Author Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread (Read 231566 times)

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #550 on:** September 03, 2009, 01:21:31 AM »

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to " Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the " GOVERNMENT "
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed ."

vudu · « **Reply #551 on:** September 03, 2009, 02:07:17 PM »

I know it's the new funhouse name, but this joke is political.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #552 on:** September 03, 2009, 02:30:53 PM »

Quote from: vudu on September 03, 2009, 02:07:17 PM

I know it's the new funhouse name, but this joke is political.

There is no armchair moderation in my Funhouse.

user has been warned.

p.s. read my sig. all most visible post are Pale approved

BranDonk Kong · « **Reply #553 on:** September 03, 2009, 02:37:10 PM »

Say hai to Mario, BNM.

EasyCure · « **Reply #554 on:** September 03, 2009, 03:04:08 PM »

Quote from: Brandogg on September 03, 2009, 02:37:10 PM

Say hai to Mario, BNM.

Do banned members all vanish to some island or something?

Khushrenada · « **Reply #555 on:** September 03, 2009, 03:51:33 PM »

The Prisoner: Mario edition.

I wish I had photoshop skills.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #556 on:** September 03, 2009, 06:02:22 PM »

Quote from: vudu on September 03, 2009, 02:07:17 PM

I know it's the new funhouse name, but this joke is political.

Quote from: Brandogg on September 03, 2009, 02:37:10 PM

Say hai to Mario, BNM.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

BranDonk Kong · « **Reply #557 on:** September 03, 2009, 10:16:35 PM »

Banned members all go to joystiq.

Stogi · « **Reply #558 on:** September 03, 2009, 10:45:57 PM »

Quote from: Khushrenada on September 03, 2009, 03:51:33 PM

The Prisoner: Mario edition.

I wish I had photoshop skills.

No need.

Smash_Brother · « **Reply #559 on:** September 06, 2009, 01:07:56 AM »

Quote from: Kashogi Y. Stogi on September 03, 2009, 10:45:57 PM

What the hell are they doing to Luigi off frame??

And all he said was the government has a tendency for screwing people. Now, if he said a specific political party had a tendency to screw people...

nickmitch · « **Reply #560 on:** September 06, 2009, 02:31:10 AM »

Quote from: Smash_Brother on September 06, 2009, 01:07:56 AM

Quote from: Kashogi Y. Stogi on September 03, 2009, 10:45:57 PM

What the hell are they doing to Luigi off frame??

I was wondering who was next.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #561 on:** September 06, 2009, 09:26:22 PM »

Get these damn cuffs off me, I'm a free man now!!!

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #562 on:** September 09, 2009, 09:15:03 PM »

Dear Momma

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' . With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your son, Jonathan

P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

EasyCure · « **Reply #563 on:** September 10, 2009, 08:26:18 AM »

^wish i thought of doing that when I was younger

Stogi · « **Reply #564 on:** September 10, 2009, 11:30:07 AM »

Damn that's a messed up letter. I'd get my ass beat for doing something like that.

nickmitch · « **Reply #565 on:** September 10, 2009, 11:37:09 PM »

Quote from: Kashogi Y. Stogi on September 10, 2009, 11:30:07 AM

Damn that's a messed up letter. I'd get my ass beat for doing something like that.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #566 on:** September 17, 2009, 06:13:41 PM »

How To Be A Gracious Bitch

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused...

"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding..."

Stogi · « **Reply #567 on:** September 17, 2009, 06:17:37 PM »

I like the way she thinks.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #568 on:** October 08, 2009, 01:25:17 AM »

Things I've Learned....

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build
up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to others - they are more screwed up
than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think that you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how
hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to money to take it's place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something
is broken or not working in your house, one
of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never
seem to go away.

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #569 on:** November 16, 2009, 06:04:48 PM »

*WARNING* this joke may contain some language that may make some people uncomfortable. It has been spoilered to protect those that wish not to see it. if you hover your mouse over the spoiler mark a censored version of the word will pop up. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIGHLIGHT THE SPOILERS*WARNING*

Race to the end.... of the alphabet

As a plane is losing power and altitude, the pilot comes over the intercom
and says, "Sorry it has to come to this folks, but we've already dumped
all the luggage and the plan continues to lose speed. I hate to do this,
but now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers in 'Alphabetical Order'
beginning with the letter "A" of course..... So are there Africans? Any Africans?"

No one answers....

"OK, now the letter 'B'..... Black People, are there any Black People?"

The request are met with silence....

"C.... Colored People, are there any colored people?

Once again met with silence....

A little black child turns to his mother and ask,
"Mom, aren't we African American, Black and Colored People?"

His mother turns to him and says, "Honey, today we are Niggas, let them mexicans go first!"

So the little black child turns to the little mexican child sitting next to him and laughs.

The little mexican child laughs back at the little black child and says,
"I'm a Wetback, so you better get ready to jump my nigga"

I already know what your gonna say; What about the caucasian people? if black people are gonna go by Niggas to get lower on the list and Mexican are gonna go by Wetback, what do you think White People are gonna go by?

EasyCure · « **Reply #570 on:** November 16, 2009, 06:33:41 PM »

You know, I go that forwarded to my phone a few weeks ago and meant to post it here but didn't. There was also another one i got about a lil black boy being given wings and thinking he was an angel...

BlackNMild2k1 · « **Reply #571 on:** December 24, 2009, 02:04:30 PM »

The Irish Math Test

EasyCure · « **Reply #572 on:** December 26, 2009, 01:14:22 PM »

Made me smirk

BranDonk Kong · « **Reply #573 on:** December 27, 2009, 10:53:05 PM »

Not bad. My brother told me this one...

What's the only thing that's Irish on your back porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.

Here's another Irish classic...

Did you know the names of those two gay Irish men?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

ThePerm · « **Reply #574 on:** December 29, 2009, 05:40:56 PM »

Majora's Mask Joke

setup
Did you here about the kidnapping?
punchline
and then the kid woke up

News:

Author Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread (Read 231566 times)