Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

Nice Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[BlackNMild2k1]

I don't think I posted this one yet, but if I did, here it is again.

Translation

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives....."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[NWR_pap64]

The funny thing? When SB told me the joke, he did the Italian accent so effectively that I COMPLETELY missed the point of the joke. It wasn't till I read it that I finally understood it.

So I think SB made it a little too effective for my Latin raised mind to understand it :p .

[BlackNMild2k1]

you know that would have been a good joke to adapt into a Mario telling Luigi how to spell Mississippi and Princess Peach getting embarrassed cause she thought Mario was cheating on her.

Mario & Luigi riding the bus

A bus stops and Mario & Luigi get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. Princess Peach, who is sitting behind them, ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears Mario say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted Princess Peach indignantly. "I can't believe this is how you would tell me you have been having sex with another woman, and who is this Emma you speak of!!?"

"Hey, coola down Princess," said Mario. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my brotha Luigi how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[BlackNMild2k1]

This is an old one that I just found deep in my inbox, not sure if it has been posted or not.

The New Federal Emblem

Official Announcement:

"The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Have I posted this before? Anyway, possibly for the first time....

"The Question"

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks "The Question":

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"  

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"

WIFE: ----- silence ------
HUSBAND: ----"Sh!t"----

[BlackNMild2k1]

Senior Citizen Fun

Working people frequently ask us retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop on Broadway street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.



I called him a Nazi bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires.

So I called him a duck head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town on the bus.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

[BlackNMild2k1]

You know you're from California if:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in
  English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named      
  Flower.

5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and
 you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . .. . Is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap
   and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney .

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:  
    "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with
    their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
    avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and
   cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
     If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.  

[Kairon]

/cries

It's all so true!!!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Chunks!!!

Three drunk women had a very long night drinking.  They left early in
the   morning hours and went home their separate ways.   The next day, they
all met an compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The 1st girl claimed that she was the drunkest saying "I drove straight
home and walked into the house.  As soon as I got through the door I
blew chunks for 10 minutes".

The 2nd girl said "You think that was drunk?   Hell, I got into my car
and wrapped it around the 1st tree I saw.  I don't even have insurance!"

The 3rd proclaimed "Damn, I was the drunkest by far.  When I got home, I
got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned
down the whole house"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then the first girl spoke out again:  "LISTEN GIRLS!! I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTAND!  Chunks is my dog!!!!!!!!!!!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Negativity

When negative people do their best to rain on your parade;

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo........

The hairdresser asked, "Well, how was your trip to Rome?"

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time
in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel
was great!

They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a
jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the sh!tty hairdo?

[BlackNMild2k1]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Requiem]

Haha...I saw that coming a mile away!

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Wal*Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't  
believe you got laid twice.  Have a good day."

[BlackNMild2k1]

I might have posted this one already...

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper
down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said,
'Your barracks door is open.' Not a phrase that
men normally use, he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping,
a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He
zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line
where the lady was that told him about his
'barracks door.' He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the
counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks
door open, did you see a Marine standing in
there at attention?'

The lady (smarter than the man) thought for
a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw
was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of
old duffel bags'

[BlackNMild2k1]

Satan's Surprised

Just minutes before the church service started the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope".

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years.


p.s. Can someone come up with a better title for this joke?

[BlackNMild2k1]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries!!??

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring
at the wall.  

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee.  "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the  room,  "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating,  and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive.  "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not  coming easily.  "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?"

"Yes, I! remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continues...

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have
gotten out today."
 

[Smash_Brother]

Haha! Awesome!

As for the Satan one, maybe "The Devil's Inlaw", but that might give too much away.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Blond Cookbook


MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me
some extra bowls.


TUESDAY
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Bill brought a friend
home for supper.


WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say
it improved the rice any.


THURSDAY
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Bill
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..


FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


SATURDAY
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Bill keeps counting to ten.


SUNDAY
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.


GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can
talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a
chocolate moose.

[nitsu niflheim]

lol, chocolate moose

[BlackNMild2k1]

Show and Tell

Little Sally came home  from school and with a smile on her face and
told her mother,  "Frankie Brown showed me  his weenie today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was
it?"

Sally replied, "No...  salty!"

[nickmitch]

Back with a vengeance, eh? Keep up the good work.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Not so much a joke as a bunch of quotes from various People and Characters.

The Value of a Drink - Public Service Announcements

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.   Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If   I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.  Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack   Handy

WARNING:   The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

"I   feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank   Sinatra

WARNING:   The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster   and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~   Henny Youngman

WARNING:   The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH   you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.   Coincidence?  I think not."
~ Stephen Wright  

WARNING:   The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.   When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to   heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian   O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause   pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard (even while wearing dancing shoes!!).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.   Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry  

WARNING:   ; The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave   Howell

WARNING:   The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically conv erse  with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.   That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."    

WARNING:   The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[EasyCure]

beer is gross, hard liquor FTW

[BlackNMild2k1]

Quote
Originally posted by: EasyCure
beer is gross, hard liquor FTW

I agree.