This series was originally posted on my now defunct 'Super Mardtendo' blog over on IGN.
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Lesson 1 (March 16 2011) As someone who spends far too much time playing video games, I sometimes worry that my energies are being wasted. After all, how much can we really learn from interacting with virtual characters in virtual worlds? Do our experiences in these virtual worlds have any real world application? Can we learn any lessons from video games, and if so how relevant are they? In order to answer these hard hitting questions I have done some research, the findings of which can be found below.
Double Jumps – During the 1990's the most ubiquitous of video game mechanics was the ability to jump while already in mid-air to get some extra lift. As it turns out the ability to double jump is a logical fallacy which violates fundamental laws of physics. While researching it's potential, I made several attempts to perform a double jump and have concluded that trying to gain upward momentum by trying to jump while already airborne will invariably result in a sore backside.
Eating Mushrooms Makes You Bigger - Much as Pop-eye misled children into believing that eating spinach would give them super human strength, Mario has for the past 25 years filled our heads with promises of magical mushrooms granting us instant growth. Similar to the promises of instant growth currently filling up my junk in-box, this is a tenuous claim. Having done my due diligence by managing to obtain a bag of these magic mushrooms, at this point the results are inconclusive. While I certainly felt higher at the time, my actual height does not appear to have increased, although I do now have a new found admiration for the Beach Boy's 1966 album 'Pet Sounds'. After further research I will report back with my findings.
Press 'X' to not die (quick time events) – There are various situations in video games in which your avatar's life hangs in the balance, determined only by the speed at which you can repeatedly tap a given button, or your ability to distinguish between different Colours or Symbols and press the corresponding button within a determined period of time. In the real world should you find yourself in a knife fight or see a giant boulder rolling towards you, I implore you not to wait for button prompts; but instead to run like your life depends on it, as it probably does.
Stealing – Link from the Legend of Zelda series is often considered an ideal role model for children and adults alike. Apart from being brave and heroic, he is also incredibly selfless and considerate, taking it upon himself to perform even the most mundane of tasks in the pursuit of others' happiness, be it rounding up chickens or delivering letters. Link, however, is not perfect, as even he has certain personal quirks that he struggles with on a daily basis. Some people are arsonists, others are alcoholics. Link, however, is a kleptomaniac. Upon entering any room Link is driven by an almost unstoppable impulse to break every container in sight and pocket any valuables, and has been known to have a particular proclivity for stealing colourful rupees. Although In Hyrulian society this theft is considered to be in the greater good of defeating the Evil Ganon, I have come to find that this defence does not work in the real world judicial system.
Lesson 2 (April 3 2011) Previously on Battlestar Gala...I mean Video Game Lessons, we learnt that Double Jumping defies fundamental laws of physics, that if you're facing a genuine life threatening situation to not wait for button prompts and that although mushrooms will make you high, they will not necessarily make you taller. In this instalment we will continue to pose the question of whether or not lessons learnt in video games can have any real world application. Please Press Start.
Hidden power-ups are everywhere – One of my favourite things about video games is that you can upgrade your character with additional powers and abilities. If video games are to be believed, were you to bomb every wall in your home you'd be pretty much guaranteed to find at least a handful of power-ups. In order to test this I equipped myself with a backpack full of plastic explosive á la John Locke and resolved to unearth some power-ups similar to those found in the Metroid series. After taking out half my kitchen and leaving a smouldering crater where my living room used to be I decided to call it quits, having only found two items which even remotely resembled a Metroidesque power-up. The first 'power-up' that I found was some sort of energy tank branded with the words 'Red Bull'. The second power-up was a suit upgrade which I found at the back of my closet. Although I don't believe this suit upgrade has actually improved my defences or allowed me to withstand extreme temperatures, it might be suitable for job interviews and weddings. All in all, not a bad haul.
Warp Pipes and Magical Flutes – Another fantastical element in video games is the ability to instantly teleport from one area to another. In researching warping in video games I decided to test two of the most prominent methods out, the first being the use of sewers and drainage pipes to warp from one area to the next (Super Mario Bros.), and the second being a magical musical instrument which calls upon birds to lift you off the ground and fly you to another location (Link to the Past) . In attempting the first method I soon realised that either Mario is tiny, or the drainage pipes in the Mushroom Kingdom are huge. In fact, I was given the opportunity to ponder this mystery for many hours while the Fire Department worked to cut me free from the sewage pipe I had gotten myself stuck in. Once I'd showered I then moved on to the second method. Despite spending several hours outside playing jazz flute (the most magical instrument on earth) I was not once plucked from the earth and flown to another location by birds or, indeed, any flying creature. I was at one point hit with some bird droppings but this was probably coincidental.
Food has magical healing properties – Food in video games has long been used as an item to replenish health. What would one of the Belmont's do if they were injured in one of those monster-ridden European castles that they seem to like so much? That's right, they'd whip the nearest wall and scoff down an insect covered piece of rank roast chicken. The same goes for Kirby, except that his world seems filled with delicious treats like pieces of cake and ice cream. In order to test the healing properties of food I first went to the nearest DIY store and purchased a claw hammer, and then proceeded to the nearby KFC to buy a Crispy Strips Meal. After breaking three of the fingers in my right hand I passed out. Upon regaining consciousness I reached for a piece of chicken with my one remaining working hand and began to chow down. I can now confirm with some certainty that food is no substitute for genuine medical attention.
Lesson 3 (May 8 2011) After the previous instalment of Video Game Lessons, in which my experiments left me with a broken hand and a smouldering crater in my living room, I had all but given up hope that video games could have any real world applicability. I had hit rock bottom, I didn't know what to believe. Double-jumps were a fallacy, mushrooms did not make you bigger, sewage pipes were not teleportation hubs and food was no substitute for medical attention. Everything video games had ever taught me was a lie.
I don't know about you, but I refuse to live in a world in which these things don't exist. I want to live in a world in which quick-time events will get me out of a sticky situation and power-ups are just a grapple-beam swing away. Then it hit me. I was sitting there nursing my broken hand when a piece of the ceiling collapsed on my head, no doubt a result of the structural weakness caused by my attempts to find hidden power ups by bombing holes in the walls. However, not only was I struck with a heavy piece of debris, I was also struck with an idea. It was the ultimate test of whether or not video games could be made a reality. What if instead of scientifically testing the mechanics of video games I were to take a test of my own, a test of my faith in the rules and lessons of video games. What if I simply choose to believe that these things were possible. Maybe if I had enough belief these things would become a reality...Yes! That was it. All I needed to do was take a leap of faith. It was then that I decided to investigate that most remarkable of video game mechanics, the ability to cheat death.
Preparation I'm not a complete idiot. I realise that cheating death is something which requires a certain amount of planning and preparation. Neither did I restrict myself to only one method of resurrection. As this was literally a matter of life or death, I decided to consult several schools of thought on how this could be achieved and ultimately decided to utilise three of the most popular methods.
The first and second method that I decided to use were taken from the teachings of Mario and Sonic. First of all, I went to my local bank and withdrew £120.00, £100.00 of which I requested be in £1.00 coins. This meant that I was in possession of 100 coins, and if Mario has taught us anything it's that 100 coins = an extra life. What, you may be asking, was the additional £20.00 for? Well, I took this to my nearest DIY store and purchased 100 plastic shower-curtain rings and a can of gold spray paint. After an hour or so of spray painting I was then also in possession of 100 gold rings, the hope being that this too would grant me an additional life. The third method which I chose to utilise is one which is taught in the Legend of Zelda series. Despite much time spent cutting grass and smashing pots I was unable to find a single fairy, so instead I decided to get my hands on a few of those 'things' that link collects when he wants to permanently increase his life meter. I made a few calls and got in contact with some black market dealers; £2000 and a few days later I was the proud owner of four ice-packed containers, the contents of which I can not disclose for legal reasons, but you get the point.
Plan B 
Extra lives of course are not the only method of cheating death. Many games have used the humble Save Point to give our virtual protagonists another chance. Should the teachings of Mario, Sonic and Zelda fail me, I hoped that by creating a save of my life I could at least avoid the terrible mistake I was about to make. I investigated several forms of save point and was ultimately forced to reject the Metroid save room; partly because I was unable to track down the schematics, but primarily because I could not afford to construct it having already spent my savings on shower-curtain rings and human organs...did I say human organs? I meant empty ice-packed containers. In the end, I opted for the typewriter as my preferred method of saving, as seen in Resident Evil. Admittedly it was my younger sister's toy typewriter, but it was a typewriter all the same. After typing up my name, the difficulty level (my life's been pretty easy) and the amount of hours spent playing the game that we call life (in my case 16446768 hours), I felt safe to proceed with the final test.
The Final Test 
And that brings us to where I am today. I'm currently standing on a make-shift platform, constructed in the dark of night, on the rim of the Fuego de Colima volcano in Mexico. In my backpack I am currently holding 100 coins, 100 gold rings and 4 human hear...I mean 4 empty ice-packed containers. I have also left my sister's typewriter back at the hotel should anything go wrong, but hey, what could possibly go wrong?...
I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty damn hot up here. I'm sweating. Do you ever wonder how Mario and Link can withstand these tempertures while in such close proximity to molten lava?...anyway...
I wonder if when I jump in I'll hear that cool Mario Bros. tune. You know, the one that plays when Mario dies?...OK OK, no more stalling, I need to do this...
3...
2...
1...Aaaaaggghhhhhh!
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Topic: Video Game Lessons (A piece of comical writing) (Read 4021 times)
