Ok so it'll start with the whole room doused in a red light ok? And then a silluette of Che Geuvara's face will appear on the wall. Slowly that face with morph into Mario's in a similar pose. And then there will be a loud call "Join the Revolution!"
BAM!
Lights come out, rocking music starts and out comes Reggie, FIST in the air, to the cheers of the weak journalists below him. As he steps into center stage they'll notice that his fist contains a PSP. He'll then SLAM the PSP into the floor. As it lays in 400 pieces on the ground Reggie will boom "Someone pass me an Xbox 360!" Then out of no where some cock dressed in one of those Master Chief suits comes out and Reggie starts fighting him and of course it's no contest, Reggie wins.
Then it turns out that the rockin music was coming from Wolfmother who come out on stage and do their thing for about 2 minutes. Of course their lead singer is donning the cape that he always wears except for the Perth Big Day Out.
Next to come out is Shiggy. He'll be all like "I'm having a lot of fun!" This combination of fist from Reggie, music from Wolfmother and shiggy jsut being there withh stun, hypnotise and entrance the entire audience.
And then they get down to business and Iwata comes out with a revolution and they glorify it and show a huge demo reel that leaves at least four journos passed out and another two having to leave because they've soiled themselves.
Games shown on the Revolution will include but not be limited to:
- A revamped Advance Wars: Under Fire, titled "Revolutionary Wars"
- Pokemon XD, now renamed Pokemon Net
- Super Smash Brothers: Fist, which will see a modified Nintendo lineup and 3rd party characters.
- Lylat Wars (to be renamed Starfox in PALand)
- Metroid V: Revolt on Brinstar
- Pilotwings
- DaYS: Into Dreams
- Various generic 3rd party games.
It will be announced that revolution will be playable with actual controllers on the show floor and that the first four games I listed will be online, at launch ('cept Lylat Wars), for free. Upon hearing this, various male attendees will ejaculate without have even made contact with their wangs.
Reggie will then announce that they will move on, afterall "We're not a one trick pony, or a Halo console for that matter."
Out comes DS. Mario Kart, New Mario Brothers (which doesn't look rubbish,) Advance Wars, Another Code, Nintendogs, Metroid Hunters, Castlevania, VFX Battle all that bang wiz stuff. Nintendo talk about how easy online will be. Then they show us brand new unannounced DS games. These include:
- Legend of Zelda: Hyrule at War, complete with touch screen battles
- Pokemon Quartz and Opal
- Earthbound
- Half Life: Isotope + Counter Strike
- Shinobi: Subtitle (2D)
- Tekken Online
- Touch Pikmin
Then finally they'll pull out a Cube and start showing all the games we pretty much know about. Geist, Zelda, Donkey Konga, Crappy Baseball games. They'll slip in a few surprises too but all these surprises will share the characteristic of being Konami games, ported and enhanced on Gamecube. Of course everyone in the audience will simultaneously ask "But why the about face?" Reggie will simply respond with "I kicked some arse." As he says this the video screen behind him will have written on it "(Sexy) Iwata slept with the right women." Reggie will also mention Revolution being backwards compatible with Cube. A new bongo game will be unveiled alongside a more complete looking Odama, Double the Fist: The Game. One more game will be shown, it will be named Silver Moon. They will talk a little about their dogy Baseball offering and state that they've created a whole new development studio devoted to making a decent range of non Mario franchise sports titles to completely and utterly humilate EA Of course this sports range won't include a soccer title because Konami will be giving us all PES updates.
Procedings will then begin to unwound. They'll crap on about GBA sales a little and Wolfmother will rock faces.
Everyone will leave the stage but the video screen will stay on. A humming and dim glow coming from the screen will keep the journos, eager to leave and masturbate, glued to the spot. After 30 seconds it'll explode into life showing one last revolution game. It wont have a title and the footage will be selected to confuse people. But, one thing will be made clear; it's a mario game, co-starring sonic and they will both return to their roots albeit in 3D and do it gloriously.
As the jounalists file out, a slight spring in their step now that they're pathetic lives have been given a glimmer of joy, The Internationale will play.
EDIT: I keep editing this to add stuff.
Topic: Your Perfect E3 Conference (Read 11121 times)
