Just got off the phone with Iwata then, I wasn't suposed to do this but I'm so excited. This is what the Nintendo Conference is going to be.
The small media contingent shuffle into the auditorium. As they enter they pass through a hallway lit only by UV light. And Attendant presents them all with their namebadge in this light. Printed in magic ink are their names and organisation. "A cool touch" remarks one to his friend. Matt IGN who overhears, yells "GIMMICK YOU MEAN! TYPICAL NINTENDO S*** LOL!" in reply. Matt then trips over, dropping his steak "F*** this light! Where the f*** is my steak?" Ignoring him, people find their way to their seats, GoHobo is agitated, fiercely gaurding the two empty seats next to him. "F**OFF, I GOT THREE TICKETS!" he prepares to yell but no one wants to endure his stench anyway, so he remains silent.
The stage is dim. The year there are no speakers blaring Nintendo remixes and or pop music, the scene is marked only by it's deafening silence and the pitch darkness broken only by a solitary UV light, illuminating the journalist's nametags alonge with white shirts, shoelaces, bleached hair and the teeth of both journalists who bothered to brush.
A sad song begins to play and in the dim light you can make out 6 men carrying what appears to be a coffin. Light gradually fades in and people's suspicians are confirmed. The giant projector behind the stage is turned on showing a close up view of the ceremony for the benefit of those watching at home and people with bad seats. The pallbearors gently lower the open casket on the stage and silently walk away, the music stops and a camera suspended from the ceiling captures the moment for the projector. It moves over the casket but is too out of focus and the room too dark to make out what is in. Slowly the view zooms in and tightens it's focus the lights are turn brighter, inside the casket is; a PSP.
Before any nervous giggles can start suddenly the projector bursts into life, with voice acted footage from the new Trauma Center game.
"Such a shame"
"Yeah, although I felt he hever really had a hope of making it alive."
*sigh* "What was the time of death"
"Uh, let me check, 11:4-"
"NO"
"wha-"
"IT WAS IWATA TIME!"
FIREWORKS ERUPT FROM THE STAGE the flares hitting the fabric the video was being displayed on, setting it alight. With the aid of the metholated spirits if was doused in before hand it quickly burns away, revealing Reggie with Iwata sitting ON HIS SHOULDERS! Iwata's fists are clenched in defiance as Reggie effortlessly strides forward to center stage with him.
Reggie puts Iwata down and glares at the casket witht he PSP in it. "THIS FUNERAL IS OVER!" He announces. And with that he picks up the casket and THROWS it into an open furnace that was sitting on the side of the stage the whole time without anyone noticing.
"IF YOU LOOK AT YOUR NAMETAGE, YOU WILL NOTICE THAT YOUR NAME IS NO LONGER THERE" Reggie pauses for dramatic effect asthe nerds look at their nametags, not noticing that the UV light had been turned off. "I TOOK THEM" Reggie explains.
It's Iwata's time now. "Now there have been some rumours on the internets, I wourd rike to address them"
"First of arru somebody has been saying that there will be a sequel to Tairues of Symphonia rereased on Wii. Weru I am prouwd to announce tale Tairues of Phantasia wirru be rereased on the Virtuaru Consorue… in Japan" At this shockingly dissapointing announcement, the RPG fan contingent will gasp and run out of the room in tears. Iwata will laugh to himself for about 3 minutes.
"Now that the faggots have reft, I feeru I can continue. Here are some of the games we are making, prease enjoy." On a SECOND projector sheet, behind the original one a trailer reel begins to play with quick clips of all the games we all know about, Phantom Hourglass, Forever Blue, Disaster: Day of Crisis, blah blah blah you know the drill. As the video seemingly begins to wind down, suddenly footage of NEW MAREIO CART (the official name) is shown, causing screams of glea from the crowd. Just as it's getting good a tearing sound is heard, the video is cut short as Reggie RIPS HIS WAY THROUGH THE SECOND PROJECTOR SHEET.
"HAY IWATA IWATA CHECK OUT THIS S*** I JUST FOUND IN THE BIN!"
"what is it"
And FROM HIS POCKET Reggie pulls out the Halo 3 Edition Xbox 360. He quickly proceedes to DROK KICK the machine into the furnace.
Iwata takes over again as Reggie wanders off. "Arso another rumour was that we wourd be bringing back a dead franchise. I got my friend Miyamoto to make this one, so maybe he can come out and tark about it" Miyamoto comes out to a rockstars welcome, sercurity is employed to keep the fanboys restrained, one crowd surfer is dragged out of teh auditorium and beaten.
"Herro, did you arr enjoy my games?"
"Yes yes I am very happy today to say that I make a new game from old franchise. For over 24 months now, Donkey Kong Jungru Beat has been dead. WERR NOT ANYMORE!"
With the flagship, blockbuster game announced, what could be left in the conference? How could it get any better many wondered. Reggie returns to teh stage, this time accompanyed by George Harrison.
"ALLRIGHT LISTEN GEORGIE, I WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN TO ALL THE NAMELESS PEOPLE HERE WHY YOU'VE CHOSEN TO LEAVE NINTENDO"
"Oh well see uh um that als-"
He doesn't finish as Reggie has KICKED HIS ARSE, sending him flying clear of the stage in into the Miyamoto's moshpit of Journos.
"THIS CONFERENCE IS OVER" Reggie announces. Everyone leaves shaking.