President and to the Cabinet.....
He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
The President says,"Oh,my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction
whatsoever to these reports.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian??"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 04, 2006, 07:28:59 AM
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
"lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the @sshole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge hole .
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
"Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern
Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Post by: couchmonkey on August 04, 2006, 07:42:41 AM
Heard this one from a friend, he probably got it somewhere else:
I had to beat up a disabled person today. She tried to park in one of our spots!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 08, 2006, 07:12:53 AM
Husband Wanted:
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
Sheput an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you! You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
Post by: couchmonkey on August 08, 2006, 07:58:32 AM
A man and a woman are out on a date.
The man offers the woman a drink, and she replies, "Oh no, what would I tell the children at Sunday school?"
Later, the man offers the woman a cigarette and she again replies, "Oh no, what would I tell the children at Sunday school?"
On the drive home, the man figures he's ruined the date already, and jokingly asks the woman if she wants to stop at the hotel they are driving past.
"Sure, why not?" she replies.
Surprised, the man says, "But what will you tell the kids at Sunday school?"
"The same thing I tell them all the time: you can still have fun without drinking or smoking!"
Post by: Deguello on August 09, 2006, 10:51:23 AM
And that one about the boys having sex with their teacher is actually sort of wrong. It DOES damage them. If those teachers were not "hot and blonde" but rather "other hair colors" and "other levels of attractiveness," it would make the news as TEACHER RAPES STUDENT. This reinforces the societal problem of women getting special treatment/heaps of scorn solely for outward appearance.
I think what w will find with this humor thread is... there are some things that just aren't funny. And this is probably one of them.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 10, 2006, 08:40:20 AM
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
Post by: Flonne on August 10, 2006, 02:23:14 PM
Here's one we refer to a lot at work..---
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in crap up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with crap up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with crap up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Post by: Flonne on August 10, 2006, 02:43:04 PM
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior
culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to
women."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 11, 2006, 08:38:22 PM
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over
to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that
foul language..
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
------------------------------------------------------
THe funny thing about this joke is that a friend of mine just won 2.5 mil in a lawsuit and he called his bank to try and see if he can open up a high interest bank account. Basically the teller on the phone started yappin about past credit & account history and basically treated him like he was unworthy of the time it would take to explain why he can't have a high interest account. The next thing he said was "Ok, then I want to withdraw all of my money from this bank". The teller got nervous, cause she was the reason for losing an account. She ried to tell him that is wasn't necessary for him to close all his accounts. He replied with "I know, but I jost won 2.5 million dollars and wanted to put it in your bank, but you're treating me like a kid, so now I want all of my money out of this bank and I'll go put it some other bank.
To make a drawn out story a little shorter, he had the teller basically made the teller feel like a jackass and laughed when she started trying to kiss his @ss for that 2.5 mil.
Post by: vudu on August 12, 2006, 05:34:48 AM
If you don't mind me asking, what kind of lawsuit was it? An honest-to-goodness one like the hospital effed up and I was misdiagnosed or a bullshit one like I spilled a hot beverage on myself and now I want some cash for it?
Post by: ShyGuy on August 12, 2006, 07:15:23 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 12, 2006, 09:20:31 AM
QuoteFirst of all, he never deposited the 2.5 in that bank, he was about to but the teller was talking down to him, so he pulled all of his existing cash from the bank.
Originally posted by: vudu
That's not a smart idea. That's how mistakes are made and that 2.5 million suddenly disappears out of the account and gets misplaced.
If you don't mind me asking, what kind of lawsuit was it? An honest-to-goodness one like the hospital effed up and I was misdiagnosed or a bullshit one like I spilled a hot beverage on myself and now I want some cash for it?
And the lawsuit was against the city that he lives in and the police that "protect" it, something about harrassment. The city placed a restraining order on him(barring him from enter any establishment in that city) but he won 2.5 after the lawyer and the taxes have been paid.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 15, 2006, 08:21:42 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I
think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my
butt???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Post by: ShyGuy on August 15, 2006, 10:29:43 PM
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Post by: Smoke39 on August 16, 2006, 12:14:54 AM
Post by: couchmonkey on August 16, 2006, 05:33:11 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 17, 2006, 10:45:42 PM
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They
phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her
husband will be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to
my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled
her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 30, 2006, 06:12:55 PM
A young blonde lady is driving down the freeway when she is pulled over by a policewoman for speeding. The policewoman also happens to be blonde. The officer then explains to the young lady why she has been pulled over and asks the lady for her driver’s license.
“My driver’s license? What’s that?” Says the young lady. “
It’s that little thing that you keep in your purse with your face on it” explains the officer.
“Oh okay” the lady replies as she pulls out a makeup compact with a mirror on the inside and hands it to the officer.
The officer looks stunned and asks, “HEY HOW DID YOU GET MY LICENSE??????”
Post by: Smoke39 on August 30, 2006, 07:16:10 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 30, 2006, 07:20:09 PM
Not all of them are complete idiots, actually some of the blondes aren't even really blonde.
But blondes have a reputation for a reason.
Post by: Anon_Emus on August 30, 2006, 07:21:02 PM
QuoteYou must be blonde...
Originally posted by: Smoke39
I don't get blonde jokes. Why not just call them idiot jokes or something? It's not like there's really a correlation between hair color and intelligence.
Post by: Smoke39 on August 30, 2006, 09:20:23 PM
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on August 31, 2006, 05:36:50 AM
Post by: Smoke39 on August 31, 2006, 02:17:20 PM
Post by: Anon_Emus on September 01, 2006, 03:59:15 AM
dirty or not
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 01, 2006, 09:22:44 AM
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversati on took place:
First guy "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
weekend."
Second guy "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool."
Third guy "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel
the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able
to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
Post by: Smoke39 on September 01, 2006, 11:11:43 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: Anon_Emus
^^^^^^ spoken like a true blonde
dirty or not
Shut up! *cries*
Post by: couchmonkey on September 01, 2006, 01:07:05 PM
Post by: wandering on September 02, 2006, 09:20:25 PM
Mario and Luigi are walking through the mushroom kingdom, and Luigi is jabbering on and on about Daisy, as usual. Finally, Mario has had enough. "Man, I don't-a wanna hear about your stupid girlfriend anymore," Mario says, while jumping on a stray goomba. "Daisy could-a get kidnapped by Bowser and I wouldn't evan-a care. Also, listen, I didn't even want-a tell you this, but last night-a, I saw her and Birdo...."
"Hey!" Luigi interrupts. "What's-a this?" He reachs down and picks up what appeared to be an antique oil lamp.
"Give me-a that!" Mario shouts. As he grabs the oil lamp from Luigi's hands, a genie pops out out of it.
"Hello Mario," says the genie. "I am here to grant you three wishes." Mario and Lugi are stunned silent. "BUT," continues the genie, "for everything you wish for, Daisy will get the same thing, except double."
"What?" cries mario. "But I hate that-a bitch!"
The genie shrugs. "Those are the rules."
"Fine, fine." Mario stops to think. "I want a new castle."
The genie snaps his fingers. "Done. And Daisy gets two new castles."
Mario says, "Okay. Now I want a hundred 1up mushrooms."
Again, the genie snaps his gingers. "Done. And Daisy gets two hundred 1up mushrooms. And for your final wish...?"
Mario smiles. "I want you to beat me half to death."
Post by: oohhboy on September 02, 2006, 11:12:44 PM
Post by: IceCold on September 03, 2006, 05:44:53 PM
I thought he was going to ask for a penis. Not that he doesn't already have one. Not that I'd know..
Post by: UncleBob on September 03, 2006, 05:54:39 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: wandering
Again, the genie snaps his gingers. "Done. And Daisy gets two hundred 1up mushrooms. And for your final wish...?"
Mario smiles. "I want you to beat me half to death."
Well, that was a dumb joke. Daisy just got two hundred extra lives, who cares if she gets beaten to death, she'll still have 199 lives left.
Gee, wandering, perhaps it would have been better if you had stayed banned.
Post by: wandering on September 04, 2006, 11:10:21 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 13, 2006, 09:09:08 AM
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. If your pastor wears a real gold Rolex he's robbing you.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive new clothes every week.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away not used as carry-on luggage.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
Post by: wandering on September 13, 2006, 10:04:58 AM
Quote
10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
I will admit to all of these.....exceept number 4. Did you know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's? It's true!
Post by: vudu on September 13, 2006, 10:37:19 AM
Post by: nickmitch on September 13, 2006, 06:16:44 PM
Note: My parents drink Crown Royal.
Post by: couchmonkey on September 13, 2006, 06:26:56 PM
The only one on the white people list that I can't admit to is skinny != sexy. Well, I can 50% admit to it, there's definitely such a thing as too skinny, and there are sexy people that are not skinny...but overall...I like ladies that are slimmer than not.
Post by: King of Twitch on September 14, 2006, 11:29:06 AM
I googled Crown Royal bags only to find this
http://www.colorwithquilts.com/enlarge23.html
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 16, 2006, 02:57:10 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Post by: Smoke39 on September 16, 2006, 03:50:48 PM
Post by: Deguello on September 22, 2006, 08:19:45 AM
So this hooker walks up to me and says "Hey baby, for fifty dollars I'll do anything for you."
So I says, "Oh yeah? Paint my house!"
Post by: couchmonkey on September 22, 2006, 10:17:13 AM
Post by: wandering on September 22, 2006, 11:39:10 AM
Quote
Haha. Now do Nintendo/Sony/Microsoft fanboys!!
What have I done?
Post by: vudu on September 22, 2006, 12:00:15 PM
Post by: wandering on September 22, 2006, 12:11:29 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 04, 2006, 08:09:52 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Post by: couchmonkey on October 05, 2006, 05:15:04 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 08, 2006, 09:58:34 PM
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a
Secluded garden behind the center to sit and
Ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
The garden.They begin to chat, and before
They know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold
Turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
Miss most of all?"
She asks, what?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't
Get it up if I held a gun to your head! "
I know, " Harold says, "but it would be nice
If a woman could just hold it for a while.
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, and then unzips
His trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night
In the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their
Usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to
Find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked
Around the senior citizen home where she found
Him sitting by the pool with another female
Resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
"Parkinson's"
Post by: Smoke39 on October 09, 2006, 12:39:45 AM
Post by: vudu on October 09, 2006, 02:59:56 AM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 09, 2006, 02:28:48 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 12, 2006, 03:22:31 AM
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,
the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --
A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime
juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink
the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
he drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not
wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty
drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and
says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
-p.s. Try this one to a friend, it really works.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 13, 2006, 12:55:48 AM
Definately try this on a friend, peer presure will make him swallow.
The drink is called a Cement Mixer. I think its in the Bartenders Bible (the little black book behind the bar)
Post by: Smoke39 on October 13, 2006, 08:09:11 AM
Post by: wandering on October 13, 2006, 08:34:29 AM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 13, 2006, 09:56:30 AM
Post by: couchmonkey on October 13, 2006, 11:39:58 AM
Post by: Smash_Brother on October 13, 2006, 11:59:00 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: Smoke39
That punchline was weak.
Do what I do: change the joke ever so slightly to fit your own personal delivery style. Every person tells jokes differently and how you accentuate the punch-line can make a huge difference between people exploding with laughter and giving you a pity laugh.
Personally, I'd change it to him saying, "I wonder whose phone this is..."
As for the semen comment, while I won't pretend I have many data samples, no two girls have ever tasted alike.
Oh, and to BNM, thank you. I have used many of these jokes among friends with MUCH success.
Post by: Arbok on October 13, 2006, 07:25:41 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: Smoke39
Semen has a pretty mild flavor. Though I suppose that probably varies for different people.
It depends largely on what the person eats, what their main diet is (vegetarian or not), etc.
Anyway, just want to chime in saying that the "Blow Job Revenge" has to be my favorite thus far.
Post by: Smoke39 on October 13, 2006, 07:31:32 PM
Post by: ThePerm on October 13, 2006, 07:34:30 PM
Post by: Smash_Brother on October 13, 2006, 08:07:49 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: ThePerm
is the aristrocrats joke in here?
No but it should be, though it's a bit much for ANY forum.
I've heard the pineapple juice thing as well, but I think I speak for most guys when I say I'd have to take someone else's word for it.
Post by: Smoke39 on October 13, 2006, 09:02:27 PM
Post by: Svevan on October 13, 2006, 11:21:39 PM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 13, 2006, 11:43:04 PM
Post by: Svevan on October 13, 2006, 11:45:18 PM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 14, 2006, 09:39:39 AM
Why do people SWIM in that stuff?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 14, 2006, 02:57:04 PM
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to
consider this......
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice
hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and
then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Post by: Smoke39 on October 14, 2006, 05:15:17 PM
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 14, 2006, 05:28:35 PM
I bet you thought I typed out the whole thing. But why would I put it in spoilers? You should have thought that through.
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Post by: Smoke39 on October 14, 2006, 05:31:06 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: KnowsNothing
But why would I put it in spoilers?
Becuase you're a big giant weirdo?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 16, 2006, 03:08:27 AM
"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double
pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So,
I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last
year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?!! It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument."
Post by: Smoke39 on October 16, 2006, 08:27:46 AM
Post by: vudu on October 16, 2006, 08:36:17 AM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 16, 2006, 08:46:01 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 16, 2006, 08:48:03 AM
QuoteI meant the joke was stupid but I guess it could be interpreted either way depending on how you read it.
Originally posted by: Smoke39
If being unfamiliar with figures of speech is stupid, then almost everyone who isn't a native speaker of your particular language is automatically stupid.
I meant Another stupid "blonde joke"
you read Another "Stupid Blonde" joke
Post by: Smoke39 on October 16, 2006, 12:04:43 PM
Vudu isn't.
hate hate hate
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 18, 2006, 08:37:49 PM
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 23, 2006, 12:36:59 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Post by: Smoke39 on October 23, 2006, 12:53:01 PM
Post by: couchmonkey on October 23, 2006, 01:06:31 PM
Post by: couchmonkey on October 25, 2006, 07:23:12 AM
TV Interviewer: "How do I get a woman interested in me?"
Woman at sex show: "Well start out by saying, 'Hey, how's it going.' You try it."
TV Guy: "Okay, 'Hello, how is it going?"
Woman: "Good!"
TV Guy: "Do you want to have intercourse?"
Woman: "No, you have to go slower than that."
TV Guy: "Oh! Doooooooo yooooooou waaaaaaaaant toooooo haaaaaaaave iiiiiiiinteeeeerrcoooourse?"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 25, 2006, 10:34:53 PM
The CORRECT way to come home drunk!
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and cost into the garage. I take my shoes off and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into my bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for
staying out so late and coming home drunk!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet,
then use the full flush with the seat up, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the
bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "WHO'S HORNEY?"
She acts like she's sound asleep."
Post by: Smoke39 on October 25, 2006, 10:46:09 PM
Post by: couchmonkey on October 26, 2006, 07:33:51 AM
Post by: Smash_Brother on October 26, 2006, 07:39:49 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: couchmonkey Now all I can think about is slapping bums.
Don't those guys have enough problems already?
Post by: vudu on October 26, 2006, 08:55:30 AM
QuoteI see you complain about a lot of these jokes, yet you don't seem to contribute any of your own. How odd.
Originally posted by: Smoke39
That marriage = no sex has to be one of the most tired themes for jokes ever.
Post by: Smoke39 on October 26, 2006, 11:47:13 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2006, 12:28:20 AM
p.s. I am very drunk at the posting of this, so don't take anything too persona...l
p.s.s. the p.s. above was typed before whatever is typed before it...
p.s.s.s. I don't have another joke to post right now
, maybe tomorrow
Post by: blackfootsteps on October 27, 2006, 03:19:05 AM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 27, 2006, 02:12:45 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
How can you be so opinionated and not submit something of your own to be judged too?
I don't need to give examples of stuff I like in order to express dislike for something.
I would share a joke if it really means so much to you weirdos, but I don't know any good ones. Most jokes are pretty stupid. So I make fun of them.
Post by: decoyman on October 27, 2006, 02:22:28 PM
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
(badum-CHING)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2006, 07:45:44 PM
QuoteI can agree with that, and here is an example of one to make fun of...
Originally posted by: Smoke39
Most jokes are pretty stupid. So I make fun of them.
Another Really Stupid Blonde Joke
A young blonde lady is driving down the freeway when she is pulled over by a policewoman for speeding. The policewoman also happens to be blonde. The officer then explains to the young lady why she has been pulled over and asks the lady for her driver’s license.
“My driver’s license? What’s that?” Says the young lady. “
It’s that little thing that you keep in your purse with your face on it” explains the officer.
“Oh okay” the lady replies as she pulls out a makeup compact with a mirror on the inside and hands it to the officer. The officer looks stunned and asks, “HEY HOW DID YOU GET MY LICENSE??????”
THE END
Post by: Smoke39 on October 27, 2006, 07:50:25 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2006, 08:17:18 PM
Post by: Smoke39 on October 27, 2006, 08:56:42 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 28, 2006, 02:16:53 PM
The Book Report
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with
the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.....! Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 02, 2006, 07:31:29 AM
Doctor: “So what seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “Doc, I’ve got really bad gas … I just fart all the time”
Doctor: “Hmmm, ok … go on”
Patient: “My farts do not stink and make no sound, but it’s rather alarming that I’m cranking them out all the time. We’ve been here for five minutes and I’ve farted six times. And as I stated, you couldn’t hear or smell them, right?”
Doctor: Picks up his pad and paper, then says “Hmmm … here’s a prescription I want you to fill.”
Patient: “This is GREAT doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
Doctor: “No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”
----------------------------------------
The other day I was at the Carwash waiting for my car to finish getting waxed and this guy that looks like Fred Willard comes out and starts telling jokes and just being a character all around. I don't remember the first joke that he told(while he was goetting his shoes polished), but I do remember the second joke that he told. He actually walked up to a very elderly couple behind me and something along these lines:
Excuse me, I can see that you two have been around the block for quite some time and must have accumulated quite a bit of wisdom along the way, so do you mind if I ask ou a question?
[the old coulpe kinda looks at each other and the the wife sort of nods]
What is the speed of sex? ....... I figured you would know this one as I bet you two were wild back in your day!! <bounces eyebrows>
[the old couple now look a little bit uncomfortable, and start to shift in their seat]
Its 68, because at 69 both of you are eating it! <nsert the ba dum ching facial expression here>
[the old couple quickly got up and scurried off to thier vehicle which was now done.]
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 04, 2006, 09:32:12 AM
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won
Post by: Athrun Zala on November 04, 2006, 12:49:54 PM
in any case, women didn't win, as in spanish the one most used is "computadora" ("computador" is actually used in Spain, but not that much, as they actually use the word "ordenador")
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 08, 2006, 08:25:32 AM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
-------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
-----------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 10, 2006, 06:24:46 PM
3 Wishes
A lucky bachelor one day happens to run across a lamp with three spouts. When he picked up this lamp and rubbed it, 3 Genies popped out and each offered to grant him a single wish....
The next morning the man wakes up to find himself in a giant bed in a giant house with millions of dollars spread all about. The 1st Genie approaches him and says "your wish has been granted"
He then finds himself to be "involved" with 50 of the most beautiful women you could have ever gazed your eyes upon. Afterwards the 2nd Genie approaches him and says, "Your wish has been granted"
After seeing all his money in his big giant house & satisfying himself with as many women as he could handle, the 3rd genie approaches the man, grabs him, drags him out side and hangs him from a tree by his neck.
The 3rd genie then turns to the 1st & 2nd Genie and says " I understand why he'd wish to be extremely rich & I also understand why he'd want to be surrounded by lots of beautiful faithful women... but why would he want to be hung like a black man?"
Post by: Smoke39 on November 10, 2006, 06:34:50 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 12, 2006, 10:56:42 AM
A: To bump this thread back up to the top!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 14, 2006, 07:59:06 PM
The handicapped parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -
- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You
can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and
the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued
taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all
over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Post by: Zach on November 14, 2006, 09:05:22 PM
ANCIENT CHINESE TORTURE
Theres this guy, wandering through a forest, when he comes along this big chinese style house. Tired, and having no other place to stay, the man knocks on the door to ask for shelter for the night.
An old Chinese man opens the door and says: "You may stay upstairs, however, if you have sex with my daughter, I will subject you to three chinese tortures, the most horrible tortures known to man"
The man agrees, but when the daughter walks into the room, he regrets it because the daughter is the most beutiful woman he had ever seen in his life, and she was sending him signals that she was interested.
So the man lies awake in his room late at night, unable to get the beutiful daughter from his mind. Finally he decides that the tortures couldn't be THAT bad. So the man goes to the daughter's room, and has the best sex he has ever experienced. Afterwards he sneaks back to his room, and goes to sleep without bothering to put clothes on, hoping he was unnoticed by the old chinese man.
The next morning, the man wakes up to find a giant heavy rock on top of his chest. On the rock he finds a note that reads "Ancient Chinese Torture #1: Large rock on chest".
The man thinks to himself "Is that the best you can do old man!" Then throws the boulder out the window.
As he does this the man reads another note attached to the window "Ancient Chinese Torture #2: Left testicle tied to rock"
Acting purely on reaction the man jumps out of the window in an effort to try to save his privates. As he is falling he reads another note attached to the rope:
"Ancient Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 17, 2006, 05:45:35 AM
Only In A Blondes World
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS
STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES
UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING
AND PANTING.
"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.
"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS
HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS
"DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND
HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO
THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN
THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER,
TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU
ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A
HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING
THE KIDS!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 04, 2006, 08:27:32 PM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary... For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school football team 35 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out
of bed, but and it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is a
Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air; then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked
on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other shiit too.
Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me at the door, with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me
that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,
as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday: I hate that wench Belinda more that any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
*&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna-cum-laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine
in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my
planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my wife (the wench) will choose a gift for me that is fun
- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Post by: Smoke39 on December 04, 2006, 09:14:43 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 05, 2006, 04:25:26 AM
If not, then I'm not the one with the poor sense of humor... I just enjoy a cheaper laugh.
besides I often take pleasure in other peoples pain, and can sometimes appreciate the "so stupid, its funny"* comedy.
*sometimes stupid is just stupid though, and that happens more often than it should
the next poster WILL find it funny
Post by: Rhoq on December 05, 2006, 04:36:49 AM
Post by: Smoke39 on December 05, 2006, 06:32:05 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 07, 2006, 08:35:56 PM
Homeless Woman
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
Post by: couchmonkey on December 08, 2006, 06:12:19 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 22, 2007, 06:16:28 PM
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car,
opens the trunk, and takes out two cardboard men. She unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching
drivers? Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, What is going on
here?!!
My car broke down, Officer? says the woman, calmly.
Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?!? asks the Officer.
She replied....
Oh, those are my emergency flashers...
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on February 23, 2007, 03:01:30 AM
Hey, did I ever tell you guys I used to work for the county? I wasn't cut out for it, though. I didn't really like working outside, but the real problem was that I was forgetful. Like this one time, we were supposed to go out and fill some potholes, but I forgot to put the shovels in the truck. When we got to the site, I had to call the boss and tell him about it. He said, "Well, just wait a little bit, and I'll bring the shovels to you." I said, "What should we do until then?" He answered, "I guess you'll just have to lean on each other."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 28, 2007, 06:41:48 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.... "
Post by: Smash_Brother on March 01, 2007, 05:30:32 AM
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on March 02, 2007, 10:06:12 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 02, 2007, 04:51:31 PM
The Lees were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Lee kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Lee cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Lee.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Lee muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Lee.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Lee, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Lee leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 16, 2007, 07:33:04 PM
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a
drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the
world was Chinese.
***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the
next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that
she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she
blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are
you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents
to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You
need to roll up the windows first."
****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with
the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye
doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a
hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked
her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down
her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional
about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set
on wire frames."
****************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a
silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked
it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things
hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
***************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)
blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging
pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf
balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
******************
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first wedding anniversary So he
decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and
explained to her all of its features.
SUSIE as excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie,"
he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart!?"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 07, 2007, 10:11:17 AM
Three pieces of string are hanging out one Friday night. They're wandering around downtown, looking for something to do, when they come across this new club that just opened. The three strings decide to check it out. So the first string goes up to the door, but the bouncer stops him and says, "We don't allow pieces of string in here; get out" and kicks him out. Annoyed, the strings decide they don't want to frequent the club after all if it's going to discriminate against strings, so they go somewhere else.
Next Friday rolls around and the pieces of string are looking for something to do again. They decide, hey, maybe that bouncer was just a jerk and they should try that new club again. So this time the second string marches up to the door. But it's same bouncer and he says, "Are you those strings again? We don't allow pieces of string in here; get out." The three strings are really annoyed but they don't see how they can get past the bouncer, so they just leave.
Friday rolls around again and now it's personal; the strings are determined to get inside this club. The third piece of string figures that maybe if he disguises himself, he can sneak inside. So he ties himself in a loop and messes up his ends a little. Then he walks up to the door. The bouncer looks at him suspiciously and says, "You aren't another one of those strings, are you?" But the third string just says, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot."
Post by: vudu on April 08, 2007, 03:06:37 AM
Post by: S-U-P-E-R on April 08, 2007, 03:26:58 AM
Never, ever quit BNM
Post by: oohhboy on April 08, 2007, 04:20:21 AM
Post by: nickmitch on April 08, 2007, 05:57:36 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 08, 2007, 07:47:02 AM
Post by: NWR_pap64 on April 08, 2007, 07:57:00 AM
Besides, the joke is supposed to be a groaner joke, not a LOL joke.
Post by: IceCold on April 08, 2007, 12:55:03 PM
QuoteHahahah.. that was better than the joke itself
Originally posted by: oohhboy
He meant don't quit your day job.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 21, 2007, 04:09:10 PM
Australian Court Docket #12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
*This one wasn't a joke, but thats what actually makes it funny*
Post by: nickmitch on April 21, 2007, 05:44:15 PM
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on April 23, 2007, 03:38:35 AM
Edit: What a waste of a 1000th post.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 23, 2007, 06:37:28 AM
Post by: UncleBob on April 23, 2007, 06:43:07 AM
Edit: Quick Snopes.com search: http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/busrider.asp
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 26, 2007, 11:28:31 PM
The Florida State Trooper
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked athis watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
Post by: wandering on April 29, 2007, 11:22:03 AM
So, Sonic the Hedgehog is visiting the Mushroom Kingdom. He's just running along, when he happens to pass Daisy's castle. Something catches his eye, and he screeches to a halt.
It couldn't be, he thinks to himself, as he approaches the window. But it is. There, right inside the window, he can see Daisy. Her eyes are closed, and she's sprawled out on a couch - completely naked.
Sonic licks his lips. "You know," he says to himself. "With my super speed, I could get in there, do her, and get out, before she even knew what hit her."
And so Sonic does just that. He runs into the castle and, within seconds, runs back out again. "Woohoo!" he shouts. "That was amazing!" And then he speeds off.
Daisy opens her eyes. "Baby," she says. "Did you hear something? Like a rushing sound?"
Mario takes off his invisibility cap. "No, but, mama mia! All of a sudden my butt really hurts."
Post by: nickmitch on April 29, 2007, 03:08:18 PM
Post by: wandering on April 30, 2007, 11:57:05 AM
Quote
I've heard a similar joke with Superman, WonderWoman and the invisible man
That's where I got it from.
Post by: nickmitch on April 30, 2007, 01:35:47 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 22, 2007, 08:39:36 PM
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the
purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products, but that captured the essence of Viagra.
Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan was:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 23, 2007, 07:05:15 PM
9 Months Later.....
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for
the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her
your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Post by: Smash_Brother on May 24, 2007, 08:30:47 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 25, 2007, 05:56:57 AM
Granting One Wish
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried
to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think
of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally,
he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could
understand women; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Post by: Svevan on May 25, 2007, 10:33:23 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 26, 2007, 12:30:41 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: Svevan
Whether you've posted that or not, it's older than the day is long.
I figured it was, but now its here for all eternity... or until this thread gets deleted.
Here is another one, its so much a joke as it is a story, but its still kinda funny.
A Lesson In Anger Management
*When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. *
I was sitting at my desk when I remember a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Gary. Could I please speak with John Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f#(king number!!” and the phone was slammed down in my ear. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down John’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an @sshole!” and hung up the phone. I wrote his number down with the word ‘@sshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bells or had a really bad day, I’d call him and yell “You’re an @sshole!”, it always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘@sshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”
He yelled “NO!!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an @sshole!” and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed the “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first @sshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW @sshole too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.”
I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Street Brooklyn. It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you , Don?”
He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yeah, sure.”
I said, “Don, you’re an @sshole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, everytime I had a problem, I had two @ssholes to call.
That’s when I came up with this idea. I called @sshole #1.
He said, ”Hello.”
I said, “You’re an @sshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He screamed, “STOP CALLING ME!!!”
I said, “Make me.”
….
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “And where do you live?”
I said, “ You @sshole, I live at 34 Oak Street Brooklyn in a yellow rambler I have a black Beamer parked in front!”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers!”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, @sshole” and hung up.
Then I called @sshole #2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, @sshole”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are I’ll…..”
I said, ”You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your @ss!”
I answered, “We’ll @sshole, here’s your chance, I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying I lived at 34 Oak Street in Brooklyn, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gey lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going on down in Oak Street in Brooklyn.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Brooklyn. I got there just in time to watch two @ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news ‘copter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 31, 2007, 06:59:22 PM
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 04, 2007, 10:20:30 PM
Importance: Low
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few
units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women
whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the
night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"
occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into
a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and
sex is offered by the predatory females
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 06, 2007, 07:52:13 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.
"The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 07, 2007, 07:55:09 PM
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 09, 2007, 11:52:57 AM
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 18, 2007, 06:12:59 AM
Translation
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives....."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Post by: NWR_pap64 on June 18, 2007, 10:09:11 AM
So I think SB made it a little too effective for my Latin raised mind to understand it
:p .
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 19, 2007, 07:59:14 AM
Mario & Luigi riding the bus
A bus stops and Mario & Luigi get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. Princess Peach, who is sitting behind them, ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears Mario say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted Princess Peach indignantly. "I can't believe this is how you would tell me you have been having sex with another woman, and who is this Emma you speak of!!?"
"Hey, coola down Princess," said Mario. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my brotha Luigi how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 21, 2007, 06:42:34 AM
The New Federal Emblem
Official Announcement:
"The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 24, 2007, 04:03:57 PM
"The Question"
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks "The Question":
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: ----- silence ------
HUSBAND: ----"Sh!t"----
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 28, 2007, 09:42:41 PM
Working people frequently ask us retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop on Broadway street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires.
So I called him a duck head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town on the bus.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 01, 2007, 07:56:37 PM
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in
English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Flower.
5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and
you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . .. . Is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap
and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney .
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with
their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and
cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your Governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Post by: Kairon on July 01, 2007, 09:23:56 PM
It's all so true!!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 04, 2007, 10:21:07 AM
Three drunk women had a very long night drinking. They left early in
the morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they
all met an compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The 1st girl claimed that she was the drunkest saying "I drove straight
home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I
blew chunks for 10 minutes".
The 2nd girl said "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car
and wrapped it around the 1st tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The 3rd proclaimed "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I
got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned
down the whole house"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then the first girl spoke out again: "LISTEN GIRLS!! I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTAND! Chunks is my dog!!!!!!!!!!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 14, 2007, 09:07:41 AM
When negative people do their best to rain on your parade;
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo........
The hairdresser asked, "Well, how was your trip to Rome?"
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time
in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel
was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a
jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the sh!tty hairdo?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 16, 2007, 09:25:47 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Post by: Requiem on July 17, 2007, 07:19:41 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 18, 2007, 08:12:32 PM
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 21, 2007, 06:00:18 AM
The Zipper
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper
down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said,
'Your barracks door is open.' Not a phrase that
men normally use, he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping,
a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He
zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line
where the lady was that told him about his
'barracks door.' He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the
counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks
door open, did you see a Marine standing in
there at attention?'
The lady (smarter than the man) thought for
a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw
was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of
old duffel bags'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 04, 2007, 03:00:02 PM
Just minutes before the church service started the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope".
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years.
p.s. Can someone come up with a better title for this joke?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 14, 2007, 09:35:57 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?"
"Yes, I! remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continues...
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have
gotten out today."
Post by: Smash_Brother on August 15, 2007, 06:02:04 AM
As for the Satan one, maybe "The Devil's Inlaw", but that might give too much away.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 19, 2007, 09:54:06 PM
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me
some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend
home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say
it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Bill
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can
talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a
chocolate moose.
Post by: nitsu niflheim on September 20, 2007, 03:10:18 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 20, 2007, 07:58:20 PM
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and
told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was
it?"
Sally replied, "No... salty!"
Post by: nickmitch on September 21, 2007, 05:54:03 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 23, 2007, 08:31:50 PM
The Value of a Drink - Public Service Announcements
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard (even while wearing dancing shoes!!).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: ; The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically conv erse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Post by: EasyCure on September 24, 2007, 05:33:43 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 24, 2007, 10:03:21 PM
Quote
Originally posted by: EasyCure
beer is gross, hard liquor FTW
I agree.
Post by: EasyCure on September 25, 2007, 07:21:51 AM
Post by: vudu on September 25, 2007, 07:59:27 AM
Post by: EasyCure on September 25, 2007, 08:19:20 AM
i now have a new favorite bar
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 25, 2007, 10:14:55 PM
Its just the way it has to be,
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 26, 2007, 04:59:56 AM
How To Call the Police
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips's residence and caught the burglars
red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George:
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 29, 2007, 01:52:36 PM
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Post by: Infernal Monkey on September 29, 2007, 09:52:34 PM
"YOU'RE LARGE, MAYBE YOU WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK DUE TO THE EXCESS WEIGHT"
"HEY, YOU. DICKHEAD, YOUR HEAD SEEMS TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A PENIS. TO ME. LAUGH OUT LOUD!"
"I JUST KILLED SOMEONE"
"HELLO"
"
"
""
""""
"
JOKE BOOK.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 02, 2007, 04:34:31 PM
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
day was going when you died.'
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that
broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel
announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him
in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump.
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke
my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his
story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to
himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven ,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please
tell me what it was like the day you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator. .....
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 05, 2007, 04:50:34 PM
It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25.. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35.. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expec little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 17, 2007, 06:47:35 PM
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mommy, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his big sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his older brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
Post by: IceCold on October 17, 2007, 07:08:53 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 17, 2007, 07:33:52 PM
Post by: Stogi on October 18, 2007, 10:31:50 AM
That last one was pretty good.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 25, 2007, 06:29:16 PM
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, The woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2007, 02:36:34 PM
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
-----------------------------------------
just so you know, I have one more joke(that actually made me laugh out loud
) that I'm saving for Monday. So keep an eye out for it.
Post by: bustin98 on October 27, 2007, 02:44:59 PM
Doesn't mean I don't appreciate the others but that duck joke just sounds like something I would think was funny in elementary school.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2007, 03:03:38 PM
Its saturday and I figured that with how dead NWR has been over the last few weekends(everyone should be headed to some sort of halloween party tonite), it would mostly slip by unnoticed.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 28, 2007, 10:56:59 AM
"Best Come Back Line Ever."
This was in the Washington Post ... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public Indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? ****...is it midnight already?"
Post by: Darkheart on October 28, 2007, 11:18:55 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 31, 2007, 04:45:07 AM
Post by: wandering on November 22, 2007, 05:12:48 PM
"Yeah?" growls Cranky.
"Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
"Depends."
Post by: MysticGohan on November 22, 2007, 05:36:11 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 30, 2007, 04:09:35 PM
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The
store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up
another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You a re visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and
have a nice day.
But to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives
store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that are extremely good looking.
The 2nd floor has wives that are extremely good looking and love sex.
The 3rd through 6th floors never been visited.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 14, 2008, 10:01:56 PM
Because its the Right Thing to Do
An 18 year old Italian girl
tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very
worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The
test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and
makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their
house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the
house.
He sits in the living room with
the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide
for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born,
I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront
villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will
be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they
will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who
had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You a-gonna try again."
p.s. sorry for the poor formating, but I don't feel like editing it right now.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 16, 2008, 03:56:30 PM
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Post by: IceCold on January 16, 2008, 05:44:30 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 04, 2008, 05:44:26 PM
God & The Quarterbacks
Three quarterbacks, Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady, go to heaven to visit God to watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question... God asks Peyton Manning
first:
"What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 06, 2008, 06:52:37 PM
A man was in a long line at Walmart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...
'Cleanup, Register 5'
Post by: EasyCure on February 07, 2008, 02:41:48 AM
[pun not intended]
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 08, 2008, 11:17:23 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who co mes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? Tha t's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty ye ars.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty yea rs? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 20, 2008, 01:01:54 PM
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'
'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'
Post by: vudu on February 21, 2008, 12:53:04 AM
When does a detective carry an umbrella? When he's undercover
What kind of birds always stick together? Vel crows
How do you get a free light bulb? Catch a lightening bug
Why did the sock monster cross the road? To stink up the whole town
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 22, 2008, 10:17:31 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off andwatched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I? could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.? He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 13, 2008, 10:39:34 AM
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Post by: EasyCure on June 13, 2008, 11:47:30 AM
i wish i could say you came back strong but that wasnt that great. try again please :)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 14, 2008, 06:24:43 PM
HE'S OFFICIALLY BACK NOW!I haven't received any good A list jokes over the last few months, but I'll skim through some stuff and see if I can pick something up thats atleast a little bit better than the last one :(
i wish i could say you came back strong but that wasnt that great. try again please :)
but here is a stupid on to hold you over till I find it :)
The Lying Giraffe!?
A man walkes into a bar with a giraffe on a leash.
He walks up to the bar and says "Can i get a pint of lager for both me and the giraffe please?"
The barman, although stunned, does as he was requested and pours two pints of lager.
After a few pints, the giraffe stumbles, swaggers, and then falls flat on his back on the floor.
The man stands up, and heads towards the door to leave.
"Excuse me" says the Barman "You can't leave that lyin' there"
"Thats not a lion" says the man "Thats a giraffe!"
Post by: EasyCure on June 14, 2008, 06:39:09 PM
i came up with a joke the other day, which i'm positive isn't very original but it just came to me while walking around with a friend. we were being "guys" and talking about these chicks we work with and just making dirty jokes. we were passing a Cold Stone Creamery and one of us said something perverted about putting your junk in the ice cream and offereing it to the girls (which came up cuz we knew none of them ever had that ice-cream before) so i'm gonna try to turn it into a "blonde, brunette and a redhead" joke.
So a guy works with these three hot blind girls; one blone, one brunette and a redhead. He's a bit of a creep and likes messing with the poor girls. One day he offers to buy them icecream, with a special surprise.
"here, i brought you a huge bowl of ice cream girls, dig in!"
He gives a spoon to the redhead first and lets her have some of his treat.
"ooh this is good but...uhm... i think there's a hair in mine" she says with dissapointment
next up the brunette tries it out.
"wow this is good but.. mine taste like it has nuts..." she said a little confused
lastly, the blonde tries it out. She starts eating and doesnt say anything. the other girls can hear her chowing down. They ask "well, how does yours taste?"
the blonde mumbles a reply and answers with a mouthfull "the ice creams ok but this d*ck is delicious!"
ok it wasnt that funny told that way, it was much funnier when i told it on the spot. oh well.
Post by: BranDonk Kong on June 14, 2008, 11:03:56 PM
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you've done told her twice already!
Post by: vudu on June 15, 2008, 12:25:49 PM
Nail its other hand to the ground.
What do you get when you cut a baby?
An erection.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 15, 2008, 01:44:01 PM
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Post by: blackfootsteps on June 15, 2008, 09:35:45 PM
Post by: Arbok on June 17, 2008, 01:25:29 PM
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
The woman keeps quiet and leaves.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for, an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it's a girl..."
Post by: BeautifulShy on June 17, 2008, 07:01:26 PM
Post by: wandering on September 08, 2008, 07:35:32 AM
Stan Ferguson is charged with piracy, and possession of mancakes.
He is sentenced to a public hanging.
After the execution, two men approach Stan's corpse, which is swinging in the wind.
"So that's Pryopizm, huh?" says one man.
"No," says the other. "It's only been a few minutes, not four hours."
Post by: bustin98 on September 08, 2008, 11:20:32 AM
Would you say that Stan Ferguson is well hung?
Post by: bustin98 on September 19, 2008, 02:53:45 PM
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 20, 2008, 06:48:29 PM
A gay guy goes into a tattoo shop and ask for a tattoo of a truck on his dick.
The tattoo artist ask "What kind?"
The gay guy ponders for a moment then replies,
"Well, you better make it a 4x4 cause its gonna to be goin thru some ****"
-------------------
What 4 animals do you see after great sex?
2 tired asses, 1 wet kitty and 1 dead cock.
Post by: nickmitch on September 20, 2008, 06:51:26 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 20, 2008, 07:57:49 PM
I might pop in from time to time, but when I come back for good I hope to resurrect SalesBot, if Ceric ever special orders those parts he's been missing.
My avatar lets you know where my head is right now. That will likely be my focus until Nov 5th at the earliest.
Post by: nickmitch on September 20, 2008, 08:12:42 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 26, 2008, 09:39:52 AM
Heaven & Hell: Race to the Gates
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his
hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf an d then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minut e, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I
mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it
in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full
of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'
Post by: BeautifulShy on September 26, 2008, 12:01:10 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on September 26, 2008, 06:17:47 PM
Post by: Khushrenada on September 27, 2008, 12:30:43 AM
Post by: bustin98 on September 27, 2008, 03:37:19 PM
You can't fly worth ****, I bet you can't even hit the side of that building...
Post by: EasyCure on September 27, 2008, 03:44:26 PM
Post by: bustin98 on September 27, 2008, 09:38:18 PM
Post by: nickmitch on September 27, 2008, 11:19:00 PM
Post by: EasyCure on September 28, 2008, 03:28:35 PM
Post by: bustin98 on September 28, 2008, 03:49:54 PM
Why don't you take a throw?
Post by: EasyCure on September 28, 2008, 04:02:14 PM
Post by: nickmitch on September 28, 2008, 04:55:50 PM
Hint: The correct answer wins you a trip to Guantanamo Bay.
Post by: EasyCure on September 28, 2008, 05:17:53 PM
Post by: nickmitch on September 28, 2008, 05:22:19 PM
Post by: EasyCure on September 28, 2008, 05:34:26 PM
Post by: nickmitch on September 28, 2008, 07:01:56 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 01, 2008, 01:37:08 PM
Post by: nickmitch on October 01, 2008, 03:19:52 PM
Post by: EasyCure on October 01, 2008, 03:37:28 PM
Post by: Pale on October 01, 2008, 04:28:59 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on October 02, 2008, 12:22:35 AM
Two large plains. < It's better when you tell this one out loud.
Here's another one...
Knock knock.
Who's There?
September Eleventh.
September Eleventh who?
I thought I told you "Never Forget"!
Post by: BranDonk Kong on October 02, 2008, 11:29:22 PM
Post by: DAaaMan64 on October 02, 2008, 11:55:50 PM
Post by: vudu on October 03, 2008, 02:06:22 PM
Post by: Smash_Brother on October 03, 2008, 10:38:20 PM
Which goes to show, sometimes you're better off not trying. :P
Trying is the first step toward failure.
What were the last pizzas delivered to the World Trade Center?
Two large plains.
Damn. I grinned at this one before my humanity got ahold of me.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 30, 2008, 12:26:04 PM
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way
we can afford it.
' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him;
'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here
by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
Post by: BeautifulShy on October 30, 2008, 03:21:00 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 05, 2008, 02:04:54 PM
A pregnant North Carolina lady is involved in a car accident in New York and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother from North Carolina flew in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!'
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?
"Denise", the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, 'Wow, that's not a bad name at all, guess I was wrong about my brother.
I like Denise!' Then she asks the doctor, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies, 'Denephew'
Post by: BranDonk Kong on November 05, 2008, 11:16:35 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 14, 2008, 01:41:48 PM
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well he's rich , famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they
finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room
service and get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to
make love with his wife a second time. When they finish,
he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call
room service to get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and
makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's
tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for
this damn hole!'
Post by: Stogi on November 14, 2008, 03:58:10 PM
What's the difference between Simba from the Lion King and Obama?
Ones an African lion and the others a lying African.
Post by: BeautifulShy on November 14, 2008, 05:57:09 PM
Stogi not bad but you could work on the delivery.
Post by: BranDonk Kong on November 15, 2008, 09:50:07 AM
Post by: Stogi on November 15, 2008, 07:11:20 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 15, 2008, 07:59:29 PM
I got one!there, I think I fixed your joke.
What's the difference between Simba from the Lion King and Obama?
Ones an African lion and the others a lyin' African.
(http://instantrimshot.com/)
Post by: Stogi on November 15, 2008, 09:38:18 PM
Why would somebody make something so trivial?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 15, 2008, 11:06:08 PM
its also a link now ;)
Post by: EasyCure on November 16, 2008, 01:28:57 AM
thanks BnM!
Post by: nickmitch on November 16, 2008, 03:18:43 AM
Post by: EasyCure on November 16, 2008, 02:40:39 PM
Post by: nickmitch on November 16, 2008, 03:45:17 PM
Post by: vudu on November 17, 2008, 09:20:04 PM
Where is it still socially acceptable to segregate the whites from the coloreds?
At the laundromat!
I crack myself up.
Post by: blackfootsteps on November 17, 2008, 09:31:43 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 18, 2008, 04:36:51 AM
Post by: EasyCure on November 18, 2008, 12:16:29 PM
Post by: nickmitch on November 21, 2008, 10:45:12 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 01, 2008, 10:55:31 PM
A man goes to a whorehouse but he only has $2... so they tell him "go to the last room upstairs, we have a dead hooker". So he goes upstairs and comes back down a while later and they asked him how it was. "It was fine... the only problem was that her nose kept running."
"Oh, she's probably full." - Gilbet Godfried
-------------------------------------------
A very broke, pitiful & desperate man with literally one dollar left to his name is horny beyond all belief. So horny he's likely to **** the first thing moving, if it would let him. The man is so desperate to get laid he goes to his local whorehouse and meets with the person in charge of all the whores.
"What can I get for a dollar?" asks the man.
"There's not really much that I can do for you for only a dollar," replies the woman in charge. "If you're really desperate, I can set you up with Mildred, but be aware that she is a dirty, disgusting woman."
The man, still horny beyond belief, accepts the offer and hands over his dollar. The woman takes him in the back of the whorehouse where he walks into a dark room and meets Mildred. Not only is she ugly, she has sores all over her skin, wrinkly skin hanging down all over her body, warts all over her face and is balding considerably. The man, still horny as a dog in heat, walks over to her and prepares for insertion.
"It's really scratchy and painful down there," the man says to Mildred.
"One second and I'll fix it," she replies.
The man gives her a couple of minutes and then tries reinserting himself. "Wow," he says, "this is much better. This is like the best sex of my life. How did you make it so much better?" he asks.
"I just picked off the scabs and let the pus start flowing."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 04, 2008, 01:38:17 PM
Three men are washed ashore on an unexplored island. Shortly afterwards all three are captured by the local - cannibal - populace, and are taken before the chief. Begging for their lives, the chief tells them that if any man can pass his test, then that man will be allowed to live.
Each man agrees to take the test, as they don't want to be eaten by cannibals; so the chief tells each man to go find 10 of any fruit, and then return to finish the second part of the test.
The first man runs off and finds 10 apples and returns to the chief. The chief then tells him the second part of the test - the man must insert all 10 of the apples into his ass without showing any emotion to be allowed to live. The first man inserts 9 of his apples into his ass, but winces in pain when pushing in the 10th apple, so he is killed and eaten.
The second man finds 10 blueberries, returns and is told how to complete the test. The second man inserts 9 of the blueberries into his ass, but then starts laughing when pushing the 10th blueberry in, so he is killed and eaten.
After reaching the afterlife, the first man confronts the second man and asks him, "Why did you start laughing? You were almost there!?"
The second man responds, "I know, but I saw the third guy coming. He was carrying pineapples."
Post by: EasyCure on December 04, 2008, 03:23:24 PM
Post by: Stogi on December 04, 2008, 03:33:18 PM
Post by: vudu on December 04, 2008, 08:25:46 PM
Commander Zorg: Which celebrity would you most like to have sex with, living or dead.
Captain Jax: ...
Commander Zorg: ...
Captain Jax: Hmmm. Living or dead?
Commander Zorg: Yep.
Captain Jax: ...
Commander Zorg: ...
Captain Jax: A dead Paris Hilton.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 09, 2008, 11:25:52 PM
So this kid is walking down the street and behind him he is pulling a squashed frog. He finally gets to where he is going and it turns out to be the local cat house. He goes inside and tells the Madam that he has money and would like to have sex with a certain girl.
The madam questions him at first but since he does have the money figures why the hell not.
So, she asks the boy, "Which girl?"
"I would like to have sex with Christie" the boy answered.
" Why Christie?" Asks the madam. " She is the most diseased girl I got.
I have several younger and cleaner girls that you could have"
" All I know is that I hear all the men say that have to get a shot after having sex with her. I have the money, now I want to have sex with her."
The madam relents and shows the boy upstairs.
After a little while he comes back down and is getting ready to leave when the madam says, " I have two questions, why did you want to have sex with Christie and why are you dragging a squashed frog behind you?"
So the boy answers, " Tonight my parents will go out. They always get me the same babysitter because she doesn't charge much, but she does have a fondness for young boys and will have sex with me like she always does. After which she will have what I just got from Christie. When they get back home my dad will take her home but on the way he will stop and have his way with her, and thus catching the disease that I gave her."
" When my dad gets back home he will go upstairs and make love to my mom giving her the disease that he got from the babysitter. In the morning, after my dad leaves for work the milkman will come by and will have his way with my mom and he will get the same disease."
After all this the madam asks, "Why would you want to give the milkman an std?"
The boy responds " CAUSE THAT'S THE GOD DAMN BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!!!!"
Post by: BeautifulShy on December 10, 2008, 12:08:38 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 12, 2008, 11:24:13 AM
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
Post by: Hostile Creation on December 12, 2008, 05:27:03 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 21, 2008, 07:57:19 PM
Two Prostitutes were walking down the street.
One turns to the other and says
"Damn girl, we gon get PAID tonite.
I can smell the dick in the air!"
The other one laughed and said,
"I know bitch. I just burped!"
Post by: EasyCure on December 21, 2008, 08:43:17 PM
Post by: Stogi on December 22, 2008, 01:44:34 AM
I don't cum all over an apple before I eat it
Post by: EasyCure on December 22, 2008, 10:34:31 AM
Post by: DAaaMan64 on December 22, 2008, 01:45:01 PM
Post by: nickmitch on December 22, 2008, 04:49:08 PM
Post by: EasyCure on December 22, 2008, 07:33:00 PM
Post by: DAaaMan64 on December 22, 2008, 08:57:12 PM
Post by: nickmitch on December 22, 2008, 09:27:15 PM
Post by: ThePerm on December 31, 2008, 12:35:08 AM
Post by: EasyCure on December 31, 2008, 09:41:32 AM
new joke?
Exactly, bumping everything in the fun house is getting old. Learn a new trick!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 14, 2009, 12:26:03 PM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'
Post by: Stogi on January 14, 2009, 01:24:55 PM
DAM FISH
This preacher and his family are home chillin on a Saturday. It's late in the afternoon and the wife would like to cook dinner. So the wife asks the preacher if he would mind doing some quick grocery shopping for dinner. He said he wouldn't, so she continued to tell him what to get.
"Get some chips, some bread, and some vegetables. Oh and if there's anything on sale in the meat department, pick it up ok?"
"Sure thing."
So the preacher's at the grocery story gathering up items on the list. He picks up the bread and the vegetables, then walks a couple aisles to pick me up the chips. He then goes to the meat department and asks the butcher what they had on sale.
"Well, let's see. We got this chuck roast and we got these dam fish."
"Excuse me, sir! I am a man of the Lord! Could you not curse around me?"
"No, you misunderstood. These are fish that were born in a dam, raised in a dam, and caught in a dam. They're dam fish."
"Oh ok! Well give me two pounds"
"Sure thing"
So the preacher goes home with the groceries and starts to help his wife unload them.
"So what was on sale, honey?"
"These dam fish"
"What was that?!"
"No you misunderstood. These are fish that were born in a dam, raised in a dam, and caught in a dam. They're dam fish."
"Oh. Well ok. I guess I'll go get the oven preheated."
So now there having dinner. The son and daughter are there and they're hungry. Everyone is passing around the food and filling up their plate.
"Honey?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Can you pass the dam fish?"
The son burst outs.
"That's the spirit, Dad! Can someone pass me the fucking potatoes?!"
Post by: Stogi on January 14, 2009, 08:09:19 PM
At the pearly gates, three men are standing waiting to enter heaven.
"STEP FORWARD, YOUNG SQUIRE!" Echoed St. Peter's voice.
The first dude looks around baffled, then shrugs his shoulders reluctantly and steps forward.
"FOR NOT COMMITTING THE CRIME OF ADULTERY, you have earned yourself a cad-y-lac. Enjoy it well, young gentle man, and welcome to heaAVEN!" *Choirs sing*
"Why is he talking like--"
"STEP FORTH, DEVOTE SERVANT!"
The second man steps forward.
"FOR CHEATING ON THOU SPOUSE, you have earned yourself a 1986 Hyundai Stellar. Now enter hastly. I can't stand to see such filth!" *Choirs sing*
"What a piece of sh---"
"STEP FORWARD, YOUNG.......I SAID FORWARD......FORWARD!"
The third man finally stands before Peter.
"FOR CHEATING ON THOU WIFE WITH HER YOUNGER SISTER, you are awarded a bicycle. 10 speed.....with a horn. *Choirs sing*
"But that's a g---"
"WHO'S NEXT?!"
Later....in heaven.
*Bike horn* "Hey guys, what's up? Whacha looking at?"
"It's dude over there. He's crying." He looks over and it's the dude that received a Cadillac, pulled over crying.
"Oh wait, I know that dude. Hold on. I'mma check it out"
*Bike horn* "Hey bro, are you alright? Something wrong?"
"No....I just happen to be crying in Heaven you fucking idiot! Of course, somethings wrong!"
"Well....what is it?"
"I just saw my wife pass by...."
"Oh, so your sad that she finally passed away?"
"No! She was riding a fucking skateboard!"
Post by: RABicle on January 14, 2009, 09:30:51 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 16, 2009, 02:59:26 PM
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
-----------------------------------------------------
Reflection
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 28, 2009, 01:58:02 PM
Having Mom over for Dinner
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said,’ Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down
and wrote:
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer
is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Post by: Khushrenada on January 28, 2009, 03:53:24 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on January 29, 2009, 01:39:27 AM
There's twenty of them!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 29, 2009, 11:51:03 AM
What's the best thing about twenty six year olds?This is from the 1st page
There's twenty of them!
What's the best part of sex with twenty eight year olds?almost 3 years ago.
There's twenty of them
Post by: BranDonk Kong on January 30, 2009, 01:09:07 AM
Post by: nickmitch on January 30, 2009, 02:59:56 PM
What's the best thing about twenty six year olds?This is from the 1st page
There's twenty of them!What's the best part of sex with twenty eight year olds?almost 3 years ago.
There's twenty of them
Apparently, the best part about twenty catamites is that they age backwards.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 10, 2009, 02:28:35 PM
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes
and started to wander around the area.
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and
the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over
to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me
explain.It's a rule here that if you get an
erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the
swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly
pulled him to her and happily let him have his
way with her.Later, the man continued to
explore the colony's facilities.
He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out
of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's
a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
for me.' The huge man easily spun him around,
put him over a bench and had his way with the
newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office
where he was greeted by a smiling, naked
receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the
key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a
few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all
our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a week, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 14, 2009, 08:01:18 PM
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What is it ?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 17, 2009, 10:48:29 PM
Qucikie
Eddie really wanted to have sex with this really cute, hot girl in his office, but
she already had a boyfriend. So one day Eddie got so frustrated that he went
over to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you."
The girl looked at him and said, "NO WAY!!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over &
I'll be finished by the time you've picked it all up."
She thought about it for a moment & said that she would consult her boyfriend,
so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200 and then pick up the money really fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and then accepted the proposal.
Over an half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends
call. Finally, after 45 minutes passes the boyfriend calls and ask, "What happened?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The fucker had all quarters!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on February 19, 2009, 05:56:24 PM
A horny husband helps his wife setup a password for their computer.
He typed: MYPENIS
The wife fell over on the floor laughing when the computer repsonded:
*ERROR: NOT LONG ENOUGH*
-------------------------------------
A guy ask a girl,
"Have you ever had Magic Sex?"
The girl says,
"No, how do you do that?"
The guy says,
"We ****, then you dissapear. Tadah!!"
-------------------------------------
An Asian girl and a guy are having sex.
The Asian girl farts during sex and tells the guy,
"Oooh! Yu make front hole so happy, bak hole blow you a kiss"
--------------------------------------
A man comes home from work & shouts, "Honey, pack your bags! I hit the LOTTERY!!"
She screams, "Oh My God!! What should I pack?"
He replies, "Everything bitch!! You gotta go!!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 12, 2009, 04:09:15 PM
You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe is besides you and you're being chased by a lion.
What do you do?
You get your drunk ass off the Merry Go Round.
-------------------------------------
A man comes home with a tattoo on his penis that says "I Love You".
His wife rolled her eyes & said "There you go again... trying to put words in my mouth..."
-------------------------------------
A blond was watching the news and heard that a Brazilian died in a train accident.
She cries and ask her friend "How many is a Brazilian?"
--------------------------------------
Wife sits down for hours straight staring at her marriage license.
Husband ask "What the hell are you doin?"
Wife says, "Lookin for the expiration date!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 13, 2009, 07:42:04 PM
Two Doctors are laying in bed after sex.
The guy Dr. says, "You must be OBGYN because you know how to work that thing!"
The girl Dr. says, "You must be an Anesthesiologist because I didn't feel ****!"
---------------------------------------
A Hooker goes to her Doctor and ask, "Why won't hair grow down near my coochie?"
The Doctor replies..., "Have you ever seen grass grow on a busy street?"
---------------------------------------
A man gets his dick sunburned, so his buddy tells him to stick it in a glass of milk.
His blond girlfriend walks in & says, "OMG! So that's how you reload it!"
---------------------------------------
How do we know that Santa is a man?
Because he shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sac, cums only once, calls you a Ho and then leaves while you're sleeping.
Post by: ThePerm on March 14, 2009, 06:02:06 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 20, 2009, 08:32:36 PM
(http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/BlackNMild2k1/sorethroatjoke-1.jpg)
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/BlackNMild2k1/sorethroatjoke-1.jpg
Post by: Djunknown on March 20, 2009, 11:25:23 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 23, 2009, 02:34:22 PM
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, ' I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too..'
Post by: BeautifulShy on March 23, 2009, 08:21:54 PM
A True Story - Flight Attendant of the Day AwardBrilliant.
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, ' I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too..'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 26, 2009, 07:13:36 PM
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Post by: EasyCure on March 27, 2009, 10:30:16 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 27, 2009, 02:43:08 PM
I'll replace it with something that's not really a joke, but someone may find it funny.
Women Who Know Their Place
A point of view.
Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan
several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms . Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to
maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy
with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is: (no matter what language you speak and where you go)
"BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 02, 2009, 09:27:12 PM
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support soon people are going to think we’re nuts!
--------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because when they "come", they're wild and wet. But when they "go", they take your house and car with them.
-------------------------
Why do Leprechauns laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts
-------------------------------------
A 1st grade teacher in Brooklyn ask little Tyrone what sound do pigs make.
Little Tyrone stood up & said "Up against the wall motherfucker!"
Post by: Mysticspike on April 07, 2009, 09:45:08 PM
The dad of a child always insisted on the boy praying every night. One night the boy said, "God bless mommy, bless daddy, bless grandma, and say goodbye to grandpa." The next day, the boy's grandpa died. So that night, the boy prayed, "God bless mommy, bless daddy, and say goodbye to grandma." The next day, the boy's grandma died. That night the boy prayed, "God bless mommy, and say goodbye to daddy."
The next day, all day long the dad was so worried. He was so paranoid all day. But luckily, he made it home from work allright. He went up to his wife and said, "Man I had such a rough day today." And the mom says, "You thought you had a bad day? My tenis coach died today."
Post by: BeautifulShy on April 07, 2009, 09:50:57 PM
Post by: Mysticspike on April 07, 2009, 10:03:08 PM
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
This is actually a condom commercial.
Post by: decoyman on April 08, 2009, 10:49:13 AM
Post by: Mysticspike on April 09, 2009, 06:03:38 PM
Always keep Trojans in your car (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKKiW0utYGY)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 22, 2009, 03:04:01 PM
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'Oh, no!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer..
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood lik! e that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied..
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: !
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need t o, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 27, 2009, 02:55:08 PM
In South Los Angeles, a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya,
lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too,died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire,
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA,
met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the
Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple
lived..?
The fire chief said, "They were at work."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 29, 2009, 06:51:47 PM
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business...
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ....
walked home
.. . .and left it there all night!!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on April 30, 2009, 01:47:19 PM
It was once said that the day there was was a Black President
was gonna be the the day the Pigs Fly.
Well guess what, 100 Days in and its all over the news!
Swine Flu. Pass it on
Post by: GoldenPhoenix on April 30, 2009, 01:48:06 PM
When Pigs Fly!
It was once said that the day there was was a Black President
was gonna be the the day the Pigs Fly.
Well guess what, 100 Days in and its all over the news!
Swine Flu. Pass it on
LOL.
Post by: EasyCure on April 30, 2009, 03:10:13 PM
When Pigs Fly!
It was once said that the day there was was a Black President
was gonna be the the day the Pigs Fly.
Well guess what, 100 Days in and its all over the news!
Swine Flu. Pass it on
LOL.
Post by: Smash_Brother on April 30, 2009, 03:50:37 PM
Post by: nickmitch on May 01, 2009, 02:46:45 AM
Hilarious, nonetheless.
Post by: Dasmos on May 01, 2009, 03:34:56 AM
(http://basil.kg13.com/fk1po8.jpg)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 01, 2009, 11:45:21 AM
That joke has been EVERYWHERE today. I swear, like 5 of my friends had it as their facebook statuses, and people are talking about it.Just remember where you heard it first. ;)
Hilarious, nonetheless.
I actually meant to post it on wed. but i didn't want to post two jokes on the same day. gotta spread 'em out a little.
*is it ok to post a joke heavily referencing being gay?*
Post by: EasyCure on May 01, 2009, 11:54:44 AM
That joke has been EVERYWHERE today. I swear, like 5 of my friends had it as their facebook statuses, and people are talking about it.Just remember where you heard it first. ;)
Hilarious, nonetheless.
I actually meant to post it on wed. but i didn't want to post two jokes on the same day. gotta spread 'em out a little.
*is it ok to post a joke heavily referencing being gay?*
is it "offensive" at all?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 01, 2009, 12:11:17 PM
are you offended if it is suggested that you are gay?
I personally think its harmless, but someone will always be over sensitive and take it the wrong way.
I'll just post a disclaimer to go along with it and then not worry about it anymore.
might post it over the weekend.
Post by: EasyCure on May 01, 2009, 01:51:45 PM
Depends, are you gay?
are you offended if it is suggested that you are gay?
I personally think its harmless, but someone will always be over sensitive and take it the wrong way.
I'll just post a disclaimer to go along with it and then not worry about it anymore.
might post it over the weekend.
No and if i was i probably wouldn't get offended unless it was something like "knock knock/whose there/got/got who/you're a f*ggot" or something lame. But you're right, some people are overly sensitive... even when they're not the ones that would normally be offended...
Anyway its your call, or run it by a mod or something.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 01, 2009, 01:56:06 PM
Besides its not that bad, I was just curious if any sensitive people would speak up.
Post by: EasyCure on May 01, 2009, 02:07:12 PM
They say its better to ask for forgiveness, than to ask for permission.
Besides its not that bad, I was just curious if any sensitive people would speak up.
Sensitive people only speak up when they want to cry foul.
or take the cowards way out and hit that "report to mods" button without ever trying to get a dialogue started and explain as to WHY they're offended
Post by: bustin98 on May 01, 2009, 02:10:06 PM
Post by: nickmitch on May 02, 2009, 12:24:34 PM
That joke has been EVERYWHERE today. I swear, like 5 of my friends had it as their facebook statuses, and people are talking about it.Just remember where you heard it first. ;)
Hilarious, nonetheless.
Facebook, right.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 02, 2009, 01:13:24 PM
REQUEST
I, Peter Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
THE RESPONSE
Dear Peter:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Post by: Djunknown on May 04, 2009, 12:37:54 AM
Quote
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
My client cannot afford to work 8 hours straight without suffering serious adverse health risks. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls)
Quote
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
My client tells me when he does ask for orders, management berates them for not able to figure it out himself.
Quote
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
No evidence has been presented to the court to prove this claim.
Quote
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
My client is not a robot. Speaking of robots, I would to like to present to the court photographic and video evidence that management has been researching in creating a robotic version of my client, violating contractual agreements between my client and management.
Quote
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
My client states that he leaves usually leaves a towel so that the janitor can clean up. yeah, I got nothing..
Quote
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
It is management's job to enforce safety regulations. If management dictates that my client has not followed safety regulations, than management can either A)provide protective clothing B) assign him another work area C)Be sent home.
Quote
You will retire well before you are 65.
There are medications that allow my client to work well after 65, management is also fully aware of this. That is more than I can say for management however.
Quote
You are unable to work double shifts.
My client claims that on certain occasions, he can work double shifts, but productivity during the second shift will be less than the first.
Quote
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
It has been documented that some tasks dictated by management cannot be completed in the allotted time, and there is no overtime policy. However, my client would like to discuss such policy..
Quote
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
These allegations are baseless and without merit. It is a well known fact that these 'suspicious' looking bags are in fact, a work-aid for my client, which is responsible for his success despite such dangerous conditions.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 04, 2009, 01:16:48 AM
but might i add
Quote
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.While that may sometimes be true[as previously stated] it is also a known fact that sometimes the assigned task gets completed multiple times within the allotted time frame.
Quote
You are unable to work double shifts.see above.
Quote
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.While my client admits that the workplace can sometimes get rather messy by the completion of his shift, but he would also like to point out that that is also a sign of a job well done. And when that job is done well, he is not solely to blame for said mess.
Post by: EasyCure on May 04, 2009, 10:18:31 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 05, 2009, 08:06:53 PM
A Legal Question
(http://i44.tinypic.com/33jr97d.jpg)
(http://i44.tinypic.com/jglaar.jpg)
(http://i39.tinypic.com/hrh89k.jpg)
Is this considered statutory rape?
or just another moosedemeaner?
Post by: EasyCure on May 06, 2009, 09:01:49 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 06, 2009, 02:59:54 PM
& I chuckled a little too.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 08, 2009, 03:05:51 PM
if you find yourself easily offended by the accusation of or the use of the word gay and/or any slang relating to that word, just skip this joke, it wasn't intended for you
Self Exam For Men... Am You Gay?
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except
when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a ***.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you
crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte’. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a fudge packer.
Post by: BranDonk Kong on May 08, 2009, 03:22:02 PM
Post by: EasyCure on May 08, 2009, 03:41:04 PM
#2 is funny, the rest...not so much.
I liked number 8 because i see alot of insecure guys hitting the FWD button if they did recieve this in an email. The rest were pretty lame.
Post by: bustin98 on May 08, 2009, 04:31:46 PM
Yup, he's gay.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 08, 2009, 04:36:11 PM
The person who orginally came up with this list...Funny thing is, that was what I first said. The original title of the list was "Self Exam For Men...Am I gay?"
Yup, he's gay.
So it sounds like he's listing off all of his own stuff in a self examining list.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 14, 2009, 08:15:39 PM
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
Post by: BeautifulShy on May 17, 2009, 04:25:50 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 30, 2009, 01:33:28 AM
A biker rolls into a saloon in the middle of nowhere.
The sign over the bar says:
$2.00 - Cold Beer
$2.50 - Hamburger
$3.00 - Cheese Burger
$50.00 - HandJob
The Biker sees the super hot Barmaid and says,
"Are you the one the gives the Hand Jobs?"
She says with a knowing smile,
"Why yes, yes I am."
He leans over and whispers in her ear,
"Then go wash your fuckin hands, cause I want a cheeseburger!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 10, 2009, 08:28:58 PM
*Joke Not Intended for Children Under 17*
Girl Talk
Two girls are sitting around chatting about whatever
it is that girls chat about, like hair, nail and boys.
That's when ne girl turned to the other girl and said,
"How many calories do you think there is in cum?"
The second girl replied, "Girl. I wouldn't even worry
about it, because if you are swallowing that much,
he won't care if you get chubby!"
Post by: EasyCure on June 11, 2009, 11:09:35 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 27, 2009, 01:25:56 AM
When Farrah Fawcett met God at the Pearly Gates, he asked her what one wish she would want granted.
She wished that all the children would be safe... a couple hours later Michael Jackson....
---------------------
Since Michael Jackson was 90% plastic, they decided that after the autopsy, they were going to melt him down
and turn him into LEGOS so that the little boys can finally play with him for a change.
---------------------
Michael Jackson's last words: "Take me to the Childrens Hospital"
---------------------
and now for a modified quote from:
The autopsy report came back.... did you know Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning?
Yeah, turns out he ate an 8 year old wiener.
---------------------
(http://i43.tinypic.com/2jcejwo.jpg)
Post by: BranDonk Kong on June 27, 2009, 10:01:59 AM
Post by: EasyCure on June 28, 2009, 06:09:42 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on June 29, 2009, 12:39:30 AM
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you ass!
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I' d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 01, 2009, 01:02:47 PM
A man is driving while his wife is going down on him, when his phone starts to vibrate. His wife
quickly grabs the phone to see who is calling, and recognized the phone number as the woman
that he cheated on her with in the past.
While still holding his member in her hand, they began arguing about his infidelity. As the argument
escalated, and he pleaded his innocence, she reached in her purse and pulled out a knife. Without
warning she cut off his penis and threw it out the window...
It hits the windshield of the car behind them, which was a man driving while talking with his 6yr old
daughter. Both being startled, the 6yr old girl quickly asks, "Daddy, what was that!?"
Not wanting to explain anything sexual to his 6yr old daughter, the man thoughtfully says,
"Don't worry, it was just a bug."
The daughter sat there for a minute and then said, "Wow, that bug sure did have a big dick!"
Post by: EasyCure on July 01, 2009, 01:46:23 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 05, 2009, 01:03:16 PM
10) "We'd better finish up. The game is about to start."
09) "My ex used to do it a LOT longer!"
08) "Did you know the ceiling needs painting?"
07) "Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober..."
06) "And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!"
05) Person 1: "This is your first time... right?" Person 2: "Yeah... today"
04) "Did I mention the video camera?"
03) "You mean you're NOT my blind date?"
02) "On second thought, let's turn off the lights."
01) "But everybody looks funny naked!"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 18, 2009, 02:12:33 AM
-=Why You Should Think Before You Speak (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=17084.msg257696#msg257696)=-
Have you ever said something outloud only to realize that what you jsut said proably didn't come out in the best way or you just wish you had never said anything at all?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did just that...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a Voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when
The door closed behind me, Were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, And he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, Yanked down his pants, Bent over, Spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
SIXTH TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
MY PERSONAL TESTIMONY:
One day while I was at work, I went to Quiznos and got a sandwich and a soup. After I finished the sandwich and soup, I decided to eat the cracker that came with the soup. So I sat back in my chair and enjoyed my crackers while I surfed the internet.
About a minute later my boss hands me some work to do which required me to make some copies of some documents. So I get up from my desk and proceed to walk over to the copier. When I'm about halfway there my boss points out that I have crumbs all over my shirt.
I look down and say "Thats why I f#ckin hate crackers!" as I start brushing all the crumbs off.
A silence falls over the office and another co-worker look at me akwardly. Thats when it dawned on me how some one who didn't know I was just eating crackers might take that statement the wrong way.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 18, 2009, 10:40:07 PM
-=Learn Something New Today!!! (http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=15838.msg231275#msg231275)=-
I'll give the first lesson, we'll start with a new language!
Learn Chinese in 3 minutes!...
(You MUST read them out loud)
1.) That's not right ...................................... Sum Ting Wong
2.) Are you harboring a fugitive?...................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.) See me ASAP......................................... Kum Hia Nao
4.) Stupid Man ........................................... Dum Fuk
5.) Small Horse .......................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6.) Did you go to the beach? .......................... Wai Yu So Tan
7.) I bumped into a coffee table ...................... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8.) I think you need a face lift ......................... Chin Tu Fat
9.) It's very dark in here ............................... Wai So Dim
10.) I thought you were on a diet .................... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ........................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........ Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ................................ Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ...................... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ...................... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ................................................. Fa Kin Su Pah
17) That was stupid..................................... So Fa Kin Wii Ta Did
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 19, 2009, 06:26:43 PM
-=The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=16831.msg252608#quickreply)=-
1.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 23, 2009, 06:58:29 AM
-=Did You Know...!? (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=16976.msg255332#quickreply)=-
Did you know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood! 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off !
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(no seriously, a 30 minute orgasm O.O!!! I think I would die from over stimulation and dehydration)
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 23, 2009, 07:01:25 PM
-=It's All Work Related!! (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=14706.msg208538#quickreply)=-
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the Time Management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 24, 2009, 12:10:33 PM
-=It's All Work Related!! (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=14706.msg208538#quickreply)=-
WORK APTITUDE TEST
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions which
will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a
professional.
Scroll down for each answer: The questions are NOT that
difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!
Question #1
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,
put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Question #2
2 . How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in
the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong
Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the
giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Question #3
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All
the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does
not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests
your memory.
Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
Question #4
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited
by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you
manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim
across. Have you not been listening? All the
crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%
of the professionals they tested got all questions
wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct
answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the
brains of a four year old.
Post by: EasyCure on July 24, 2009, 01:37:48 PM
Its funny cuz this seems like a lazy way to bump this thread, but it really isn't.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 24, 2009, 02:16:07 PM
WE WANT NEW JOKES!
Its funny cuz this seems like a lazy way to bump this thread, but it really isn't.
I am using it to bump the thread, but its also necessary for archiving purposes. Those other threads will sink to the depths of the Funhouse once again, but they will be easy to find again since the jokes posted in them easily referenced through The Joke Thread.
Post by: EasyCure on July 24, 2009, 02:21:20 PM
WE WANT NEW JOKES!
Its funny cuz this seems like a lazy way to bump this thread, but it really isn't.
I am using it to bump the thread, but its also necessary for archiving purposes. Those other threads will sink to the depths of the Funhouse once again, but they will be easy to find again since the jokes posted in them easily referenced through The Joke Thread.
Thats w hy i said it isn't an easy way to bump, you have to find all those threads and link them to this for the good of the funhouse. For this we salute you.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 25, 2009, 02:24:51 PM
-=It's All Work Related!! (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=14706.msg208538#quickreply)=-
Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 26, 2009, 05:32:31 PM
-=It's All Work Related!! (https://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=14706.msg208538#quickreply)=-
How To Poop At Work:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk really fast around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going to the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This
usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO
NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
This happens when you walk from the stall, to the
sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
a magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
This is the group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
The P.F.N . group can help you monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This
can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.
WATERMELON:
This is a poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is
often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED:
This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This individual spends extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as
the others in the building.
Post by: Stogi on July 27, 2009, 03:12:22 PM
An apple with two worms in it.
What's worse than an apple with two worms in it?
The holocaust.
Post by: EasyCure on July 27, 2009, 03:43:16 PM
"Yeah? I like to spread it open slowly... then stick my finger in and lick off that delicious cream.."
At first I thought they were filming some erotic scene for a movie or television show, but then I heard the guy say MMMmmmm.. Oreo's (http://www.instantrimshot.com)
Guess they're going for the same Doritos "Tacos at midnight" demographics :P
Post by: Stogi on July 27, 2009, 03:48:03 PM
The instant rimshot saved it though!
Post by: EasyCure on July 27, 2009, 04:20:22 PM
Ughhh....that almost made me gag.
The instant rimshot saved it though!
How about the post-edit punchline? i feel its worded better now.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 28, 2009, 03:41:14 PM
-=Best Blonde Joke Ever (http://)=-
I know what you're thinking.... Why not just post the joke here, why link to it?
well, I wouldn't want to offend anyone so I'll just provide the link, ok.
Best Blonde Joke Ever!!! (http://kevinsnet.livejournal.com/2649.html)
put your mouse here
Post by: EasyCure on July 29, 2009, 08:38:51 AM
I put my mouse there and saw nothing!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on July 29, 2009, 12:07:09 PM
I remember that joke it wasn't that funny ;)
I put my mouse there and saw nothing!
it says, "This joke used to be alot more elaborate, but alot of the links have died since 2006"
p.s.the funny part of the joke wasn't clicking the links, but watching the dumb blonde that did and couldn't find the joke. A blonde lady at my old work must have clicked about 20 times before all our laughter made her get the joke.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 11, 2009, 08:45:32 PM
-=Learn Something New Today!!!! (http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=15838.msg266105#msg266105)=-
Gotta teach these women the rules from our point of view.
The Guys' Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how y ou want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the has sle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1 . I am in shape . Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 22, 2009, 03:16:20 AM
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior..
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 24, 2009, 09:40:29 PM
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go
out on the town and party with his old buddies...
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back..
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but
at the bar...you know......they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie
roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey.. At the bar... You know.....there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking
beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking
snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't
fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
..........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!
Post by: nickmitch on August 24, 2009, 09:59:52 PM
Post by: bustin98 on August 24, 2009, 10:08:47 PM
I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.Indeed
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 24, 2009, 10:09:32 PM
I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.
That's not how marriage works.... after the honeymoon is over.
Post by: bustin98 on August 25, 2009, 12:02:18 AM
Post by: Stogi on August 25, 2009, 12:07:56 AM
I would've stayed and boned her after the first inclination.
Beers from 12 different countries....
Frozen beer mug......
5 different hors d'oeuvres.....
*froths at the mouth*
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 25, 2009, 12:10:37 AM
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O
I was joking, but really 4 kids.... wow.
Post by: D_Average on August 25, 2009, 12:39:02 AM
Post by: bustin98 on August 25, 2009, 01:03:14 AM
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O
I was joking, but really 4 kids.... wow.
Yes, I knew you were and hopefully you knew I knew so I can correctly say I knew that you knew that I knew... :D
"She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone."
Post by: BranDonk Kong on August 25, 2009, 09:56:35 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 25, 2009, 10:02:14 AM
This woman doesn't exist.
Shhhh. Keep hope alive. :fist:
Post by: Pale on August 25, 2009, 01:03:40 PM
I would have stayed if she had Westmalle Trappist Tripel in da fridge.Rochefort 10 for me. :)
Post by: EasyCure on August 26, 2009, 09:06:33 AM
What do you know? I'm the one who's having the fourth kid with the same woman... o_O
I was joking, but really 4 kids.... wow.
Yes, I knew you were and hopefully you knew I knew so I can correctly say I knew that you knew that I knew... :D
"She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone."
Was your fourth born yet? I remember you announcing you were expecting the fourth, but thats it. Either way, Congratulations! again!
Post by: bustin98 on August 26, 2009, 01:09:56 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 26, 2009, 01:12:35 PM
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't
An audio track might be entertaining, depending on how crude your wife gets under labor pains.
Post by: EasyCure on August 26, 2009, 02:55:15 PM
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't
An audio track might be entertaining, depending on how crude your wife gets under labor pains.
Especially if you add some innapropriate comments yourself:
Bustins Wife: HOLY MOTHER OF **** THIS HURTS! I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING! again
Bustin98: Oh yeah! thats the money shot right here honey!
Bustins Wife: **** YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU DID THIS TO ME! again
Bustin98: Oh shoooot, left the lens cap on. Hey doc think you can push it back in and let me retry that?
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 26, 2009, 02:58:57 PM
March 8th. I'll have a camera setup behind the doc so I share all the gory details. no I won't
An audio track might be entertaining, depending on how crude your wife gets under labor pains.
Especially if you add some innapropriate comments yourself:
Bustins Wife: HOLY MOTHER OF **** THIS HURTS! I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING! again
Bustin98: Oh yeah! thats the money shot right here honey!
Bustins Wife: **** YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU DID THIS TO ME! again
Bustin98: Oh shoooot, left the lens cap on. Hey doc think you can push it back in and let me retry that?
LOL. Do it Bustin!!!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 03, 2009, 01:21:31 AM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to " Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT "
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed ."
Post by: vudu on September 03, 2009, 02:07:17 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 03, 2009, 02:30:53 PM
I know it's the new funhouse name, but this joke is political.
There is no armchair moderation in my Funhouse.
user has been warned.
p.s. read my sig. all most visible post are Pale approved :thumbsup;
Post by: BranDonk Kong on September 03, 2009, 02:37:10 PM
Post by: EasyCure on September 03, 2009, 03:04:08 PM
Say hai to Mario, BNM.
Do banned members all vanish to some island or something?
Post by: Khushrenada on September 03, 2009, 03:51:33 PM
I wish I had photoshop skills.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 03, 2009, 06:02:22 PM
I know it's the new funhouse name, but this joke is political.
Say hai to Mario, BNM.
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicchairbutt2.png) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/902/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Post by: BranDonk Kong on September 03, 2009, 10:16:35 PM
Post by: Stogi on September 03, 2009, 10:45:57 PM
The Prisoner: Mario edition.
I wish I had photoshop skills.
No need.
(http://rydia.net/shaz/stuff/journal/mario_jail.jpg)
Post by: Smash_Brother on September 06, 2009, 01:07:56 AM
(http://rydia.net/shaz/stuff/journal/mario_jail.jpg)
What the hell are they doing to Luigi off frame??
And all he said was the government has a tendency for screwing people. Now, if he said a specific political party had a tendency to screw people...
Post by: nickmitch on September 06, 2009, 02:31:10 AM
(http://rydia.net/shaz/stuff/journal/mario_jail.jpg)
What the hell are they doing to Luigi off frame??
I was wondering who was next.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 06, 2009, 09:26:22 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 09, 2009, 09:15:03 PM
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' . With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your son, Jonathan
P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Post by: EasyCure on September 10, 2009, 08:26:18 AM
Post by: Stogi on September 10, 2009, 11:30:07 AM
Post by: nickmitch on September 10, 2009, 11:37:09 PM
Damn that's a messed up letter. I'd get my ass beat for doing something like that.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on September 17, 2009, 06:13:41 PM
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused...
"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding..."
Post by: Stogi on September 17, 2009, 06:17:37 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 08, 2009, 01:25:17 AM
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build
up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to others - they are more screwed up
than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think that you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how
hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to money to take it's place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something
is broken or not working in your house, one
of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never
seem to go away.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on November 16, 2009, 06:04:48 PM
Race to the end.... of the alphabet
As a plane is losing power and altitude, the pilot comes over the intercom
and says, "Sorry it has to come to this folks, but we've already dumped
all the luggage and the plan continues to lose speed. I hate to do this,
but now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers in 'Alphabetical Order'
beginning with the letter "A" of course..... So are there Africans? Any Africans?"
No one answers....
"OK, now the letter 'B'..... Black People, are there any Black People?"
The request are met with silence....
"C.... Colored People, are there any colored people?
Once again met with silence....
A little black child turns to his mother and ask,
"Mom, aren't we African American, Black and Colored People?"
His mother turns to him and says, "Honey, today we are Niggas, let them mexicans go first!"
So the little black child turns to the little mexican child sitting next to him and laughs.
The little mexican child laughs back at the little black child and says,
"I'm a Wetback, so you better get ready to jump my nigga"
I already know what your gonna say; What about the caucasian people? if black people are gonna go by Niggas to get lower on the list and Mexican are gonna go by Wetback, what do you think White People are gonna go by?
Post by: EasyCure on November 16, 2009, 06:33:41 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 24, 2009, 02:04:30 PM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/35ak8zk.gif)
Post by: EasyCure on December 26, 2009, 01:14:22 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on December 27, 2009, 10:53:05 PM
What's the only thing that's Irish on your back porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Here's another Irish classic...
Did you know the names of those two gay Irish men?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Post by: ThePerm on December 29, 2009, 05:40:56 PM
setup
Did you here about the kidnapping?
punchline
and then the kid woke up
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 04, 2010, 02:22:11 PM
Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener
when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches,
He asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'
He replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he
pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge
Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my Tackle box,' says Ole
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops
the Genie
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere!
I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant
me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for A million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a
million ducks... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole,
'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie
is hart of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Post by: BranDonk Kong on January 06, 2010, 11:09:37 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 06, 2010, 03:36:17 PM
Post by: EasyCure on January 11, 2010, 06:10:42 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on January 27, 2010, 04:20:57 PM
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good God are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, '.. And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
Post by: Halbred on February 12, 2010, 07:20:49 PM
ONWARD!
1) What do you call an ursine suicide bomber? A bearrorist! (apologies to James Jones]
2) What did the frog do when the little boy came towards it? It Rana-way.
3) Two mosquitos meet at a high school reunion. One says to the other, "Bob! Long time no-see-um!"
4) What emotion do people experience after licking a toad? Buforia!
5) What do you call a penniless, 17th-century French painter? Baroque.
Post by: that Baby guy on February 12, 2010, 09:12:26 PM
Post by: vudu on February 13, 2010, 09:43:45 AM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 17, 2010, 07:55:43 PM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
'Go get your mother.'
Post by: Halbred on March 17, 2010, 08:06:40 PM
I heard that joke in a different way. It's in a bar and there's a 12-inch man playing the piano. The guy tells him about the genie, the other guy gets a million ducks, and the guy says, "Do you think I really asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Also the way I heard it.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 08, 2010, 09:33:43 PM
Mike was going to be married to Laura, so his father sat him down for a little
chat.
He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and told her to try them on. She did and said 'they're too big, I can't wear them.' I told her 'exactly.. I wear the pants in the family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Mike thought it was a good thing to try. On his honeymoon Mike took off his pants and told Laura to try them on.
She did and said "these are too large, they don't fit me".
Mike told her "exactly I wear the pants in the family don't forget it"
So Laura took off her panties and said "here try mine".
Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties"
Laura said "Exactly! and if you don't change your smart ass attitude you never will!"
Post by: Halbred on May 09, 2010, 03:52:50 AM
ARCEUS IS DEAD!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 18, 2010, 02:09:57 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the secon hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on August 16, 2010, 12:21:36 AM
Getting Out Early
It was the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS, CAN I GO NOW?"
Post by: Halbred on August 16, 2010, 02:27:47 PM
Post by: EasyCure on September 15, 2010, 12:49:15 AM
A Jew and Czechoslovakian go camping. While they are camping a bear comes along. The bear decides to eat the Czechoslovakian guy and the Jew freaks out, gets in his car, and leaves. While driving away he gets pulled over.
Officer: "Where you going in such a hurry?"
Jew: "My friend just got eaten by a bear at our campsite and I was trying to GTFO."
The two return to the campsite and now there are two bears, a male and female. The officer asks the Jew which bear his friend is in; the Jew assures the officer that it was the male. He is 100% sure it was the male that ate his friend.
The officer shoots the male, cuts him open, but finds nobody inside.
What's the moral of the story?
Never believe a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male.
Post by: EasyCure on September 15, 2010, 01:29:45 AM
Note: The following jokes are best enjoyed with a healthy dosage of http://www.instantrimshot.com (http://www.instantrimshot.com/)
Whats brown, and rhymes with "snoop"?
Dr. Dre
What did 50 cent say when his grandma knit him a sweater?
Gee, you knit?
Why does Snoop carry around an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle
and lastly, one fitting for a Nintendo gaming forum:
What is Super Mario's favorite type of pants?
Denim Denim Denim (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDPLZzJKFuo)*
*Made the last one clicky for those that don't get it right away..
Post by: vudu on September 15, 2010, 02:04:39 PM
Whats brown, and rhymes with "snoop"?
Dr. Drew
I don't get it.
Post by: Halbred on September 15, 2010, 02:49:01 PM
(he raps -- "ryhmes" -- with Snoops)
The Jew joke is hilarious.
Post by: vudu on September 15, 2010, 02:52:29 PM
I think it was supposed to be "Dr. Dre," which would make more sense.
Yeah ... that makes a lot more sense. :)
Post by: EasyCure on September 16, 2010, 01:13:01 AM
I think it was supposed to be "Dr. Dre," which would make more sense.
Yeah ... that makes a lot more sense. :)
dammit, I can't believe I didn't notice that error. My fault.
Post by: BranDonk Kong on September 17, 2010, 02:51:33 PM
Post by: EasyCure on September 17, 2010, 03:04:35 PM
A man is walking down a beach one day and sees a young girl in a wheelchair crying. The man approaches the girl and asks her why she is crying. The young girl replies "it's my 17th birthday and I don't think I will every be kissed because I am in a wheelchair." Well, the man takes pity on the girl and bends over and gives her a great big, passionate kiss on the lips and then walks away.
One year latter the same man is walking along the beach and sees the same young girl in her wheelchair crying. Again the man approaches the young girl and asks her what is wrong this time. The girl replies "It's my 18th birthday today and I am worried I will never get fucked because I am in a wheelchair." Well, once again the man takes pity on the young girl bends over, picks her up, throws her into the ocean and says "now your fucked".
More Quickies!
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's this really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...
What'd the leper say to the hooker?
You can keep the tip
Post by: Halbred on September 17, 2010, 03:24:54 PM
Post by: vudu on September 17, 2010, 03:30:53 PM
I laughed out loud...in my office...at the vegetable joke. Curse you!!
Indeed. Reminds me of a baby joke that I'm sure I already told once in this thread.
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
Post by: EasyCure on September 18, 2010, 11:05:49 AM
I laughed out loud...in my office...at the vegetable joke. Curse you!!
All is forgiven in the Funhouse even when its horribly named
Post by: apdude on September 22, 2010, 02:00:35 AM
It may take me a few minutes to get hard because I just got laid by that chick over there.
Post by: Mop it up on September 22, 2010, 10:40:35 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on September 22, 2010, 10:58:37 PM
Then the second muffins exclaims, "holy **** - a talking muffin!"
Post by: TheBlackCat on October 06, 2010, 10:58:24 PM
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2 liter jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/°F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2 liter reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460°K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until limited thermal oxidation of the disaccharides has occurred. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25°C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Post by: Halbred on October 07, 2010, 01:56:51 PM
Post by: UltimatePartyBear on October 07, 2010, 02:26:33 PM
Post by: MegaByte on October 07, 2010, 04:05:14 PM
Also, check out these real US military specs for oatmeal cookies and chocolate brownies: http://liw.iki.fi/liw/misc/MIL-C-44072C.pdf
Post by: TheBlackCat on October 10, 2010, 08:51:43 PM
Unpacking Instructions
A SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana with THIS article in the packaging. No kidding!!! ACTUAL UNPACKING INSTRUCTIONS
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE CONTROLS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE CONTROLS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS LOST WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing, in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you catch our drift. WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
*Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING".*A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: YOU IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE.
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong Is Bigger Than The Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist Of Six Small Religious Figurines Made Of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, out of direct sunlight, and water it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurance! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon, shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
I have a lot more where this came from, want me to post them all at once are one-at-a-time?
Post by: ShyGuy on March 23, 2011, 12:33:28 PM
Post by: NWR_insanolord on March 23, 2011, 12:35:54 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 09, 2011, 01:50:10 PM
*This joke doesn't work if the person your telling it to doesn't participate*
Bitch, Don't Correct Me!
So there's this pimp in town and he only has 3 hoes. They're all sitting down discussing the usual things a pimp discusses with his hoes. He tells his first hoe that all he wants when she's done is a $120 cut, tells his second hoe that he wants a $150 cut and tells his third hoe, the most beautiful of all three of them, that he wants a $200 cut. They all agree and hit the streets for the night.
The next day the pimp gathers his 3 hoes up and starts asking them for his cut of the money.
He says to the first hoe "ok where's my $140?", she responds "But you told me i owed you $120!" He then SMACKS her and yells "Bitch, don't correct me!"
He goes to his second hoe "where's my $200?!", she gets all defensive "What are you talking about?! you said $150!" He SMACKS her and yells "Bitch, don't correct me!"
He goes up to his third hoe "ok where's the $250" - she looks at him and says "I thought I owed $200!" He SMACKS her and yells "Bitch, don't correct me!"
He goes up to his fourth hoe "don't give me problems, where's my $300?!"
(This is when your audience should interrupt you to point out that you said he only had three hoes... so you SMACK them and yell "bitch, don't correct me!" - if they don't interrupt, just keep the joke going until they eventually interrupt you.
He went to his 5th hoe, 6th hoe... etc etc)
*It might help if you clue them in to pay attention and/or find whats wrong so that they know to interrupt you.*
Post by: Stogi on May 09, 2011, 02:46:38 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 09, 2011, 03:22:20 PM
p.s. When I posted this I was gonna put in a special note that I knew you would probably want to use this joke asap.
You seem like the type that could pull it off without missing a beat or making an enemy.
Post by: Stogi on May 10, 2011, 04:41:40 PM
Post by: EasyCure on May 11, 2011, 08:38:55 PM
*This is a joke that need to be retold and involves audience response and physical interaction*
*This joke doesn't work if the person your telling it to doesn't participate*
Bitch, Don't Correct Me!
So there's this pimp in town and he only has 3 hoes. They're all sitting down discussing the usual things a pimp discusses with his hoes. He tells his first hoe that all he wants when she's done is a $120 cut, tells his second hoe that he wants a $150 cut and tells his third hoe, the most beautiful of all three of them, that he wants a $200 cut. They all agree and hit the streets for the night.
The next day the pimp gathers his 3 hoes up and starts asking them for his cut of the money.
He says to the first hoe "ok where's my $140?", she responds "But you told me i owed you $120!" He then SMACKS her and yells "Bitch, don't correct me!"
He goes to his second hoe "where's my $200?!", she gets all defensive "What are you talking about?! you said $150!" He SMACKS her and yells "Bitch, don't correct me!"
He goes up to his third hoe "ok where's the $250" - she looks at him and says "I thought I owed $200!" He SMACKS her and yells "Bitch, don't correct me!"
He goes up to his fourth hoe "don't give me problems, where's my $300?!"
(This is when your audience should interrupt you to point out that you said he only had three hoes... so you SMACK them and yell "bitch, don't correct me!" - if they don't interrupt, just keep the joke going until they eventually interrupt you.
He went to his 5th hoe, 6th hoe... etc etc)
*It might help if you clue them in to pay attention and/or find whats wrong so that they know to interrupt you.*
I almost got into a fight my first semester of college when I told this joke.
Post by: Stogi on May 11, 2011, 08:57:00 PM
Post by: EasyCure on May 11, 2011, 09:49:47 PM
The two other guys had my back and calmed him down, then we ripped on him till he left. He was pretty heated though, I was ready to try to dodge a blow if I had to.
Post by: Stogi on October 27, 2011, 01:31:53 AM
DEAD COP JOKES
What's the difference between a Dead Cop and a joint? I didn't burn a joint today.
How do you get a Dead Cop to drive a car? You push it over a cliff.
How do you get a Dead Cop to stand up straight? You tie a cinder block to their legs and throw them into a lake.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a parachute? The plane was about to crash when the parachute went out the door.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a broom? A broom can clean up the streets.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a deer? I tried to avoid the deer.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a deer? I didn't throw it in reverse to make sure the deer was dead.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a trumpet? Not all girls know how to blow a trumpet.
What is the difference between a dead cop and Lindsay Lohan? I wouldn't stick my dick into Lindsay Lohan anymore.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a pool cue? The pool cue didn't try to confiscate the 8-ball.
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2011, 05:06:20 PM
This is a new genre of jokes I invented. It is suppose to be offensive, so please don't take it personally. Enjoy!
DEAD COP JOKES
What's the difference between a Dead Cop and a joint? I had to roll the joint before I smoked it.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a parachute? I didn't have to chop the parachute into several pieces to get it to fit in my backpack.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a deer? One I killed for sport, the other one for fun.
What is the difference between a dead cop and a trumpet? The trumpet didn't try to trick you into blowing it by calling it a breathalyzer.
Post by: Stogi on October 27, 2011, 07:29:57 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on October 27, 2011, 10:05:12 PM
There's twenty of them!
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 27, 2011, 10:32:08 PM
What's the best part of sex with twenty eight year olds?
There's twenty of them
teehee
Post by: NWR_insanolord on October 27, 2011, 10:41:09 PM
Post by: Stogi on October 28, 2011, 04:27:44 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on October 28, 2011, 09:43:57 PM
Post by: nickmitch on October 29, 2011, 07:24:38 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 29, 2011, 07:43:32 PM
I just haven't written them yet.
Post by: Khushrenada on November 01, 2011, 01:13:20 AM
Post by: Stogi on November 04, 2011, 02:17:33 AM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on November 04, 2011, 10:54:47 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on July 30, 2012, 12:14:39 PM
I was supposed to go to the local meeting for PEA (Premature Ejaculators Anonymous), but when I showed up no one was there. I guess I came too early.
Post by: Crimm on July 31, 2012, 12:30:55 AM
Post by: Fatty The Hutt on July 31, 2012, 11:00:58 AM
"Kiss me doctor."
"No, I can't kiss you. I'm a doctor. That would be completely unprofessional."
"Come on doctor, just one kiss, please."
"I can't do that, you're my patient."
"Come on, kiss me. I want you to kiss me."
"No, you know I can't kiss you. I shouldn't even be fucking you."
Post by: BranDonk Kong on July 31, 2012, 03:13:50 PM
Post by: ThePerm on August 23, 2012, 04:46:58 PM
"A Robot, a Ninja, A Dinosaur, and a Pirate walk into a bar. It was awesome."
Post by: BranDonk Kong on March 11, 2013, 03:27:23 PM
...but anal will make your hole weak.
Post by: pokepal148 on March 11, 2013, 05:05:31 PM
Oral will make your day...oral... you mean the toothpaste brand :D
Post by: Stogi on March 11, 2013, 08:45:03 PM
*On the phone after the conversation is done*
Person 1 :: What has a small dick and hangs down?
Person 2 :: I don't know. What?
1 :: A bat
2 :: Okay
1 :: Now what has a big dick and hangs up?
2 :: I don't know. What?
1 :: *CLICK*
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on March 12, 2013, 11:50:02 PM
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’
Post by: Caliban on March 13, 2013, 12:29:20 AM
Post by: Khushrenada on March 14, 2013, 06:48:59 PM
The Lone Ranger finds a table and starts slugging down the beers. He spots the cute barmaid across the room and starts up a conversation with her. 10 minutes pass.....30 minutes pass....Finally after an hour the town sheriff walks into the saloon and goes up to the Lone Ranger and asks him, "Howdy Pardner, Them your horses out there?" Bleary eyed, the Lone Ranger looks up and say, "Darn Tootin'". "Well," the sheriff replies, "You left your Injun running."
Post by: BranDonk Kong on March 14, 2013, 08:41:10 PM
Post by: Fatty The Hutt on March 15, 2013, 12:38:38 PM
+1, Khush
Post by: Khushrenada on April 16, 2013, 11:29:26 AM
I'll leave it for you to judge if it's funny or not. If you think it completely uncalled for, I guess use the report it to the moderator button since that's what it is there for or just chew me out in this thread. So, without further adieu, here it is.
Hey everybody! Don't know about you but I've always liked to run the Boston Marathon even though I'm not very good at it. So yesterday, I'm running it again and it is really gruelling and exhausting. Fortunately, for this time, I've been training everyday for a year and eating right and doing all those little things to stay in shape. And so, as I'm running, I can definitely see that hard work is paying off and I'm staying right in the thick of the race. Normally, I'd have dropped out of it miles ago but this time, I'm keeping up and outpacing some of the other racers around me. Then I see the finish line and so I call on every last ounce of energy in my body to help me move a little bit faster to the goal. Despite the strain it took on my body, it was all worth it because, in the end, I was able to blast by the other racers and placed 37th, 38th and 54th! A new personal best!
Post by: Stogi on April 16, 2013, 11:58:57 AM
Should have said something like "Those 'I survived the Boston marathon' shirts now have a whole new meaning".
Or something about how everyone would have been fine if they were Kenyan.
Post by: BranDonk Kong on April 16, 2013, 12:26:58 PM
Post by: Fatty The Hutt on April 16, 2013, 01:23:25 PM
And I appreciate the effort to bring the healing power of humour into an otherwise gruesome situation.
Post by: Oblivion on April 16, 2013, 02:05:01 PM
Post by: BranDonk Kong on September 17, 2014, 09:48:44 PM
He has no idea how jokes work.
Post by: Stogi on October 01, 2014, 01:01:00 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on October 01, 2014, 05:28:18 PM
Post by: Stogi on December 04, 2014, 01:55:13 PM
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 04, 2014, 02:36:15 PM
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on December 07, 2014, 12:14:57 AM
"Well, my wife is in the first hearse" says the man with the dog.
"I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Who, then, is in the second?"
"My mother-in-law," says the man with the dog.
"Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry," says the man "but I have to ask, how did they both pass away at the same time?"
"Well, my dog attacked my wife and killed her. My mother-in-law was trying to help her and the dog killed her too" says the man with the dog.
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. Finally, the curious man asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Sure...get in line."
Post by: Khushrenada on January 28, 2018, 10:59:41 PM
Don't ask me. I just fly the drone.
Post by: ThePerm on June 10, 2018, 01:32:12 AM
