Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[IceCold]

Ahahah.. that was a good one, though they really forced the "bovine" synonym.

[BlackNMild2k1]

I'm a liitle late with this one, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

God & The Quarterbacks

Three quarterbacks, Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady, go to heaven to visit God to watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question... God asks Peyton Manning

first:

"What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[BlackNMild2k1]

What Size Condoms?

A man was in a long line at Walmart.
 As he got to the register he realized
 he had forgotten to get condoms, so
 he asked the checkout girl if she could
 have some brought up to the register.
 
 She asked, 'What size condoms?'
 
 The customer replied that he didn't
 know. She asked him to drop his pants.
 He did.
 
 She reached over the counter, grabbed
 hold of him and called over the intercom,
 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
 
 The next man in line thought this was
 interesting, and like most of us, was up
 for a cheap thrill.
 
 When he got up to the register, he
 told the checker that he too had
 forgotten to get condoms, and asked
 if she could have some brought to the
 register for him.
 
 She asked him what size, and he stated
 that he didn't know. She asked him to
 drop his pants. He did.
 
 She gave him a quick feel, picked up
 the intercom and said, 'One box of
 medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
 
 A few customers back was this teenage
 boy. He thought what he had seen was
 way too cool. He had never had any type
 of sexual contact with a live female, so
 he thought this was his chance.
 
 When he got to the register he told the
 checker he needed some condoms.
 
 She asked him what size and he said
 he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
 his pants and he did. She reached over
 the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
 then picked up the intercom and said...
 
 'Cleanup, Register 5'

[EasyCure]

LOL im just immature enough to laugh at that even though i saw it coming a mile away

[pun not intended]

[BlackNMild2k1]

And God Created...

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who co mes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? Tha t's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty ye ars.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty yea rs? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

[vudu]

These ones were on my Laffy Taffy wrapper:

When does a detective carry an umbrella?  When he's undercover
What kind of birds always stick together?  Vel crows
How do you get a free light bulb?  Catch a lightening bug
Why did the sock monster cross the road?  To stink up the whole town

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Golf Accident

Two women were playing golf. One teed off andwatched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I? could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.? He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[BlackNMild2k1]

Worst Day of My Life

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[EasyCure]

HE'S OFFICIALLY BACK NOW!

i wish i could say you came back strong but that wasnt that great. try again please

[BlackNMild2k1]

HE'S OFFICIALLY BACK NOW!

i wish i could say you came back strong but that wasnt that great. try again please

I haven't received any good A list jokes over the last few months, but I'll skim through some stuff and see if I can pick something up thats atleast a little bit better than the last one

but here is a stupid on to hold you over till I find it

The Lying Giraffe!?

A man walkes into a bar with a giraffe on a leash.
He walks up to the bar and says "Can i get a pint of lager for both me and the giraffe please?"

The barman, although stunned, does as he was requested and pours two pints of lager.
After a few pints, the giraffe stumbles, swaggers, and then falls flat on his back on the floor.
The man stands up, and heads towards the door to leave.

"Excuse me" says the Barman "You can't leave that lyin' there"

"Thats not a lion" says the man "Thats a giraffe!"

[EasyCure]

lol that was stupid.

i came up with a joke the other day, which i'm positive isn't very original but it just came to me while walking around with a friend. we were being "guys" and talking about these chicks we work with and just making dirty jokes. we were passing a Cold Stone Creamery and one of us said something perverted about putting your junk in the ice cream and offereing it to the girls (which came up cuz we knew none of them ever had that ice-cream before) so i'm gonna try to turn it into a "blonde, brunette and a redhead" joke.

So a guy works with these three hot blind girls; one blone, one brunette and a redhead. He's a bit of a creep and likes messing with the poor girls. One day he offers to buy them icecream, with a special surprise.

"here, i brought you a huge bowl of ice cream girls, dig in!"

He gives a spoon to the redhead first and lets her have some of his treat.

"ooh this is good but...uhm... i think there's a hair in mine" she says with dissapointment

next up the brunette tries it out.

"wow this is good but.. mine taste like it has nuts..." she said a little confused

lastly, the blonde tries it out. She starts eating and doesnt say anything. the other girls can hear her chowing down. They ask "well, how does yours taste?"

the blonde mumbles a reply and answers with a mouthfull "the ice creams ok but this d*ck is delicious!"






ok it wasnt that funny told that way, it was much funnier when i told it on the spot. oh well.

[BranDonk Kong]

What's the first thing a woman does when she arrives home from the battered women's shelter?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you've done told her twice already!

[vudu]

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand to the ground.

What do you get when you cut a baby?

An erection.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Smarter Sex

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.


Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

[blackfootsteps]

Brilliant.

[Arbok]

Italian Girl

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

The woman keeps quiet and leaves.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for, an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it's a girl..."

[BeautifulShy]

That was humorous but I saw that a mile away.

[wandering]

Pryopizm

Stan Ferguson is charged with piracy, and possession of mancakes.
He is sentenced to a public hanging.
After the execution, two men approach Stan's corpse, which is swinging in the wind.

"So that's Pryopizm, huh?" says one man.

"No," says the other. "It's only been a few minutes, not four hours."

[bustin98]

priapism. I totally didn't get that until google saved the day.

Would you say that Stan Ferguson is well hung?

[bustin98]

I was barely sitting down in the restroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

[BlackNMild2k1]

* Content of these joke may be inappropriate for some readers *

A gay guy goes into a tattoo shop and ask for a tattoo of a truck on his dick.

The tattoo artist ask "What kind?"

The gay guy ponders for a moment then replies,
"Well, you better make it a 4x4 cause its gonna to be goin thru some ****"

-------------------

What 4 animals do you see after great sex?

2 tired asses, 1 wet kitty and 1 dead cock.

[nickmitch]

Back for good?

[BlackNMild2k1]

just poppin my head in. droppin a lil joke.
I might pop in from time to time, but when I come back for good I hope to resurrect SalesBot, if Ceric ever special orders those parts he's been missing.

My avatar lets you know where my head is right now. That will likely be my focus until Nov 5th at the earliest.

[nickmitch]

Damn.  These elections have just taken so much from me.  Oh well, at least I'll be in DC when the **** goes down.