It did. WITH SEXY RESULTS!
Picture this. You're in the shops, shopping for eggs. It's 4:30 in the morning, you woke up in a cold sweat with a burning desire for eggs. You casualy glance around the egg section, looking for the perfect carton of eggs. Then RUMBLE NOISE AND RUMBLE SENSATION. There's something coming, it's coming fast and all over the place. The not yet awake store clerk scratches his neck.
CRUSH. "SORRY, I HAVE TO DELIVER TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"
An 18 Wheeler has burst thru the wall, knocking down various small goods. You've been struck by a smooth turtle wax.
This is 18 Wheeler, a life altering experience by Sega's AM2 or 3. One of them. Published by the successful company Acclaim. It's a mish mash of previous Sega games, like Crazy Taxi, Crazy Taxi and Crazy Taxi. Except you don't pick goons up to drive them to KFC and the game isn't called Crazy Taxi. Rather, you're given very detailed instructions at the start of each level by a blubber ball, such as 'deliver this on time' or 'you'd better make it on time'. I think he actually taught me about life, I owe this game a lot. You have to deliver garbage like boats or crates of empty code. Then you're off. OFF.
The first thing that'll strike you is the incredible graphics. The arcade game was ported to Dreamcast, then PlayStation 2, then GameCube. So you just know its history is quality goodness. Low res blurry textures that only stretch out an inch or so before becoming bland lumps of solid colour, disgustingly beautiful lens flare that fills the screen with white, nice thick 50Hz borders (exclusive to PAL version). It's quite a wonder how they managed to get this running on what limited technology we have these days.
Blubber Ball (Blubs for short) has a big whinge as soon as you start, reminding you to get there on time. I think he has vagina pains if you're a second too late. "Sorry sir" "ARR, MY VAGINA"
So you obviously must hurry! Nothing gets in the way of your 18 wheeler, cars gets pushed aside, overhead signs break, entire houses implode as you throttle over them. Killing thousands of Pikmin. Trees though, or even shrubs by the side of the road. WATCH OUT. These can stop you dead in your tracks.
You have a very VERY limited amount of time to get to the destination, your boss' vagina will cramp up on him and he'll double over and cry. So of course there are black trucks you can total to earn some more time. Why just the other day I blew up a truck because I was late to a meeting. OF THE MINDS. Also, there's Mean Face McMean. He's a rival trucker, and he's very angry. He'll invade your radio proclaiming to get out of his way. He'll try and push you into oncoming traffic or dump his load in front of you.
"I WILL LOSE MY CARGO TO SLOW YOU DOWN, GREENHORN! GLOBBLE GLOBBLE GLOBBLE"
You can't kill him, sadly. If you beat him to the destination however, you'll be rewarded with a parking challenge. Park the truck, win a prize. It's like, a new horn or steering wheel. Seriously. There are FOUR amazing levels in this game, each will take about three to ten minutes to finish, so you can be sure this game will last forever.
When you finish the last level, you get to see your trucker wiggle their flab out of the truck and wave to you. Then it goes back to the title screen, I shed a tear.
Music is of awesome quality, it's lots of banjos and garbage bin lids. There's also a two player mode (yes, they thought of everything!) which is quite amusing. You have to pick up stuff fast. FAST LIKE THE SONIC.
I think I will try out my new rating system, it's in BETA stage.
This game: 0.0
It's so good your face will look a bit like that when you realize you've spent money on it. I know I did!
Topic: I'm FREE! Free at last! (Read 34328 times)
