Topic: Your writing assignment for this month.

[UncleBob]

You are to pretend you are from an alien race not too-unlike our own.  The major difference between the alien race and our human race is that the alien race has long since evolved from the need to dispose of bodily waste - the concept is completly foreign to them.

Now, as a member of this alien race, you're sent on a quick first survey mission to spy on the human race to see if these humans are worth trying to contact, conquer or if it's just best to ignore them.

During your visual survey of the human race from space, you witness multiple humans going to the restroom.

You are assigned to write a "Report" to the Big Giant Head.  Describe to him visually what these humans doing, what you think the purpose for these actions are and how they will relate to the decision of future relations with the human species.

[Caliban]

Rather than do all that boring stuff you want us to do, I would kill you instantly!

[Khushrenada]

Pfff. I'm not in school anymore. I don't need to do any assignment man! I'm just going to wing it.

The human being, or using the technical term they use to describe themselves , homo sapien, seems to care very much for their envioronment. These Homo Sapiens seem to have evolved with the ability to water and fertalize their envioronments. In fact, other creatures on this planet all seem to have such a capability.

To keep from unevenly spreading this nutrient feast all over this planet they call Earth, otherwise known by us as Planet of the Apes, they deposit it in many different nutrient containers which strangely then deposits these nutrients into their own drinking water. Perhaps even the human beings, I mean Homo Sapiens, benefit from this double dipping as it were. Though that seems unlikely. Taking a tour of one of the collection facilities, called a sewage treatment plant, they had a vat of this brown waste and warned that if you fell in, you would be sucked to the bottom and choke to death.

One final observation. There seems to be a miracle elixer which helps the Homo Sapien species create more liquid nutrient faster, It is called "Beer". And it seems the more they drink of it, the more they make liquid nutrient. In fact, it is so potent that sometimes nutrient comes from their mouths. A very rare and potent mix.

In conclusion, aside from two reasons listed below, I recommand that we bring our super weapon, code-named The Millenium Falcon, and transport it here at warp speed 9. Then, after bringing up the 6000 year-old machines we deposited under the crust of the earth (you know, the ones with the heat rays) and obliterating the Homo Sapien species, the Millenium Falcon will deposit all those black monolithy things it makes on the moon. By forming these "monoliths" together, we will finally have a satellite that can allow us to finally set up a network to play World of Warcraft wherever one is located in the universe. As you say Big Giant Head, "It's good to play together."

Now the two reasons. First is a strange device called a Wii though some insist to call it a Revolution. Why some would insist to call it the name of the universe's most famous whore instead of the name of our royal family is unknown. What is known is that it is a fascinating peice of technology that deserves to be furthered studied before the destruction mentioned above.

The second reason to hold of destruction is from a wonderful natural resource called crack cocaine. IT IS AMAZING. We are currently trying to gather all we can of this precious resource and have even hired many humans in our efforts. What is most amazing is combining the Wii and crack together. We also hope to do more studies on this. Finally, I would just like to add that crack cocaine helped me write this report so that's another example of how powerful it is.

[Khushrenada]

No one is going to read that post above. No one.

[UncleBob]

Heh... I like the nutrient recycling idea.

Quote
Originally posted by: Caliban
Rather than do all that boring stuff you want us to do, I would kill you instantly!

Bah!  If I were giving away a DSLite, you'd be all over entering.

[nickmitch]

What?!? There's a DSLite involved?? Count me in!!
I'll have it for you by the end of the week!!

[ShyGuy]

Somebody's been watching 3rd Rock from the Sun

[UncleBob]

Yay!  Someone got the BGH reference!

Actually, I haven't seen 3rd Rock since it was on in new episodes years ago...

[Frozen Atlantic]

"Why some would insist to call it the name of the universe's most famous whore instead of the name of our royal family is unknown."

LOL

[couchmonkey]

Frozen Atlantic stole my comment!  And yes, I read all of Khushrenada's post.  I will try to write my own.

[Caliban]

Quote
Originally posted by: Khushrenada
No one is going to read that post above. No one.

You're right!

Quote
Originally posted by: UncleBob
Bah! If I were giving away a DSLite, you'd be all over entering.

Not really. However what you read on my first post is my essay for you, why should I give a report when I can have some fun anihilating the human species. 3rd Rock From The Sun Rules!

[wandering]

Report on the disposal of bodily waste in humans:

As we have suspected, the human species has a need to dispose of "bodily waste" in the primitive and inefficient manner of most of the species on the planet. After nutrition is digested (with the various internals we've studied in our dissections), unwanted material is filtered out and expelled through an opening in the animal. From my observations, the humans don't even reuse their waste for anything useful - instead, it is carefully contained and removed from their presence with a simple contraption utilizing water, gravity, and pipes. They even have a rudimentary method for removing bacteria from their hands afterwards - though the subject that I'm spying on, codenamed "UncleBob", never seems to use it.

The process is as disgusting as you can imagine. I'm glad we've long evolved from the need to dispose of our waste. I'm also glad we've gained the ability to remain motionless for long periods of time - spying on our subjects would be much harder otherwise.

What is interesting is that the humans seem to assume that, upon witnessing their bodily disposal, aliens would somehow misinterpret what was going on in a humorous fashion. This is because they themselves often misinterpret even the simplest phenomena - and cannot even imagine aliens that are less stupid than they are. When we rise up and destroy them all, they will be easy prey.

I believe I have accomplished all that I can during my observation of UncleBob. Like most humans, the affection he feels towards his "teddy bear" has lead him to never so much as suspect he was under surveillance. I will begin the dissection part of the study tomorrow night.

I know you may be concerned, Big Head, that my sending this report to you through an "internet forum" he frequents will lead him to suspect something. But I assure you, he has no idea I telepathically compelled him to create this forum topic. And I've been posting as "wandering" with my furry paws on his computer for months, so he'll just assume this post is just a joke from another forum member. He won't even begin to suspect his harmless teddy bear until it's too late.

Your servant, earth team member 35,231,451.  

[couchmonkey]

REPORT 5100286-@#

PROJECT: Galaxy Fred, System Engelbert, Habitated Planet Rapunzel

AGENT: 5589-4560011, Axipiti Nyzarg-Jones

STATUS REPORT

All hail the Big Giant Head!

We have observed creatures on the planet using a strange form of physical communication.  They expell liquid or solid matter from hole(s) usually located somewhere between the hind legs.  The liquid matter often comes from the same hole as reproductive material, but has no reproductive properties.

This style of communication is similar to leaving a sign or message behind: it allows the animal sending the message to leave it in a spot for other animals to pick up when they are in the vicinity.

Humans, which appear to be one of the more evolved species on the planet, have developed entire shrines around this form of communication.  Although they appear to have other methods of leaving messages behind, they still spend a fair amount of time leaving messages in these shrines, sometimes labelled "bathrooms", "washrooms", "lavatories", or "johns".  Having a centralized location for message-leaving allows humans to pass on messages to a large number of recipients, and it is common for all humans in a building to visit the message shrine at least once during the time they are there.  Some will visit the shrine several times in a span of hours.

Based on the genders we have identified so far, shrines appear to be seperated this way in public areas, which limits the ability to send "love letters" through this form of communication, although other animals seem to consider this a particularly beautiful and poetic mating ritual, with males often using the liquid-material messages to attract females.  Also in public message shrines, the male gender has two different types of message-sending receptacles instead of one.  This seems to correspond with their differently-shaped message-sending/reproductive implements, and may be a simple time-saving measure.  Some message shrines, particularly in private buildings, are available to all humans.

Some humans also engage in direct speech-based communication while in the message shrine, but this seems to be secondary, and some humans discourage this activity.  Perhaps it offends their sense of traditionalism to send ordinary messages in this primitive but more sanctified setting. Humans normally engage in ritualistic hand washing after sending their messages, and the messages are washed away, normally by water, but the essence of the message remains (study suggests the creatures can at least smell the message for a period of time after it is removed, and other senses may be involved too).

Occassionally, humans engage in sending messages outside of the shrines, but this seems to be antisocial behaviour, not unlike a psychopath talking to itself, unaware of its surroundings.  This type of behaviour is often concealed from other humans.  These wasted messages are regarded with distaste by humans, as are messages from other species.  Humans that live with other animals may build a separate, less-adorned shrine for the other animals or force the other animals to send messages outside of their buildings.  Another example of the stubborn refusal at communication between species on planet Rapunzel.

We intend to study this form of communication further as it may prove to be a useful message-encoding tool for any resistance planet Rapunzel offers to our impending invasion.  Our other studies continue on schedule, with nothing of interest to report at this time.

[ThePerm]

You are to pretend you are from an alien race not too-unlike our own.  The major difference between the alien race and our human race is that the alien race has long since evolved from the need to dispose of bodily waste - the concept is completly foreign to them.

Now, as a member of this alien race, you're sent on a quick first survey mission to spy on the human race to see if these humans are worth trying to contact, conquer or if it's just best to ignore them.

During your visual survey of the human race from space, you witness multiple humans going to the restroom.

You are assigned to write a "Report" to the Big Giant Head.  Describe to him visually what these humans doing, what you think the purpose for these actions are and how they will relate to the decision of future relations with the human species.

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