Topic: What to do? What to do?

[Stogi]

This will probably my most personal post I ever write; and though I could confide in my friends, I feel a little embarrassed because this has never happened to me before.
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For the first time in my life, I have no idea what to do....

My whole life I'm been the type that would just roll along and never actively seek out love. While my friends were hooking up with girls that they had simple crushes on, I just chilled out. I figured if I just stayed true to myself that eventually I'd find that right girl for me. And you know, it's weird; I've traveled to 14 different countries (about to be 16 in this next month) and I've always thought that one day I'd fall for some complete stranger in a strange land.

Now, having never known what romantic love feels like, I can't help but wonder what I have suddenly come down with. You see, there has been this girl in majority of my life. We use to date back in the day (she was the first and only girlfriend I have ever had), but believe or not, we broke up because I was too scared to do the girlfriend, boyfriend thing and in some instances, even talk to her. And when we broke up, I really hurt her. As depressing as that may sound, we still remain good friends; even great friends.

Now I am 20 years of age and pride myself for my ability to communicate with women; whether it's at a party and I'm pulling numbers OG style with a badass pen (cellphones are cool, but there's nothing like getting a new number written on your hand when there's already one there!), or at a library, simply engaging in deep conversation about the morality of man with a complete stranger. I've had many more relationships since then (though none of them BF/GF), even though most of them weren't sexual (I don't like sleeping with people I barely know; not to say that it hasn't happened). Anyway, the point is I feel more capable then ever before. And I am confident that when I meet this future Mrs. Stogi, I will have the prowess needed to seize the opportunity.

But now I am taking a break from school and am back in my home town for the moment. To my surprise, my ex is going to school at the college here. She was originally going to culinary school, but now that she graduated, she enrolled at this university. Anyway, the point is I saw her a couple days ago, after not seeing her for two years, and was floored. It's not like her appearance changed, and well, I honestly can't tell you why I was so startled. After the years of "practice", I found myself nervous, avoiding eye-contact, and even stuttering. I felt childish.

How could a women have so much power over me? Now I can't help but think about her. She was in my dream last night, and though I forgot what took place, I woke up smiling. And though I have never felt love, I think this might be it. I'm completely infatuated with this girl. After meeting so many girls is so many different places, is it possible the one I should be with was the first one all along?

Anyway, our conversation that night was a combination of sweet nothings and funny stories. As we sat on the roof smoking, chillin, looking at the stars, I told her that I missed her and she said the same; then there was this long pause where we just sort of stared into each other's eyes. And when it was her time to leave, there was this awkward moment where I wanted to say something, and she could tell, but then I just told her good bye and gave her a hug.

The reason I'm telling you guys this is because I don't know what to do. I have never felt so confused in my life. When she left I didn't have these insane feelings; when she left we parted as good friends. Now that she's back, I'm all the sudden infatuated with her. I want to tell her exactly how I feel. I mean, that's what I usually do; I'm not the type to drag things along. Then again, I don't think she would feel comfortable if the second time I see her in two years I blurt out all these emotions that have seemingly came out of nowhere. To make things worse, I leave town Tuesday to go back to my place and I won't be able to see her again for at least a month!

Should I gather up my courage (maybe with a little liquid courage on the side) and tell her how I feel? What if she says she doesn't feel the same way? I have never been this vulnerable before. It's honestly a little scary and I don't know how I would react. I don't know if I could be the type of guy who could stay friends with someone and act like nothing ever happened and I don't want to risk one of my oldest friendships over something like this. Then again, I can't ignore these feelings; these feelings which I've never had before.

UGH! Why is this so difficult?!

Have you guys experienced something similar? Could you lend me some advice?

[bustin98]

Yes, old flames never die, eh?

My first thought is to point out the obvious. You're 20, she's probably the same or close. And she's been your only girlfriend. You need more experience. Play the field. Find out exactly what it is you like about people and don't like. You may think you know now, but believe me you don't know enough. (Isn't that so cliche? But its true.) Also, who she is now is not who she'll be in 5 years. Trust me on that.

By experience I do not mean sleep around. I mean really delving into a relationship. There are things about people that you don't see until you spend more time with them.

Also, long distance relationships have a difficult time at working out. But its a bonus that all you have to do is go home to see her.

It would be best to finish school before getting all serious. Think carefully on that one.

Also, if you tell her how you feel, don't do it drunk. If you are going to tell her your feelings do it straight up sober.

[BlackNMild2k1]

First of all I think you wasted a golden opportunity to make sure she would be receptive to your feelings speech when the right time to say it would come up. You should hang out with her again, only this time don't be such a wuss and go in for the kiss. Let things develop naturally from there(sex that night?) and then make sure that you mention you will be leaving for about a month and really want to see her again just moments before she is about to leave Monday night/Tuesday morning.  (thats assuming sex that night )

If you can hook her in that way, you can avoid the risky and embarrassing "I think I love you" speech that will most likely be met with a mixed reaction and an even more awkward silence that is followed by nothing ore than disappointment and failure.  You gotta wait till you have her likely feeling the same way, because you don't want to scare her off. It would be best if she were to start the conversation, but you can't always wait that long cause sometimes if you wait it becomes a case of too little too late.

At the very least make it known that you will be leaving for a month but definately want to see her again when you get back, get her phone number and call her atleast twice a week while you are gone. You just want to make sure that you stay on her mind as often as she stays on yours, that way she is as eager to see you when you get back as you are for her.  

[Stogi]

Bustin: As far as experience goes, I've had many relationships, though none that I would consider boyfriend and girlfriend. By that I mean there are periods where I would hang out with one girl for months at a time. I don't like to see these girls as "girlfriends", but rather good friends that are girls that I occasionally hook-up with.

Honestly, I don't know why they put up with it; maybe there scared of commitment too? Really, I think I'm just to scared to commit to someone because I'm an optimist, and as such I always think theres something better around the corner. That is what's so weird about this situation, because I'm not thinking the same way I normally do. I have a different mentality about her, and it's scary.

But maybe your right. Maybe I should just say "f*ck it" and jump into a relationship and get my feet wet. Maybe I should start committing....then again, hind sight is 20/20 and right now, I just can't see the benefit of trying to hook-up with some person other than her.

BnM: Ya, I know I f*cked up. But like I said, I wasn't myself that night. I mean, regularly when I'm talking to a girl, I'm looking intently at how they react to each one of my comments in our conversation; body-language, laughter, interest, tone of voice - all those play a key role in how I approach my next step. For example, if I'm talking to a girl and my last comment made her laugh, unless I have something to say that is as funny or funnier then what I just said, I'll let her say the next thing. This is a good way to put the pressure of continuing the conversation on her. And as such, if she stutters, breaks eye contact, fixes her hair, or does any nervous twitch at all, I'll interrupt her mid-sentence and give her a compliment (I almost always compliment her eyes; something to the effect of "I'm sorry to interrupt, but you have the most beautiful eyes." Cheesy, I know, but girls love sincere, cheesy compliments). If she nervous twitches again, or doesn't remember what she was talking about, I pick the conversation back up with something like "I'm surprised a beautiful girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend." And just like that, check mate.

The point is, observation is key.

Back to that night, though. I definitely saw the glaring obvious signs, but I couldn't react on them. When we stared at each other it wasn't like my internal monologue was self-doubting; no, it was definitely shouting "kiss her, kiss her now before it's too late!" Still I couldn't react because, and this is the weird part, I just wanted to continue staring into her eyes. I didn't want that moment to end. I know how corny that sounds, but it's true. And that's why I'm so worried; I was mesmerized. I still don't know why I feel so strongly about her. After we broke up, we became good friends, and I was happy with that. When she left for two years, I knew I was going to miss her, but it was purely one friend missing another. I didn't feel any significant changes to my personality or my mentality, so why I am I feeling this way? What happened these past two years?!

Anyway, your right, I don't want to give that speech and I don't want any of our last night together to be awkward. That doesn't bode well for me. I'll just play it cool until I get that one moment to say something really sweet, but first I'll make contact by holding her hand then I'll say something to the effect of: I've traveled around the world, and I've seen a lot of things; but you know what I realized? To see the most beautiful thing in the world, I didn't have to go anywhere. You were here all along. I'm sure that'll make her melt.

I appreciate the help guys. I just had to write this all down just to get these feelings off my chest. I feel my train-of-thought is much clearer now. Thanks a lot.

[18 Days]

Girls are like rollercoasters. They can look pretty scary and intimidating but you really should jump on and they's safe for the whole family.
Then when you get on you start to feel sick.
But then you wanna jump right back on!
This is the worst metaphor of all time.

Keep in touch over this month and damn that line will make her melt but could you really say it with a straight face?

[Stogi]

I don't know. I used that line while hitting on chicks in Valencia, Spain and no, I couldn't say it with a straight face but at that time it actually helped me appear as more of a d*ckhead, which wasn't a bad thing. Now that I am trying to be sincere, I'm pretty sure I can.  

[Sessha]

Men never forget their first loves that's the way of the world.  And if you have a chance to have a relationship with her again then don't question it.  I think she knows the risk that she may get hurt again and you too but that's just a risk you take with every relationship.  Maybe take the time to get to know her again, people are always changing, old friends are sometimes not who we remember.  My first love passed away a while ago, so I say take the chance your very lucky to have found this chance.  Don't believe in destiny or fate whatever happens happens.  Good luck Kashogi

[Stogi]

I am sorry for your loss. And thank you.

[vudu]

Everything you need to know can already be found in this thread.  In particular, pay close attention to Rancid Planet's advice.

[Stogi]

Haha, that thread exploded near the end. Good read.

Still, I don't need advice about how to talk to women. I love flirting. It's one of my favorite things to do. I need advice (less so now) about how to talk to a girl that I've (over the course of 10 years) became friends with, gone out with, dumped, became better friends, then after two years of not talking, some how became infatuated with.  

[Kairon]

You're 20. Go for it. You've got the rest of your life to keep on searching if this isn't the one, but this is life happening right now, right in front of you, and there to be lived. God I wish I knew what everything you're talking about felt like.

[Stogi]

Thanks Kairon. I'm glad you posted.

There's no way I could describe what I'm going through, but maybe music can at least help with the perception. For some reason throughout my entire life, I have always had music playing in my head; whether it's my own that I just thought up, or a song I recently listened to. As I've grown up, my knowledge of music has grown as well; exponentially. And especially in the last couple years, I've been basically listening to the soundtrack of my life. It doesn't deter me from thinking like you might think. Hell, I think best when I focus on the music going on in my head or if I'm listening to music.

I know it sounds crazy, but because of this, I can show you exactly what music popped in and out of my head during key moments of that night and thus shape exactly how I felt.

When I first saw her, I was incredibly happy. At this point, I was just glad to see her (give each song some time to play). After my initial flooring, music from the party took over. Then while we sat on the roof later in the night, and talked about how much we missed each other, this song popped into my head (let this song play at least 3 mins). And at that point, I was completely relaxed; completely at ease. We talked about anything and everything. It was nice to be alone, secluded with her on such a beautiful night. Then as we gazed at each other, that song faded and because of the way the moonlight hit, this song started to play (let the entire song play). That moment seemed to last forever. What a perfect time to kiss her. Later, right as she was about to leave and I wanted to say something, but I didn't have the balls to this song played telling me exactly what to say. (you should listen to the entire song)

I hoped that help.

UPDATE: Turns out there's a light at the end of the tunnel after all. I'll be able to come back into town to visit her next weekend (not this upcoming weekend), right before I leave for South Africa.

[Caliban]

After reading your first post, and from what I understand the kind of person you are, I'm surprised you didn't go for it right then, you seem to have the good side of confidence in regards to women, but I think that your prior bad breakup and that you are now infatuated by her might have lead your instinct to react against a decision of no regrets caused by fear that you would harm her again, however since it was a breakup from a situation of no cheating or no mutual disrespect but more like a decision from a young couple, I see no reason why you shouldn't go for it.

I'm an introvert and I'm telling him this, wow *rolls eyes*...total hypocrisy from my part on myself, but what I opinionated still stands true from my point of view.  

[Kairon]

God that music rocks...

I even listened to the second to last song you linked about 5 times before I realized what I was doing.

[Stogi]

Are you talking about the old-school Bob Marley? I completely agree.

It was the perfect song.

[King of Twitch]

Within 5 years she's going to want to be married and having a kid. It's either going to be with you, or some other schlub off the street; either way you're not going to still be friends in 5-10.

Remember that... remember.