A lot of people have been emailing you about Zelda this week, but I want to email you about Metroid: Other M. And while you were sitting back in a comfy robe with a lit cigar, monitoring E3 at your leisure, I was really there (though if you did manage to sneak in, I’d have liked to meet you). I got to try out some of Nintendo’s bigger offerings at the event, and concerning Other M, you really hit the nail on the head.

Unfortunately I went into the demonstration already kind of hating Samus. This is because while waiting in line for the game, we had to stand by a television that looped the game’s opening story scenes over and over. Ones showing her encounter with Mother (time to go!), mulling around back at the base, and then answering a distress call in space. She just constantly narrates over all of it, and it sounds horrible. She sounds like a depressed teenager writing a diary, but she pretends it’s going to be a famous book someday. And the way she constantly refers to the Metroid as “the baby” is annoying as all get out. It’s as if they’re trying to make her say “baby” as much as possible. For example, the distress signal Samus picks up is called “baby’s cry” since, as she explains at length, “Baby’s cry. It’s a distress signal that indicates great urgency. It brings about the image of a baby crying in need. Baby’s cry…” Yeah thanks Samus, I think I figured that one out now.

What was really interesting about the Other M demo was the setup. Unlike the other game booths, this one had surround sound headphones to wear and dividers between the players. They really wanted to stress the immersion I guess. Admittedly, the actual gameplay was rather fun, if not a little too simple. With the new setup, the game has become more about shooting like crazy while trying not to run into enemies, since you usually get attacked by large groups of small fry, and your gun auto aims. The stage itself seemed pretty linear, though it’s like just because it’s the game’s opening area, and being a demo it just may be unfinished.

But oh man, then the cut scenes come back in. You stumble onto the galactic emissary crew or whoever, the group Samus was with before being let go and becoming a bounty hunter (I’m giving these details to build up to something in a little bit). Even when talking to people, cut scenes become huge Samus soliloquies. A guy will say one thing, and Samus will go off on a huge narration about it. The black guy comes up saying something like “Hey, remember me? Long time no see, princess.” And then we get to hear Samus narrate “There was only one man at the galactic federdation who would call me ‘princess,’ and that man was Anthony Higgs. Blah blah blah…” Then Adam comes up, Samus’ old boyfriend or whoever, who’s a complete prick of course, will just say “What are you doing here?” and we get another Samus narration “That’s just like how Adam would greet me, so cold and sterile. Blah blah blah blah blah…” What’s really funny is to think of how they’re all just standing around while she’s thinking of all of this.

Now here’s the great part. The amazingly advanced galactic federation guys can’t open a door, so Samus uses a missile to blow it open. Of course two-dimensional prick Adam gives Samus a dirty look over this before the crew leaves. And here it is. Once the game resumes, a message comes up saying “Samus has decided not to use missiles or bombs until Adam authorizes them.” What the hell!? I sure as hell didn’t decide that! Why is Samus telling me how to play the game? And furthermore, why does she care? She was let go of the galactic whoevers and became a bounty hunter. She should be able to use whatever weapons she wants. Moreover, I should be able to use whatever weapons I want! If I have missiles, I damn well want to use them! I don’t give a crap what Adam thinks of it.

Anyway, eventually you get to a boss battle, and this glorious. Cut scenes will actually interrupt the battle to tell you how to beat the boss. Since we’d all be too stupid to figure it out ourselves. They have to make sure they show that the other galactic crew will freeze segments of the boss for you to blow up with your missiles (which prick Adam decides to let you use). Of course then the boss battle becomes a big yawn, since it’s just doing basic actions over and over.

After the demo ended, the Nintendo rep asked me what I thought of it. And I have to give Nintendo credit, after playing their games the representatives asked you what you thought of them. They were especially interested in asking me about Zelda’s visual style, for example. Anyway, I told the guy the gameplay itself was pretty fun, but the cut scenes really dragged on and bogged things down. He paused for a second and I could tell he wasn’t expecting that, then he just said “Well, you gotta start somewhere.” I felt a little bad so I thanked him and went off.

But yeah, that was my Other M experience. The cut scenes really drag down what would otherwise be a decently fun action game. I dunno what it is, but between this and the new Kid Icarus, it seems like Nintendo has a hell of a time hiring good voice talent (besides Mario games of course, but then those are mere soundbytes for the most part). Despite hating the story scenes and voice acting, I think I’m still on the fence about it, since it has the potential to be a fun game regardless.

But it’s definitely no Metroid, that much is true.

I know you people hate Malstrom but this is an email from someone else: