Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

I'm posting this joke in relations to something Unclebob said in the "Rules don't apply to me" thread

When Size Really Does Become An Issue!

A guy  with a 25-inch weiner went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do  anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can  help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The  witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask  her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your  member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked  her, "Will you marry me?"

"No!" she said.

He lost 5  inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry  me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He  thought, 15 inches is great!  But 10 inches would just be  perfect.

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog  said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Doing The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F-ING DISHES!!"


Happy Mothers Day!!  

[BlackNMild2k1]

What Its Like To No Longer Be TOO HUMAN

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Pillsbury Passes Away

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following
news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described
Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old
man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children,
John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for
about 20 minutes.

His last performance, but not how he will be remembered.  <--- un-released, un-rated and uncensored.
watch at own risk.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

You might not get this one if you don''t live in California, but you can replace them with something local

ISRAELI QUARTERBACK

Al Davis has put together the perfect Raiders team for the '98-'99 season. The only thing he's missing is a super bowl caliber quarterback. Jeff George has been too inconsistent. He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but can't seem to find a ringer quarterback and all of the best ones were taken in the draft by other teams.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away -- ka-BOOM! Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour --bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't vant to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

[vudu]

Quote
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

I thought this was going somewhere else ....

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Elevator - a third worlders experieince


A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Pending Marriage


My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me. It was her
beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One
day "little" sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, we are very happy that you have passed
our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car........

[BlackNMild2k1]

1st of all, no offense to any one that this might offend, its just a joke.

Cross Country Driving

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, California, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from California.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from California opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.  

[IceCold]

Ha, I have a similar joke, except it's a different situation and it's a Canadian joke. You'll find that mine's much better; I should have written it earlier

BnM's disclaimer applies to this too. I have many **don't read, part of joke**Chinese** friends, so it is just in jest.

---

One day three men were on a boat together. The first was a Canadian, the other a Chinese, and the last one was an American. Along the way, they encountered a problem, as the boat started to sink. Racking their brains, they tried to think of a way out of the dilemma.

The Canadian, who was obviously the smartest of them all, thought of a plan first. He said that, since the boat was sinking, they should lighten their load by throwing certain items out. As each passenger had their own cargo, they decided to go in turn.

The Chinese man was up first. Quickly, he told the others, "Throw these illegal DVDs away; we have too many in China, we don't need them anymore.."

The American man was next. The gears in his brain creaked and started moving slowly. After a while, though, he had an epiphany, and said, "Throw away these guns. We have too many in America, we don't need them anymore.."

Finally, it was the Canadian's turn. He thought for a bit ... and then he threw the Chinese man overboard.

[EasyCure]

Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1
1st of all, no offense to any one that this might offend, its just a joke.

We Have So Many of These Things

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, California, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

saw the punchline coming a mile away ;-)

[BlackNMild2k1]

Ethel The Speed Demon

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

         Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

     One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice.
   "Have you got a license for that thing?"

  Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

     As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

   Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

  Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

  As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

     "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"  

[BlackNMild2k1]

LOGIC: South Texas Style

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" >

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
 

[SgtShiversBen]

I'd say that's about right

[UltimatePartyBear]

Quite a few of these telegraphed the punchline, but that last one got me good.  I own a weedeater, by the way.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Quote
Originally posted by: PartyBear
Quite a few of these telegraphed the punchline, but that last one got me good.  I own a weedeater, by the way.

exactly what do you mean by that? did the title give them away? If so let me know which ones, and I will change the title.

"We have so many of these things" I thought that might be a little too descriptive, but I  posted it in a rush just b4 leaving for work. I should change it now.

[UltimatePartyBear]

Quote
Originally posted by: BlackNMild2k1

exactly what do you mean by that? did the title give them away? If so let me know which ones, and I will change the title.

I just meant that sometimes it's easy to predict a joke's punchline based on the wording of the joke itself, especially in print.  Some of these follow familiar archetypes, too.  There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it makes the ones that catch me off guard all the better.

[BlackNMild2k1]

*DISCLAIMER: Its just a joke*

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why?? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Since its rumored that there really are no "females" on PGC, I'll post these jokes.
This rumor can of course be put to rest with the simple inclusion of A/S/L/Pic into my PM box

A few jokes for the only female(?) on PGC...



How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things " that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

----------------------------------------- ------ --------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Quote
Originally posted by: TVman
That's putting a woman a woman in her place.
No, really, it is. Very sexist and offensive.

By all of which I of course mean hilarious

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Lexus Owning Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus,
which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the
body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. ...............

"MY ROLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Hospital Chatter

Two little boys are in the hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room of a hospital

The first kid leans over and asks, " What are you in here for ? "

The second kid says, " I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. "

The first kid says, " You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of  JELL-O and ice cream. It's a breeze !! "

The second kid then asks, " What are you here for ? "

The first kid says, " A circumcision. "

And the second kid says,  " WHOA !! Good luck buddy.  I had that done when I was born..... COULDN'T WALK FOR A YEAR !!! "

[BlackNMild2k1]

Monkey See....... Monkey Doo

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"

"He isn't going to eat the cue-ball is he?", asked the bartender.

"No he's over that.", explained the guy.

Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.

"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom.

"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.

"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."
 

[vudu]

It's spelled cue.

[couchmonkey]

I didn't see that coming, but I did worry about how hard it'd be to pass the cue ball.

[BlackNMild2k1]

How To Call The Police (another true story)

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"