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Nintendo in Retrograde

by James Jones - November 4, 2013, 4:15 pm EST
Total comments: 10

The movements of Kyoto relative to the Zodiac dictate all boneheaded corporate decisions

I'm eternally unable to finish writing anything unless I find it utterly perfect. This almost always results in long writing cycles and discarded works. I've decided to challenge myself, in an attempt to break these barriers. My intent is to write small essays (limit of 300 words) about topics I’m not inclined to write about. Hopefully this process does not cause so much mental anguish that I never attempt this again.

Last week Mercury went into retrograde, and as the planet that governs transportation and communication, we should have foreseen this. 

Nintendo, no doubt feeling the effects of the Sol System's smallest planet, decided now was the moment to cut the 3DS primary peer-to-peer communication utility – Swapnote (Letter Box if you live outside God's chosen country). Astrology offers the only acceptable solution as to why Nintendo, a company historically not afraid of their own shadow – but rather afraid of the threat of one, decided to turn off the service years after launch. 

3D photography of human anatomy is hardly unforeseeable – and Nintendo’s historical preference to insulate itself from risk in ways that seem downright paranoid means they could not have been unaware of this eventual outcome. The only tantalizing clue we have is their press statement, which includes the following morsel: 

"Nintendo has learned that some consumers, including minors, have been exchanging their friend codes on Internet bulletin boards and then using Swapnote... to exchange offensive material" (emphasis added). 

Never mind that "Internet bulletin boards" sounds like an option you could select in a late-90s Internet2TV set-top box. This statement seems almost quaint in how horribly dated it comes across. There are minors on the Internet? Message boards allow people to exchange friend codes with strangers? The Internet is full of sexual deviants? 

I'm admittedly curious to see how far they recede back into their shells after this incident. Nintendo of the Swapnote/Miiverse era seemed positively progressive – providing peer2peer and mass communication utilities. I presume that now if I want to post a Wii U screenshot I'll need to get a cavity search. 

Don't worry; Mercury will be returning to normal motion on November 10. If the Miiverse makes it that long, it's safe until 2014.


RazorkidNovember 04, 2013

Well done, Mr. Jones. Well done.

I'm stupidly happy with this.

ShyGuyNovember 04, 2013

This article reads like it was written in 15 minutes during the commercials! I keed, I keed, but it does need more bearorrists

I wish Pluto was still a planet. :(

StratosNovember 04, 2013

It is still a planet in our hearts.

It was written in 40 minutes.

Which is the point. Keep the idea short, keep the writing window compact. Work the idea but don't feel compelled to cut all the meat off the bones.

azekeNovember 04, 2013

Square Enix relocated their offices based fortune teller advice.

PS It took me 20 seconds to remember write this fact down.

ClexYoshiNovember 06, 2013

I look forward to when you force Gui to read about this article during Now playing.

Oh, did he ever.

ShyGuyDecember 04, 2013

It's been a month. Time for a new James Jones napkin scribble?

Work that idea and keep it short!

Wrote one - didn't like it.
Started two - couldn't finish in the time limit

Then it was time for Powered Off, which I turned in last night.

I'll work on one this weekend.

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