Topic: A formal apology

[Evan_B]

So I didn't want to put this in the funhouse because I thought people wouldn't take it seriously. I wanted to apologize to the board for how erratic and bizarre I have been acting as of late- my posts have been poorly constructed, confrontational, and pessimistic, and I don't like that part of me. I have been avoiding threads I've posted in because I don't want to see how people react to the way I've been writing.

As you can probably tell, I've been quite joyless over the past few months. I have also been hitting the bottle pretty hard. I'm not asking for sympathy here, but I did want to get these things out there so that I could have peace of mind. I thought that suffering through it was a sign of strength, but it's been tearing me apart mentally and physically to the point where I can't even talk about the things I enjoy without sounding bitter.

So I wanted to extend the topic to all of you, mostly because I'm through with being anonymous and through with being unconcerned with something that is most definitely a problem. Have any of you struggled with depression or alcohol abuse? I know this is really heavy, and I'm sorry for that. I'm also living in Japan right now and I'm kind of struggling with the language barrier so seeking professional help isn't much of an option right now.

Anyway, I only ask because I feel that this is a community of good, honest people who like what I like and I would very much like to contribute positively to this board. Thanks for hearing me out. Also, since I need to put it in writing: I will not be drinking for the next year, and I'll re-evaluate my options when that time comes.

[Phil]

Aw, man. I'm sorry for my post in the Splatoon topic. Sometimes things get so negative on a forum that when you're posting on it, you get some of that vitriol and unleash it on the wrong person. That and sometimes we forget that there are people on the other side of the Internet with emotions like ourselves.

Anyway, I've suffered from bipolar depression for about nine years now. It's made me check myself into a hospital for suicidal thoughts on multiple occasions, made me lose all interest in things I loved (this has since improved due to meds), have it where I'm still in college despite starting in 2004, and other "fun" things. I can definitely understand and sympathize with you.

Also, I'd definitely look into what counseling/therapy/psychiatrist options are available for an English-speaking person, if any. There has to be someone who can help.

[NWR_insanolord]

I hope you will be able to overcome this. From what you've said here you admit you have a problem and want to take measures to correct it, which is a good start, and best of luck to your efforts. We me disagree on things, but I like having you as a part of this community.

[Evan_B]

Thanks, and Phil, you really don't have to apologize. I started it, after all.

Thank you as well for the words of support. I understand this is a bit of a weird discussion to be having on a message board about video games, but I really needed to explain myself.

[Khushrenada]

I will admit you have seemed a bit off since around the time you removed the Digby avatar and have been expressing a growing dissatisfaction with the current state of gaming. Sorry to hear that it's because you were going through a bit of a dark time. You're not the first to express going though some feelings of depression. A larger thread on the subject was one started by ObbyDent who was Oblivion at the time and there were various comments made in it which may be of benefit to you. You may want to search through General Chat here for it.

In further addition to Phil's comment about remembering that other users are people and we may not always know what they're going through, it's why I have advocated and keep advocating that people post with a bit more whimsy and for fun. You have less of a chance of possibly adding to someone's depression. Of course, there are times where I will argue or get serious about something if I think it is a point worth reasoning more on or if it just seems like a really dumb point was made. Yet, one of the few times I did that recently was against Broodwars who later posted that he had also been going through a rough patch in life at the time he made a couple posts I went after him on which doesn't make anyone feel good about how things played out. So, yeah, it is always something to remember if one does find themselves bugged by a poster and wants to flame them.

In the end, I haven't found any of your recent postings worth apologizing over but then I also haven't been visiting the Gaming Forums sections of the forums too much in the past month sticking more with Community and Interactive. Nothing in your posting is like what would happen with Animecyberrat / marvel_moviefan_2012 who would feel the need to create a ton of threads or just post odd random comments all over to vent to do something to get through what he was feeling at that moment. You haven't been that disruptive to me. Not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing from your point of view but just sharing my side.

I wish you luck on getting a handle with alcohol if you feel it is becoming an issue for you. I don't really have much to help you out in that regard. The truth is, I hardly drink alcohol nor have I ever done drugs. That might be surprising for many here considering what some of my posting looks like on these boards but it's all pure Khush. I don't even drink coffee. I'm not a Mormon but it comes from something I picked up as a teenager. Could have been Agatha Christie or maybe it was Doyle or maybe it was a movie but some kind of fictional hero that I liked mentioned about how they never drank because they didn't ever want to dull their senses but keep themselves alert at all times. As a big believer in respecting the power of one's brain and keeping it sharp, I took the advice to heart. I don't want to damage it but it keep it running in top shape as much as possible. To me, seeing people who need their caffeine fix or develop headaches without it, I've tried to avoid caffeinated drinks as well because I want my brain to have the muscles and will to get through and learn things on its own without aids or crutches. Whether any of this is an ideal for you or sounds like me showing a mental illness of my own is for you to decide. I just thought I'd share my own motivation for how and why I've handled certain stimulants in life in case it could be of benefit to you.

[Phil]

And Evan, since I know how it is to get down and post on message boards and have a history, feel free to PM me any time you want to chat or vent.

[nickmitch]

I hope you're able to work things out.  Depression is a beast, but it can be beaten!

[Adrock]

I thought you got snippy at times, but I chalked that up to the way people in general come off on message boards. Sometimes people say things and it gets construed differently than intended.

Alcohol has never worked for me as an outlet. There's a great Simpsons quote: Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away. People handle depression and whatnot in different ways. I'm not a trained professional so I don't want to come off as trying to be an expert or anything. All I have is anecdotal evidence which may or may not be helpful to you. When I noticed feeling off doing a certain thing, I stopped doing that. Maybe it reminded me of something even if it wasn't the activity itself that bothered me. For example, some years back, that was video games. That didn't mean I couldn't enjoy it again in the future, but while trying to sort things out in my head, I found it better to avoid gaming. I mean, I still posted here because I liked the community, but I was playing even less than I already was due to having a job and so forth. Times when I'd normally sit down for a short while and play games were spent doing other things. I generally avoided activities that kept me in my own head. I know you said you're in Japan, but I recommend surrounding yourself with decent people if possible.

[lolmonade]

For what it's worth, I didn't see you as anything worse than occasionally argumentative, but also figured "hey, what's a forum for other than to exchange ideas & engage in debate with others?".
 
I've had bouts as a teenager/young adult where I wouldn't necessarily call it being "depressed", but where life maybe beat me up a little more than its fair share.  Alcohol is an easy crutch at those times because at least starting out, it dulls the senses a little bit, might allow you to be distracted from the thing that's constantly nagging your mind, and eventually once you get too drunk, you pass out.  That said, start doing it too long, and it bleeds into all other aspects of your life and you do everything poorly. 
 
I guess what i'm saying is - without knowing your personal situation, be careful about how you cope with the issues you're working on right now.  It's a hard climb back to normal, especially when also dealing with self-medication.

[oohhboy]

surrounding yourself with decent people if possible.

This.

If decent people aren't available, don't surround yourself with just any people, it will just defer the problem into an even worse outcome. I know, I have been there. The people I was with on the surface were polite enough but weren't even interested in forming the most basic emotional links. I wasn't being emotionally fed and I am still not to a sufficient to a degree, but I am better without them as I was feeding my emotional energy to them and got nothing back. That said, we are here for you if you need it.

Depression has many underlying causes. For me it was anger. I was a ragealcoholic. While I rarely directed it at others, it was directed internally. It was both causing my depression and my method of self medication. I finally got my anger in check when I was told to stop fighting anger. Anger has a place, anger is useful, I was abusing it.

That said I was and still is fundamentally bi-polar. My struggle isn't over yet despite years of different treatments. The current medication is great for keeping me emotionally stable(Not dead), But has done little to stabilise the more physical symptoms like the inability to have normal sleep patterns or getting rest from sleep, lack of energy, mental clarity or the short manic like periods where I have lots energy, but none of the judgement or clarity to use it other than the increased reflexes and tirelessness for sports.

Here is a directory of english speaking providers you can search and some very important phone numbers. If nothing else, this maybe of help, but they do charge a fee for their services.

While GPs mostly deal with physical aliments, they know enough to send you to more specialized care and do care about your mental well-being. Psychology is more than an art than a science even today. Do not be discouraged if you find something doesn't work. Maybe it wasn't right for you and might very well make things worse like it did for me for a while. You need to identify it is wrong for you and move on, like what you have already done by coming here. It could very well be your initial diagnosis was wrong, but you have to let the process play out until you find the solution for you.

You have already started the process of getting better, keep going.

[Ian Sane]

I'm not a trained professional so I don't want to come off as trying to be an expert or anything. All I have is anecdotal evidence which may or may not be helpful to you. When I noticed feeling off doing a certain thing, I stopped doing that. Maybe it reminded me of something even if it wasn't the activity itself that bothered me. For example, some years back, that was video games. That didn't mean I couldn't enjoy it again in the future, but while trying to sort things out in my head, I found it better to avoid gaming. I mean, I still posted here because I liked the community, but I was playing even less than I already was due to having a job and so forth. Times when I'd normally sit down for a short while and play games were spent doing other things. I generally avoided activities that kept me in my own head. I know you said you're in Japan, but I recommend surrounding yourself with decent people if possible.

This is a pretty damn good advice.  I recently had a relationship end and it's still very much on my mind and it's the moments alone that are tough.  Stuff like my commute to work where it's just me and my thoughts are a major struggle.  I've been finding excuses to spend time with my parents and brothers and it really does help.  It just lets me get distracted and forget about my troubles for a little bit.  When someone resorts to drinking in such times is it not to distract them?  The distraction is a good way to cope, it just needs to be something less destructive.