Dear Evan:
Planet GameCube fans are concerned, Evan, and rightly so! You bitch a lot, after all, and there's only so much we can take. I don't remember the last time you posted something positive on the site or the forums. Do you like to spread pain around? Your last editorial, quite pompously titled "An Open Letter to Nintendo," is the last effing straw. Let's review the major points.
One, you hate everything.
I mean, TPWii, Elebits, Red Steel, Project H.A.M.M.E.R., do you even like Nintendo? Go find a dry tree and hump it.
Two, you're pretentious.
Who uses words like obfuscate and concatenation? Do you read the dictionary while you're at home anticipating articles that you can write them into? Pathetic. Oh, and you write like people care what you say. Screw off.
I've read your blog Evan (MySpace, ugh). It's not that good. You're a little more positive and you only talk about movies, but I can't even tell what you're saying! For example:
"A film is therefore a divided work where each part functions independently of the others - synthesis and artistry don't play into the overall quality."
Like, WTF? Are you even talking about movies? Cause I talk about movies all the time and I've never said a sentence like that, like ever.
Three, you don't own PGC.
You've only been here for eight months and you only got hired because you're an old friend of Jonny's, so why parade around like you own the place? And now you talk pretentiously for a half hour and hope that people will come to PGC and download the recording! Dammit man, get a life.
Four, an open letter to Nintendo? For real?
Five, like seriously, I mean, is Nintendo going to read it? Ahahahahahah.
Six, no really, THAT'S FUNNY.
I'm sympathetic to you, Evan. I know your pain (after all, I'm you). I know how hard it is to believe that you have an important voice or something to say and you want to share it. It was foolish to think that you actually spoke for a group of people, especially PGC people, and that what you had to say was valuable and that anyone shared your opinion. It was dumb to write yet another negative article and then throw your arms open waiting for everyone to hug you.
But I guess the real reason I'm sympathetic with you, Evan, is that I agree with you. I just wish you hadn't written that stupid article. So I'm angry at you, just as angry as everyone else. It's too late to take it down and now your idiocy is on display to the world. So if you shrivel and die in that shoebox apartment of yours, that's fine by everyone, but not with me because I was pretty sure that we had a good understanding between each other. So don't die, just, eh, I dunno, apologize? I know that's a bit out of your range of behavior, but if you get the gumption it may work to your advantage. And don't go apologizing some backwards way, like through a fake open letter to yourself that you post only in the Funhouse. Only a douche bag would do that.
With Love, your Fan, Friend, and Lover
Evan T. Burchfield
Topic: An Open Letter to Myself (Read 2923 times)
