Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

2 Fishermen and a Genie

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener
when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches,
He asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'
He replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he
pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge
Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'     
'Vell,' replied Ole,  'I got it from my Genie.'     
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.     
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my Tackle box,' says Ole     
'Could I see him?'     
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops
the Genie   
 
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere!
I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant
me vun vish?'   
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.   
So Sven asks the Genie for  A million bucks.   

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a
million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole,
'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie
is hart of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[BranDonk Kong]

I heard that joke in a different way. It's in a bar and there's a 12-inch man playing the piano. The guy tells him about the genie, the other guy gets a million ducks, and the guy says, "Do you think I really asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[BlackNMild2k1]

It's just as funny that way too.

[EasyCure]

Accents make everything funnier, brandogg loses.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good God are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, '.. And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

[Halbred]

I've got a boatload of puns, only a few of which I'll share here. If you have any groaners or knee-slappers, list 'em with impunity!
 
ONWARD!
 
1) What do you call an ursine suicide bomber? A bearrorist! (apologies to James Jones]
 
2) What did the frog do when the little boy came towards it? It Rana-way.
 
3) Two mosquitos meet at a high school reunion. One says to the other, "Bob! Long time no-see-um!"
 
4) What emotion do people experience after licking a toad? Buforia!
 
5) What do you call a penniless, 17th-century French painter? Baroque.

[that Baby guy]

Are you allowed to edit the staff's posts, vudu?  Being a little over-reaching there, are you?  I won't have this in Khushrenada's Kingdom Funhouse!

[vudu]

All I did was fix the broken spoiler tag in the third pun.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Amish and The Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
     
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
     
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
     
'Go get your mother.'

[Halbred]

I heard that joke in a different way. It's in a bar and there's a 12-inch man playing the piano. The guy tells him about the genie, the other guy gets a million ducks, and the guy says, "Do you think I really asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Also the way I heard it.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Who Wears The Pants!?

Mike was going to be married to Laura, so his father sat him down for a little
chat.

He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and told her to try them on. She did and said 'they're too big, I can't wear them.' I told her 'exactly.. I wear the pants in the family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Mike thought it was a good thing to try. On his honeymoon Mike took off his pants and told Laura to try them on.

She did and said "these are too large, they don't fit me".

Mike told her "exactly I wear the pants in the family don't forget it"

So Laura took off her panties and said "here try mine".

Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties"

Laura said "Exactly! and if you don't change your smart ass attitude you never will!"

[Halbred]

Funny. I came up with a zinger for Pokeholics like myself to call out to the sky during moments of intense frustration, like when Heat Wave misses THREE TIMES IN A GODDAMN ROW and, because of that, Lucario effs your **** up.

ARCEUS IS DEAD!

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the secon hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[BlackNMild2k1]

Getting Out Early

It was the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS, CAN I GO NOW?"

[Halbred]

NICE.

[EasyCure]

Czech Please

A Jew and Czechoslovakian go camping. While they are camping a bear comes along. The bear decides to eat the Czechoslovakian guy and the Jew freaks out, gets in his car, and leaves. While driving away he gets pulled over.

Officer: "Where you going in such a hurry?"
Jew: "My friend just got eaten by a bear at our campsite and I was trying to GTFO."

The two return to the campsite and now there are two bears, a male and female. The officer asks the Jew which bear his friend is in; the Jew assures the officer that it was the male. He is 100% sure it was the male that ate his friend.
The officer shoots the male, cuts him open, but finds nobody inside.

What's the moral of the story?
Never believe a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male.

[EasyCure]

Quickies!

Note: The following jokes are best enjoyed with a healthy dosage of http://www.instantrimshot.com

Whats brown, and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr. Dre

What did 50 cent say when his grandma knit him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

Why does Snoop carry around an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle

and lastly, one fitting for a Nintendo gaming forum:

What is Super Mario's favorite type of pants?

Denim Denim Denim*

*_{Made the last one clicky for those that don't get it right away..}

[vudu]

Whats brown, and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr. Drew

I don't get it.

[Halbred]

I think it was supposed to be "Dr. Dre," which would make more sense.

(he raps -- "ryhmes" -- with Snoops)

The Jew joke is hilarious.

[vudu]

I think it was supposed to be "Dr. Dre," which would make more sense.

Yeah ... that makes a lot more sense. 

[EasyCure]

I think it was supposed to be "Dr. Dre," which would make more sense.

Yeah ... that makes a lot more sense. 

dammit, I can't believe I didn't notice that error. My fault.

[BranDonk Kong]

You left out one part of that joke that makes it a lot more offensive.

[EasyCure]

Birthday Wishes

A man is walking down a beach one day and sees a young girl in a wheelchair crying. The man approaches the girl and asks her why she is crying. The young girl replies "it's my 17th birthday and I don't think I will every be kissed because I am in a wheelchair." Well, the man takes pity on the girl and bends over and gives her a great big, passionate kiss on the lips and then walks away.

One year latter the same man is walking along the beach and sees the same young girl in her wheelchair crying. Again the man approaches the young girl and asks her what is wrong this time. The girl replies "It's my 18th birthday today and I am worried I will never get fucked because I am in a wheelchair." Well, once again the man takes pity on the young girl bends over, picks her up, throws her into the ocean and says "now your fucked".


More Quickies!

Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?

The wheelchair

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's this really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...


What'd the leper say to the hooker?

You can keep the tip

[Halbred]

I laughed out loud...in my office...at the vegetable joke. Curse you!!

[vudu]

I laughed out loud...in my office...at the vegetable joke. Curse you!!

Indeed.  Reminds me of a baby joke that I'm sure I already told once in this thread.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.