Topic: Dying relatives

[TJ Spyke]

Has anyone here had to deal with a close relative dying? My father was diagnosed with salivary cancer a year ago (we think he had it longer than that, but he refused to tell us) and his condition started becoming worse, to the point where he was bedridden and being fed with a tube.  Two days ago he was hospitalized after having a stroke and a seizure. Today my family got terrible news when the doctor said that he estimates my dad has less than two weeks to live. I am not afraid to admit that I had to hold back tears when I heard this (and had some while typing this, especially since I am only 23 and don't want to lose him so soon). I have never had anyone really close to me die before. I am not trying to get any sympathy, I just wanted to see how other people here have dealt with someone close to them dying.

[BeautifulShy]

Hmm the only one that has died in my family that I was close to was my Grandfather. He died a few years ago.He was 87 I believe. He had Parkinsons disease and I think type 2 Diabetes. Very bad combo to have.

I was there by his bed when he died. Very hard to take in.

How I dealt with it was to try to make my grandfather proud of what I would do with my life. I would try to do some things he wanted me to finish. The pain doesn't go away. Here is what I did after he died. I think there was like a few months of accepting that he died. I tend to keep my emotions bottled up so I needed alot of time to express all of the feelings.

After that I think I looked at what he did in his life and remembered what he did. Then I tried to work towards some goals for myself.

Even now I am remembering him.So it doesn't go away fully.

[broodwars]

My grandmother died about 3-4 years ago, a person I was always close to (which I think my mother secretly resented, since I was always "the favorite").  No matter what I did or how I screwed up, she was always happy just to be there.  We used to spend hours just sitting in front of the TV watching old episodes of I Love Lucy.  I still have and use the Utah Jazz Afghan she made me by hand.  She was a stubborn old bird, too, always refusing to leave her little house to come down and live with us in Florida despite making the trip every Christmas to come and see us and enjoy the Candlelight Processional at EPCOT.  Despite having the inner strength to quit smoking cold turkey (she made her new obsession cooking and eating, something we all appreciated), decades of smoking caught up to her and she developed emphysema.  After years of fighting it with medications and breathing apparatus, she died quietly in her little home in Utah one day while my mother was attending to her.  Her death hit me pretty hard at the time, as she was one of the strongest people I ever knew and one of the few "family" I had left that I knew outside of those I lived with (long story).

It is because of her that I will not take any excuse someone tells me of why they just can't quit smoking.  She did it on her own when she was in her late 50s/early 60s.  No gum, no patches, no therapy.  Smoking can and will kill you ever so slowly, and it will take its toll on the lives of everyone around you.

[ThePerm]

My grandmother died on July 27th, about 12 days ago. We took her to lunch about 6 weeks ago, yesterday I was carrying her Urn out from my aunts house to the car. That was pretty much why I didn't play the last mafia game, wasn't sure if I'd have to quit in the middle of the game because of family stuff.

[TJ Spyke]

My mother has been considering cremation for various reasons, one of them (not the only) being that it is cheaper than a burial. I read that is why more and more people are actually choosing cremation.

[Caliban]

My grandfather had Alzheimer, and it got really bad close to the end. It's possible he had it way before it had been diagnosed, or spotted by us because the randomness of speech, and loss of memory just started to be noticed when it was happening quite often. He was a cool grandfather. My mom, uncles, and aunts cried at the funeral. I, my brother (he was the closest to him in all of my family I think), and my cousins did not cry. I think we we're just content that he didn't have to suffer anymore.

[TheBlackCat]

I have one grandparent left.  The rest died a while ago, the most recent one over a decade ago.

[apdude]

Not a relitive, but about 11 years ago I found out that I had a childhood friend of my whom I had sort of lost contact with diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I was in college at the time but we were going into holiday break, I took the opportunity to reconnect with him.  At first it was difficult to see him in that condition and felt somewhat guilty of not being a better friend the prior few years.  But I took the Holiday break to hang out and catch up and it was almost like it was when we were kids.  He ended up dying about a month after I returned back to college which definitely was quite a hard blow, but I was so glad I had that second chance and hopefully give him some fun during his final weeks.  His mother ended up giving me a box of some of his stuff like the silly home movies we made with his brother and other firends and a comedy tape he made in high school.  I still watch or listen to them every once in a while.

[TJ Spyke]

A sad update. My father passed away at 11:55 PM last night (a little weird since he was born on 11/11/55). I guess it's actually a blessing though as he was really suffering near the end, and my uncle (his brother) was with him when it happened, which I know he wanted since he didn't want to die alone. Although I did cry after it happened, for the most part I am doing OK and trying to keep strong because my mother really needs help right now with stuff like letting his family and former co-workers know, getting the death certificate, etc. I really admire what my mom plans to do, she is asking that instead of sending flowers, people should make a donation to the American Cancer Society instead.

[Halbred]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Spyke. :-(

My wife made an excellent point the other day. As I've said before, she thinks about death way too much, but she said we're much more humane with dogs and cats than humans. We're basically not allowed to put humans out of their misery, but when we put our blind, cancer-ridden, atrophied-limbed dog down last year, we knew it was the right decision for us AND the dog.

Both of my grandfathers died of heart problems brought on by a combination of stress and smoking. One of my grandmothers is in the early stages of dimensia, and the other grandmother is smart as a tack but deteriorating physically. My wife and I will have to deal with her grandparents passing before too long, though, which is not a fun notion...

[Sundoulos]

I'm very sorry for your loss as well, TJ Spyke.  It sounds like your dad meant a lot to you and your family, and that can be a rare blessing as well.    You're doing the right thing by being strong for your mom.  With all due respect, for what it may (or may not be) worth to you, I'll pray for you guys during this time.

Halbred, those sorts of issues are tough.   This may not be exactly what you are talking about, but  these days, I always try to advise my married friends to get a living will and/or trust established, particularly if they have children. 

Karin and I did so because we took a cruise last year, and we left our 2 year-old with some relatives.  We wanted to make decisions about his guardianship and financial arrangements in the off-chance that something bad happened to us.   It sounds morose, but it did get my wife and I talking about what we would want during a worst-case scenario, a state where one or both of us could not make medical decisions for ourselves.  I had it written in my living will that, if such an event occurred, I would want the docs to take me off of life support, mainly because I don't want to place the burden of that decision on my family.   Additionally, I don't want to be a financial burden in general, as I'm currently the only source of income we have.  Karin, my wife, disagreed with that decision, but she respected my wishes in the matter.   For her part, she decided to stay on life support and to leave that decision to me; it's sort of a double-standard for me because I think I'd have trouble letting her go in any circumstances.  I pray that I am never faced with that decision.

As for the trust and/or final will...it's important to make arrangements for your beneficiaries; if you don't, there are all sorts of unforseen legal hiccups that can happen with regard to their guardianship and the amount of money they receive after your death.

[Halbred]

I worked at a trust and estate firm for a few months, and a large part of my job was preparing and going over wills and healthcare directives with clients. I really need to make my own documents of this ilk, because I'll die long before my wife does (assuming nobody is hit by a car).

[TheBlackCat]

I'm very sorry, TJ, I know it can't be easy.  I think your mother's suggestion is very good.