Author Topic: In this thread is proof that you are all trollin' like a bunch of children  (Read 7386 times)

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Offline Oblivion

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« Last Edit: April 07, 2011, 01:09:30 PM by Oblivion »

Offline Oblivion

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2011, 12:07:07 PM »
-
« Last Edit: April 07, 2011, 01:08:27 PM by Oblivion »

Offline MaryJane

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2011, 12:38:53 PM »
Despite being well written, it is extremely difficult to read. The story has me interested, but the short sentences, jarring segues, and intentional obtuseness make it too tedious.

Imho if you connect the sentences, and also connect the paragraphs, it would probably be much better. Like I said, it's well written, and I'm intrigued by the story, but I'll be honest, I only made halfway down the second post, then quit, started writing this, then read the rest. It gets better overall after “I wonder what makes the walls glow?” The Doctor’s voice could not fill the great chasm." and while it's still a little tedious with the short sentences, the story's pace, and subject almost make up for it. 

Finally, isn't this self-promotion which is against the rules? Not that I mind...
Silly monkeys; give them thumbs they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an a eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Offline Oblivion

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2011, 01:31:23 PM »
I actually talked to Megabyte (I think that's the admin I talked to) and he's the one who moved it here. I'm pretty sure it's allowed.

And while I purposely put in the short sentences as the style of the work, I'll take your critique into consideration.

Offline ShyGuy

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2011, 09:42:36 PM »
I've done some writing myself, and I think this shows promise. One of the problems I run into sometimes is clarifying the situation. Readers need something tangible to grab onto. I will write something that makes sense in my head because I can picture the scene and the character, but the reader may not be grasping it all.

(By the way, I'm having another short story published, I will try to find and revive my old thread when the book goes up on Amazon.)

Offline MaryJane

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2011, 05:50:42 AM »
This is a short story I wrote the year after I graduated high school, for a friend who was still in high school. He was a junior, but he paid me in something green that wasn't money, so I didn't mind since I was already on winter break from college. The assignment was to create a story where someone came into Clifton High School for the first time and saw the thousands of people trying to navigate the packed the halls (it is quite a scene to see...). The story is pretentious, juvenile, is mostly about the things I like, uses names of students real students that I knew, and I knew this teacher knew, and leans heavily on Harry Potter. I read the assignment paper wrong and didn't see that the teacher also stipulated that the students were supposed to look like animals to this new person, so it was two days late and the teacher still gave it an A, saying it would have gotten an A++ if handed in on time. I can't find that second version but it's basically the same thing just I mention that they're animals. I only ever wrote one short story after this one, but I like it less than I like this one, but I'll post it, feel free to critique and comment. It's four pages single spaced...



Edit: Mike is the friend I was writing the story for, that's why I say he's attractive; he's supposed to be writing it.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2011, 05:52:33 AM by MaryJane »
Silly monkeys; give them thumbs they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an a eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Offline MaryJane

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2011, 05:51:10 AM »
   Mariah was getting tired of waiting for her mom to finish the potion. Mrs. Whitto daily made an intelligence potion for all of her children to take, but today Mariah had other plans and was growing impatient with her mother's brewing. Mariah wanted to explore the cave that she and Hitomi Kanaki had found yesterday. The cave was three feet wide and five and a half feet tall, just big enough for the two girls who weren't quite fifteen years old yet to walk down single file. When they first found the cave, it was quickly growing dark outside and fear made them cancel their adventure, curiosity however, convinced them to reschedule.
   Finally the potion was ready; Mariah drank it down faster than the rest of her siblings and bolted out the door like a tiger after its prey, managing to just grab her bag on the way out. The contents of her bag were the most important part of this journey, for she knew Hitomi wouldn't be as resourceful as her. Her bag contained many items one would need when exploring an unknown cave in Shwag Forest; the lantern she stole from old man Van, a knife her brother would never realize was missing, a change of clothes, and her wand, which she wasn't supposed to take out of the house. She also brought along some food and other items not necessary for exploration, but she liked to be prepared. She was going to turn fifteen soon, and having five older siblings, she was always being taken care of and this was her first adventure so she made sure she was ready for anything.
   For Mariah, growing up in the little town of Dank Trees meant that life wasn't much of an adventure, and only she and her friend Hitomi seemed to want any. Everyone else was happy living a peaceful life where excitement was found in the normal duties of life. Today Mariah and Hitomi were going on the adventure of a lifetime: There was a cave in Shwag Forest that only they knew about, and though neither of them knew the danger that lurked there, that's what spurred them on. They didn't say it to each other, but they were both hoping the cave was empty and didn't lead anywhere. At most they wanted it to be a place where they could hang out and practice spells. Mariah was five minutes early to KB's Candy, the arranged meeting place before the trip that would change Mariah's life. Mariah bought 3 goobtuks, 5 triklebuns, and 7 regfurds. The regfurds were for Mariah and Hitomi, and the goobtuks were in case any wolfos were in the cave, and the triklebuns to ward off any waglbles. Triklebuns, although very snail shaped can scare off an entire clan of the five legged, 3 eyed, waglbles. It was a pleasure of young children to try and get one stuck in the sheep like fur of the waglbles until the accident with Allen Sheczar losing a hand to a ferociously enraged waglble. Wolfos, enjoyed goobtuks, but just as they did to children they made their teeth stick together for at least 5 minutes, long enough to escape Mariah reasoned.
   Ten minutes later Hitomi showed up 5 minutes late wearing exactly the same outfit as Mariah; a red skirt with the right side hanging 6 inches lower than the left, a plain green shirt with the initials C.H.E.E.B on the front, and a black cape with a five leaf flower on the back also with the acronym for Central Higher Education Entry Building, in the middle of the flower. The only difference in their attire was the bag Mariah was holding, and Hitomi's empty-handedness.
"You're late, and empty handed" Mariah told her not surprisingly lackadaisical friend. "I got caught trying to sneak my wand out of the house my mom almost didn't let me out" Mariah could only shake her head and say "Well let's get going then" to her only friend.
   They made their way through Shwag Forest on the path they had created to the cave, with a simple digging spell Mariah picked up from her eldest sister. On the way to the cave they passed many birds, including the one eyed black belly hartu, whose overcoat was beginning to turn a bright shade of blue to welcome the coming summer. Mariah took notice of the birds as a good sign; there wouldn't be this many birds around if there were any wolfos. One of those hairless, pig snouted, cow-like animals would be enough to scare away all birds, since they can leap to the tops of trees.
They made it to the front of the cave, and both stopped dead in their tracks, in the daytime the cave looked even more foreboding than at night. For at night they thought they couldn't see inside the cave because of the darkness, now even though the cave faced east and it was 10:2G r.t in the morning they still couldn't see into it. They decided to play wand, wolfos, mirror to see who would go first. Mariah lost, throwing out wolfos both times to a girl she knew favored wand. She gave Hitomi her bag, and only after taking her wand out, went in with Hitomi one step behind her.
"IllumiConcentra" cried Mariah, and a bright light hung just in front of her face. Though bright, the light didn't do much in the cave and allowed Mariah to see just inches in front of her, Hitomi could only see the light and a silhouette of Mariah. Mariah didn't take two steps before she felt herself falling, right as she saw the ground coming swiftly up to hit her in the face, she found herself standing again.
   Unknown to Mariah it was a normal day in the halls of the south wing of Clifton High School. Hundreds of students filed by the double paned window Mariah was looking through. Yet they were all so absorbed in themselves none of them took notice of the attractive and strangely dressed girl standing in the office.
Although they were almost all dressed differently (most boys were wearing blue jeans, and a t-shirt while most girls wearing a skirt Mariah so short Mariah would never imagine being able to wear and an unusually obscure or revealing shirt) Mariah thought they all looked alike. Not only looked alike, but it also seemed like they all walked alike, or had the same air, or manner about them, that she would be able to know they came from this strange place no matter where she saw them. They rather reminded her of sheep all being led by some unknown shepherd and none of them cared that they were being led. As Mariah still stood at the window astonished by what she was looking at, she noticed few exceptions to her sheep observation. One such exception was a young man whose hair was spiked higher than any prikleruis rodent Mariah had ever seen, and although he was also wearing a t-shirt, he had on black pants and an air about him that separated him from the rest of the sheep, or so Mariah thought. As she eyed up the attractive young man she noticed his shirt said TOOL across the front and had the familiar Lateralus eyes on the back. This astonished Mariah, because she knew who Tool was, and loved their music. What she didn't understand was how they somehow how managed to transcend to this world. She knew they were great, but didn't know that they also infiltrated this strange world and brought their music to these sheep looking people. She also knew what a talented mage the lead singer Maynard James Keenan was but she never imagined he was talented enough to travel to different worlds. She wanted to go and talk to "Mike" as she had heard an attractive brunette call him, but she was finally talked to by the secretary.
   "Where's your I.D?" the mid-50's looking lady asked her.
"I don't know where this place is or why I need an I.D." (As far as Mariah knew an I.D. was a pet some people kept that rather resembled a cross between a cat and an eagle).   
"Where are you from?" was the secretary's next question,
"Dank Trees" Mariah answered, "I don't know how I got here but I would like to back if that's o.k.” Mariah didn't know what to expect next, but the secretary asked her name and she gave it, and then Mariah was issued what the secretary called a "temporary I.D". Mariah being a quick learner figured an I.D was what they simply called a pichogi in Dank Trees. What she didn't know, was that the latter half of her conversation with the secretary was a code that the Clifton Police and the school had come up with to say the person (in this case the unknowing Mariah) was an undercover cop coming in to infiltrate some illegal activity within the school.
Mariah was also issued a book bag, a map of the school, computer codes, a set of four master keys, that could open all doors in the school and all the lockers, a schedule, and a locker which she was told would provide her with all the books she needed for the classes on her schedule. Mariah didn't understand this but thought it better not to ask the secretary any more questions, she looked at the map and her schedule, and realized she didn't know what period it was, so that was the final thing she asked the secretary and was off.
   As Mariah walked through what seemed more and more like an endless sea of sheep, she wondered what had become of Hitomi and her bag. She still had her wand, but thought it better not to use magic in front of people who didn't seem to have a clue about themselves let alone magic.
She finally made her way through the sea of people and to her first class she was disappointed to see that Mike wasn't in the class and even more disappointed when she realized they were learning things she had learned two years ago. Mariah sat inattentive to the tall black haired man in front of the room that seemed to know little more than the people he was trying to teach. She was trying to remember a return spell her second sister had taught her in the hopes it would return her at least to Shwag Forest. Mariah's next class did not go so well; it was gym, and not only were the clothes provided for her too small none of the girls took a liking to Mariah. She couldn't understand why they were all making comments about her, but what the usually oblivious Mariah didn't notice is that she and her tight fitting clothes were drawing the attention, of every young man in the gym, and even the male teacher were finding it hard to remind themselves she was a student.
Mariah thought she had made it through well enough and was heading to her next class when she suddenly felt a shove in the back. A young girl named Calla, an overly jealous, good looking Asian girl had pushed her and was now standing face to face with Mariah after she recovered. A crowd gathered around expecting a fight but Mariah wanted nothing to do with it and walked through the people somehow managing not to burst into tears from all the obscenities being called behind her.
"If only I had taken out my wand," Mariah thought "I could have turned her into a slithering little runtyo and made her pay for embarrassing me.
   In her next class Mariah was ecstatic to the point that she would’ve forgotten all about Calla if she had not also been in the class. The source of Mariah's happiness was Mike, who was not only sitting next to her, but also talking to her. Most people had left Mariah alone, because of the way she dressed, and she wasn't like them at all; didn't have that aura about her that they all had.
Mike sat next Mariah and they immediately began talking about Tool. Calla, again upset to see the most attractive boy in the class only paying attention to Mariah, decided to launch more attacks at her new nemesis, namely a few notebooks, and a pen. Mariah was now furious; the red in her face was deeper than a Macintosh apple. She reached into her bag to grab her wand and just as she felt it at the bottom, she heard Mike say: "Why don't you leave her alone c***". The class was in an uproar, never had Calla been so embarrassed in all her life; she was now the furious one. She sat down quietly, and then quietly made a deal with one of the larger boys in class, Albert who always sat next to her, to attack Mike in class, in exchange for certain favors Calla would perform later.
   Albert agreed to Calla's terms as he didn't think Mike would be much of a fight and more importantly, the reward was worth it. He walked right up to Mike and picked a fight by pushing him off of his chair. They began to fight; Mike had leaped on Albert and was now attempting to strangle him with one hand, while punching him in his too soft belly with the other. Albert was at first startled by Mike's quickness and couldn't react, but now he had recovered, and was forcefully removing Mike's hand from his throat. Before he knew it Mike was thrown hard into a wall, so hard that he blacked out for 2 seconds, when he came to the first thing he heard was "Release him".
Mariah had had enough; she was now standing poised with her wand ready, pointing at Albert. Albert paused for one second laughed and punched Mike in the face with a blow that would’ve knocked him to the ground had Albert not been holding him up. Albert made ready to strike again but before his blow fell, he found himself hanging from a light fixture that could not support his weight and was soon back on the ground with a sharp pain in his ankle.
One look around the room and Mariah could see she was in trouble; not only was everyone astonished, but friends of both Albert and Calla were surrounding her, and she wasn't skilled enough to take them all on. Suddenly, and almost violently the words of the return spell came to her she raised her wand, and in some premonition before she uttered the spell, Mike called out "Take me with you". Without thinking Mariah grabbed Mike's hand and yelled "PreviosInhabiti".
   When she came to, Mariah was back in the cave with Hitomi standing over her.
"Are you o.k., are you o.k.?” Mariah couldn't understand why her friend was asking such a silly question.
"How long was I gone" Mariah asked.
"Gone? You didn't go anywhere, you fell, and you’ve been lying here not answering for about 15 seconds. I was just about to go get a doctor."
Mariah's heart sank to the pit of her stomach, it had been a dream, Mike had not come with her, and she was still going to only have one friend.
Slowly she rose to her feet and the two of them left the cave, and started making their way along the path, suddenly, they heard a great deal of rustling behind them. Mariah quickly threw her head up, peering into the trees, and she now noticed too late she that all the birds were gone. Her whole body shaking with pain and fear she turned around to meet her enemy, she took some goobtuks and triklebuns out her pocket and readied her wand. To her surprise neither a wolfos, nor a waglble came from behind the bushes, instead came seven of the most beautiful words she ever heard:
"You weren't going to wait for me?”
It was Mike, she had been too hasty to dismiss it as a dream. Hitomi was frightened by his presence and ran all the way home, and that was fine with Mariah. On the way back to her house she explained as much she could to Mike, and to her surprise, and happiness, he took almost all of it in, and they lived as happily as they could together.
Silly monkeys; give them thumbs they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an a eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Offline Oblivion

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2011, 10:03:25 AM »
What the ****? This my thread. This isn't some thread for you to put YOUR writing in. This is a thread for me to show off my short story that I wrote. Please delete it or I'll have a mod do it for you.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2011, 10:11:47 AM by Oblivion »

Offline Morari

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2011, 10:47:31 AM »
What the ****? This my thread. This isn't some thread for you to put YOUR writing in. This is a thread for me to show off my short story that I wrote. Please delete it or I'll have a mod do it for you.

And the claws come out!
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Offline MaryJane

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2011, 12:32:12 PM »
Seriously? I don't think my story takes away from yours I just didn't think it deserves its own thread, if a mod feels this is objectionable, delete it.
Silly monkeys; give them thumbs they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an a eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Offline Morari

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2011, 12:59:35 PM »
One hot evening in Padua they carried him up onto the roof and he could look out over the top of the town. There were chimney swifts in the sky. After a while it got dark and the searchlights came out. The others went down and took the bottles with them. He and Luz could hear them below on the balcony. Luz sat on the bed. She was cool and fresh in the hot night.

Luz stayed on night duty for three months. They were glad to let her. When they operated on him she prepared him for the operating table; and they had a joke about friend or enema. He went under the anaesthetic holding tight on to himself so he would not blab about anything during the silly, talky time. After he got on crutches he used to take the temperatures so Luz would not have to get up from the bed. There were only a few patients, and they all knew about it. They all liked Luz. As he walked back along the halls he thought of Luz in his bed.

Before he went back to the front they went into the Duomo and prayed. It was dim and quiet, and there were other people praying. They wanted to get married, but there was not enough time for the banns, and neither of them had birth certificates. They felt as though they were married, but they wanted everyone to know about it, and to make it so they could not lose it.

Luz wrote him many letters that he never got until after the armistice. Fifteen came in a bunch to the front and he sorted them by the dates and read them all straight through. They were all about the hospital, and how much she loved him and how it was impossible to get along without him and how terrible it was missing him at night.

After the armistice they agreed he should go home to get a job so they might be married. Luz would not come home until he had a good job and could come to New York to meet her. It was understood he would not drink, and he did not want to see his friends or anyone in the States. Only to get a job and be married. On the train from Padua to Milan they quarreled about her not being willing to come home at once. When they had to say good-bye, in the station at Milan, they kissed good-bye, but were not finished with the quarrel. He felt sick about saying good-bye like that.

He went to America on a boat from Genoa. Luz went back to Pordonone to open a hospital. It was lonely and rainy there, and there was a battalion of arditi quartered in the town. Living in the muddy, rainy town in the winter, the major of the battalion made love to Luz, and she had never known Italians before, and finally wrote to the States that theirs had only been a boy and girl affair. She was sorry, and she knew he would probably not be able to understand, but might some day forgive her, and be grateful to her, and she expected, absolutely unexpectedly, to be married in the spring. She loved him as always, but she realized now it was only a boy and girl love. She hoped he would have a great career, and believed in him absolutely. She knew it was for the best.

The major did not marry her in the spring, or any other time. Luz never got an answer to the letter to Chicago about it. A short time after he contracted gonorrhea from a sales girl in a loop department store while riding in a taxicab through Lincoln Park.
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Offline BlackNMild2k1

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ITT: EVERYONE SUBMITS A SHORT STORY!!!!!
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2011, 01:00:06 PM »
What the ****? This my thread. This isn't some thread for you to put YOUR writing in. This is a thread for me to show off my short story that I wrote. Please delete it or I'll have a mod do it for you.

LMFAO!!! ;D

Offline Oblivion

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Re: A Mine In The Deep (Short Story - PG-13: Some Violence)
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2011, 01:08:03 PM »
**** this. You guys are asses. Since you won't take this seriously, I'll take my story somewhere else where adults won't act like children. Feel free to take over my thread.

Offline BlackNMild2k1

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But now I'll never be able to finish the story....




Offline Oblivion

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I seriously doubt you care.

Offline ShyGuy

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Hey, I offered constructive criticism and encouragement.

Offline Stogi

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LOL at first I thought you were just playing around. But now I think...

You need to get that sand out of your vagina.

Does it itch?
black fairy tales are better at sports

Offline MaryJane

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Hey Unagi, how comes your name appears an orange link?
Silly monkeys; give them thumbs they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an a eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Offline Oblivion

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LOL at first I thought you were just playing around. But now I think...

You need to get that sand out of your vagina.

Does it itch?

It actually itches quite a bit, but that's from your face being buried in my sexy man-pussy all night.

Offline A Straight Up Trippin' Balls Forum User

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There once was a man from Nantucket. He had a long straw so he could sit far from his drink but still suck it. It was one of those bendy straws. Don't you love them? I can't believe they would make straws any other way, considering any extra costs in bendy plastic production would be minimal. Drinking from a cup at a 90 degree angle is a huge convenience. He moved after the war; I never heard from him again.

Offline Stogi

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LOL at first I thought you were just playing around. But now I think...

You need to get that sand out of your vagina.

Does it itch?

It actually itches quite a bit, but that's from your face being buried in my sexy man-pussy all night.

Was that before or after I defecated on your writings? Can't remember.
black fairy tales are better at sports

Offline oohhboy

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Dude if you haven't figured out where you went wrong, I guess I have to tell you. This forum isn't your personal emo/blog/jack off space. Feel free to share, but SHARE.

Having said that, I approve the continued shared trolling.
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Offline Oblivion

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Dude if you haven't figured out where you went wrong, I guess I have to tell you. This forum isn't your personal emo/blog/jack off space. Feel free to share, but SHARE.

Having said that, I approve the continued shared trolling.

Did I do any of those things at first? I wanted to simply have people comment on my writing. If MaryJane wanted to post her own stuff, then make a new thread. Simple as that. It isn't hard. Now I have a bunch of adults trolling a child for trying have some semblence of order in the thread he made. But since you all can't get off your high horses for picking on a new member, then I say "**** you all". I came to NWR looking for a good community of fellow Nintendo fans, but all I found are a bunch of immature fucktards who need to learn a lesson in people skills.

Offline Stogi

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This just gets better and better.
black fairy tales are better at sports

Offline Toruresu

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Dude if you haven't figured out where you went wrong, I guess I have to tell you. This forum isn't your personal emo/blog/jack off space. Feel free to share, but SHARE.

Having said that, I approve the continued shared trolling.

Did I do any of those things at first? I wanted to simply have people comment on my writing. If MaryJane wanted to post her own stuff, then make a new thread. Simple as that. It isn't hard. Now I have a bunch of adults trolling a child for trying have some semblence of order in the thread he made. But since you all can't get off your high horses for picking on a new member, then I say "**** you all". I came to NWR looking for a good community of fellow Nintendo fans, but all I found are a bunch of immature fucktards who need to learn a lesson in people skills.

Oh come on kid, call this your initiation! You seem to be passing ;)
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