Let me be frank with you: I’m not wearing any pants.

Why, you ask?

Killer 7 scared them off.

So I sit here, cold from the waist down, and I’m paralyzed in fear. Half naked and afraid, just as Grasshopper Manufacture intended.

But why am I so scared? Killer 7 hardly ranks on anyone’s “Top 10 Horror Jams.” But it certainly deserves a spot on those lists alongside the greats.

Silent Hill? Pyramid Head is pretty freaky, but Killer 7 has a pedophile that harvests organs with what appears to be a carwash.

Resident Evil? Lisa Trevor was quite the mutated sob story, but Killer 7 had a disembodied head that castrated men.

What frightens most about Killer 7 is generally what scares them off: odd on-rails gameplay, weird aesthetics, and a convoluted and political plot. Alone these are deadly, but found in one single product? You’d be lucky if a retailer even stocked the thing.

But that’s not what scares me. My fears are actually based in fact (that’s correct, I’m being passive-aggressive in hating on those who dislike this gem).

Remember that tension from facing off against the Regenerators in Resident Evil 4? The dread that consumed you from having to pinpoint the weak spots of an oncoming enemy? Yeah, that tension pervades Killer 7. That’s what it’s composed of. Your enemies, the Heaven Smile, are walking, talking bombs. And if you still haven’t sworn off playing the game in fear that you’ll suffer a heart attack, the Heaven Smile are invisible. Killer 7’s world surely looks empty, but that’s only because you can’t see the harm that plagues it. A low, chilling chuckle from them is all that alerts you to their presence. Heaven Smile come in all shapes and sizes, and you won’t enjoy any of them. They’re all ugly, and they all just want to blow you up.

The Heaven Smile have you constantly on the edge. You rarely get room to breathe. Having an understanding of “just wait for the laughs” is hardly viable. Just because you hear their tell-tale chuckle, doesn’t mean you know just where they are. Are they behind you? Perhaps there’s more than one. After scanning the environment to reveal your adversaries, you’ll realize ignorance is bliss. What was once was a barren room is actually littered Heaven Smiles both big and small. You’ve got those birthing eggs that roll toward you rather quickly, a tall lumbering model wearing body armour, and another that just stands there shooting lasers from afar. I liked it more when it was just a boring old living space.

Killer 7 isn’t for the weak of heart. You may be better off playing while being kept alive by a machine— it’s less likely anything will give out should the game go out of its way to horrify you. You’ve been warned.