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« on: October 03, 2016, 03:46:52 AM »
It's been sometime since I started this post, and in that time not much has change.
lately I'm feeling lost, depressed frustrated. I simply just miss her as she was the only person who understood me, and enjoyed everyday with her. I just feel such loneliness, and it's more than just words that can say just how I feel about her.
No woman has ever been this close to me other than Mom, who passed away when I was 15, and I never knew why until years later. And then I had a family to take care of and went on a road to depression to maintain everything.
My history is drenched is a lot of heartache, I was born pre-mature by 3 months, I've dealt with blood transfusions, to under developed lungs, going through therapy both physical and speech. I did not walk until 3 years old, I did not talk until 4. I weighed only 2lbs when born.
I had people who made promises, but never kept them. My parents had issues and thus other people would interfere in my world and cause harm, this was a constant theme.
I've dealt with bullies at school, I was always picked on as I was different. Wither it was at school or on the street.
All throughout school from elementary to highschool, and my own father never had patience with me as a child, and I would get yelled at, simply because I did not know what tool to bring him, as I did not know what a ratchet or socket sizes are at 6yrs old.
I tried helping my dad after almost nearly losing my brother in a car crash that left him brain damaged, but my father got remarried and decided I was no longer needed.
I feel hurt, I feel pain, I just love her and miss her. She was all I could ever asked for.
I try doing what I can to make others happy, but I'm finding I can't make myself happy. Just a lot reminds me of how much I miss her.
Last year I thought it was over, I nearly collapsed after going outside to take the pets outs, things just didn't feel right, I tried sitting down. But I started to feel queasy and dizzy, buzzing sounds where starting to ring in my ears, I knew I wasn't going to last long, I yelled at the dogs to get them in, I started to lose balance and everything started to go black, I tried getting inside to the house, walking was difficult, I was finding it hard to breathe.
I got in the house, barely had the energy to shut the door, climbed on the couch and went fetal position and tried to breathe. It was hell and scary, I thought it was game over.
I was too tired to do anything and I'm alone at that point.
I did went to the ER, but they couldn't find anything. The next several days I felt tired and sick.
I never want to go through that again...
Just so much throughout the years that just weighs on me and I've never felt as alone as I do.
I know there's been advice and support, I just find it very difficult.