Author Topic: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words  (Read 7226 times)

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Offline Shaymin

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Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« on: August 14, 2014, 10:21:19 PM »
You can thank or blame Mike Phillips (Player One Podcast, ex-1up, ex-Fanboys Lunchast) for the rubric but I've wanted to try this system out ever since he brought it up. So let's calibrate this thing... yes, these reviews have been scored, and on a 100-point scale no less.

The original concept illustrated.

Final Fantasy II (PSP)
Healing ITEMS miss.

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64 via Wii VC)
I spent thirty real world minutes waiting for the game to allow me to continue the plot.

Metroid Prime (Trilogy edition - Wii)
The added Wii controls don't change the fact that the game is a confusing mess that gets an undue amount of respect.

Pokemon Gold/Silver (GBC)
The easiest way to ruin a great game is to half-ass one half and 1/16-ass the other while adding three good Pokemon out of 100. I'd rather play XY's postgame.

Darksiders II (Wii U)
The Wii U version adds seemingly gratuitous gyro control, clipping, and crash bugs, but the core exploration is fun for a bit. It would benefit from having combat beyond X for the mooks and Y for the bosses.

Tomodachi Life (3DS)
The tasks to help your Miis are extremely repetitive and it's nearly impossible to play for more than twenty minutes. It's more of an aquarium for your Miis than an actual game, and as long as you don't expect more than that you should be happy. Just make sure your mother doesn't start dating a Nintendo executive.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Genesis via Sonic Mega Collection)
It's the game most people think of when they think Sonic, as you can clear 60% of the game by running until you can't run anymore and usually get somewhere. The jumping feels great and the game does a good job of keeping up with you, but the bosses range from repetitive to cheap and the last one is an exercise in frustration when you're not allowed to defend yourself.

Mario Kart 8 (Wii U)
It starts with a lot of momentum, but the game quickly railroads you into using a particular cart combination if you want to progess. Random unlocks are frustrating when the game won't give you the character you want. The online play works well, and since Battle Mode has never been good it finally gets the respect it deserves. You will be frustrated by the game's devotion to screwing you but you'll want to try again.

Earthbound (SNES)
It's a role-playing game that has an extremely evil random number god, but the effects are often migitated by the rolling hit points allowing a last gasp. The game has enough charm for a year's worth of games, and you'll want to talk to everyone to see what they say instead of needing to talk to everyone. All the relationships pay off at the end of the game, with the most poignant final battle this side of a Genesis Phantasy Star.

Persona 4 Golden (Vita)
With a game that borrows elements of Eastern role playing, dating sims and Pokemon, this is a game that begged for the portable format. Even though you're playing a teenager, you'll be making decisions about relationships like an adult. The combat, although frustrating in the random design - best seen in the bonus content which borrow all of the worst elements of roguelikes - is enjoyable in the moment, allows for full control and pays off the actions that you take outside. See this game through to the end, no matter what.

Chrono Trigger (SNES)
It's one of two games in history that did a time travel story properly. The combat is fast-paced, does things with character positioning that still haven't been matched, and still throws new things in until the final battle. The characters have believable stories, aided by a localization that was several years ahead of its time and just the right amount of actual emotion. It's the perfect RPG, and it doesn't wear out its welcome. Even the New Game+ hasn't really been matched since, by encouraging the player to beat the game multiple times to see what effect your victory causes.
 
« Last Edit: August 14, 2014, 11:16:32 PM by Shaymin »
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Offline "King Gong" Khushrenada

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2014, 10:07:50 AM »
Shouldn't you have put the review score up as well? Looking at the example, they gave the game a score along with their reveiw. It would be so much nicer than counting words to see what the number of them is. I stopped after a couple.
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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2014, 10:13:50 AM »
I give Donald a 4.5/10 and find him to be a real mixed bag.
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Offline Ceric

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2014, 10:37:43 AM »
...
Final Fantasy II (PSP)
3

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64 via Wii VC)
17

Metroid Prime (Trilogy edition - Wii)
22

Pokemon Gold/Silver (GBC)
30

Darksiders II (Wii U)
38

Tomodachi Life (3DS)
57

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Genesis via Sonic Mega Collection)
70

Mario Kart 8 (Wii U)
75

Earthbound (SNES)
81

Persona 4 Golden (Vita)
92

Chrono Trigger (SNES)
100


All Scores Normalized to the Metacritic Standard.
Need a Personal NonCitizen-Magical-Elf-Boy-Child-Game-Abused-King-Kratos-Play-Thing Crimm Unmaker-of-Worlds-Hunter-Of-Boxes
so, I don't have to edit as Much.

Offline "King Gong" Khushrenada

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2014, 12:42:50 PM »

Mario Kart 8 (Wii U)
75




Man, NWR was giving Mario Kart 8 7.5's before it was cool. Lame.
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Offline Phil

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2014, 06:58:19 PM »
I do something like this, but it's a one-sentence (fragmented sentence, run-on sentence) version.
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Offline "King Gong" Khushrenada

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2014, 02:21:13 AM »
Since no one is going to do the obvious, I guess I'll have to do it myself.

Khushrenada Reviews Donald's Reviews In So Many Words

Meh.


Khushrenada Reviews Khushrenada Reviews Donald's Reviews In So Many Words.

Once again, Khushrenada has stepped up to the plate and delivered. And if you don't like baseball terminology or metaphors, then I'll put it another way. He hit a home run with this one. Of course, some people may question whether it was really that great as it was a rather obvious joke but fortunately, Khushrenada takes the obvious and subverts it by adding another layer and another layer to create an onion of comedy. So funny it makes you cry. Now some might expect this punchline to be 100 words long but Khushrenada is smarter than that. It's 101 words.



Holy crap. That was easier than I thought. That took like 3 minutes. And it shows! 101 makes it wonderful.
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Offline Shaymin

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2014, 09:40:39 AM »
Persona 4 Arena (PS3)
Why is this game canon? It controls well for a fighter, with movesets being common to characters making it easy to switch to different characters and focus on learning their play style. The art style is attractive and the music is up to Persona's typical standard, though the small character count until Ultimax means my interest will die quickly. So why did they bother tying this to the next mainline game again? 72

Injustice: Gods Among Us Ultimate Edition (Vita)
Thank heavens for the Skip Cutscene option, or story mode would be unplayable. Tap controls should not be the main way to pull off moves in a portable fighter. If you don't give a flying fadoo about comics, avoid unless it goes to $4 again. 45

Ultimate Marvel v Capcom 3 (Vita)
The Vita's missing buttons makes it difficult to pull off the tags with consistency, but the basic specials are easy to pull off. Final boss is incredibly cheap even on the lowest difficulty. Half of the characters in the game are great, though there could stand to be more Capcom references. A very manic game that is way more fun than it is good. 64

Ultra Street Fighter IV (360)
Although it advertises all of these costumes, you'll only care about getting them for your main guys. Plenty of options for characters and all of them are fun to at least mess around with in training. Probably not a good idea to play the game with a 360 d-pad, but they do appeal to stick players. Seth isn't as cheap as I feared, since I was expecting Alpha 2 Akuma bonus boss hard. 73
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Offline pokepal148

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2014, 02:28:44 AM »
Here, let me try:
Super Street fighter 4 3d Edition
I still pop in the 3DS version of SF4 now and then, I've been meaning to pick up Dead or Alive dimensions as well but a certain company won't put it on the Nintendo eshop. Anyway, even if it's fairly  far behind compared to later rehashes on the series Super Street fighter 4 3d Edition is still a really nice  little game to have around to play on the system.

80 I think

Skyward Sword: SUCKS!
1
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 02:41:12 AM by pokepal148 »
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Offline Shaymin

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2014, 07:03:38 PM »
Azure Striker Gunvolt (3DS)
The combat system requires a bit to learn with the “tag and bag” technique the game calls for. You'll play the game for the high scores, not the storyline which is 80s action movie as made in Japan. The crafting system might as well not exist since you have to back into getting good items. Despite all that, it's still extremely fun to play and the good kind of frustrating where you want to make one more run. 78

Mighty Gunvolt (3DS - free with Azure Striker Gunvolt purchase through 11/28)
The best part of the game is the opening and closing Engrish. The levels are typical Mega Man-length and kinda easy, but there's not many of them and 1/3 of the characters are useless. Boss encounters are cheaper than the parent game. Not a good time-waster if you can 100% the whole game in two hours. 56
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Offline Shaymin

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2014, 12:56:26 AM »
Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney (3DS)
The storyline that brings these two together makes just enough sense that you won't start asking questions until the end. Some of the quality of life things, like hint coins and how to find them, need to come over to the main games ASAP. Although there's not as many puzzles, this would be a long Layton game if you're under a time crunch. Bonus puzzles destroy what's left of the fourth wall. Definitely more than the sum of its parts, European localization – though logical – is obvious. 86

Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc (Vita)
Both Danganronpa games are among the most intense experiences you'll see in any genre this year. Some of the characters need more up-front character development, and the end is extremely drawn out, but if you go in without spoilers you'll have a heck of a ride. Trial sequences have a few minigames to deal with, one that's extremely annoying, but the logic is usually sound. Optional modes can be slightly irritating if you're a trophy hunter. Even without being in the same room, the voice work is beyond reproach. 89

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair (Vita)
Key differences from its predecessor: Annoying minigame made slightly less so, decently fun one added, previous standout turned into bullet hell. Requires knowledge of the events of its predecessor so it can spend the entire game gleefully subverting the hell out of them. Fanservice gets cranked up, but part of that is a function of the setting. Although it starts slow, you'll freak out at the last two chapters and then seek to enjoy the despair of others when they reach that point. Zero Escape shoutouts and Funhouse mockery appreciated. 90
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Offline Halbred

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2014, 06:46:25 PM »
I stopped listening after you failed to understand how unbelievably good NWR's Game of the Decade is.

You should do one of these for all the core Pokémon games.
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Offline Shaymin

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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2014, 06:38:04 PM »
Hyrule Warriors (Wii U)
When your favorite part of a Zelda game is the combat, a musou game would be right up your alley and so it goes here. Only real complaint is the inability to move the map down to the Gamepad. The game provides plenty of replay value, has a lot of free content added in updates, and beating thousands of soldiers may cause the Tetris Effect. The story is perfunctory but actually manages to make previously unlikable characters into things that are actually fun to play. Best Zelda on an HD console, no question. 93

Legend of Korra (PS3)
Platinum games either end up as masterpieces of the genre or entertaining crap, and this is the latter. Korra's elemental powers are fun to use, but can get a little repetitive. If I never have to play a Platinum racing game again, it'll be too soon. Some of the requirements are a little obtuse, but the graphics are amazing given the devlopment time. 63

You should do one of these for all the core Pokémon games.

Ask and ye shall eventually receive...

Pokemon Red/Blue (Game Boy)
Good building block for the series, but the game has so many glitches it's a miracle it even boots and is so imbalanced as to be the equivalent of draw poker with wild face cards. 35

Pokemon Yellow (Game Boy Color)
Good news: Some of the glitches are fixed, and the game is a little more balanced late. Bad news: One should never attempt to ape that particular anime, which artificially inflates the difficulty early. The added multiplayer options were nice but never get much play. 45

Pokemon Crystal
(Game Boy Color)
A good first effort in character customization, and the attempts to bring some of the new Pokemon in early are appreciated, but it's still a game that's on the wrong platform. 31

Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire
(Game Boy Advance)
TRUMPETS EVERYWHERE! OK, it's a decent first attempt to reboot necessitated by the old games being broken as hell, but it needed a lot of the later quality of life improvements. It's the first ingame that feels as though it was balanced, but it could stand to do without the surfing and the postgame is limited. 56

Pokemon Fire Red/Leaf Green
(Game Boy Advance)
The attempt to play off nostalgia will definitely annoy you when the Golbat evolution stops because reasons, and Kanto as a region was getting tired at this point. Plenty to do in the postgame that's not retreading six-year old territory that may be worth revisiting eventually. 46

Pokemon Emerald
(Game Boy Advance)
Pre-ORAS, this is the definitive 3rd generation Pokemon experience. A logical extension of the old storyline that only slightly breaks the ingame and just the right balance changes to make the game challenging for all. The Battle Frontier is a postgame experience that still hasn't been repeated, but there's still a tad too much surfing involved, making it the first game you go bankrupt buying Repels in. 67

Pokemon Diamond/Pearl
(DS)
So... damn... slow... and some questionable Pokemon choices doom this game to mediocrity. It's not a good thing when making the wrong choice of starter ruins the experience. It also pulls the Gold/Silver stunt of locking out new Pokemon until the end of the – rather decent – story. 47

Pokemon Platinum
(DS)
Finally, a Pokemon DS game that's worth playing. The performance issues have been resolved, and there's enough there that a decent 3D sequence fits into the game without any issues. A wide variety of monsters are available, and some logical game flow changes from Diamond/Pearl make the ingame a blast to run through. A giant postgame upgrade and the idea of actually keeping a few loose ends untied until the postgame keeps you playing well past wasting Cynthia. 78

Pokemon Heart Gold/Soul Silver
(DS)
You can only polish a turd so much, as Kanto is STILL getting old and the additions to Johto flesh it out slightly but the level curve for full completion is still insane. The best part of the game is the part literally pasted in from Platinum. 47

Pokemon Black/White
(DS)
The first real attempt at a series reboot, the decision to leave all of the old Pokemon out until post-E4 makes it that you actually want to use all of the new Pokemon. The series's biggest annoyance is the experience scaling of this game being removed. With the reboot comes a serious attempt at a storyline that attempts to makes the player think about what they're actually doing, and does a good job of looking at serious issues while still having it make sense to the young audience. 88

Pokemon Black/White 2
(DS)
The first true Pokemon sequel makes enough changes that you're not retreading all of the game, and adds a lot of variety in the wild Pokemon present. Although the Pokemon World Tournament is fanservice to the extreme, it's executed well and doesn't wear out its welcome. It's hard to follow up the storyline of the original, and the result is falling into a lot of the old story traps the prior generations did. 73

Pokemon XY
(3DS)
Like the first DS games, the first games on a new system run into performance issues – have fun with single-digit FPS in horde battles, a main feature. A basic storyline is buffed by the insane number of options you have. It makes getting to the Elite take long because you're leveling so many Pokemon. That's where the time comes in, since the postgame is extremely limited to where you can finish it in a night. 75
« Last Edit: October 25, 2014, 06:43:35 PM by Shaymin »
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Re: Donald's Reviews In So Many Words
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2014, 06:44:59 PM »
What, no Pokémon Teaches Typing? Hey You, Pikachu?
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