My wife mentioned today, upon seeing the Super Mario Bros. 3 shirt I was wearing, that it was bad enough that I was going out in public with my awesome paleo hat on, but that I was also wearing a shirt that 7 and 8-year-olds wear. I called shenanigans--unless they've been purposefully exposed to it, I'd bet my bottom dollar that the majority of gamers born after the year 2000 (feel old yet?) never played that landmark NES title.

Why do I bring up this seemingly random conversation? Because it provided some inspiration for this newest exclusive bi-weekly NWR feature: Retro Revival. Well, that and Neal Ronaghan's excellent "Extra Life" feature, which you should also be reading.

For this feature, however, I intend to search out and play an older game every two weeks, then discuss its merits in a humorous way. My "older game" backlog is considerable, though you probably won't see many NES games, since my NES has been on the fritz for years. Still, it's my esteemed hope that you enjoy this feature as much as I'm going to enjoy recounting my childhood.

One caveat: since my NES has been on the fritz since Clinton's re-election, you won't see too many 8-bit classics here. I apologize for that, but I can offer some good news: my cabinet is packed with crunchy, nutritious Game Boy and Game Boy Color games. I also have a healthy collection of SNES and N64 games, which is often inflating due to my complete lack of financial responsibility. One more thing: this feature can be seen as the younger, more attractive sister feature to Neal Ronaghan's "Extra Life" feature, which has a great personality. Props to Neal, who largely inspired this...retro revival.

With that said, let's swing right into our first title: Bionic Commando: Elite Forces, an excellent late-era Game Boy Color game from 1999 developed by Nintendo Software Technologies. In it, you assume the unassuming role of a cybernetic--one might say bionic--commando out to stop a tyrannical madman from destroying the world with an ancient alien weapon called Project Albatross!

The real tragedy here is that Katie, on the left, is right-handed.

But it's not as simple as running around and shooting things while also swinging around large environments and sometimes sniping guys in little sniping minigames. Actually, that's exactly what you're doing, but it's not simple. In fact, swinging from tree to tree (or ledge to ledge) requires some modicum of effort and skill...and also lots of luck. You see, kids, the game often requires you to grapple small, almost inconsequential pieces of scenery that requires precise timing and extensive use of The Force. Failure to deploy your freakish claw at the opportune moment often results in death. There's a reason there are only two "elite" commandos.

You're doing it wrong.

Basically, the game is a run-and-grappler: you choose your loadout at the beginning of every mission, then high-tail is through jungles, cities, caves, and the occasional graffiti-laden sewer system. In between perilous swinging sessions, you'll find yourself accosted by armed soldiers--some of whom can actually fly--and alien life forms. You may defend yourself with armor and BFG's. Your loadout choices expand with every stage you manage to beat, although this certainly isn't Metroid; there's never a reason to revisit a stage. Your journey merely becomes easier...sort of. You see, the difficulty ramps up along with your artillery, so there's never a dull moment.

"There should be a large gray button that says 'push to close.' Push it."

Luckily, in addition to handing you new guns, armor, and useless decoders, the game also lets you "level up" by upgrading your health points through experience. Every enemy you kill drops a little canister. Pick up enough canisters, and your maximum health increases.

Luckily for the player, you can totally return to previous, easier levels and farm canisters to your heart's content. Additionally, should you require extra lives (you will!), your commando can visit roving enemy ships that move around the map and earn up to two extra lives per visit in these bizarre, loosely-handled overhead segments.

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

The most frustrating sections of the later levels involve the timing and precise aiming necessary to string together a group of successful swings. Often, you will not only need to hit that grapple point within a very limited window, you will also need to hit it with just the right amount of grapple line out so that you can actually swing to your next target...which is usually off the screen entirely.

Death, like taxes or new versions of the original Star Wars trilogy, is a constant, looming threat. The second most frustrating aspect of the game are the boss fights. Remember those old NES games where bosses didn't really have patterns to learn? They'd just basically run toward you, causing death by smothering? Most old Castlevania bosses fit this mold. It's similar here, except the bad guys don't just run after you--they also shoot you. Relentlessly. Often, the only way to kill them is to take hits and shoot at them at a higher rate. In one encounter, you'll need to keep the sound up and the boss' sprite off the screen entirely so that you can tell you're hitting him, but his AI is unaware of you.

In the future, light bulbs will be able to hold the weight of an elephant.

Despite its shortcomings, Bionic Commando: Elite Forces is a great game. It's very pretty, sprites animate with surprising fluidity, and if you're a fan of Radio Trivia: Podcast Edition, you already know that it has a kickass soundtrack. If you don't listen to that particular podcast, I'll just say here that it has a kickass soundtrack. Also, listen to Radio Trivia: Podcast Edition. Just be aware of Elite Forces' old-school difficulty, and you should be fine.

And that's been the maiden episode of Retro Revival!

NEXT TIME: I haven't decided yet!