Welcome to the world of online vocal data packet transference, also known as Voice Chat. If you already own a Wii, voice chat is probably going to be a surprise for you, as we all know that the Wii is the best console in the history of anything ever and has absolutely no room for improvement as it is pretty much the video game equivalent of ambrosia from the gods. So I bet you're going 'Hey perfect console, why do you need this new dohicky, you're perfect the way,' and it's very simple.
Marketing.
Yes, believe it or not there are people out there that think things like downloadable content and voice chat are actually important. I mean what the hell is wrong with them, am I right? I think it's pretty unlikely that anyone who already owns a Wii could want either of these things, but clearly Nintendo has felt like just maybe their almost total conquest of the world isn't enough. So now they're trying to pull the remaining 50 people away who still play PS3 and Xbox 360. Today we're going to talk you through what to expect from these people, and how to deal with them.
The Breeds
There are basically two groups we'll be talking about today. While from a distance they may seem both equally loud, aggressive, and only interested in their 1080i explosions along with Lara Croft's polygon count, there are some differences illustrated below.
Xbox Live Refugees:
A loud and brash race, Xbox Livies (official term) are a firm believer of the philosophical point of view that there are no girls on the internet. In the rare occasion that Xbox Live players encounter a girl they'll proceed to swarm in an attempt to prove their frat boy manliness leading to the girl being driven off the game, completing the ever lasting sausage fest that is Xbox Live. With the Wii's strong female demographic, it is predicted that most Xbox players will have a nervous break down as they realizes they can only sleaze onto so many girls in a 24 hour period, cripling their 'pimping' ego. Guys aren't out of the clear either though, expect every single slight mistake to be blown out for proportion 12 times over while also learning new things your mother can do for money.
Playstation 3 Expatriates:
While Playstation 3 users can be mistaken to be similar breed to Xbox Livies in their hunger for the biggest explosion ever, they are actually a very downtrodden people. Between buggy software, economic depression through console pricing, and that the fabled HOME has still not come out, thus stopping PS3 players escaping from their problems into a digital life. However unlike Xbox Livies, PS3 players have become incredibly good are arguing with lengthy explanations that are impossible to understand. This is mainly due to the only way that the Sony platform in general can be justified and it's problems explained is through lengthy explanations no one understands.
There is also a third group you may encounter:
Portable console players are typically poor and have only bought a Wii so they can screen bigger than three inches. These people are not worth talking to and are best avoided or they will steal your credit card and Pay Pal details.
Dealing with New Wii Gamers Over Voicechat
Despite any negative connotations you might have felt in the above descriptions, the fact is these players are people too, and it's your duty to help them integrate. However chances are they won't respond well to the Zen like perfection attitude of most Wii players and must be handled on their own terms. Here's a quick guide for situations you may encounter and the best way to resolve them.
1 - Having someone pay you out for messing up a gameplay move
Chance of happening - 47% The people who do this are typically quite slow in the head with short attention spans. While you may cop an ear full of abuse if you just sit there, a much better way is to rapidly say soothing phrases like 'chill man' and 'it's all good'. The beasts bitter rage will be soothed and it's mind will move on to other things. While the beast is lulled in to a temporary sense of false security, this is an excellent time to team kill them. Repeat above steps until the beast finally gets so confused with his/her changing emotions that they finally leave the game.
2 - Having someone make a comment about your dear sweet mother
Chance of happening - 39% First off, don't try and defend your mother. It's too direct and boarder line impossible. While your mum may be cool, no language exists to convey the concept properly. Instead, play on the fact that their mum probably didn't love them. Perhaps mention Christmas, when you ran downstairs to find that train set you always wanted at the base off the tree. Or that time she saw how badly you wanted a Nintendo 64 and bought it for you. The person on the other person will most likely respond in an abusive manner, but over time it will slowly eat them up and destroy their life, eventually being arrested for dealing drugs, keeping them off voice chat for life. If however your mum didn't love you, don't go making jokes otherwise the above will no doubt happen to you.
3 - Having someone on your team with a feedback loop between their speakers and microphone
Chance of happening - 88% Mic/Speaker feedback is a more common and equally annoying variant of 'heavy breathing into the mic' syndrome, along with 'doesn't realize people can hear him eat' disorder. While you may be tempted to start screaming stuff like 'Move your mic' or 'Dude, you're too close to the speakers', it is a futile effort. Instead, this the time to really decide if online gaming is for you. If you're someone to sit at a table and stare intently at people when chewing with their mouth open, until the social situation is so awkward the night is ruined, then online gaming isn't for you. I hear Action Girlz Racing is a decent offline game...
4 - Someone is nice to you, works with others as a team, and is full of great laughs
Chance of happening - 22% Mute them, people like that don't exist in online gaming and anyone who is like this clearly is hiding the urge to kill you and can only do you harm in the long run.
5 - Have someone call you 'Gay'
Chance of happening - 99.99999999999% Regardless of the facts, chances are whoever has dished out this one isn't interested in your sexual preferences. First off, don't be clever and respond with something like 'you're a homophobe' or 'what if I am gay'. Instead, simply and calmly explain the facts.
They are killing the video game industry.
How? Video gaming used to be intelligent, daring, and willing risk a dud game in the pursuit of an original inspired idea. However gaming is now a mass market product, being pushed to grow. Unfortunately there are only a finite number of intelligent people on the planet, and with ongoing growth push the industry has had to turn to the less intelligent. By running around calling people gay, your online friend is creating a bigger haven for this group of people who aren't interested in an original idea, instead being into how many times a character can swear in a single line of dialogue. As this goes on, eventually the industry will be filled with shovelware games full of swearing and violence with lots lens flares everywhere. All because someone called someone else gay in voice chat. Scary stuff right? So as a rule of thumb, hunt and kill anyone who pays out with the term 'gay' or face the end of the universe.
However absolutely none of this matters because chances are no one will be bothered with the friend code system and your WiiSpeak will just sit on the TV gathering dust. We hope this has been an informative read.
Topic: Introduction to Voice Chat (Read 17612 times)
