"Sir! The market research data is complete. The final result has been determined," announced a R.O.B.ot soldier through an intercom in dread lord Khushrenada's darkened room.
Khushrenada stirred from his sleep and let out a yawn. After stretching, he got up from his Blue Falcon racing car bed and proceeded to change from his Princess Peach dress nightie into an ironic "4 More Years!" Wii U T-shirt and Kirby Epic Yarn sarong. (It feels like pants.) He then went over and sat at a desk where he picked up a phone to the Market Research Data Supervisor.
"Hello?" said a voice.
"Hi. This is Khushrenada. What is the result, Bill?" asked Khushrenada.
"Well, it has been determined that the most popular Wii U game is Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker. Should we proceed with making 3 sequels for it on the Switch?" replied Bill Trinen.
"Pssh! As if! Do you want the Switch to fail as well? No, Bill, there will be absolutely no Captain Toad on the Switch. That right there is our litmus test of what to avoid. We don't want anything similar to that showing up on the Switch. We'd be better off releasing another Splatoon or port of Mario Kart than Captain Toad. I'm going to let Headquarters know about this," answered Khushrenada.
"Sir, what should we do with the remaining "pollster"?" Bill Trinen asked uncertainly.
“Let’s keep him locked up in our polling dungeon. He’ll serve a useful purpose to us in the future as our canary in the coal mine. We’ll show him upcoming Switch games and if he really likes them than we’ll know to cancel or change them otherwise they’ll probably bomb like other Wii U software. Since this Steefosaurus has a taste for what is popular on the Wii U it will help us to keep doing that opposite of what he likes to succeed” explained Khushrenada.
Then Khushrenada opened a channel to Nintendo HQ. He was great by the unsmiling face of Supreme Emperor Tatsumi Kimishima.
“Mr. Khushrenada. I have with me Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Aonuma, Mr. Fils-Aime and the ghost of Mr. Iwata. We are very interested in what you have to report. Please, tell us your findings,” ordered Mr. Kimishima.
“Sirs. Forum research indicates that if we want the Switch to succeed than the best course of action is to release a type of software on it unlike anything on the system. Thus, I recommend that we take Zelda: Breath of the Wild which is most unlike other software found on the system and release it with the Switch to ensure success,” explained Khushrenada.
“Very well. Mr. Aonuma, see that it is so. Of course, this will probably upset a few Wii U owners but they are the same people who will buy cheap cardboard with Animal Crossing character pictures on it if we call them Amiibo so who cares. Heck, we could probably just rerelease the NES to distract them from the news and they’d be too busy buying that to care,” gloated Kimishima.
“If we did that, we should re-release it in a smaller size to really make the consumers go crazy. People with tiny brains love tiny gadgets,” interjected Reggie.
Everyone had a good evil laugh.
“Even better, we should release a small quantity of Zelda: Breath of the Wild on the Wii U at the same time we launch it on the Switch. It will instantly become the best piece of software released on that console thereby dumping on all the stuff that was released on the Wii U while also being the first bit of software released on the Switch showing how great that system is going to be compared to the Wii U,” Khushrenada gleefully suggested.
Everyone had another good and long evil laugh over that idea.
“That is enough,” said Kimishima. Everyone stopped laughing. He continued, “Our decision is clear. We shall proceed on the course decided today. Get to work. This meeting is concluded.”
Two months after the launch of the Switch, having followed the incredible sales success and best launch of a Nintendo console yet following the advice and strategy he laid, Khushrenada was at an all-time of egomaniacal proportions.
“I have to hand it to you, sir. Forum research and polling really does work,” Bill Trinen complimented him.
“Well, of course. I’ve never had any doubt of that. Now, come. HQ wants us to ramp up our research to ensure we carry this Switch momentum to greater heights,” replied Khushrenada.
“Are we going back to the NWR Forums?” asked Bill.
“Good lord, no. Now that we’ve proven the success of forum research, HQ has increased our budget so that we now have the resources to go and collect better information from a much greater informed and more hardcore class of gamer,” proclaimed Khushrenada.
“You don’t mean….?” Gasped Bill.
“That’s right! We’re going to 4Chan!” Khushrenada boldly exclaimed.
Bill set in the coordinates and then the Megaship of Khushrenada took off to its destination leaving behind the NWR Forums forever. And with that, Safe Words was never played again and no one missed it except Insanolord who never won a game of it.
The End.
Topic: Safe Words 12: It's true! We rue this Wii U review too. Final Round! (Read 41970 times)
