Topic: Dealing With Death

[EasyCure]

I got a text message from my girlfriend just now, telling me that an estranged friend had called or text her to tell us that another estranged friend just lost his brother.
Her text was vague, stating that the brother had been killed on Christmas Eve, but thats all she was told so I don't know if they mean he was murdered or killed in an accident or what. So basically the text was asking me to call this friend I haven't spoken with in over a year now to try and cheer him up because he's pretty depressed over the thought, and has appearantly been locking himself in his room the past few days.

The point of this thread is.. well I've never had to deal with a death of a friend or family member, so I don't know how he's feeling. I can only imagine how hard it must be losing someone close to you, but imagining and going thru it are two competely different things. I wan't to call him up but I don't have anything to say other than "sorry" and since it's been so long since he and I have talked, I just feel it'll come off as insincere.

Any advice? I'm usually good with words until it comes to things like this. As I said before I've never had to deal with this sort of thing personally, so I don't know what comforts people. Usually when I try to comfort someone I like to joke around, and I'm sure it's no surprise to the regulars here that I'm a big joker and rarely serious, but this isn't the right situation for that.

[vudu]

My advice would be to call the guy up, express your condolences and let him know that you're available to talk if he wants to.  Not knowing your relationship with the guy (or why you haven't spoken for a year) I can't really say much more than that.  If you're still friends you can offer to hang out and try to take his mind off the current situation.  If you're not so much, I'd just leave it at "I'm here if you need me".

[Pale]

You could send flowers with your phone number too, if you think you calling has the potential to be really awkward.

Just a nice card saying, if you need to talk to a friend, call me.... something like that.

[DAaaMan64]

If it were possible, take him out somewhere.

[NWR_Lindy]

Honestly, I'd start off with an email if possible.  Just express your condolences and let the person know that you're there if you need them, you're there.  If they need you they'll reach out.  My dad died a couple of years back, and the last thing I would have wanted was people calling me offering their condolences.  The way I looked at it, it was already on my mind on a constant basis, I didn't need every person I knew reminding me of it.

[EasyCure]

Honestly, I'd start off with an email if possible.  Just express your condolences and let the person know that you're there if you need them, you're there.  If they need you they'll reach out.  My dad died a couple of years back, and the last thing I would have wanted was people calling me offering their condolences.  The way I looked at it, it was already on my mind on a constant basis, I didn't need every person I knew reminding me of it.

That was my first thought, but since I don't have his email and I don't use myspace to message him there, I thought maybe a text would suffice with a simple "You know I'm here if you need me, I'll drop whatever I'm doing to help" but I feel that might be rude.

As for the backstory, its nothing crazy there. The friend (Carlos) that told my girlfriend to tell me what happened is a bit of a selfish prick that everyone in our group of friends was sick of. He told us all he "needed a break" so he could figure himself out, which normally I'd be cool with if it was anyone else, but I knew he was doing this because the attention wasn't all on him anymore and he hates that. He'd done this pretty often too, just vanish until people would myspace message/email/call/text him asking where he's been and why he hasn't hung out, then get a big group together so everyone can say how much they missed him. Total attention whore.

Anyway he did this again for like the 3rd time in a year, and I expressed how sick of it I was to my girlfriend and other good friend and they were on my side. We weren't gonna cave in and feed his ego anymore. Hell I even made a bet that he'd come back to his myspace page at the very least a week before his birthday just so he could get all his lil 14 year old myspace girl friends to flood his inbox.. and i was almost right, he came back into the spot light 2 weeks before his birthday.. We didn't call him or anything like we said we wouldn't (no one did except this one girl thats on his nuts) so his birthday goes by and even though he text my girlfriend or messages her on myspace, my friend Jay and I never heard from him again. That is until word got back to us that he thinks we're pricks for not wishing him a happy birthday or anything. Flash forward to now and I still haven't talked to the guy. You might think its stubborn of me but in all honesty I was sick of the guy. He's my age (22) and acts like he's 16 with no plans on growing up, and I was sick of letting him hold me back, but thats a story for a different day.

The only person that stayed in touch with him at the time was a mutual friend of ours, Jeremy, who we'd both known since 2nd or 3rd grade and its his brother that was killed. I never planned on not talking to HIM for such a long time, but it just happened that way becuase the other guy (Carlos) is the type to make people choose sides. Neither him or I had seen Jeremy since high school and one day he walks into the job I had at the time, I got his number and told him to hang out with me and Carlos for old times sake. He did and Carlos "claimed" him, saying things like "oh guess who i found on myspace!" meanwhile I was the one who gave Jeremy his email just so he could surprise him with a message... I'm digressing.

To cut to the chase: When Carlos showed me how self centered he really is, Jeremy was kinda stuck in the middle and was convinced to take sides. I've tried to get him to hang out plenty of times back then, but when he said he'd come out he'd flake, so it wasn't very long before I just didn't bother, I'm too old to deal with teeny-highschool drama like that anymore.

I wouldn't be opposed to taking him out somewhere to take his mind off things, since I never had a problem with him, I just know it'll be a little awkward because of the way things went down over a year ago.

[vudu]

If the person was ever your friend you don't e-mail or text message him.  That's a bullshit chicken's way of doing things.  If you're uncomfortable with calling him I'd say it's best just to stay out of it unless he comes to you.

[NWR_Lindy]

I don't consider email to be impersonal at all, or a chicken's way of doing things.  It's maintaining a respectful distance, IMHO.  Especially from someone you don't really know very well...I mean, if it was your best friend or family, obviously call them, but if this guy was best friend/family you wouldn't even be asking this question.

[Stogi]

I've had three really good friends all lose their father (suicide, heart attack, cancer) and there really isn't more you can do than keep being their friend, give your condolences and be supportive. If they'd like to talk, you talk. If they'd like to go out, you go out. If they want some alone time, you give them space.

In your case, I would call him. Even if you aren't that close, it'll mean a lot to him.

[NWR_Lindy]

Yeah Stogi, I can't argue with that.

[EasyCure]

still undecided on what to do, since both means of communication are good and bad choices, no matter what vudu says

I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes and I would hate to be getting phone calls right if I was going thru this. Maybe he's not the same type of person though, maybe he needs the comfort right now. I don't know since we haven't talked in so long.

All i know is the last thing i wanna do is come off insincere. I've never had to do this and the way i deal with depressing **** like this doesn't work with everyone; I'm not calling him and making jokes. The thing is thats what would cheer me up! There's nothing I can say to this guy to take all his pain and sadness away, but I could take his mind off it for a few and make him laugh. Maybe he'll think i'm being a disrespectful dick though and that bridge is burned for good, who knows. On top of it all I STILL don't know the full details here, and nows hardly the time to ask him about it.

[EasyCure]

Just found out the story. The brother, Phillip (19) and sitting in a barbershop when 2 gunmen in ski-masks and hoodys barged in and open fired on him. This happened the afternoon of Dec 24th, literally right down the street from where I live, and only a few blocks from his home..

wow.

[Stogi]

You should call and find out if they have already had the service or not.

[NWR_Lindy]

Wow, that's either totally random or totally shady.

You should probably call.  If he doesn't want to talk, you'll go through to voicemail anyways.  There's usually no need to overthink this stuff because it never turns out as badly as you think it will.  If you call, you can't come off as a jerk because hey, you took the time to call.  Honestly, not everybody does that.

[Nick DiMola]

About a month ago, one of my best friends' sister died in a car accident. Another mutual friend emailed me and a number of his other friends about the situation, and the only action I could think of was call immediately.

It's a hard situation to deal with, especially with trying to truly express your condolences over the phone. I opted to send flowers to the service as I couldn't make it all the way back to NY on 1 day notice to go to the service.

Since then I've talked to him twice, once on AIM, the other on the phone. Both times it was pretty hard to keep conversation because you don't really know what to say to the person. I've been talking it over with my mom a lot and asked her how I should deal with it, as she lost her brother at 23 (my uncle was 18). Pretty much she suggested a simple enough solution, express how sorry you are, express how sorry you are that you can't be there physically (this applies solely to my situation), and express that you'll be there for them any time of day if they ever need to talk about it.

I left it at that in our last conversation, and offered him a plane ticket to come visit if he needs to get away for a week or two. Not sure if there is much else you can do for a friend other than that. According to my mother, it takes a long time to get back to normal after something like that. Luckily she has other sisters to lean on and her parents; my friend lost his only sibling, and his parents just divorced last year, so I'm certain the combination of those two things is going to make the healing take that much longer.

Wish I could do something for the guy to make it right, but I suppose there isn't much else I can do...

[EasyCure]

You should call and find out if they have already had the service or not.

Actually...

I feel like if I mention this here you'll all think I'm being paranoid but..

The 'friend' that got in touch with my gf (to tell me about the death), well it turns out he told us the day after the funeral. I refuse to believe he held off on telling me so that I couldn't make it to the funeral, just so I look bad, but that's how I feel at the moment becuase he is the type of guy to do this to someone.

I called, offered to do anything I could to get him thru this. It wasn't a long call, and we might go out this weekend with some other friends. Thanks for the advice everyone, i appreciate it.

Mr. Jack I'm sorry to hear about your friend and his sister. Sounds like you handled everything well, considering the situation.

Wow, that's either totally random or totally shady.

I'm still trying to get all the details myself, but I'm afraid its leaning towards "totally shady". It's all speculation now but this might of all been drug related. Normally this would change the wya i feel about the situation, but this is my friends brother we're talking about here, and someone I had a good relationship with in my younger days (both my friend and his brother). Nows not the time to be so cold hearted though..