Turns out this game, Popeye: Rush for Spinach, is all about Popeye and his three friends, Olive Oyl, Bluto, and Wimpy racing toward the right side of the screen. I don’t think I need to describe who they are. If you don’t know about Popeye, Google it.

I found myself quite surprised by how good the game actually looks. I expected a wasteland of graphical quality and design. You know, the kind of slapdash visuals that usually accompany strangely licensed titles. However, Popeye has better than adequate animation quality and background design. Popeye’s visuals are the very meaning of “not bad,” and I am colored stunned because of it.

I was slightly impressed by the sound quality as well. The musical composition is satisfactory and does its job of being easy on the ears and not impeding the game. The sound effects are also above average, with sorta-clear voice samples (probably not the original actors, unless the developers know voodoo) and the various effects of weapons and vehicles. On the whole, Popeye: Rush for Spinach did not make me want to rip my ears off.

Up to this point everything’s coming up roses for the game, but sadly, the game itself is what brings my considerable praise for the game back down mediocrity. The game is, for all modes, a foot race game where the character you select runs to the right and tries to win, all the while grabbing spinach (supposedly the spinach Popeye is meant to rush for, but it actually makes you run faster) and items to use against your opponents. Popeye can also ride various vehicles found strewn about the course to gain a speed advantage. The vehicles range from the expected to the ridiculous. Cars? Check. Pogo sticks? Err… check. Skateboards? Grind those rails, Popeye! That totally makes sense. Rockets? Why not? Dinosaurs? Surely they are not that crazy, right? Guess again! Now, you might wonder, “Dinosaurs? Jeff Shirley, surely you jest. There is no way Popeye and dinosaurs could even exist at the same time. You are crazy, and perhaps crème-filled.” Well, it makes more sense, barely, when you consider that the ludicrous plotline for this game calls for a witch who sends you back in time (more on that later.) Unfortunately the game suffers from some kind of perverse rubber-band AI, where if you get too far ahead, you come across trees that you have to push over, which slows you down. Since you push the tree down, the AI bots don’t have to. But if you ever get caught behind, there is little chance you can recover. The game is fun at first, but then it gets boring, repetitive, and frustrating.

The plotline for this game’s adventure mode is so preposterous that I cannot synopsize it in a few mere sentences. It must be enjoyed, like Evian, straight from the bottle. So, for your reading pleasure, I have transcribed the entire adventure mode’s dialogue. Let’s have a read:

Scene 1

OLIVE: Oh Popeye, let’s take a walk round town. (sic)

POPEYE: Sure. It’s a real beautiful day.

BLUTO (out of nowhere): Not so fast little man! It’s me who’ll be accompanying Olive Oyl on her walk.

POPEYE: Dream on, fatso!

OLIVE: Oh no! Don’t fight each other again. Why not have a race instead?

BLUTO: A race? Sure. You’re in for a whipping! First to the docks wins!

OLIVE: But if it’s me who wins, you can both go home!

WIMPY (out of nowhere): Huh?... Where are you running to? Is it meal time already? Wait for me!

Scene 2

OLIVE: AAAH!! Popeye, who is this old witch?

OLD WITCH (out of nowhere): HA HA HA! You think you’re smart, running like that? You’ll be easy meat for my ghosts! And soon, they will come and take over the whole town! HA HA HA!!

WIMPY: Ghosts! But that’s terrible!

POPEYE: Quick! Let’s catch her! She has to be stopped!

Scene 3

OLD WITCH: HA HA HA! You can’t take the pace, you miserable snails! You need to do some desert training! Hey Presto! Shazam!!!

OLIVE: But?... Where are we?

POPEYE: She’s played a dirty trick on us: We’re in the middle of the desert!

BLUTO: How are we gonna get back?

WIMPY (suddenly angered): I dunno, but it’d better be quick, cuz I’m hungry!

Scene 4

OLIVE: Look over there! Plants, trees, grass!

BLUTO: Don’t tell me that after the desert, we’ve gotta go through the forest, too!

OLIVE: I’ve heard tales that a wise man dwells in this forest. (…says Olive, who previously had no idea where they were.)

POPEYE: Maybe he’ll help us get back home. Let’s go!

Scene 5

POPEYE: So where exactly is this wise man, then?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am here, my friends…

OLIVE: Huh? Who said that?

WISE MAN (no picture): I am the Wise Man. You have evaded my traps so I’m going help you. Follow this tunnel. It will lead you to the witch. Good luck!

BLUTO: OK! Let’s go and show that witch who’s boss! And after that, I’ll take care of you, Popeye!

OLD WITCH: What? You again? But you can’t stop me! You’ll have to try and get past my ghost first! Fly, Bozo, Fly!!

Scene 6

OLD WITCH: HA HA! While you were wearing yourself out, I was busy activating my ghost machine!

OLIVE: AAAH! Ghosts are coming out of her fiendish device! (The Internet will have a field day with this one.)

WIMPY: And they look like they’re hungry!

OLD WITCH: Allow me to send you to a place where they won’t bother you! Shazam!!!

POPEYE (growing tired of this shit): Right then! Where are we now?

DINOSAUR: GRRRRHHHH!!

WIMPY: Uh-oh! But I’m the hungry one here! I am not the filling for a dinosaur sandwich!

POPEYE: Quick! Let’s get out of here!

BLUTO: OOF! I’m starting to get fed up with this nonsense!!

Scene 7

POPEYE: AHA! The spell is broken! We’re back again, you miserable witch!!

OLD WITCH: You feeble wimps are powerless against my machine! It runs on moonlight! By the end of the night, I’ll have an army of ghosts! HA HA HA!!

WIMPY: What are we going to do? We can hardly switch off the moon, can we?

OLIVE: …

POPEYE: You’re a genius, Wimpy! Let’s all climb onto this rocket!

POPEYE: Now all we need to do is find the switch that turns off the moon! Let’s hurry!

Epilogue

OLD WITCH (surprised): Huh?... They’ve turned off the moon! My machine is exploding! AAAAAHH!!!

WIMPY: YEEES!!! We’re rid of that old bag of a witch at last!

POPEYE: So, Olive Oyl, you still fancy a walk?

BLUTO: I thought I told you already, Midget: She’s coming with me!

WIMPY: Well I’m fed up with running! That’s enough adventures, time for some moonburgers!! HEE HEE!!

OLIVE: You’re right Wimpy. Run if you want, I’m staying here! (i.e. ON THE MOON) HEE HEE HEE!!

The End

Good. Gravy. After this, it says “Congratulations! You win!” No, sir. I do not win. This is what happens when you get an old, dated license and have absolutely no idea what to do with it. It’s almost as if Namco snapped up this license very quickly and suddenly experienced buyer’s remorse. And so did I, for having to play a mediocre racing game featuring favorite old characters doing strange things. It looks nice. It sounds nice. It even handles nice. But this game is what it is and that’s all that it is: Average.