Nintendo E3 Conference Expectations
(The crowd's talk is reduced to a murmur as Reggie walks out on stage. A smattering of applause. Reggie takes a pause and looks off to the left before opening his mouth.)
"Well, folks. Here we are. I know most of you think that we're trying to compete with the other consoles out there, but you couldn't be further from the truth. We can't compete with the other consoles because there's no competition for what Nintendo does. We innovate. We make quality games. However, we're going to bring ourselves up to date with your current expectations. Case in point: The Nintendo Network."
(Goes on to explain this, crowd is mildly interested.)
"So the 3DS, huh? It's a pretty damn nice system. Oh, did I not mention that those games we teased last year are getting released soon?"
(Luigi's Mansion 2, Paper Mario, Animal Crossing, etc. given release dates.)
"Oh, and we're making a new Mario title, too. Don't worry, this one won't suck like 3D Land. Because it's in 2D."
(Mario Bros. 3DS shown)
"Speaking of franchises you love, why not have some Metroid? Yeah, that's nice, isn't it?"
(Since everyone seems to believe we're getting a Metroid game, I might as well hop on the bangwagon.)
"Oh, and blah blah blah other crap. Hey, do you remember that system we sold for six years and destroyed our competition with? Yeah, it's dying. But not before the Last Story and Pandora's Tower are released, I guess."
(Crowd is antsy.)
"Now, for the real reason you're here: The Wii U."
(Pretty promo vid that is both annoying and exciting in premise.)
"This bitch is coming out soon. For like, 300 dollars. And guess what? We're gonna have an app store, some nice online capabilities, and- some games. What games, do you ask?"
(Crowd is at the edge of their seats.)
"PUSHMO."
(We are treated to a gritty, modern-warfare-esque rendition of the game, with a serious plot and blood and gore. Tagline, "When they trapped the children... they pushed me too far.")
"DILLON'S ROLLING WESTERN."
(Hyper-stylized, ultra-violent version of the original. Considered a port.)
"AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST. SUPER PRINCESS PEACH."
(Epic, Galaxy-scale platforming and music presented, Princess Peach duels Daisy for the first time. The crowd is on their feet.)
"Blowjobs will be given by our showgirls after the presentation is finished."
(Reggie drops his mic, leaves the stage. The crowd is going wild, unsure if the presentation is over. When suddenly, Sakurai appears on the projector.)
"When thinking about how to revolutionize the Smash Bros. Experience, I came to one conclusion. EVERY CHARACTER MUST HAVE A MOVESET SIMILAR TO STAR FOX."
(The crowd dies in a state of euphoria.)