Where we will be parking, no one will be safe.
Sometimes you get games that you just don't understand how they found their way onto the Nintendo Switch eShop. Pizza Parking is one of those games. The title is a parking simulator with an arcade flavor on top. Within an incredibly strict time limit, you will be tasked with parking a car at a triangle put down somewhere on the field. To get there, you will have to survive the most cruel thing known to humankind: traffic cones. If you even slightly touch these orange plastic hellspawns, a point gets added to the collision counter. Do that three times, and you are promptly asked to do the whole thing over again: the true punishment in my opinion.
Saying that Pizza Parking looks plain is the understatement of the century. Everything from the loading screens to in-game elements, like the cars themselves, looks almost completely off. The same ground textures are in every level without anything to change them up in a significant way. The skybox is mostly blue with clouds only on the very top. The reason I know this is because it is incredibly easy to leave the map entirely. That is the only side of the game I can consider fun.
The controls aren't the most terrible thing in the world, but they never feel quite right. They don't have the smoothness of other car games, causing you quickly to rack up the max number of collisions. Pizza Parking offers 72 levels, spread across various types of vehicles. Everything from a car to a huge truck will pass you by in these emotionless challenges. Outside of the logic to use a truck for pizza delivery, the size is the only thing that changes up how the game is played. If you manage to complete one of these challenges, your ultimate reward is the Final Fantasy battle victory jingle. I'm not even joking.
So yeah, Pizza Parking deserves to be shunned. For all the quality software coming to Nintendo Switch, this one just really messes with my head. I'm really trying to understand what the game is trying to accomplish. Does it want to be a puzzle game or a racing game? I say this because the various game elements are at odds with each other and never form a complete whole. The entire title is one of the biggest messes I've seen in awhile.