We're live at police headquarters in downtown North Ridge where we're about to hear a statement regarding the killing of townie vudu early this morning.
*ahem* - Yes, we've just received this letter, written in blood. DNA testing shows the blood is a likely match to that of Mr. vudu. The letter describes the rantings of a mad-man who claims he's going to kill everyone in town and that he cannot be stopped. Currently, we have no leads and no suspects in the case. We urge anyone with any info to please call the special hotline we've set up at 618.384.6938 as soon as possible. I will now answer a few questions...
Is this at all related to the escapee from the North Ridge Asylum earlier today?
As the escape happened after the murder, we don't believe so - I do repeat, we do not believe these incidents to be related, so it is quite possible we have two crazy killers on the loose. Next question?
What is the NRPD doing about the explosive theft from the Wal*Mart Explosives Factory?
Due to the nature of that case, all details are being handled by a special unit of Homeland Security that's being set up in North Ridge. That is all the details I have, please keep the questions related to this incident. Next question?
What is being done about this? You have no leads, the mayor is gone and, apparently, the Town Hall Forum Moderator has been left in charge - what plans are being put in place to actually, you know, catch this killer or the escaped asylum inmate?
We're doing everything we can - while the mayor is out of town, he is not out of contact - we've been meeting with him via teleconference during the day. I can't speak of any plans, as we don't want to tip the killer off, but I believe the mayor will touch on a plan later this evening. Next?
How can you be expected to solve this when you still haven't caught the individual who, just last week, raped, killed and stole the skin from that 18 year old waitress?
Again, we're doing the best we can, given the circumstances. Next question?
How long until the MEGATON announcement by the mayor?
The mayor will make his announcement as soon as he has all the necessary details in place. Please be patient. One last question...
Do you know where I can get a Nintendo Wii?
Umm.. that's totally unrelated to the topic at hand. I wouldn't worry about it though, they should be pretty easy pretty soon, don't pre-order or anything. Now, if you want a crappy ROB the Robot, there's one right down the street.
Why the hell would I want one of those? They're so crappy. They're even crappy in Smash Bros. Brawl.
Yeah, they're pretty crappy. That's it for questions, again the number to call if you have any leads on the murder of Mr. vudu is 618.384.6938.