Misery. Absolute misery.
Usually games this horrendous inspire a reviewer to use every biting, witty remark he can find. Humor usually fills the article, and, in turn, it is fun to write and read.
This will not be one of those reviews.
I am tired. I am frustrated. I don’t ever want to play a game this bad again. I don’t want this to be funny; I just want it to be over. I simply wasn’t prepared for how miserable the next few hours of my life would be when I put this game in…
The opening? A picture of “The Rock” with a mono version of “I Stand Alone” playing in all its glory.
The first cut scene? Compression so bad you have to wonder if they used a program to send the file through email.
The audio in said cut scene? GBA.
The in-game models? You know what the refs and cameramen look like in NFL2K3? The ones the developers spent NO time with? You got it.
The animation of said characters? When “The Rock” jumps, it will remind you of Mario…
…from the original Super Mario Bros. on the NES. Straight up and floating.
But none of this prepares you for just how bad this game is. The entire game consists of button mashing against the same 2-3 guys in a room until they die, and then going through the door that opens up because they’re dead.
That’s it. New ones emerge out of thin air, you hit A & B a bunch, they die, and the door opens. You walk through the door and it starts all over with the same guys. Oh wait; some rooms have a dog with the guys. My bad.
They do spice it up a bit in the middle. Every once and awhile you walk through a door and you see a quick shot of these guys seeing you and running towards you, and then the pattern continues.
I finally threw-my hands up in frustration on level 4 of this wretched game. I’ve never been so unhappy with a GameCube controller in my hands. I could rant about how pathetic it is to even allow a game like this to be released, but then again it’s very simple: movie license. About 1% of movie licenses are palatable and they usually have to start with “Golden” and end with “Eye”. Everything else is a lesson in “How Not to Make a Game”.
I’m sorry I can’t be more informative about the intricacies of the game, but I will never play it again as long as I live. If this makes me a bad reviewer, so be it. I’d rather be called anything than “The Guy Who Actually Finished The Scorpion King”.
