Topic: Confession time: I am seriously depressed and I feel alone

[Oblivion]

2. I do not fear death.

That is another reason of my anxiety/depression/whatever you want to call it. I fear death. A lot. I think about it every day. Just today during work I was wondering what would happen if a guy came in and shot up the place. What would I do? Would I run and hide in the bulletproof room in the back? Would I try and "be a hero"? Or would I die senselessly, and not do the things I wanted to do? I also welcome it sometimes, but I guess that goes without saying in this case.

Oblivion, it's unfair to dismiss how you're feeling because you're " an angry 18 year old who's problems are probably less severe than what you are facing".  That age is a difficult transitioning period for a lot of people, and just because there are people "worse off than you" doesn't mean your struggle is insignificant. 

Being 18 can suck really hard, especially given your circumstances (I had similar experiences at that age).  I don't know enough about your personal situation to provide detailed suggestions, but I can offer input that once you're able to move on from it, so many of the struggles you had in the past will not only seem trivial in retrospect, but provide you with much-needed experience and perspective going into future hardships/struggles down the road that will make those future challenges much more manageable.

I don't know your living situation or if depression is a true representation of what you're feeling, but even if you don't have health insurance, there are places you can get assistance for covering the cost of a psychologist.  Clinical depression isn't the only thing these trained professionals take patients for, and they can certainly be good for a professional, unbiased ear to listen and ask questions that may be able to give you a different perspective on how you're feeling, and how to approach the troubles you're encountering.

Regardless of what you choose to do, I wish you all the best while you work out these issues.

Thank you. I may not have depression, but I have some issue that I need to work out. I would rather not talk to a professional simply because I was trying to defeat this issue on my own. I feel like I don't need professional help, just the help of a friend. Now, if I could actually find one of those elusive things, I'd be golden...

I am glad you aren't feeling suicidal again. Wish I could add more, but I think it's been covered by now. You will be OK. As much as people here like to sometimes rag on each other, you are always free to talk about serious stuff like here and get real answers.

I was really worried what some of you would say. Maybe I'm glad SUPER is banned during all this. :

[UncleBob]

Maybe I'm glad SUPER is banned during all this. :

Dude... harsh.

[Shaymin]

I've had similar feelings... honestly, for nearly three years now. My work at the time provided a few free sessions with a cognitive therapist, but that was just shuffling deck chairs on my own personal Titanic. (It didn't help that I lost that job at the same time). Honestly, I was at a point last year where the only thing keeping me going was having a roommate who actually gave a **** and something that I had gotten involved in at the same time.

I still haven't gotten a formal diagnosis because I can't find a psychologist/psychiatrist in my area who is available on weekends. I know there's SOMETHING wrong with me, I just don't know what it is.

[Ceric]

...

I still haven't gotten a formal diagnosis because I can't find a psychologist/psychiatrist in my area who is available on weekends. I know there's SOMETHING wrong with me, I just don't know what it is.

That really gets me.  It is easier for me to get a Gun then it is to go see a Mental Professional. 

[Oblivion]

Maybe I'm glad SUPER is banned during all this. : :

Dude... harsh.

It was mostly a joke, but I'd hate to see what he'd do to this thread if he was here. I don't know what he did to get banned, so maybe my joke was in bad taste.

[Fatty The Hutt]

Oblivion, I know exactly I feel like I might know where you are at. I have been through a couple of bad bouts of depression in my life, the first around your age (about 21) and precipitated by a bad break-up. It is very difficult to see the other side, but you will get through this my friend. I hope I can call you friend.


I can make a few suggestions. Make of them what you will:
1. Get help. Find a psychiatrist or psychologist and initiate formal therapy. Try going through your family doctor or a walk-in clinic (maybe at at university campus) to get a referral or suggestions for how to access mental health professionals for little or no money. It can be done. Don't just Google it, go through a health-care professional. You will qualify for a referral, of that I am sure. You have already had a police intervention. This is a very difficult step to take, just to have to deal with the logistics of getting the ball rolling, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you will be on the road. Don't fart around with "being a man". There is no shame in seeking professional help. They know their sh*t and their whole raison d'etre is helping folks just like you. Do it. Do it now.


2. Exercise. I am a lazy fat-ass so I recognize the hypocrisy of this recommendation. But, it is true: regular exercise reduces stress and improves your mental well-being. This is straight-up body chemistry at work. There is a crap-ton of research that proves the point. Don't read it, you don't need to. Just exercise regularly. Aerobic exercise is probably best for you right now. Get huffin and puffin, at least three times a week, at least 25 minutes each time. Maybe go to the SPCA and offer to take one of their big dogs for a jog. They'll love you for it.


3. Volunteer. This will have a triple benefit: It will get you out of the house and doing something instead of dwelling on your depressed state; it will get you out into society with other people (very important to not remain too isolated); it will get you doing something selfless and altruistic which will make you feel good about yourself and others. It is festival season in many places and they always need volunteers. So do libraries, museums, community theatre groups, sport events or "fun-runs", etc. No experience required and no pressure to please some dick-hole of a boss just to get your paycheque. Plus, it is great for the resume and gets you some nifty benefits like the ability to see performances for free or get free T-shirts and food. 


This post is already too long but other suggestions include eating well (keep up those fruits, veggies and low-fat proteins!) and distracting yourself by reading, listening to books on tape or old radio shows. Go hang out at the library once or twice a week and partake of the many services and goods. Pull books, magazines, CDs, DVDs, etc. randomly from the shelves and check them out on-site. Chat with the librarians and get them to help you find cool **** that you always wanted to explore. There's nothing quite like browsing the shelves with no pre-conceived notion of what you're looking for and just picking stuff up and checking it out. Lose yourself (and your troubles) for awhile. You won't regret it.


Lastly, keep coming here and chatting with our little online family. We like you. We want to talk to you. We want to argue with you and bust your balls and make extreme sandwiches and dumb jokes. What are friends for?

[nickmitch]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I hope you can snap out of it. I'm glad you were able to get some help from these forums. It really speaks to the strength of community we have here.

[oohhboy]

Sorry for taking awhile before coming in here to give a hand, I had to take the time to seriously think and feel about this.

*Special note*While thoughts of suicide is a red flag, not all depression regardless of how deep it maybe have suicidal thoughts. Like any condition, it has a range of symptoms. Waiting for the suicide red flag for help means you are catching yourself or someone else just before they go over the cliff!

I have actually been depressed for the last 15 years in one state or another and it wasn't until last year that I finally found out what I had. For me depression was being permanently burning out. This had happened in school where my grades had collapsed and no one had noticed or cared, including me. To me I was just "Burnt out". Until I crashed again last year after getting fired from a **** job I was living inside one big giant insanity effect. It wasn't until my case worker looking into my unemployment had talked to me for 30 seconds before she figured out something was wrong and got me to get mental health help.

My depression wasn't just have mental symptoms. I was always tired, no matter how much exercise I did I didn't improve. I was having so much trouble mentally focusing, my eyes was having trouble focusing properly. When people spoke to me it sounded like the adults in the Snoopy cartoons. My reflexes had become nonexistent and losing the moment and having short time skips wasn't uncommon even in the middle of something extremely important, like say flying a plane. It even bleed into the forum posts where I was either writing extremely insightful lucid posts or typing out mismatched sentences. Getting to sleep was hard, but when I did I slept long and never woke up refreshed. I had lost half my IQ points.

My emotional range had 3 discreet settings. Angry, indifferent, Hyena laugh. Joy the **** was that? Sad, nope. Tired isn't an emotion. Connecting with people? Not happening. Suicidal? Nope, I had something much, much worse.  Suicide for me is wussing out, letting "Them" win. If I was going to go, I am taking people with me. Had I been in America, you would have read about me after I had gone off on a shooting spree. Here in New Zealand, guns are quite a bit harder to get and nowhere as tactical as the stuff in the US. So any plan to do large amounts of personnel damage was out of the question besides badly made bombs. So yeah, I have some insight as to why some people go nuts.

Until medication, nothing helped. Therapy didn't help since I couldn't think straight and get into thought endless loops. Exercise didn't help. Working, doing stuff, distracting myself didn't help. Eating well made no difference. I had declined medication initially after my diagnosis thinking it made me a less of a person. I was so wrong it wasn't funny. Medication is my key to get out of the chain and ball on my mind. It lets me be me. There are side effects, but the side effects are a fair exchange. I tried stepping down from my current dosage, but that was a mess and a half.

So the plan now is to figure out whether what you are going through is chronic like me or it's something that will pass in time. It is not a question of will power and there is no "Snapping out of it". I am sorry to dump on you nickmitch a little, but hoping or telling people to "Snap out of it" is actually a bad thing to do. It's actually one of the worse thing to can tell a depressive while trying to help them as it forces a feeling that it is their fault for feeling terrible which only reinforce the negative loop.

Oblivion. This is not your fault. You are going through some bad times and it doesn't matter how relatively bad it is compared to everyone else. Even if you don't/can't get professional help talking about it does help and you have already taken the first step. If you want to talk about it more in private, feel free to give me a PM and I will make the time to have a chat with you on Skype/Steam and pass on what I have learned from therapy.

[Oblivion]

Damn, I can't believe how supportive you guys are being. I always thought the community here was kind of mean and cutthroat, but I've been proven wrong. I apologize for any sort of asshole behavior I've participated in in the last two or so years I've been a member here.

Oblivion. This is not your fault. You are going through some bad times and it doesn't matter how relatively bad it is compared to everyone else. Even if you don't/can't get professional help talking about it does help and you have already taken the first step. If you want to talk about it more in private, feel free to give me a PM and I will make the time to have a chat with you on Skype/Steam and pass on what I have learned from therapy.

Thanks for the offer, man. I might take you up on that offer sometime.


Once again, thanks to everyone and their supportive words. Seeing that you guys also have similar experiences (or in some cases, worse) and manage to pull through has really been eye opening.

[pokepal148]

this only proves what a mess the mental health system is in the US. i am lucky to live near the Mayo Clinic in a city that might as well be renamed Mayowood once IBM packs its bags...

[Oblivion]

this only proves what a mess the mental health system is in the US. i am lucky to live near the Mayo Clinic in a city that might as well be renamed Mayowood once IBM packs its bags...

What are you talking about? For once, can you just think before you post please?

[pokepal148]

Rochester MN, the third largest city in MN (thanks to Mayo and the the now failing IBM) and honestly, with recent politics in the MN area, its likely to become hospital city...

[TJ Spyke]

Where did you get the figure that Rochester, Minnesota is the 3rd largest city in the United States? Because it is not even close. Hell, New York State alone has 4 cities with people. I think you mean the 3rd largest city in Minnesota (which is factually true).

And while the mental health system in the US could be a lot better, nothing posted here has been any indication of the quality of it.

[oohhboy]

This thread is NOT the place to be shouting USAUSAUSA!

[Halbred]

Sometimes I'm surprised I haven't fallen into depression myself, what with the Cystic Fibrosis, diabetes, brain abscess (two years ago), loss of creative outlets, and recurring hospitalizations. HOWEVER, my wife and family claim I became depressed while my wife was away at grad school. This may be true, and I may still be dealing with it, even though she's back now.

Just general feelings of anger, cynicism and resentment (more than usual). Not sure if that counts as depression, but it's definitely noticeable.

Oh wait, and we can't forget the recent revelation that I might develop thyroid cancer!

[oohhboy]

If you are in the bubble it is very hard to tell without outside help. Looks like you have always had an outside anchor to keep you stable and pull you out when you slipped in. Your feelings might not be depression, but it's on the road towards isolation and eventual long term depression. Go hug your wife and thank her for her support. Break the cycle before it does become a problem.

Oh wait, and we can't forget the recent revelation that I might develop thyroid cancer!

You get all the luck.

[EasyCure]

I think Ty only likes Japan because he's a weeaboo, but you can live a life of relaxation (mentally) and comfort in Laos or Thailand jsut by being white and male.

This depresses me because a few years ago when I went to Japan, Ty was giving me tips and said something along the lines of "due you don't have to do anything, the chicks will love you just because you're a white american." When I told him I wasn't white, he compensated with "ok, so you'll be like a suave (insert name of Spanish dude from Resident EVil 4 here" which was good for a lol but it stayed with me during the trip and brought down my mood when I realized;

a. I was in a stale relationship and felt the most attractive and heavy I've ever been.
b. No one in Japan gave a **** about me which just made it feel like my bleak existence in the US just followed me there.
b. Because I wasn't white I'd probably never get a cushy job teaching english there; apparently they pay good money for english teachers there. You don't have to know a lick of Japanese, they set you up with pre-furnished housing and all.. but I didn't have the funds to make the move and had to go back to a dead end job.

I've had low points on and off throughout the years. Some of which I've already ranted about here. The older I get the more I realized, **** just happens. Thoughts of suicide used to scare me but I feel like these days I must just be getting numb to it. Sometimes I have a suicidal thought and just laugh it off.

Although I thought I'd moved on to a better job, and recently started a better relationship (a little year after being dumped from a 5 year relationship, on our anniversary, via email while I was starting my promotion...), I still feel like **** sometimes. My job is starting to get worse, between medical bills, car repairs on my old car, owing $1500 on my taxes, and buying a new (pre-owned) car.. I feel like I'm broke. They're building a new bridge that I have to take to my job which is 21 miles away and are talking about raising tolls from $5 (1 way) to $14 (both ways) and the fear of having to leave this job to find something closer to home which HOPEFULLY at least pays the same scares the **** out of me. I hate thinking about the future these days..

But i realized something. I was feeling insignificant but realized we are all insignificant, everything we do will ultimately be insignificant in the grand scheme of things. this earth will keep spinning for millions of years before the sun gives out, so enjoy the fucking ride. Yeah you're going to have days, weeks, months, years that SUCK but its part of the ride. Without the bleak the light at the end of the tunnel wouldn't look so damn bright. I'm not saying just pretend you're okay and put on a fake smile and march into the world. **** no. embrace  your depression, burn yourself out on it. One day you'll wake up so tired of being miserable that you'll get numb to it. Then you'll be bored of being numb and find something that breaks the monotony. Either you'll push yourself to find it or come across it by accident. For me, it was dusting off my guitar again. I started giving lessons to a complete beginner, so it was okay that I was a little rusty, now I'm doing things I never could have done the last time I played regularly. It's fun, it brings joy to me. With or without friends.

You do need friends though, it helps. Trust me though, I know how hard it is to go without and how hard it is making new ones. There are 3 people I'd ever considered best friends; one became a doctor so I only see him about 2 times a year. The other moved mid-west to start a family. The last was a toxic asshole that I'm glad I dumped from my life. I'm envious of the 1st two but after some serious discussions with them, I've learned that they envy parts of my life too. It shows me everyone goes through this. When you feel the most alone, realize that you're not actually alone. Just look at this thread, we're all here not just for you; for each other. That's why I love this place. I don't go to any other forum because mostly everyone here is a good person, and a better friend.

Oblivion: if you ever want someone to talk to, shoot me a PM. I don't really skype and I don't think I've ever used my Wii U video chat; I've never really video chatted with anyone so its uncomfortable for me.. but you can PM me, message me on gmail, facebook, twitter or even send me a text man. Don't make me post my phone# in my sig like unclebob.

[EasyCure]

Also, the thought of Caterkiller crying and wushu-chopping someone is both sad and hilarious. For a wushu master, Caterkiller always comes off as the kind of dude you just want to hug and pat on the head .

[Caterkiller]

Thanks EasyCure!

You know it's really interesting looking deeper into everyone's life. It just goes to show we all go through something, some of us go through tougher things than others. That's some really hard stuff Halbred, I hope you pull through.

Its easy to give advice and easy to listen, but how hard is it to really take it? I propose we keep tabs on each other. Lets examine one another's issues and what they want, set short term goals and see if going after these things with other forum members on our backs will make us actually do them and in turn feel a little more satisfied with the world around us.

Or maybe not. Who wants a free living room or office wushu lesson to relieve stress? Lets Skype it or Wii U video chat! Come on! My oldest student was 85 years old when he earned his black belt!

[Ceric]

I would take you up on that except I was reduced to sleeping on the Kitchen floor this morning because it was the only space in my house where there wasn't someone else sleeping that had enough room for me to lay down.

The animals have practically claimed my side of the bed as of late.  I'm seriously considering going to a hotel tonight so I can get a good night's sleep.

[EasyCure]

Thanks EasyCure!

You know it's really interesting looking deeper into everyone's life. It just goes to show we all go through something, some of us go through tougher things than others. That's some really hard stuff Halbred, I hope you pull through.

Its easy to give advice and easy to listen, but how hard is it to really take it? I propose we keep tabs on each other. Lets examine one another's issues and what they want, set short term goals and see if going after these things with other forum members on our backs will make us actually do them and in turn feel a little more satisfied with the world around us.

Or maybe not. Who wants a free living room or office wushu lesson to relieve stress? Lets Skype it or Wii U video chat! Come on! My oldest student was 85 years old when he earned his black belt!

that seems like way too much work and I no longer want you as my friend.

just kidding

I would take you up on that except I was reduced to sleeping on the Kitchen floor this morning because it was the only space in my house where there wasn't someone else sleeping that had enough room for me to lay down.

The animals have practically claimed my side of the bed as of late.  I'm seriously considering going to a hotel tonight so I can get a good night's sleep.

make sure to look under the fridge for corn and laugh your heart out

[Nile Boogie Returns]

Depression has a cure, unfortunately unlike other more clinical diseases, its different for everyone. The most important thing i can say to you my friend is that "as long as there is a cure then there is hope".  NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
 


Be Well

[Ceric]

I got hung up on during a job interview today.  I missed a question I knew.  I have no future prospects at the moment.  If I lose my current job I couldn't get another one.  I'm really good at what I do.  I'm just so very very very very bad at interacting with other human beings I can't get past an interview.  No matter how hard I try and how hard I practice I just can't relate to other people in a way causes a connection.  I'm sure its fairly obvious on the forums.  I'm just here aren't I.  No different then the blue theme.  Just another fixture.

[Oblivion]

Dude, you're an awesome part of the forums, and I had fun with you the one time I played Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate. I'm not good at words of encouragement, but I'm sure you are not as bad as you say you are.

[Sundoulos]

I got hung up on during a job interview today.  I missed a question I knew.  I have no future prospects at the moment.  If I lose my current job I couldn't get another one.  I'm really good at what I do.  I'm just so very very very very bad at interacting with other human beings I can't get past an interview.  No matter how hard I try and how hard I practice I just can't relate to other people in a way causes a connection.  I'm sure its fairly obvious on the forums.  I'm just here aren't I.  No different then the blue theme.  Just another fixture.

That's terrible.  Sorry to hear about that.  I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that any company who has an interviewer that would hang up on someone giving the interview isn't probably a company that you would want to be at, anyway.  I guess that doesn't help your immediate situation, though.  For what it's worth, though I don't know you personally, from what I've heard on NFR and what I've seen you post on the forums, you don't strike me as someone who is bad at interaction.