The "z" makes it hip.
I have been thinking of coming up with a suitable formula for shovelware. The number of corporate logos I see before the game actually begins is directly proportional to the amount of times I will find myself wanting to vomit and inversely proportional to the amount of fun I’ll have. At least with the game itself. I always try to make all of my reviewing experiences fun in many ways.
Okay. So first off the game starts with 4 corporate logos. I haven’t finished my formula’s scale yet, but the situation already doesn’t look good. Following that sequence, I am treated to what sounds like punk rock and lyrics about cell phones and shopping. Upon entering the game proper, I am prompted to enter my name. I choose a name suitable of my temperamental disposition at this time. Now, successive game startups proudly display that this game belongs to “ASSMEAT.” Good show, Jeff. Good show.
The storyline goes thusly: a Troll girl wakes up and receives a call from her four friends, and they talk about what they did the day before. This is where you come in and play the various minigames, which I’ll get into later. Anyway, they run off to school (every step being one tedious minigame after another) until they find out “the boys” have been accused of cheating, and naturally, that leads to being shipped off to military school which means, in addition to training them to become gruesome killing machines, their hair will be cut off. Yep. That’s the plot. Even stranger is that “the boys” seem to be only one boy troll named Coal. And if saving Coal’s coif entails more of these dumb minigames, his follicles are as good as severed.
The minigames are as follows:
I’m sure your excitement is absolutely palpable right now. Oh, but it gets worse. Later, the girls’ magic gets stolen by some guy whose name isn’t important enough to remember, and you ask a witch to help. She suggests that you go back in time before it happens and stop it. Sounds good, right? But the time travel takes you all the way back to the beginning of the game. Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Yes ma'am, you repeat every minigame you just played to get back to the time What’s-His-Name took your magic away.
And that’s it. There is something about earning uhh… “Trollars” for the official Trollz website, but I don’t think they are adequate replacements for real dollars in a real wallet. This game appears to be a tie-in to a cartoon I’m not even sure exists, but it's definitely based on those weird troll dolls with the big hair that I remember seeing once upon a time. It’s a tie-in to another tie-in, and a boring one at that.
