Topic: I Can't Stop

[Halbred]

I've been farting nonestop since I woke up. It's really wierd. And they're BAD ones, too. If a dog walked in here, it would immediately die. Our receptionist came in to give me a file. I think she was afraid.

[NWR_insanolord]

I nominate this thread for ShyGuy's contest.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Are you lactose intolerant?

did you eat lots of hardboiled eggs?

some slightly spoiled meat?

we need a description of the scent if we are to diagnose the problem here.

[nickmitch]

Brussel sprouts?

[Halbred]

Not lactose intolerant. Didn't eat any hardboiled eggs or spoiled meat.

These are not explosive farts. They just slip out, but then they hang. And collect, and build upon each-other. I don't think my office will ever be able to sell my chair, or even give it away. They don't smell like anything in particular, just rancid.

I blame the teriyaki chicken and sticky rice I ate yesterday for lunch, although it seems like I should've been tootin' away long before this morning if that were the case. The only other thing that could've caused it is the mac & cheese I ate for dinner, but I eat mac & cheese all the time with no ill effects.

[ShyGuy]

Perhaps rancid meat that has impacted itself along the side of your bowels for years is finally being let loose.

[Peachylala]

Your farts will only become awesome if they allow you to fly through the air.

Then you would become a real life Kid Muscle, sans the ugly face.

[EasyCure]

you and my brother should NEVER meet.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Here is what you need so that this does not go to waste.

1 Jar w/ lid

that's it.

Now next few times you have to fart, try to capture it in the jar, unfiltered through clothing if possible. seal it up. put it on the shelf for about 1 week.

After the week goes by, take the jar off the shelf and ask a friend to open it for you and smell inside.

Report back if the stink stays in the jar. This in now Mythbusters.

[Halbred]

DUDE I TOTALLY SHOULD

[ThePerm]

drink some milk and they'll be worse immediately and then go away

[Halbred]

It's happening again. Not as frequent, but just as bad (if not worse). I blame the jambalaya I had for dinner last night, but it's a tenuous cause.

[Caliban]

Keep a candle/lighter, and a camcorder on standby... flames of the netherworld.

[ThePerm]

http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/forums/index.php?topic=27881.msg503034#msg503034

[Stogi]

just light matches when they happen

[Halbred]

Haven't tooted a peep today, although last night was filled with deadly emittions. You know the kind? You build up a good amount of farts under the blankets, then billow the covers and they all come flying out, like cursed souls out of Hades? The room is suddenly overcome with horrible methane. Hubble monitors your bedroom with startling clarity as it notes what must be a sudden release of subterranian microbial life exhalations.

[vudu]

Your wife must be a saint.  That, or had her nose bit off by a moose.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Or she sleeps on the couch.... or at a friends house.

[Halbred]

She often threatens to kick me out of bed and into the guest bedroom.

Oh, uh-oh. The farts started again. This is a new aroma, worse than before. You have been warned.

[BlackNMild2k1]

If everyone votes for Traffic Cones, I will have Halbred bottle a fart and send it vudu express overnite so the the stench is still fresh.

[Halbred]

Damn. I haven't been farting a lot today, but when I have farted, man. It's been BAD. Like, don't come over to my cube if you like oxygen.

[Halbred]

NEW DEVELOPMENT

After a hearty meal of chedder-and-jalapeno brauts, BBQ chicken breasts, and (a little later) mac 'n' cheese, my large intestine filled with noxious gas and proceeded to deprive our bedroom of oxygen last night. It got so bad that my wife actually left and went into the guest bedroom. The cat followed her. The dog followed her. When we all woke up, she claimed that the entire house smelled like ass, and that this is the worst it's ever been.

Windows were opened. Doors were shut.

Here at the office, I have continued to provide an ideal environment for anaerobic bacteria. It really isn't stopping. Every few minutes, the terrible fumes refresh themselves, much to the chagrine of my co-workers. Two of them have left, probably for a meeting, but possibly because they can't inhale.

[Toruresu]

Roflmao!

[Plugabugz]

You need to work and live outside.

[Kytim89]

Zach, you are not alone when it comes to uncontrolled flatulence. A few nights ago I injested some of my home maide chili and let's just say that my situation is comparable to your dilema. Honestly, I am watching on the news for a giant, noxious cloud of methane to emerge over the skies of Alaska and get into the trade winds. Let's pray that a similar cloud does not hover over Kentucky and the two meet thanks to the trade winds and create an even larger, more deadlier fart cloud.
 
Here are some sites for helping to deal with farting:
 
 http://chetday.com/digestiongas.htm
 
http://www.ehow.com/how_4785860_stop-farting.html
 

 
Is this Zach?

Zach could put on roller skates and have a cheap form of transportation.