Once in a while, a game is released on an unsuspecting public that is such an abject failure that a reasonable person can’t help but wonder what kind of cynicism allowed it to see the light of day. When the game turns out to be a first-person paintball game on the DS, that person may end up questioning not so much cynicism, but rather sanity.

Interestingly, Greg Hastings’ Tournament Paintball Max’d lulls you into a false sense of security by opening up with a compressed music video that introduces the main “characters" of the game. In fairness, it is nicely done and the sound quality is superb. In fact, the game utilizes full audio tracks during all matches, which is fairly remarkable.

This idea of quality continues when choosing a control scheme. GHTP has three different control options and each with a left/right hand preference. Two allow for touch screen use (stylus and thumb strap) and one allows for dual digital aim. The best option is utilizing the thumb strap as it allows for better handling of the DS. The stylus mode may allow for greater precision, but be prepared to stay in the same position for an extended period of time.

Ha-ha, I'm just kidding. No one is actually going to play this for any extended period of time. The painful realization that GHTP is worthless begins as soon as the menu screen opens. I’m not sure if developer Night Light was just being funny, but the idea of a DS game that utilizes the touch screen so heavily but requires the face buttons for menu navigation is simply too mind-boggling to accept as anything but a cruel prank.

The sinking feeling spirals into despair once an actual match begins. The graphics are so badly pixelated that learning to differentiate between enemy players and anything else on the screen takes quite some time. Once you have mastered the ability to tell foe from scenery, you’ll find yourself hitting another wall. Unfortunately, you can’t actually see that wall. The collision detection is so inaccurate that moving between two objects is nearly impossible.

Then there’s the sheer blandness of the game. The arenas are dull, the songs are played repeatedly, and the characters all look alike. I understand that most paintball arenas are this dull in reality, but the fun in paintball relies on the players’ physical presence. Paintball provides an emulation of a dangerous situation in a hostile, but controlled, environment. The best first-person shooters provide the same feeling, but digitally. GHTP, on the other hand, feels as if it’s a second-hand emulation—so watered down that all possible tension has diffused into boredom.

Exceptional multiplayer has defined many otherwise flawed shooters. In this case, the multiplayer is boring, bare bones, and requires multi-card play. I would say it was thrown in as an afterthought, but the entire game seems to be an afterthought.

GHTP is an atrocity. Hyperbole? No, not as far as games are concerned. Aside from a versatile control scheme and some impressive sound design, this game has nothing going for it. GHTP is completely unplayable.