Topics

1

General Gaming / What got up David Jaffe's butt?

« on: August 29, 2009, 08:23:05 PM »

http://stupidevilbastard.com/index/seb/comments/in_which_i_get_into_a_twitter_fight_with_game_developer_david_jaffe/

Whoa this really got out of hand for a guy who just wants to know why David Jaffe doesn't like a consumer's right to sell their property after they buy it.  I remember Mike Capps from Epic also stated his ire for used games and wanting to digitally distribute game endings, which basically means selling incomplete games on purpose.

Is this a trend we should be worried about?  Is there any reason there is this push to deny the right to own a video game?  Is this the sort of response people should expect when they want to actually own their video games?

And wow, David Jaffe has a pretty short fuse.  Could anybody imagine Shigeru Miyamoto or Will Wright or hell, even Shinji Mikami or Suda 51 responding to a gamer's issues with "**** off?"

Jeez.

[It’s a neat trick to turn a passive fairy tale about virginity and chastity into a zombie-filled action game.]

2

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Little Red Riding Hood's Zombie BBQ

« on: January 26, 2009, 06:52:07 PM »

It’s a neat trick to turn a passive fairy tale about virginity and chastity into a zombie-filled action game.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=17608

 I don’t even know where to start with this game.  I mean, just read its title.  Little Red Riding Hood’s… Zombie BBQ.  The images conjured up in the head from this are absurd to the point of either insanity or genius.  I want you to imagine a board of directors meeting in which a skinny little vice president has a big idea that he wants to share.    

“I have an idea,” says the skinny VP.  “Why don’t we take cherished, old, and fortunately public domain fairy tales and fracture them with a new take?”    

The director says, “Have you ever seen Shrek?  Or perhaps caught an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle?”    

“I’m not done,” the lean VP says.  “Let’s take them all and add zombies!  And the hero… heroine… will be Little Red Riding Hood with help from… a ninja!  A ninja named Momotaro!  You know, after that old Japanese legend?  The Peach Boy!”    

“Hmm… but who would they fight?” the director says.    

“Zombies!  And they can fight other people from the fairy tales!  Who are also zombies!  And a zombified Santa Claus!  And Godzilla!”    

“Gentlemen, we have reached an accord,” the director says as he motions for his gavel.  But before the meeting can be properly adjourned, the lunch bell rings and recess is over.    

I know I’m making it sound like they didn’t put much thought into it, but if you can get away with making games about baking cakes, picking noses, and screwing the caps onto pens, I suppose no idea is too outlandish for a game.    

But this isn’t the point here.  The point is to shoot zombies, and this game has a whole lot of that.  And let me be the first to tell you that this game surprised the hell out of me with how competent it is.  The action takes place in a third-person view on the bottom and top DS screens, linked together to make a sort of “corridor” that Little Red Riding Hood or Momotaro run through.  Red Hood and Momotaro will slowly advance upwards through a 3D corridor and take on waves of zombies, machine-gunned or throwing starred to death.  Yeah, Momotaro is a ninja whose weapon is throwing stars — that he shoots out of a gun.    

The stages are all ripped from the stories, such as the North Pole and the candy forest from Hansel and Gretel.  Of special note is Gretel herself, who appears in this game as a boss that fights you after having successfully eaten the Gingerbread House Witch and subsequently Hansel.  Her weapon of choice is the dismembered leg of her partially-consumed brother.    

You see, you need to be in the right mindset for this game.  If you ever find it lying around an EB or GameStop shelf, I want you to put it behind another more popular game, leave the store, and then come back in and “discover” it.  It’s the “what the hell?” reaction when you see a game named Little Red Riding Hood’s Zombie BBQ behind some Sonic game that I’m shooting for.  I’d almost call it a grindhouse game if the term wasn’t already beaten into the ground.  It will definitely be on several social network blog ”Top Ten Strange Games” lists in the future.  And it would probably top them all if the game didn’t get too repetitive too quickly.    

The sundry aspects of the game don’t really matter as much as the concept, but here are the details.  The environments are 3D, and the heroes, zombies, and bosses are 2D sprites.  The controls are simple; touch to shoot, and double-tap the screen  to shoot a grenade.  You change weapons by tapping an unfortunately-placed icon on the screen, that is frequently hit accidentally in the midst of all the action.  The music is unfortunately forgettable, comprised of strumming rock chords that are mostly drowned out by the sounds of zombie fighting.    

So here I’m left with a final thought on whether to recommend this game or not.  I can guarantee you that you won’t see another like it for a while, because this isn’t your typical game pitch to a publisher.  Little Red Riding Hood’s Zombie BBQ is a competent - if not exceptional - exemplar of a bygone era in game design.  It does nothing fancy and has no message, aside from giving a possible critique on the continuing absurdity of zombie movies (But how to kill them?  They are, like their material, undead.  And “zombie barbeque?”  Would that be cannibalism?  But they aren’t dead, right?  Do you have to un-cook the un-dead? Now that’s meta).    

I’d say look into your own heart.  I can only guide you to the pool; it’s up to you to dive in.  But if you are a shoot-em-up fan, you won’t leave this game disappointed.

Pros:
       

What a concept.

 

Surpisingly competent corridor-shooting action.

       Cons:
       

Forgettable music.

               Graphics:  7.0
       They function, but aren’t spectacular by any stretch. Red and Momotaro are quite pixellated at times.  Thankfully there is little slowdown to stop the action.

               Sound:  5.0
       Other than zombie groans, this game’s audio is mostly forgettable.  There are voice samples you would have to be a bat to hear and humdrum, repetitive rock music that does a good job of not intruding on the game.

               Control:  9.0
       Other than accidentally selecting a weapon on the right or left side of the screen, the controls are butter.  It’s just touch and hold most of the time, which the occasional double-tap for a bomb.

                      Gameplay:  7.0
       What we have here is an unapologetic shooter that can be burned through rather quickly.  It couldn’t be considered “deep” by today’s standards, but the waves do get repetitive enough to warrant disapproval from all stripes of gamer.

 

       Lastability:  4.0
       When you are done with the core of the game you are done with it, period.  There are no multiplayer or online modes, other than a few boss rush-type deals that you unlock along with some additional difficulty settings. Unless you have a taste for zombie meat, the game has given up all of its treasure.

 

       Final:  7.0
       A fun game to experience if you are looking to stray off the beaten path.   But still, try to have that mindset of “what the hell?” when you find it.  It’ll take the edge off the absurdity.      

3

TalkBack / How to spot a Hardcore Gamer in the Wild.

« on: July 23, 2008, 02:13:34 PM »

This will be an introductory course in the classification, identification and strategies on dealing with Hardcore Gamers in your midst.

First, since definitions are so popular, it must be made clear that Hardcore Gamers are not to be confused with Core Gamers.  Core gamers play core games and discuss strategies and appreciation on the internet.  Hardcore Gamers write petitions to Blizzard to make the game "darker and more gritty."  Hardcore moan about being "abandoned."  Hardcore Gamers are much more histrionic than your average person.  When equipped with these definitions, they become easy to spot on any random forum.

But even so defined, they may easily blend in with the regular forum members.  But there are a few distinct and also compulsive habits they exhibit:

#1 Making strange requests. 

For example, the request of 2D Castlevania games.  Now I know, dear reader, that you are quickly typing up a Quick Reply saying how there have been SEVEN 2D Castlevania's since 2001, but please allow me to finish.  The request is not for those games, as all of those games are for handheld consoles, deemed lesser gaming experiences by the hardcore.  The routine request is for 2D Castlevania on consoles.  Because of the continuing dissatisfaction with the absence of 2D Castlevania on consoles, it becomes quite clear that the issue is not with games' existence, but with control, which is altogether unrelated to games itself.  You will see this every time a petition is started attempting to control game companies' direction, like for example the Diablo III petition to "make the game darker" and "include more violence," and "show scenes of human depravity."  (Yeesh, I hope that's not what that last guy finds entertaining.)

#2 They will complain chiefly about graphics.

I will admit I can be fond of graphics.  It's amazing what Square Enix can do with the DS to make it look better than some of their earlier PSP (and even PS2) efforts.  Liking graphics is no problem, and good graphics on any console are possible, as evidenced in the indifferent attitude towards graphics last generation, despite the GC and the Box being several standard deviations above the PS2.  Graphics are also an indicator of effort, as well as the desire to cultivate an artistic image, even when the game itself is very simple.  However, the hardcore will add two initials that will identify them.  HD.  The insistence for HD and detraction of anything less than HD has little to do with actual graphical progress.  It is simply a validation for the money spent on bigscreen televisions and 7.1 surround sound systems and the latent fear that in a few years one of those unwashed and unclean casual gamers maybe be able to enjoy HD gaming after the glut for pennies of the dollar of what he spent for his HD Temple.

The consequences for companies acquiescing to this demand is evident, as third parties consolidate and less games are released and less types of games are scheduled.  Furthermore, some adopt strategies of "portfolio diversification" where they squeeze out effortless games onto more popular platforms in order to simply fund the unsustainable HD games.  I say "portfolio diversification" because this is a defense against what they are really doing, which is "sending good money after bad."  Portfolio diversification is maintaining shares and stakes in multiple "profitable" ventures.  The other strategy is taking profits away from the source of them to fund unsustainable efforts.  This is also relatively new in the gaming world, as most third parties piled onto the PS2 once it cemented itself as the market leader, regardless of the perception that PS2 owners were nothing but DVD watchers and Madden Players.

#3 The hatred of the new.

This is not new concepts or game styles.  This is new PEOPLE.  The hardcore treat their hobby like an exclusive club that only they should be in.  The introduction of new people frightens and confuses them as they have not "earned" the right to play video games, and are almost aristocratically scared to look, talk to, or heaven forbid, touch one.  Most of these new gamers are children, some females, some elderly, anything that lands outside of the 18-30 male demographic. 

One possible explanation is personally historical.  The group that particularly causes discomfort is the children.  Almost like looking into a time machine, they are taken back to their first game purchase and remember that fat greasy comic book nerd who mocked their selection of Bad Street Brawler or Nuts 'N' Milk, and treated them with a scoff as they selected a game for their superior 16-bit Amiga.  Instead of being a guide to art or quality within the parameters, they were treated with scorn and derision. 

The internalization of this belief and the learned and conditioned behavior of "hardcore" Amiga owners causes the hatred of the self, symbolized in the outward hatred of anything "childish" or actually the new gamers themselves and their selections of software.

Another possible explanation for the outright hatred of new gamers links back to habit #1, which is the exertion of control.  Attitudes such as "How could these new people like what they like and not like what I like?"  Thus the new gamers are treated with scorn and not treated with constructive comparison and culture cultivation.  This method of hatred can be latent, as seen with distinctly drawn group-labels for "us" and "them."  Every discussion becomes centered around how a certain game is labeled and who fits into that label and why.  This can be linked to the third phase of Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief, Bargaining, wherein the Hardcore Gamer is attempting to bargain with the erosion of his control and influence by saying "You can be here as long as you stay over there with your people and I stay over here with my people."  But, like segregation in the South, the underlying attitude is that of inequality, and will soon erupt again once the new people cultivate their tastes independent of the Hardcore's influence, as he squandered his opportunity to have any in order to live in a Hardcore Fortress.

This is merely an introduction into the habits of Hardcore Gamers.  There will be more as the generation moves and the market shifts, and I hope to document more.

As a bonus, here is the guide to identifying a gamer in the wild:

Anybody with a controller/stylus in their hand.

Thank you for reading and I hope I have been informative.

4

General Gaming / Well I found myself addicted to a web game

« on: April 22, 2008, 11:39:53 PM »

http://www.handdrawngames.com/DesktopTD/Game.asp

I ended up playing this game for about 2 weeks straight and couldn't stop.  It just gets... addicting!

At least I think so.

5

General Chat / Well apparently MSN won't work at my university anymore

« on: April 16, 2008, 12:45:27 PM »

That's just great isn't it?  Apparently some new firewall they're putting up just destroyed chat programs for everybody.

[I've never had a game tell me I was finished with it.]

6

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Mega Brain Boost

« on: March 27, 2008, 10:05:13 AM »

I've never had a game tell me I was finished with it.
 http://nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=15631

 Nintendo releases Brain Age and now everybody's gotta get in on the Brain Training Craze that even Nintendo backed away from after three Nintendo DS games and one Wii game.  This game is Mega Brain Boost.    

There are those that would claim that I shouldn't even be reviewing Mega Brain Boost.  It is a "non-game" after all.  Or is it still fashionable to label games as such?  Please forgive me.  I'm not up on the latest Internet classifications on what a game is or isn't.  Anyway, here it is, Mega Brain Boost.    

Yes,  Mega Brain Boost.  You know it's interesting that the title has the word "boost" in it.  Notice a lot of the me-too games that popped up after brain age, like Mega Brain Boost and Sega' Brain Assist, the titles have the locus of power with the game.  In other words, they will "assist" or "boost" you.  Nintendo's titles have no such verbiage.  The locus of power is with you.  Like Brain Age asking how old is your brain or Big Brain Academy which implies that you would attend said academy.  See the difference?  Even the Japanese title, Brain Training, uses the gerund form of "train" in order to keep this locus with you.    

Alright.  I know.  I'm beating around the bush.  I should talk about the game.  The reason I diverged was because I have a word quota on all my reviews that I must meet, and the game is incredibly small.  I don't mean short, I mean small.  There are only 15 training exercises, and I will list them all right here:    

Remember Colors – You match a pattern with one that is briefly displayed.
 Remember Numbers – You match a number with one that is briefly displayed.
 Remember Circumstances – You match a group of images with some that are that are yada yada.
 Remember Faces – You match a face with one that is... yes I know.
 Remember Images – Several images are displayed in a sequence, and you have to remember that sequence.
 Find a Match – Find a matching pair in images.
 Shape Recognition – Find a matching pair in dot matrix images.
 Match the Kanji Characters – Strangely match the letter of an entirely foreign language to one from a list of an entirely foreign alphabet.
 Remember Sequence – Several images are displayed in an order, and you are asked what image appeared first, last, third, etc.
 Moving Dots – Answer how many dots are on the screen.
 Dots (yes, different) – Same as previous, except this time they aren't moving.
 Colors – Select which answer shows the most numerous colored dots in an array of them.
 Find the Goal – It's one of those pipe puzzle things.  You know, where will the water come out?  That sort of thing.
 Total amount of Money – Money is displayed (including the Sacagawea Dollar!) and you have to say how much.
 Addition – Add up all the numbers shown.    

That's all of it.  In addition, all of the quizzes are multiple choice.  The thing with Brain Age is that you manually entered the answers.  So if you knew it, you knew it, and if you didn't, you didn't.  However, multiple choices lead to a random ¼ probability of getting the question right if you just stab the screen randomly.    

And... well... that's it.  That's the whole game.  The funny thing about the game is that it will inform you when you are finished with it.  The thing with Brain Age is that reaching a brain age of 20 is not necessarily the end of the game.  The graph it shows implies that you must maintain said age.  With Mega Brain Boost, every time you satisfactorily complete one of these brain exercises, it will tell you the percentage of your right brain that is "fully developed."  And since I got 100% development on every exercise, if I am interpreting this correctly, I am 100% finished with the game and can walk away knowing my right brain is 100% developed and in no further need of any sort of "boost."    

There really not much else to talk about.  The graphics are simply still images and the only things that move are the professor's arms and some cherry blossom leaves.  The soundtrack has only four or so tracks in it.  It feels empty and lifeless.    

As far as effectiveness in training goes ... I don't know.  I wish it had a Brain Age kind of graph in order to see how far I've progressed.  I hate to say it, but there is a strong possibility that I might be a little rustier after Mega Brain Boost than before.

Pros:
       

You might get a little smarter.

 

Tangible feeling of the cartridge can prove existence if you are so existentially inclined.

       Cons:
       

It's just so empty.

 

It actually tells you to stop playing it.

               Graphics:  3.0
       It's just a bunch of still images.  They aren't glitchy, at least.

               Sound:  3.0
       A small selection of tracks with two of them designed to not even be noticed.

               Control: 10.0
       All you have to do is touch stuff.  Isn't the DS touch screen amazing?

                      Gameplay:  3.0
       I'm not exactly sure how it's improving my brain.  When I was playing Brain Age, I felt pressure to do my best as the exercises where shorter and quick-paced.  These exercises are much longer and slower which increases the same-y feeling of doing this kind of thing.

 

       Lastability:  1.5
       It, rather bluntly, told me I was finished with the game.  I'll give it half a point for honesty but I'm no Santa Claus.

 

       Final:  2.0
       You have to wonder how developers keep missing the mark when it comes to these brain-type games.  Do they just read the Brain Age manual and stop there?  As it stands, I wouldn't recommend Mega Brain Boost.      

7

General Chat / GoNintendo "blog"

« on: February 17, 2008, 09:21:41 AM »

Now that GoNintendo is some kind of general media site... is it OK for people to be angry when they steal content?

[The worrisome thought is that I'm not sure this is the first time I've seen a 3D Jeff Foxworthy.]

8

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

« on: January 22, 2008, 08:44:36 AM »

The worrisome thought is that I'm not sure this is the first time I've seen a 3D Jeff Foxworthy.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=15161

 I've always thought that reality TV and game shows have a lot in common, especially when most TV awards shows now lump the two together for their prizes.  One of the newer ones out of Fox is Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? with the basic concept centered around that feeling of superiority the viewer felt when somebody couldn't answer one of the easier questions on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?  (There seems to be a pattern with these shows and interrogative titles.)  So obviously, with any property this red-hot, there has to be a licensed game about it, and what better place to put it than the handheld known for expanding minds and definitions?    

If you've read many of my reviews, you will remember my working hypothesis as to the indirect correlation between the number of corporate logos before the game starts and the quality of said game.  Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? (hereafter referred to as 5th Grader) starts with a cavalcade of copyright legalese and logos.  Things aren't looking good already.    

The game starts out with a CG Jeff Foxworthy giving you the straight dope on the game.  You'll pick a question out of several school subjects, like Astronomy and Mathematics, in the various grades (1st through 5th, which determines difficulty.)  The questions can be tough, and sometimes they will humble you in your pre-conceived notions of what you think you know.  For example, I asked my brother one of the questions in the game: "Which star is the closest to Earth?"  He answered like a smarty-pants know-it-all and said "Alpha Centauri, Duuuuhhhhh~~"  Of course, the answer is the Sun, which made him feel crunchy and sheepish.  And that's the most fun I had with the game.    

If you get stumped, you can ask your classmate assistant for an answer, or you can simply copy the answer from him.  If you get a question wrong, your classmate assistant will try to "save" you by hopefully answering correctly.  If you lose, you... lose.  Game Over.  Please start again.  The big prize is $1 million of virtual money.  The satisfaction of winning the million bucks is somewhat akin to the satisfaction of winning the vacation package in Double Dare for the NES.  It'd be nice if it were real.    

And that's the game, really.  The graphics are mostly text on a blackboard and a few pictures when the questions demand, along with the aforementioned CG Jeff Foxworthy and CG classmates.  The sound is nothing but the digitized theme song of the show and some tense ambience that game shows have used ever since "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" hit big.  Oh, and Jeff Foxworthy doles out some quips if you suck at trivia.  This is basically the extent of the entire game.    

Oh yeah!  There is one clever thing.  The classmate answers are usually accompanied by a doodle from the classmate.  I usually saw a turkey or a drumstick (as in the poultry variety) and chuckled to myself as I thought that the classmates must have been starving or the programmers must have made the game entirely over Thanksgiving.  But picking it up on December 1st yielded a doodle of a snowflake and a snowman.  The calendar-sensitive content is unexpected.    

In the course of my reviews, I have frequently felt guilty by not having been able to play the whole game before I sit at a desk and critique it.  "Have I left anything out?"  I sometimes ask.  "Are my complaints and praises going to be understood even if I have not seen every pixel or polygon?"  But I can proudly affirm that I have seen every inch of this game.  Every nook and cranny.  And because there is so little here, it makes it hard to criticize, because I don't necessarily hate the game.  I imagine this is how an English teacher feels when he or she gets a paper that consists of one well-written sentence and nothing else.  In conclusion, just watch the TV show.

Pros:
       

CG Jeff Foxworthy?  

Calendar-sensitive content!

       Cons:
       

There just isn't much game here.  

There isn't.  Seriously.

               Graphics:  7.0
       It's the type of graphics that simply has no flaw, but at the same time offers no real artistic direction.

               Sound:  3.0
       You'll hear tense ambience and a couple of Jeff Foxworthy jokes.  And I mean a couple.  Like, two of them.

               Control: 10.0
       You just touch the answer.  No mistakes, no problems.

                      Gameplay:  1.5
       The difference between this and Brain Age is that the latter challenges you to complete tasks as fast as possible, while this game asks a question and hopes you'll answer without looking it up on Wikipedia first.  It's not particularly fun in any instance.

 

       Lastability:  1.5
       I can't wait to see what these kids will draw on the board in January, but I was through with this game in about an hour or so.  I'm not sure if I saw all the questions, but I did see enough repeat to know I'd probably reached the end of them.

 

       Final:  2.0
       There just isn't much to see here.  But I should point out that this is not a score given in anger or hyperbolic sarcasm.  This game simply fails to exceed the content standards set by Jeopardy! on the NES.      

[It starts with this game and having a teddy bear, and the next thing you know, you're that guy on Grizzly Man.]

9

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Build A Bear

« on: January 22, 2008, 05:35:04 AM »

It starts with this game and having a teddy bear, and the next thing you know, you're that guy on Grizzly Man.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=15156

 One... Two... Three... Four!  Four logos!  My future award-winning game quality algorithm is nearly finished!  I'm sure you are familiar with it, yes?  If not, please peruse my body of reviews on this site.  You will see that I have noticed a pattern among handheld video games: the more logos before the start screen of any particular game, the less likely that particular game will provide a worthwhile experience.  Considering Build-A-Bear Workshop, a custom Teddy Bear outlet, is not the typical license for a video game, perhaps the formula may have a hitch in its conception.  Perhaps.    

Well, as you might imagine, before playing with my bear I had to make a bear.  Or rather, I should say I had to make a stuffed animal, since the bear is only one of the stuffed animals that Build-A-Bear Workshop makes.  Jeez I'm starting to sound like a commercial.  Anyway, I chose a black bear.  I mean, it is Build-a-Bear, right?  They had cat, bunny, frog, and dog models, too, but I imagine naming the franchise "Build-a-Bunny" or "Create-a-Kitty" or "F-... Fabricate-a-Frog" wouldn't do for a national brand, phonetic link or not.  Or "Procreate-a-Pooch", either.  That kinda sounds cheeky.    

Anyway, I began making my black bear.  The workshop in the game has several stations.  After picking out a model, the next station  asked me to pick a sound.  Oh I get it.  Like "Mama," right?  I mean "Papa!" I meant "Papa." (Whew, nice save.)  Anyway, the array of sounds I could choose from was quite ridiculous:    

Sound #1: A Cow mooing.  Alright...
 Sound #2: Cat meowing.  I hadn't heard a bear meow since that time at the bar...  (I forget what was in that cup.)
 Sound #3: Frog croaking.  No.
 Sound #4: Monkey.  Nope.
 Sound #5: Dog barking.  No!
 Sound #6: "I love you," in the most grainy, mechanized voice possible.
   

I settled on Sound #6.  Next I had to ensure how "huggable" my bear friend would be by stuffing him.  I'm starting to get a cavity here from this saccharine exercise.  OK, I touched the foot pedal to stuff the bear.  Then I had to make a wish.  This is starting to get a little peculiar.  To activate this "wish," I had to rub hearts on the screen and whisper a secret into the DS.  I told my bear that his citizenship and loyalties to the U.S. were still in question.  He responded with, "I love you."  Typical furry immigrant—appeal to the heartstrings. Next was stitching him up: zigzag the stylus through the holes, and that's that.  Then I had to "fluff" him.  US decency laws prohibit me from describing this part in detail, but it involves a hot, steamy shower and questionable electronic devices.  It's better left unsaid.    

In case you are wondering, throughout the creation process I was guided by a talking Teddy named Bearemy.  If you think that pun is funny, then the game's humor will strike a chord with you.  Everyone else is left to endure such awful punnery as "furbulous," "bearific" and "100% pawesome."  (My word processor is screaming in terror right now.)    

But back to my bear. All stuffed and fluffed, the next step was to dress him in some kind of clothing.  What is this?  My teddy bears never had clothes!  What is with this modern wo—Uhh... I never owned teddy bears!  I played with lighter fluid and shaving cream and other manly things growing up.  No bears here, no sirree.    

I should make a note here that, strangely, the teddy bears in this game have no gender assigned to them.  That is to say, if you want to dress your bundle of joy in a T-shirt and jeans, like a manly man, fine.  You'd prefer that personality shirt that says "Diva", "Hottie", or "Butter Troll"?  Sure thing!  Hopefully the parents who buy this game for their kids will explain that it really isn't that simple, and that your sex won't change just because you wear other gendered clothing.  Hopefully.    

Finally I got to name it.  I named it Terry: because of all the gender-confusion, it's best to keep my options open.  So I was finally given a birth certificate that proves I am the guardian of this genderless lump of fluff, and the real fun began.  Or maybe I should say that's where the fun ended.  After finishing your bear, the game basically stops.  It prompts for a house to be painted, and once that's done  it turns into some kind of button-collecting exercise.  These buttons buy stuff like sex change operations—uh I mean clothes—should you strive to leave your gender again.  To earn these buttons you must play awful mini-games which I will also list as thus:    

Mini-game #1: Musical chairs. No, really.  Grab a seat when the music stops by tapping a chair.  That's it.  Controls in this one are bad, though that doesn't stop it from being a cakewalk.
 Mini-game #2: Catch honey being dropped by moving your bear under the falling drops.  This one is also bad.  The controls are spotty and the hit detection is atrocious... although this game does have the humorous, unexplained cloning of your animal to help collect this honey.
 Mini-game #3: Some kind of dancing game where you scribble shapes to trigger dance moves.
 Mini-game #4: A playing-in-the-park thing ripped right out of Nintendogs. One particularly puzzling part has you pushing your animal on a swing set with a soccer ball in his/her/its legs and trying to throw—kick--whatever the ball through football goalposts.
 Mini-game #5:  A really terrible cooking game.
 Mini-game #6: Helping your animal brush his teeth and comb his hair.  Man, this animal's existence is mundane.
   

And that's all.  Seriously.  That's all of it.  What a huge build-up for a whole lot of nothing.    

As for the ancillary qualities, the graphics are 3-D and adequate for the game, despite some unusual frame rate hiccups in the park.  The music is forgettable at best, and the sound effects are... lacking, to say the least.  There are multiplayer options, should you find another person who owns a copy of the game, although I can't imagine anybody playing the game's multiplayer, since mini-games are decidedly boring alone.  You can also trade photographs taken in the game with each other, which is about as fun as it sounds.    

I applaud the concept behind this license.  A customized stuffed animal is probably the best gift you can give a small child, because you'll create a unique figure in his life with which he can formulate exclusive memories.  The same can't be said of an off-the-shelf Elmo.  Build-A-Bear is a fantastic idea, but that idea best left in the real world. This virtual version of it is a wasted effort.

Pros:
       

The game might inspire you to actually go to one of those great Build-A-Bear places.  

...Not that I've ever been to one.  

I mean, at least I hear it's great.

       Cons:
       

The game ends right as it starts.  

The puns are bad.  Really bad.  Beary bad, even.

               Graphics:  6.0
       The graphics show an interesting level of competency, despite unexplainable slowdown at points.

               Sound:  3.0
       The one song that loops through most of the game is quite annoying.  Not that the other tracks are any better.  Most of the tracks are just forgettable and of inexplicably low quality.

               Control:  6.0
       Usually DS games have impeccable control—even these licensed games—but I guess there's a first time for everything.  The mini-games feature spotty controls that are unresponsive and annoying.

                      Gameplay:  2.0
       After a grueling character creation process, you are dumped into an empty game.  That's almost criminal, especially considering just how unentertaining the mini-games are.

 

       Lastability:  2.0
       An actual stuffed animal would last for quite a long time. This game will last as long as it takes to complete the animal.

 

       Final:  2.5
       There's just not much good, and plenty of bad, to talk about.  I understand why this game exists, but Build-A-Bear might want to try different venues of promoting their brand so as to spare the poor DS any more torment.      

[You know his name is Eldrick, right? Of course you do!]

10

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Tiger Woods PGA Tour '08

« on: October 07, 2007, 06:30:55 PM »

You know his name is Eldrick, right?  Of course you do!
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=14536

 You know, the benefit of having low expectations coming into a game is that when it surprises you with its depth and fun, it feels much more satisfying.  This is the case with Tiger Woods 08 on the Wii.    

First, I will dispense the dirty laundry.  The graphics are pretty bad, and I'll hazard a guess as to why.  EA used the PS2 version and ported it upward, which is economical, I'll agree, but more effort would be appreciated next time. These graphics are only made worse if you make the crucial mistake of running it in widescreen.  EA definitely slacked off on this setting and did some sort of algorithmic expansion or something, because it looks all stretched out and pixelly.  This goes away on the standard aspect ratio, so it has to be something screwy with the game.  Secondly, whoever thought putting that "GET IN THE HOLE!" guy in the game should probably be fired.  Enthusiasm about golf is appreciated, but please shut up.    

But everything else in this game is gold.  It is in fact hard to describe the feeling I got playing this game.  This is because the controls are so good.  It is a visceral experience.  When I shoot well, the ball goes where I want it to, and I feel joy.  When I shoot into the water or out of bounds, I find myself screaming and cursing the name of EA, Tiger Woods, Nintendo, and the sport of golf.  The controls are simple.  Just take a golf stance (two-handed, one-handed, swing with your foot, whatever), press the B button (with your toes if necessary, foot-swingers), and swing.  Putting is much the same way.  Just swing.  The ball flies relative to the length of your backswing and the power of your downswing.  And despite a couple of hiccups where the swing wouldn't register, the control is spot on.  I took a course in golf this summer and found that I had a moderate draw to a severe slice.  This is reflected in the game, as I routinely draw, have difficulty hitting it straight, and never hit a fade.  It's that accurate.    

The main mode is the PGA Tour Season, where you create a golfer, run him through the season, and hope to do well.  This involves a lot of golf-playing, and it's a good thing the game is fun, because otherwise it would be a pain in the ass.  Other game modes include a slew of mini-games that are somewhat forgettable, except for the Wii exclusive MiniPutt game.  Now before you cry "fanboy" and let slip the forum posts of war, I only say this because it reminds me of the mini golf mode from the original Mario Golf.    

The sundry aspects are well done.  The music tests the limit as to how licensed music can be defined. (If nobody has heard it before, does it really count as licensed music?  That's hardcore Zen.)  The golf clubs go WOOSH and the ball goes PING.  Speaking of PING, this and other such golf and apparel manufacturers are represented in the various gear you can outfit your golfer with.  The courses are real and include St. Andrews and TPC Sawgrass.  But, and this will be my final gripe about the game, why is the Augusta National Golf Course not included?  Yeah, I'm a Georgia native, and yeah, the club itself might have misgivings, but could it really be that hard for EA to convince them?  Please?    

OH!  One last thing.  Seriously, EA, don't invite that "GET IN THE HOLE" guy back again.

Pros:
       

GOLF!  It's a sport I love to read about and not actually play.  

Amazing controls.

       Cons:
       

"Get in the hole?"  Get out of my game, please.

               Graphics:  6.0
       I'm no graphics nut, but the Wii is still more powerful than the GameCube, and I'd like some third parties to maybe even use some of that power in the future.  Also, a widescreen setting that is actually developed into the game would be nice.

               Sound:  7.0
       Soothing licensed muzak is nice for the menus, the music is understandably turned off for the game itself, the commentators are wonky, and that "GET IN THE HOLE" guy needs to go.

               Control:  9.0
       It is simply exhilarating to smack the ball and have it fly right where you wanted it.  Other than a few hilarious times your guy won't swing (he'll just stand there forever), it's spot on and a blast to use.

                      Gameplay:  8.0
       I know retro reviews are "in" now, but it'd be hard for me to review golf considering it started about 500 years ago.  As for EA's representation here, it's deep and fun, although the mini-games are forgettable, and the game is pretty one-dimensional (as golf games usually are).

 

       Lastability:  9.0
       It can last as long as you can with full season mode and numerous courses and mini-games.

 

       Final:  8.0
       It's nice to have a fun game on the Wii that isn't a big steaming heap of controversy as every website debates how to rate it in accordance with their game ideology.  I actually forgot all about this turbulent Web while playing Tiger Woods, so it did its job.      

[A comprehensive case study.]

11

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Cake Mania

« on: July 08, 2007, 08:07:12 PM »

A comprehensive case study.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=13787

 Subject: "Jill" (This may or may not have been changed for the purposes of the study)    

Interview Date: July 3, 2007    

Preliminary Diagnosis: Cake Mania    

Subject began session be reminiscing about her days as a "PC Title."  A delusion of such caliber early in session usually breaks down the intended purpose of the session.  Jill began speaking of when she first contracted the Cake Mania as a "casual game" on the "internet."  For the purposes of the study, please understand that mostly what the subject will say will be abstract and hard to comprehend.  Anyone reading this should have adequate training to separate the abstract from the facts.    

Jill's life is a decidedly simple one.  She works in a bakery and is able to lead a productive life as a baker, so long as the orders are simple and piecemeal.  Her ovens only bake four types of cake at a time, and they do so automatically with the push of a button in the shape and color of the cake to be baked.  The frosting and decorating is carried out in the same way with similar machines, icons and colors determining decoration and frosting, respectively.  This technology is impressive, and it is of her own design.  However, her worldview remains not so brilliant.    

Jill believes that an entity known as "MegaMart" has been predatorily assaulting small town bake shops by opening stores and undercutting prices.  Her grandparents have both told her of this corporation, according to her, despite the reality that her grandparents were dead for four years prior to her bakery's opening.  She constantly argues with them, shouting at the walls and random people.  This "outside pressure" does seem to force Jill to work harder and be more productive, although she will become hostile once repeatedly informed that MegaMart simply does not exist.    

As a newly self-described "DS title," the subject feels she is able to connect to a wider audience of her fans.  In her opinion, the transition went smoothly, and as her therapist, I have to agree.  What she refers to as her "touch controls" feel right at home in her new DS world.  There were the occasional issues where the "touch controls" created unintended consequences, such as being unable to stop or "cancel" her actions as she moved through her daily life.  Such consequences included baking wrong "cakes" and having to throw them away.    

A walk through her daily life shows a particularly rote memorization of events.  Customers walk into her cake shop; she hands them a menu.  They order from the limited selection of crudely shaped cake figures and choose from the four different frostings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, and what the Subject calls "purple."  (Therapist's note: FDA inspectors have been alerted.)  After taking their order, Jill then presses the cake button, takes the cake, presses the frosting button and delivers to her customers their cake.  She does show some signs of mental advancement, as she is able to deal with four customers at a time, without feeling pressured into shock.  As such, her bakery is designed to only hold four people at a time.  Therefore, her customers are particularly impatient and will leave if she is not swift in her cake construction, which causes her great tension.  Particularly cruel was the episode where a picky business man ordered a double layer cake.  She just did not know how to handle it, and when the business man's colleagues joined in on the teasing, she collapsed on the floor.  It would not be prudent to blame her, as anybody shocked into that sort of relative complexity after being used to a simple life would react in a similar fashion.    

Her likes include "sprites" as she had them in her "PC days."  Her new DS status required that she check in her "sprites" and be issued new ones, which went without issue, except for her claim that you cannot see the cake shapes or colors when the customers start ordering double-layer cakes.  Again as her therapist, I will concur.  I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to deliver the wrong cake to a customer, despite its apparent similarity.    

Jill's outlook looks bright, however.  I can say it was a pleasure to study here, even if it seems that her rote-memorized daily life seems shallow and simple.  She does have quirks that need to be fixed, such as her tendency to listen to only one track of music for every second of everyday.  I am recommending her for consideration for release.    

Final Diagnosis: Cake Mania    

Prognosis: Positive

Pros:
       

Causes intensely creative review by how simple the game is and how funnily the title can be misinterpreted  

Fun, addicting game design  

Anti-Walmart propaganda.  Rollback this.

       Cons:
       

 Though addicting, the gameplay is painfully simple  

At the same time, the game gets complex much too quickly to adapt, striking at its intention as a casual game.

               Graphics:  6.0
       The sprites have been downgraded from the PC version to fit the DS screen.  No real issues except when the customers order double layer cakes, which are sometimes hard to discern.

               Sound:  5.0
       There are limited tracks in the game, and all are of the muzak variety.  Nothing offensive, but nothing spectacular.

               Control:  8.0
       The controls are tight except that it becomes annoying when Jill is told to do something by mistake and she carries it out anyway.  Lots of cakes get baked mistakenly and are thrown away, which penalizes you.

                      Gameplay:  7.0
       It is simple and addicting, although you have to get used to baking double layer cakes quite suddenly.

 

       Lastability:  6.0
       I would hazard a guess that the type of gamer playing it determines how long the enjoyment of Cake Mania lasts.  It does label itself as a "casual game," for example.  But that's not to say it isn't fun for the hardcore and semi-cores and semi-casuals and whatever new denominations are defined in the future.

 

       Final:  6.5
       This is a glorious time-waster, so much that it made it hard to write the review.  But I don't see myself being addicted for too long.      

12

General Chat / Can Artmimus Explain This Post?

« on: May 14, 2007, 06:04:10 AM »

Quote
You guys think Nintendo is perfect don't you? You don't even understand the concept of money being needed to run a business.

Nintendo is failing, but keep denying it. You can cry when your only choice is PS5 and Xbox4 and Nintendo is a 3rd party developer.

Vintage Artimus 2005.  

[I think I know what a Pokemon feels like.]

13

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales

« on: May 11, 2007, 08:23:41 AM »

I think I know what a Pokemon feels like.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=13447

 I'm not much of a Final Fantasy buff, but I know what Chocobos are.  They are those big yellow birds that heroes routinely ride to suit their transporting needs until they find a ship that may or may not be airborne.  I also know what Pokemon are.  They are creatures that inhabit a world in which the humans live with and utilize them for tasks and other purposes, and they are stuffed into a ball for storage.  You wouldn't think that they have much in common, but they do.  Both are used to serve human convenience and both are then tucked away into forests or small spheres.  Both are used by the ruling human class to participate in gladiatorial combat for the amusement of their owners.  And finally, at times both get their share of the limelight in sidestories.  Chocobo Tales is one of those times where the workhorse gets a chance to shine, even if that shining is still at the behest of the workhorse's masters.    

First, a quick and dirty description.  Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales is a single-player Mario Party game with an above average card game and oodles of Final Fantasy fanwank.  It was actually sort of fun having my Final Fantasy Fanatic brother identify the music that was playing out of my DS.  "Hey… that's from V.  Hey… that's from the first!"  Yes, a lot of old music has been remixed.  In fact, having unlocked the sound test, I can say that the only totally original piece of music in the game is the game's theme, and even that is a remix of the Chocobo music that is so familiar to us all.  But it's all good.    

So what is actually happening in this game?  That is to say, what is this yellow bird's motivation?  Well, a white mage named Shirma wants to read a book to all the chocobos on this farm, when a black mage named Croma busts into the scene with another book for Shirma to read.  She accepts, the book eats all the chocobos except hero chocobo, and hey, guess what?  You gotta free them all.  This heroic act is done by finding storybooks dispersed throughout a surprisingly large game world and completing the challenges therein, all to the tune of familiar old stories most of us have heard before, like "The Tortoise and the Hare" and "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."  All, of course, gussied up in Final Fantasy attire.  In each storybook is a mini-game that is not unlike the ones you would find in Mario Party, except a little longer and more in depth.  For example, in the "Tortoise and Hare" type story, the player must guide a turtle up a mountain in order to defeat a cactuar… whatever that is.  In the "Shiva and Ifrit" story, you collect fruit that falls down from the top screen.  You get the idea. The game progresses like this, finding more books and playing more mini-games until the "boss battles" occur, in which the player brings in the aforementioned card game.  I won't get into the rules of the card game, but rest assured it is not nearly as complex as Yu-Gi-Oh.   You can unlock more powerful cards by completing more difficult levels of the mini-games, though this action also has effects on the outside world as well.  And that's the game, really.    

Now that's all well and good, but is the game fun?  Surprisingly, yes.  The game design for each mini-game is very solid, and the card game is also strategic without the need for an encyclopedic knowledge of the rules.  This card game is available to play through WiFi, which I did for a couple of rounds to see how it performed.  I found little to zero lag and felt it went as smoothly as the duels in the single player game.  The mini-games are not available to play on WiFi, but all of them are playable locally via Multi-Card wireless.  Rarely was I not challenged or entertained by the content, and I found a strange urge to continue playing.  And here I will have a special note about the presentation.  The graphics of this game are very creative and in some cases downright amazing.  Most of the visuals have a storybook-meet-Paper Mario look that is more than welcome on the DS and looks great to boot.  The sound quality is also an aural pleasure, and these two facets really show that Square Enix knows how to push out the production qualities of the DS.    

So, how does Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales make me feel like a Pokemon?   Mostly because the hero character still runs errands around for the humans as they stand oblivious to the world around them.  They run this poor bird ragged, and all he gets for his efforts is a bunch of cards for a fictional game.  Whoopee.

Pros:
       

Solid game design  

Very nice visuals  

Great sound quality

       Cons:
       

A little spotty touch screen controls for some of the mini-games

               Graphics:  9.0
       I think Square Enix made a deal with the devil to learn how to program visuals on the DS.

               Sound:  9.0
       No one will ever successfully accuse Final Fantasy of having bad music, and Chocobo Tales reflects this with faithful remixes of classic tunes, although a bit too many from FFVII for my taste.

               Control:  8.0
       The entire game is controlled with the stylus, which is a boon, except for this one mini-game about steering a turtle through a river, which has some definite issues as far as control goes.  But otherwise, good enough for me.

                      Gameplay:  7.5
       Solid, Solid, Solid.  The mini-games are entertaining and sometimes frustrating-in-the-good-way challenging.  What brings the score down is the merely adequate card game, which I am biased against because I don't like card games, even though this one is not as bad as others I've had to endure.

 

       Lastability:  6.0
       The game encourages replay through each of the mini-games at higher levels, and the card duel is available for internet play.  While I did play for a while after beating it, I didn't feel very compelled to play further, and since I don't like the card game that much, I didn't really feel the need to continue that either.

 

       Final:  7.5
       Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales is a surprisingly substantial game, which is something not expected upon viewing its cover.  Since the game is even about books, it might be a good time to dig out that old adage of not judging a book by its cover.  This mantra is aptly applied in this situation.      

[Alternate titles have to use the word "maroon".]

14

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Lost in Blue 2

« on: April 25, 2007, 01:34:10 PM »

Alternate titles have to use the word "maroon".
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=13366

 If there was ever a model of the "if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it" axiom, Lost in Blue is a textbook case.  The game is similar to its predecessor, even to the point where I accidentally got lost on a map because I thought I was in the first game.  So similar, in fact, that it is hard to keep this review from merely being a laundry list of changes from one game to the other.  But seriously, when even the graphics look exactly the same as the original Lost in Blue, a reviewer like me is left with few options.    

Firstly, one concern I had with the original was the occurrence of fish-less screens when spear-fishing.  I have never seen a fish-less screen in this game, so I think that’s been addressed.    Another thing changed is the amount of stylus interaction in the game, which appears to have been increased dramatically.  Your character is now totally controllable by stylus on the map, and several of the segments that were buttons-only are now optionally touch-screen as well.  Another concern addressed from the original is that there are more things to hunt, even so much that the game hunts you with the addition of predators, which you fight off with the typical Lost in Blue weapons (spears, bows, whatever).  Although an island with tigers, wolves, and alligators existing in the same spot is nonsensical, it does greatly boost the meat intake, now that the meat finds you instead.    

Another big change is the island itself.  It’s huge now.  I’d estimate it is about twice the size as the one in the original, if my fuzzy memory can be trusted.  This is great and terrible at the same time, because even though one of the characters can run a lot faster than in the previous game, it is easy to waste an entire day’s time just traversing the island.  Of course, the game wants you to make shortcuts back to your home cave as you go along, but it’s easy to tire out trying to find them and be forced to go back the long way.    

I believe the variety of food available has been increased, and the cooking/building mini-games have been given a makeover as well.  Gone are the strange metaphorical trials of Lost in Blue.  Now the cooking minigame actually resembles cooking (flipping the food over while grilling, stirring soup, etc.) and the building game is now somewhat of a jigsaw puzzle.  No complaints here.    

Actually, I’m wrong.  There could be complaints here, depending on how much you enjoyed the original Lost in Blue.  The games are so similar, I could even recommend reading our review for the first as a primer for this game, which leads me to my conclusion:  The enjoyment to be had from this game almost solely depends on your opinion of the first, if you’ve played it.  Depending on whether you love or hate Lost in Blue’s slow-paced survival gameplay, you will love or hate Lost in Blue 2.  If you haven’t taken the plunge into the series yet, by all means give it a shot.  It’s one of those new ideas that rarely get a chance to exist these days as companies strive to homogenize games.

Pros:
       

Interesting idea for survival based gameplay  

Fun if you like the concept  

Concept doesn’t feel too played out yet

       Cons:
       

In some cases identical to the first, even similar events happen  

Pace can get very slow

               Graphics:  6.5
       The same functional graphics return from Lost in Blue, although this time there hasn’t been any framerate drop like I remember from the first game.  So I’m bumping it up half a point, for that and my question as to the graphic they used to portray "lard".  Did they melt a candle or something?

               Sound:  6.0
       Limited music, most of which is remixed from the first game, gives way to the ambient sounds of the island.  Voice acting is bland but thankfully minimal.

               Control:  8.0
       Stylus control becomes much more integrated into the games, although you may still opt to use the control pad if you wish.  Sometimes the stylus leads to some funky control problems, but otherwise everything’s still as hunky-dory as in the first game.

                      Gameplay:  6.5
       Seriously, it all depends on whether you didn’t get enough Lost in Blue the first time around and demanded a sequel right then and there.  There are some good changes, like being able to choose being a boy or girl at the start, if only to free the girl from the quiet desperation of being an injured housewaif as in  the first game, but all that really does is make the other character a somewhat useless homebody instead.  If you dig Lost in Blue, you’ll dig Lost in Blue 2, and it probably doesn’t matter what I say anyway.

 

       Lastability:  3.0
       I can’t imagine really playing this game a second time through, if only to experience it from the other gender’s perspective.  It appears to be the same perspective as the man’s, except it smells more flowery and giggles.

 

       Final:  6.5
       I’ll reiterate it here.  Hate Lost in Blue?  Don’t get this game.  Like Lost in Blue?  Grab this game, because it’s basically the same game with minor alterations that hardcore fans would notice.  Never played Lost in Blue?  This game is a good one to start with, as it’s only a sequel because of the number on the box, not the events in the game, and it deserves a shot for being an original idea.      

[Zoey 101? I didn’t register for this class.]

15

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Zoey 101

« on: April 09, 2007, 07:30:21 AM »

Zoey 101?  I didn’t register for this class.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=13293

 You know, it’s getting hard to justify the licensing of some of these games.  I mean, it is one thing to license some kind of show about sports or anti-terrorist units or even game shows.  They all have one thing in common, which is a general point or "goal" for the characters in to try and achieve.  Even, say, a sitcom like Coach has a goal, which involves winning some sort of division title.  But Zoey 101 appears to be just a regular school-type sitcom about a girl named Zoey dealing with the sudden co-educational status of her previously all-male boarding school, Pacific Coast Academy, which is about as intangible a goal as you can get, at least where a video game is concerned.    

I’m sure you are all waiting with bated breath to hear about the living conditions at said Pacific Coast Academy, and I’m here to say that the government should probably investigate this place soon if not now.  The second Zoey sets foot in this place, she is assaulted by the requests of her female roommates, her male roommates, and from the faculty itself.  These "requests" are in the form of mini-games, most of which are tedious and awful.  I feel a list coming on:    

Disc Golf – This is probably the best one.  Zoey throws a Frisbee™ at a goal in a game loosely based on the rules of golf.  Most of the time I just threw the Frisbee™ at the goal straight on and won.  Sometimes I would have to throw it twice.  Simple.    

Basketball – This is a very painful exercise in moving to the left and right and shooting a basketball when the ball symbol and the net line up.    

Quinnventions – Sorry, word processor, I know.  This word doesn’t exist.  This pun is the brainfart of character Quinn Pensky, who delivers it as such…  "They are my inventions.  I call them ‘Quinnventions’ get it?"  No comma, no new sentence.  Just straight out "get it?"  What there is to "get" about "Quinnventions" is that you have to put them back together when they explode in some sort of jigsaw puzzle.  Random robot explosions should demand further investigation by the authorities.    

Prank Week – As the cliché states, boys will terrorize girls as soon as their previously all-male academy becomes co-educational.  This mini-game is all about running in the hall as quickly as possible in order to avoid toilet paper and water balloons.  Also simple.    

Jet-X racing - This is probably the worst game of the lot.  It’s some sort of go-kart racing on scooters, with controls from hell.  The track is much too narrow to support four of these scooters, so there is a great deal of contact going on.  It took me a long time to win this one because of the frustration of bumping around.    

Sushi – Plays like a Cake Mania/Diner Dash style restaurant game where you take and fill orders and serve the customers their food.  This one has the capacity to get quite challenging, but they never press it too far.  Usually I just fulfill the requirement and wait for time to run out.  The FDA might also want to ask them about the presence of raw octopus on campus.    

Rat Chase – Ugh.  This one plays like a rolling puzzle in which you must guide a rat to go back into his cage by way of blocking his path.  The less said about it, the better.  It’s just too much trial and error.  Any sort of mistake is deadly, and this is the most frustrating of all of the games.  The frequency of escaping rats might also be of interest to the investigators.    

Chemistry – Zoey’s chemistry teacher does some things and you have to repeat them.  Think the Flagman Game and Watch game, except much, much slower.    

Wrestling – This is the home of the best sprite in the game, which is Zoey flailing her arms about in terror of being pinned by a grotesque wrestler.  This idea here is that you just run around him until he gets tired, and then you run up and pin him.  Feminists, start your engines.    

After enough games are played and enough "semesters" are survived (that’s how the game divides the mini-games), a graduation party commences and Zoey must DJ it.  So some partiers walk up and ask you to switch the music playing.  I’ll let this mini-game be the embodiment of the entire game.  Firstly, some character requests a playlist and you have to remember it as you peruse the library, with such charming hits as "Stank,"  "Freemasons," and… I’m sorry I made those up.  Honestly, I can’t remember the names.  Once you meet the requirement, the game goes into a "bonus mode" where you keep playing the music until time runs out.  But I didn’t care.  All I knew is that this was the last game.  The credits would roll after this, and then I can move on to something else.  So I purposely let time run out while the character looked at me with a Botox smile.  Let it end, please.    

I don’t think I have ever really been this bored with a game.  I mean, Zoey 101 just attacks any sense of fun present in the human brain.  The mini-game "requests" just keep coming, and despite the wide selection of them, there is actually no variety.  And furthermore, I question Ms. Zoey’s intentions at this academy.  She wants everybody to get along and not form cliques.  Is such a goal possible?  Especially after the Feds are most likely going to shut the place down after she and her cohorts arrive, causing random explosions, food poisoning, rat infestation, and general ill will towards girls?  I already don’t like her, so she automatically fails.    

And her game sucks too.

Pros:
       

Reaffirms the scientific fact that electricity, when manipulated, can produce visual signals on a liquid crystal display.

       Cons:
       

Boring.  A new dimension of boring.  

Password save.  This is 2007.  Even That’s So Raven has battery backup.  

No general point whatsoever.

               Graphics:  3.0
       There are some quite gruesome sprites in this game.  In particular, what drags this score down is the Jet-X racing game.  Heck, I wouldn’t have minded if they just stole Nintendo's Mario Kart: Super Circuit code outright and just switched the sprites.  It is seriously that bad.

               Sound:  4.0
       I haven’t watched the show, so I don’t know if the "theme" is in it or not.  But I do know the music is droning and bland, whose only good point is not being loud enough to interfere.

               Control:  3.0
       Jet-X Racing again drags this game down.  That mini-game controls like greased ball bearings.  The other mini-games don’t really have a lot of control in them to begin with, so no bonus points here.

                      Gameplay:  2.0
       I wanted this game to be over so bad.  The tedium sets in fast and never lets go.

 

       Lastability:  1.5
       I’m adding a half point due to the uses of Zoey’s flailing sprite.  If I could only extract it somehow…

 

       Final:  2.0
       I think I should also point out that this is another game that falls victim to my working theory of the inverse correlation between number of corporate logos before the start of a game and the quality of said game.      

[Oh come on, protagonist. Don’t look so ticked off. You are in a great game.]

16

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Custom Robo Arena

« on: March 27, 2007, 11:34:21 AM »

Oh come on, protagonist.  Don’t look so ticked off.  You are in a great game.
 http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/reviewArt.cfm?artid=13215

 Custom Robo Arena is the continuation of the series Nintendo localized with the GameCube game Custom Robo.  The concept is simple enough.  These tiny robots called “Robos" fight each other with, at least the game says, real weapons.  And that’s the rub, really.  I have both the GC and DS versions, and the games are quite similar, although the DS game lacks analog control, which is not a big issue to me really.  So uhh… that’s it folks.  Custom Robo Arena = Custom Robo on the GC, in gameplay and execution. If you enjoyed Custom Robo, which I did, and are ready for more options, parts, robos, and online play, then dive in.  You won’t regret it.    

The rest of this review will be the things of interest I found while playing the game.  Firstly, the main character is chronically pissed-off.  His sprite on the world map shows a constant downturn in his eyebrows.  He shouldn’t be like this.  In fact, his art in the instruction manual seems to indicate a gentle, mild-mannered boy, maybe even a Mama’s boy (more on that later.)  So why is he peeved to be here?  He gets to walk around like a King because of his abilities in Custom Robo-ing, he meets new and saucy characters that become his friends, and to top it all off, he isn’t stuck in some terrible game.  It must be contractual issues.  Maybe he isn’t paid enough… but that can’t be it.   The earnings from his Robo battles are quite lucrative.  But wait!    

I believe I may have found a solution.  He might be a little angry that his art actually did not make it into the game itself.  The game’s graphics show their diploid nature here.  The fights in Custom Robo look great, even on par with the GC version if zoomed out enough, but the world map and the people in it look quite plain.  I have seen Flash games with better graphics.  This trade-off is fine however, for the main characters have goodly detailed art that pops up when they are spoken to or fought.  Indeed, that's true except for the player character.  Since talking to himself would be impossible to do in the third person, he is stuck with only his overworld sprite for the entire game.  I think that would make me a little miffed, to say the least, but not to his extreme.  Chill out, Player Character.    

Another thing of interest is the unusual family dynamic in the Geary household (that’s you, by the way.)  I have been interested in how families are portrayed in videogames ever since the “Robot Wife/Genetic Clone" Duel Masters: Sempai Legends incident.  Is there something as sinister present here?  No, but something intriguing is.  The father is a typical salaryman, a head researcher at NeoBrain, which researches these deadly Custom Robo things, and the mother is a typical housewife, dinner-on-the-table-when-you-get-home type.  But Mr. AngryFace has an older sister, Tamara, who luckily escapes being named a “title" that “Mom" and “Dad" have to endure.  Furthermore, she works with the father at the big corporation, and both have the title of “Doctor."  Since Mr. Irritated is a freshman in high school, that would make older sister at the very least 7 years older than him, and that’s if she spent all of those years locked away in study and didn’t stop until she achieved her doctorate.  Usually the male main character has a younger sister full of pep.  Here he has an older sister who not only is way more educated, but also has made her way in the world, while Mr. Livid seems content to play with toy robots all day.  Maybe Tamara takes after her father, whereas Mr. Incensed takes after his mother, as evidenced by the big poofy blazing red hair that he sports, which is thankfully genetically possible (Duel Masters bullet dodged, whew.)  The mother obviously cornered the market on big poofy hair, even to the point where she has a big “hair tumor" on her right temple.  It sometimes disturbs me.    

I think this game is trying to make the player some kind of model-robot geek.  Polishing your Robo is required in order to keep it clean and pristine for combat.  If dirt gets on your Robo, which will happen from regular combat, it will not be as responsive. This is where the stylus use comes in.  The stylus is also used to pose your Robo in unique ways, especially when positioned against a diorama.  The dioramas in the game are great.  Some are interesting, like the Steampunk one, and some are hilarious, like my personal favorite, Hungry Dino, which places your Robo on a jeep speeding through a jungle with a vicious T-Rex right behind him, chasing him down, hoping to feast on… metal.  It doesn’t have to make sense, does it?    

I did try the online play out and it seems fast and reliable.  There is only one opponent to process, so it’s all simple.  The strategies for victory are nearly endless, as you have a wealth of new parts to access and new robos to pilot.  I was victorious over my opponent by zooming right up to him and blasting him with my Magnum, while he tried to hit me with his long-range Dragon Gun.  It was fast and fun, and I really enjoyed myself.  If I wasn’t so online-inclined, there are other multiplayer options, even a single-card download mode.  Custom Robo is a worthwhile purchase if you want to get your robot-fighting groove on.    

And the single-player game isn’t half bad either!

Pros:
       

Fast, furious, and fun mech-combat  

WiFi is clean and quick  

Lots of content and unlockables

       Cons:
       

World map defines “simple.”  

Main character’s testing name was probably “Irk.”  Seriously, lighten up.

               Graphics:  8.0
       Finely detailed character sprites and fast 3-D combat offset a particularly bland world map.

               Sound:  8.0
       There is a hard-rockin’ soundtrack to Custom Robo that sometimes feels out of place, but is nevertheless hard-rockin’.

               Control:  9.0
       The control is perfect really, and the only problem that can arise is a feeling of unresponsiveness if you don't know to clean the robo because the game should have probably made a little clearer.  But hey, read the manual, dude.

                      Gameplay:  8.5
       It can get a little one-sided, and sometimes in the single-player game you are forced to do some hurtfully tedious things on the world map before you enter the fights, but the fights themselves are great.  Multiplayer is where this game is at, even though the single-player game isn’t half-bad.

 

       Lastability:  9.0
       With WiFi, you can always find a person willing to fight robots with you.  And if you have a Custom Robo fan brother, like myself, it becomes a regular multiplayer game even without online.

 

       Final:  8.5
       I found this game more interesting than good, but that’s not to say it isn’t good.  I was addicted to it even after writing this review.  So maybe that little twerp can stop being angry now.      

17

NWR Forums Discord / Kairon has 10 days to become useful.

« on: March 01, 2007, 05:46:52 PM »

Can he do it?

18

NWR Forums Discord / Magic Trick! With diagrams.

« on: January 30, 2007, 06:17:47 PM »

WHAT YOU NEED:

  1. One piece of heavy string or thin rope
  2. A piece of writing paper.
  3. A pair of good scissors.

The Cut-String-Made-Whole-Again rope effect is a classic of magic. Prefold a piece of paper before the show so it looks like the paper in Figure 1. When it's time to present the trick, pull out the paper and lay the string in it as shown.

Figure 1


Fold the top of the paper (section A) down, then fold the bottom of the paper (section C) up. Now for the secret move:

Figure 2

When you fold section C up over section A, use your thumb to catch the string as demonstrated in Figure 2. When you prefold the paper before the show be certain that section A is not so long that it will cover the string.

Securely grasp the package as in Figure 3, making sure that the view shown in the diagram is seen only by you.

Figure 3

Cut through the paper, as shown in Figure 4. Cut completely through the paper, dividing it and, presumably, the rope in half. In reality, only the paper is cut in half, the rope is still intact.

Figure 4

Crumple up the paper, and pull the rope out slowly. It is restored into one complete piece! The paper may be examined, and it will be seen to have been cleanly cut into two halves!  MAGIC!

19

NWR Forums Discord / I'm a brave man.

« on: January 24, 2007, 09:59:24 AM »

To put my picture up on the internet for all to abuse.

[The Triple Negative Principle.]

20

TalkBack / REVIEWS: LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy

« on: November 12, 2006, 11:41:16 PM »

The Triple Negative Principle.

This review is going to be about the truth.  Or should I say, the multiple truths that run through our gaming vernacular.   One such truth is that sports games get yearly updates that change little more than roster.  Another is that launch title games for new platforms tend to be very shallow tech demonstrations.  There is even my own postulate as to the number of corporate logos before the title screen being directly correlated to the awfulness of the title.  But the most often remembered and repeated is this: Licensed titles are heavily inclined to be terrible.  Even if one can name several licensed titles that aren’t garbage, they are met with a mountainous preponderance of evidence to the contrary.    

But a strange thing happens.  What if there are two licenses being utilized at the same time?  Is there a precedent for this?  Yes, in fact, there is.  The original Lego Star Wars somehow pulled a double negative.  The two licenses fused to create something that is good, great, and what some would dare to describe as awesome.  The negative stigma of the Star Wars license was in one way or another cancelled out by the negative stigma of another, equal license, that being Lego Toys.    

So why does this game suck so badly?  Well, for starters, I beat this entire game in approximately 38 minutes.  That’s right, less than an hour.  I’m not one of those guys who hammers on a game’s length like a harpy.  (16 hours?!  I paid three times the price of a movie for eight times the potential entertainment?  RIPOFF!!)  But 38 minutes is pushing it.  What was the secret to my fantastic speed run?  I ran forward and held the B button.  That created an unstoppable column of laser right in front of me.  All enemies were destroyed almost instantly.  I had to let up on the B button occasionally, to build a bridge or open a door, or use the force, but my thumb was cemented to the B button the rest of the time.    

After I had beaten the entire game, I was informed by the opening menu screen that I had only completed 40% of the game.  Are there perhaps… extra levels?  No.  Most of it is unlockable characters to play through the same levels again.  These are purchased with Lego Studs that are found by randomly destroying things in the main game.  And if it sounds useless, that is correct.  After I stormed through the entire game, I really had no desire to replay each level with a different character, especially when the change is only cosmetic.    

As for the miscellany, the graphics are somewhat grainy, and there is some hardcore slowdown in the later missions of Episode VI.  The sound includes some tinny MIDI recreations of the most familiar film music of all time.  The controls are effective, and by that I mean the control pad and the B button function correctly.  But honestly, this entire game is just shallow and bad.    

So why does it suck?  It should be protected by the double negative of the two licenses.  Ah, but the truth is that there is a third negative at work here., that being the console-game-ported-to-handheld negative.  As far as I know, that is a Triple Negative.    

And since this article is about truths, I should dispense the real truths about the source material: Star Wars.  Greedo shot first, complaints registered against the new trilogy can easily be levied with much more accuracy to the old one, the special editions improved the movies by leaps and bounds, the Ewok song is chiefly retarded, C-3PO is twice as annoying as Jar Jar Binks (and he’s in ALL SIX MOVIES), and Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson, and Samuel L. Jackson are the only actors to escape this entire series alive.  Chew on that, beyyoooootch~~!

Pros:
       

Uh….  You can uh…  Ensure your other GBA games are the proper length, as it features the regulated standard size GBA cartridge

       Cons:
       

I started the game while watching House and beat it before House ended  

Uninspired and boring  

Mars the decency of the console titles

               Graphics:  4.0
       Grainy pre-rendered captures of the full polygonal models running in environments that “sort of" resemble something Star Wars-y, with some ridiculous slowdown in the later levels.

               Sound:  4.0
       I’ve heard all of this music too much already, but would it kill them to at least attempt a better rendition than this?

               Control:  8.0
       Control pad?  Check.  B button?  Check.  You are more or less ready to play the entire game, with few exceptions.

                      Gameplay:  3.0
       Good gravy, what happened here?

 

       Lastability:  1.0
       Ditto.

 

       Final:  2.0
       It is this sort of cynical effort that makes the distinguished gamer shy away from any GBA/DS game sporting a license.  The house always wins in that casino.  And that’s the truth.      

21

General Gaming / It's dead, Jim.

« on: November 12, 2006, 12:41:29 AM »

The PSP, that is.  At least in Cedartown, Georgia.

So I'm walking through my local Walmart, looking for chocolatey delights, and I decide to mosey along to the electronics department and when I get there I see something weird.

The case that held the PSP was totally empty.  There were no PSP games inside.  I searched around and found them a little to the left of the  electronics desk, where there was a cardboard shelf, filled with PSP games, most marked for clearance/theft.  I didn't see where the actual units were.

So the big question is... if Walmart drops the PSP, can it be considered totally dead?  I say yes.

It makes me wonder if they are simply making room for the two new consoles coming out and they choose this time to cut the fat.

But, this is only the anecdote of one person from the sticks of a Southern state.  I could be wrong.

[This game just makes more sense than other Pokemon games.]

22

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Pokemon Ranger

« on: November 08, 2006, 07:55:41 PM »

This game just makes more sense than other Pokemon games.

I was intrigued by this game the very second it was announced a more than a year ago.  A Pokemon spinoff made by HAL?  I’ll bite.  And my teeth sank into a fluffy digital pastry filled with the sweetest of crèmes.    

The premise of the game is that the player is a Pokemon Ranger out to preserve the natural Pokemon world.  I’ll toe the official Nintendo description and say that a Pokemon Ranger is something of a cross between a park ranger and a police officer.  You take on missions to protect the natural habitats of Pokemon from strife and villainy, even if they are as small as “catch this old man’s Taillow because he is freaking out."  Now, before you get all excited about some sort of open-ended game just because I said the word “mission," you don’t actually sign up to do jobs on your own.  They are given to you by the relevant superior Ranger.  It’s much more linear than it sounds… not that this is a problem.    

The content of these missions usually involves the player having to capture and utilize a Pokemon’s power in the real world.  Capturing is an action that requires multiple circles to be drawn around the wild Pokemon in question.  After the requisite numbers of circles are drawn, the stylus is lifted and the wild Pokemon is captured.  Of course, the wild Pokemon will have an opinion about his being captured and attempt to elude or even attack the Styler line (the Capture Styler being the weird gadget of the game that allows Rangers to capture Pokemon).  If enough attacks drain the Styler’s energy, it’s game over.  If successful, the captured Pokemon will do your bidding once and then run off, with the exception of the partner Pokemon (Minun or Plusle), whose abilities can be used over and over.  The abilities are obvious.  Fire Pokemon can burn things impeding the Ranger’s path, Electric Pokemon can charge the Stlyer’s energy, etc.  Captured Pokemon even aid in the capturing of other Pokemon with Line Assists, where you can tap a Pokemon’s type advantage to tamp down a particularly unruly specimen, although even the most difficult of captures can be done without aid of any kind.  You continually capture Pokemon to advance in the game, as well as earning experience to level up the Styler’s abilities.    

This game is supremely fun.  It doesn’t stop being fun, even after the end of the game, when you enter the bonus missions, which I hear unlock something in the upcoming Pokemon Diamond/Pearl versions.  Even though the game sounds simple, as drawing multiple circles around a Pokemon certainly sounds, it keeps the gameplay fresh by introducing multiple captures and various minigame challenges.  I found myself strangely and frequently challenged by the game.  Even though I noticeably got better at the game as I was playing it, certain captures, like Salamence, still posed a significant challenge.  And thankfully, the challenge is not manufactured from bad controls, as the only control problem arises when you have too many friendly Pokemon allied with you and the screen gets a little cluttered.    

This game is the best Pokemon spinoff I have ever played, and I dare tread into volatile territory and say this is the best Pokemon game I have ever played.  It was fun every step of the way, even if I lost at times.  I was always motivated to have “just one more crack" at catching the tricky ones, especially the ones at the Jungle Relic dungeon.  I find this game to be most enjoyable and recommend it.    

Oh, I forgot.  Why do I think it makes more sense than the other Pokemon games?  The game is more like the world of Pokemon that all of the games in the series describe than any other game in the series.  The wild Pokemon are not caught and spirited away into inexplicable Pokeballs stashed away into some ambitious trainer’s pocket.  They exist and move in the world they live, wild and free, with no such strange technology keeping them restrained (well, heh, except for the Styler, but that’s a point against my argument, so it doesn’t count).  And this was a totally unnecessary paragraph right?  Eh… Alright.  Pokemon Ranger is good.  Review Over.

Pros:
       

The game is really, really fun  

Quite a bit of legitimate challenge  

Controls are clean and crisp

       Cons:
       

When you get a lot of helper Pokemon, it gets a bit tricky to select the one you want.

               Graphics:  8.0
       Perfectly clean and functional 2-D sprites.  No slowdown whatsoever.  No graphical boundaries are broken and none need be to be.

               Sound:  8.0
       There are some toe-tapping tunes in this game, and the sound effects are above average as well, even if they are still using some of those crusty 8-bit Pokemon sounds from the very first game.

               Control:  9.5
       A tiny mar robs perfection in the control category, as when the friend Pokemon begin to clutter the screen, it can be an obtuse exercise in trying to select the one you want.  The touch screen controls the entire game perfectly, otherwise.

                      Gameplay:  9.0
       Really fun.  The challenge keeps the gameplay interesting even into the later parts of the game, and thankfully that challenge is genuine.

 

       Lastability:  7.0
       I have beaten the game, and was surprised to see other missions and secrets awaiting me afterward.  However, there is no multiplayer mode, besides the “this is my top score in the minigame" variety.

 

       Final:  9.0
       I was pleasantly surprised at how much fun I had with Pokemon Ranger, and equally surprised at the high score I think it deserves.  You are welcome to write this game off as another cash-in spinoff, but I think you would be robbing yourself.  HAL did a good job with this one.      

[This is based off a cartoon or something, right?]

23

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Avatar: The Last Airbender

« on: October 30, 2006, 12:12:57 AM »

This is based off a cartoon or something, right?

I am not going to mince words.  This game is a supremely boring dungeon crawler and demonstrates that trait right from the get-go.  In fact, if you have ever played a dungeon crawler before, rest assured, no matter how boring it is, Avatar: The Last Airbender is worse.  Seriously: avoid.  But if you want me to actually earn my keep with a detailed review, you are welcome to stay as I rant about how boring this game is.    

Before I start I should say that I have never actually seen this particular cartoon, and so I do not know exactly how this ties into the overall plot.  But generally, this game is about Aang.  He’s the kid with the “this side up" arrows all over his body.  He’s an Airbender, and apparently there is a shortage of them as the title suggests.  Aang is discovered by a girl, Zatara, and her brother, Sokka, who are both Waterbenders.  They seek to make Aang into the Avatar, who is the master of all four elements.  And then there’s something about the Fire Nation invading and grabbing people.  If you want to know more, check your local listings.  Now, onto the game itself.    

The first thing you will notice is the cel-shaded graphics, but soon after they diminish as the camera zooms away from the cutscene to the actual gameplay.  The rest of the graphics are pretty bland, with nothing really special in the way of technical or artistic quality, which is typical of a licensed title, although the graphics do resemble the source material effectively.  The camera is terrible, and it really deserves special mention in this case.  At first I thought that the camera was fixed in its distant vantage.  I soon found that I could adjust the camera, but only to make it zoom out even more.  The boss fights offer a little relief in the zoom department, but on the whole, Avatar is brought down by the detached eye that is the camera system. It almost breaks the game by itself.    

The sound quality is muffled to a large extent, which makes the voice samples a little hard to hear and the background music detached from the action at times.  Not like that’s a big loss, because the voice samples range from the "hilarious guard give-and-take" to "insipid mutterings" by the player characters.    

The controls are quite bad.  The most aggravating control flaw is the menu system, which is obtuse and confusing.  Some menus exit with the B button and some with the Z button, which makes such a simple act as leaving the menu an overcomplicated hassle.  Even worse, the analog is over-sensitive on the menu screen, so you will find yourself suddenly switching pages on the menu without meaning to.  Remember when I said the camera was zoomed out a lot?  Well, it affects control too.  In fact the camera is too zoomed out for the actual gameplay, even at its closest distance.  It is very difficult to actually see what is going on, and when you get more party members, some of whom have very similar clothes, it gets hard to tell who’s who when the fight goes on.  There are “Chi Attacks" you learn as you level up, but they are mostly useless, with the only worthwhile one being the very first, which knocks down a lot of the enemies, allowing you to finally see what’s going on.    

But the real bulk of complaint comes from the main gameplay, which finds new ways to define fetch-quests and backtracking.  In this game, you fight and level up and pick up items, and you complete quests which involve a lot of fighting and leveling up and picking up items.  If the game already sounds dull, that’s because it is.  Quite.  In fact, I have never had a game so viciously opposed to me playing it.  The enemies get more numerous and respawn faster, and when you get new party members, the game decides to throw even more at you, which is tacitly unfair because your other members' AI is pretty bad (they get stuck on barrels and such) and, unless you are actually controlling them, they don’t seem to do much damage to the enemies.  You are basically doing all the work yourself, and that’s not fun when they gang up on just you out of your party, and it's much less fun when you start the game alone.  And this is all the game really is, fighting random enemies for experience, picking up the equipment and items that they drop, and leveling up for bosses that are quite unfun to fight and strangely unfair towards the player.  For example, the second boss requires you to level up outside for more than 40 minutes until you do respectable damage.  He has an odd attack pattern and can break through blocks.  This shouldn’t really be a problem because you have two teammates, but like I said earlier, they just can’t seem to damage the guy, so you spend your time trying in vain to find a pattern while he just wails on you until you die.  It just is not fun.    

There simply is not enough game variety to go around in this game.  Aside from a few simple minigames, the entire game is exactly the same from start to finish, and I find this sort of hack-n-slash deal boring to begin with.  This game even has a few bugs.  When I first played it, it would not even load the first level, and there are several points where the attack just doesn’t register even though they visibly connect.  This is really unacceptable.  You don’t have to make a masterpiece of a licensed title, but it should at the very least function.    

This is a hardest type of game to review, where its substandard qualities are hidden inside the most mediocre and unremarkable package.  Exceptionally good games are fun to play and review, and likewise exceptionally bad games are fun to play (read: laugh at) and review.  But this game falls squarely in the lower end of the middle, carving an unspectacular niche in the tree of licensed titles.

Pros:
       

I really can’t make a joke this time

       Cons:
       

Boring  

Tedious  

Buggy  

Menus are a pain  

Sound is muffled, but that’s alright because what there is forgettable

               Graphics:  5.0
       The cel-shading is a nice touch, but outside of the cutscenes you won’t see it much.  What you do see is bland and lifeless.  At least the framerate doesn’t drop.

               Sound:  4.0
       The sound seems a little muffled, but you are not missing much.  Mainly bad jokes and muted and forgettable music.

               Control:  3.0
       This game is a clunker, alright.  From non-responsiveness to flawed menu controls to strange bugs, it serves up the perfecta of bad controls.

                      Gameplay:  4.0
       I cannot stress how BORING this game is.  From the start you are tossed into a repetitive dungeon crawler and it doesn’t change, except for terrible minigames that do nothing to break the monotony.  The game is simply not varied enough to keep a player’s interest.

 

       Lastability:  4.0
       Avatar is a very lengthy game, although it may just feel that way because it is really, really boring.

 

       Final:  4.0
       Did I mention that you fight and pick up treasure and level up?  And that it’s boring?      

24

NWR Forums Discord / The Case Against Ian

« on: October 20, 2006, 03:34:20 AM »

his will be a special thread.

Only recently Poster Ian Sane made this snide comment in the Wii section of this forum.

"Good to hear that Nintendo won't be the sole seller of the cables this time around. Then maybe they won't cut the feature out of Wii's later on using self-inflicted poor sales as justification."

Basically out of nowhere and somewhat misguided.

But since Ian has a good memory and can remember back to March 19, 2004 when PGC posted that news story, I say we take a look back from March 19, 2004 to the present and see all the wonderful things Ian has said that in the interim.  Since Ian likes to bank and catalog every single one of Nintendo's mistakes, no matter how trivial, I say there should be an equivalent bank for his predictions and complaints.

The only rule of this thread is this.  Ian Sane cannot post in this thread for two weeks.  He will be given a chance to defend himself, should he choose, but not until there is a prepoderance of evidence.  Since this is the funhouse I can do such.  Doing so beforehand might result in cosequences.

I will start.

Quote
So in conclusion I'm only moderately impressed with Metroid Prime Hunters thus far. However I'm considerably impressed with the DS. The face buttons are really small which may be a problem with some games but otherwise I'm quite pleased with the general design. If Nintendo had something more interesting at launch I probably would have pre-ordered it right then and there.

Wow it's like he's might actually like the DS and, even if the Launch games might not be fantastickal, he will pick up the system in due t-

Quote
So Super Mario 64 DS really is the only first party launch title. F*CK THIS! Do you hear that Nintendo? It's the sound of my money being put back into my wallet. There's no way in HELL I'm buying one of these at launch. Hell even the announced future games don't look so hot so it might be years before I buy one of these things.

This is by far the worst launch lineup for any major system ever. I'm voting with my wallet. Don't make excuses for this. If this launch disappoints you don't buy the DS at launch and tell Nintendo that you're not going to put up with this crap

Wow, that enthusiasm disappeared quickly.  I mean wow, that was like only two months, from "Might have pre-ordered" to ""I hate this"

Can you people (minus IAN) find other examples?

[I cannot sum up my feelings on this game in a teaser sentence. There are darker forces here which decry such summary.]

25

TalkBack / REVIEWS: Barnyard

« on: September 10, 2006, 09:33:15 PM »

I cannot sum up my feelings on this game in a teaser sentence.  There are darker forces here which decry such summary.

It’s almost down to a formula now.  You have a CG talking animal movie, in this case Nickelodeon’s Barnyard, and what comes next?  Easy.  Licensed video games!  And the quality of such material ranges from the absolutely atrocious to the effortful above average.  Barnyard unfortunately belongs to the former.    

I will get to the game itself in a minute, but first there are a few things that bother me about the movie/game’s concept.  You won’t know this until you select your character (who you get to name because you aren't playing as anyone in the movie), but apparently every single cow has udders, even the bulls.  Now, I now, you are probably rummaging through your animal anatomy textbooks as you read and finding out that, yes, this is impossible.  The udder, by way of blasting out milk, is the main weapon in the game.  I’m sure for the bull characters it is some sort of prosthetic udder with a suitable lactate-substitute, but you dear readers have something much cheekier in mind, no doubt.  Gender-bending farm animals aside, the weirdness of the game’s concept is only just beginning.    

First off, this farm that houses all of this livestock apparently does not have an owner.  That is to say, there is no farmer.  He shows up later, but only in the way of “oh dear, the farmer is unconscious."  At no point do the animals talk to, or even about the farmer.  He remains enigmatic and elusive, possibly due to the obvious whacked-out genetic testing he is involved in.  Hermaphrodite cows must produce some tasty beef to go to all this trouble even to hide the farmer from the player, much less the outside world in the game.    

Now, the idea of farm animals standing upright and conversing is strange enough.  Yes, I understand that they only do this when humans aren’t around, and that is a premise of the movie.  And when they stand, a cow such as Otis (the main character in the movie), would gain a considerable height advantage over a typical human.  And several hogs on the farm, if big enough on four legs, would compare to the average height of a man as well.  However, one of Otis’s friends is a ferret named Freddy.  He is about as tall as Otis when he stands, which would make him the Ferret God.  Seriously, I can just see him waiting for the right moment when no human is around to rapidly expand his matter to eleven times that of a normal ferret and continue his reign.    

Somewhere in the plot of the movie, poor Otis’s father, Ben, another walking, talking bovine, dies at the hand of the local junkyard coyotes that roam the farmlands in search of bipedal livestock.  They make quick work of the father, apparently, as their “attack" is depicted as a lubberly gait away from the dead cow lying on the ground.  Not to be outdone, Otis buries his father that night and in the morning is already making somewhat of a mournful recovery.  This is a sequence that lasts scant seconds in the game.  To summarize:    

*Scene of Ben’s Death*    

1st second: Coyotes shamble away from Ben like there was a mild unpleasantness about him.  
2nd second: Otis runs up and Insta-Mourns.  
3rd second: Fade to black.  
4th second through 6th second: Grave site of Ben with full procession of farm animals whose names are easily forgotten.  
7th second: Fade to black.  
8th second: Game resumes!    

I’m sure Ben will live on in their hearts.    

I think you’ll notice by now that I haven’t said much about the game itself.  And that’s easy to explain.  There isn’t much to discuss.  The game is basically Animal Crossing without the community.  You walk around the farm with your cow avatar and do errands for people and play mini-games.  A few story events pop up here or there, and that’s it.  Well sure, you do earn “Barnyard Bucks" to spend at the Gopher Underground (the store, basically) but by way of some glitch other unexplained phenomena, any purchase made there never actually registers in the game. For example, I bought several items to upgrade what is apparently an upgradeable room in the basement of the barn, yet they never actually materialized there, and I remain as yet unsure exactly where they are.  They seemed to have disappeared into a black hole, never to be seen again.    

The mini-games range from mildly amusing (the raccoon-tossing one in particular) to dreadfully boring and bad (the fruit sorting game will be a frequent nightmare for me, I am sure) and the overall quality is unfortunately tilted towards the latter.  Nothing in this game is fun.  I could prattle on about the laundry list of problems with this game (the graphics, the irritating, repetitive music, and just the general overall lack of substance in Barnyard), but I don’t think you would appreciate that very much.    

You know, I think I’ll take this moment to ponder why I review these games.  It could be to test my hypothesis on the correlation between the number of corporate logos on game startup and how terrible a licensed game is.  Or, I could seriously be attempting to find those rare hidden gems that have either unwillingly been saddled with a license or actually attempt to expand said license in a meaningful way.  But, in any case, I have to be prepared for the reality that my work is meaningless.  The window for those whom my opinion would reach is quite narrow.  Enthusiasts are already disinclined to purchase Barnyard, and thus would not need to read this review.  Yet on the other hand, anybody who is inclined to get Barnyard for whatever reason most definitely does not read reviews about it.  This is quite a conundrum.  My only hope is that you, dear readers, are actual fans of my reviews.  And if you are, I thank you.  Seriously, you make writing these articles worthwhile.

Pros:
       

Caused me to evaluate myself and my desire to review licensed games  

The game displays on the top screen of my DS, which means the system functions and I do not need to have it repaired

       Cons:
       

Less substance than a nothing sandwich on thin air bread  

Grating, annoying, irritating, repetitive music  

Boring, tedious, and vapid

               Graphics:  5.5
       It is getting hard for me to rank GBA graphics on a numerical score.  I mean seriously… as long as the game isn’t an eyesore I can’t give it less than a five.  I added an extra half point for a particularly amusing sprite animation of the player’s avatar (a big cow) riding a tiny bicycle.

               Sound:  2.0
       The music that plays in this game is some of the most irritating and repetitive stuff I have ever heard.  And when it is the only thing you hear most of the time (sound effects are quite muted) it really made me reach for the volume slider on my DS.

               Control:  7.0
       There really is not much to control.  Some mini-games have small control issues but overall, they function adequately.

                      Gameplay:  3.0
       I have never found a more abundant source of not-fun.  One or two of the mini-games are slightly enjoyable (there’s a Frogger clone in here) but the rest are just bad.  Things you buy in the store never seem to actually appear anywhere.  The overworld is barren except for a few raccoons and coyotes you can “milk" to death if you even decide you want to fight them.  It just isn’t fun.  Seriously.

 

       Lastability:  2.0
       The game will last as long as it takes gravity to pull it down into a garbage can.

 

       Final:  2.0
       I hear the movie it is based on isn’t so hot either.