Thanks for your kind words, everyone.
But the story is not over, yet.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS UP WHY MY CUBE.
It doesn't seem to be dead, but rather, UNDEAD.
This son-f-a-bich might be possessed. It refuses to function propperly outside of my hometown. It worked during the weekend while I was home. It DIDN'T WORK AT ALL when i spent the earlier part of this week at my apartment an hour's drive away. Now I'm back home, AND IT WORKS FINE AND ^%)(&*^$% DANDY.
To add mystery to it all, i previously mentioned that I wanted a Platinum GC w/ Free game w/ Bonus disc. I visited a Target, a Walmart, and a Toys R Us consecutively, and none of them had all three key ingredients at the same time, so I never bought a new system bundle yet. It's as if I'm not meant to get another GameCube.
I'm cursed.