Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[EasyCure]

good, i thought i woulda gotten flamed from beer lovers. every beer lover i know defends their beer like it was religion or something. they all taste the same to me (ie disgusting) and i don't care that they're cheap either. i'd rather spend $10 on a good martini than $2 for a rolling rock or something.

[vudu]

I like beer.  I also like liquor.  I like pretty much any alcohol.  Except tequila.  

[EasyCure]

boo. no beer for me, i like most liqours though i havent tried any scotches yet. i went to a bar last weekend and got 2 tequla sunrises for $5 i now have a new favorite bar

[BlackNMild2k1]

Personally I like cognac, but I would rathar hold out for Hen, Remy or Vosy before I start drinking beer.
Its just the way it has to be,

[BlackNMild2k1]

I'm pretty sure I already posted this, but here it is again.

How To Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people stealing  things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them."
Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips's residence and caught the burglars
red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George:

"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

12 Things You Shouldn't Say To A Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.  
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!  
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.  
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!  
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"  

[Infernal Monkey]

TWELVE THINGS YOSHOULDNSAYTOAPOLOFFI

"YOU'RE LARGE, MAYBE YOU WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK DUE TO THE EXCESS WEIGHT"
"HEY, YOU. DICKHEAD, YOUR HEAD SEEMS TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A PENIS. TO ME. LAUGH OUT LOUD!"
"I JUST KILLED SOMEONE"
"HELLO"
"

"

""

""""

"

JOKE BOOK.

[BlackNMild2k1]

New Policy at the Pearly Gates

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
day was going when you died.'

'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that
broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel
announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him
in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump.

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke
my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his
story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to
himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven ,' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please
tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator. .....

[BlackNMild2k1]

How To Make A Woman Happy

It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25.. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35.. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expec  little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:  

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically


A young boy went up to his father and asked him,"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mommy, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his big sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his older brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

[IceCold]

Heh, that was pretty good.

[BlackNMild2k1]

yeah its about time huh.

[Stogi]

Just so you know BnM, I read these jokes all the time.

That last one was pretty good.

[BlackNMild2k1]

A Blind Man In A Biker Bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, The woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[BlackNMild2k1]

A Dumb Dirty Duck Joke

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."  


-----------------------------------------
just so you know, I have one more joke(that actually made me laugh out loud ) that I'm saving for Monday.
So keep an eye out for it.

[bustin98]

Gee, maybe next you can tell us the 'Blueberry Hill' joke. Or the 'Mommy mommy turn on your headlights, daddy's cadilac wants to park in your garage'.

Doesn't mean I don't appreciate the others but that duck joke just sounds like something I would think was funny in elementary school.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Thats actually why I mentioned the one I was actually saving for monday.
Its saturday and I figured that with how dead NWR has been over the last few weekends(everyone should be headed to some sort of halloween party tonite), it would mostly slip by unnoticed.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Is this a true story?

"Best Come Back Line Ever."

This was in the Washington Post ... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public Indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'  "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
                       
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
                                                       
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.  "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"  He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...

"A pumpkin? ****...is it midnight already?"

[Darkheart]

That so sounds like an episode of Reno 911 . . . XD

[BlackNMild2k1]

Bump since the last joke posted is Halloween related

[wandering]

"Hey Cranky," Diddy Kong says to Cranky Kong.
"Yeah?" growls Cranky.
"Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
"Depends."

[MysticGohan]

Go BnM, Sup man

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The
store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up
another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You a re visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and
have a nice day.

But to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives
store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that are extremely good looking.

The 2nd floor has wives that are extremely good looking and love sex.

The 3rd through 6th floors never been visited.

[BlackNMild2k1]

1st Joke in 1 and 1/2 months and the first of 2008

Because its the Right Thing to Do

An 18 year old Italian girl
tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.  Very
worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.  The
test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
                 
                   Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!"
                 
                   The girl picks up the phone and
makes a call.  Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their
house.  A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the
house.
                 
                   He sits in the living room with
the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
                 
                   "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge.
                 
                   I will pay all costs and provide
for your daughter for the rest of her life.
                 
                   Additionally, if a girl is born,
I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront
villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.  If a boy is born, my legacy will
be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they
will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
                 
                   However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
                 
                   At this point, the father, who
had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You a-gonna try again."


p.s. sorry for the poor formating, but I don't feel like editing it right now.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Hilary's Driver

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver  tried to avoid it but  couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and  killed.  

Hillary told her driver to go up to the  farmhouse and explain to the owners what had  happened.

She stayed  in the car making phone calls to  lobbyists.
About an hour later the  driver staggered back to the car with  his  clothes in  disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one  hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the  other,  and was smiling  happily, smeared with lipstick.  

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"  

"My God,  what did you tell them?" asked  Hillary.  

The driver  replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm  Hillary Clinton's  driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't  stop it."