Topic: Anyone else deal with depression or knows someone who does?

[Phil]

You don't have to come forward if you don't want to, but I feel like this a close-knit community, which I've made a lot of friends in. Maybe you don't consider me to be your pal, and that's okay! :)


Anyway, I've dealt with bipolar depression for over a decade now. When symptoms first came, my mood was all over the place. When I got mad, I would snap and punch holes in walls, throw things, slam bang, etc. However, with the proper medication, I don't get manic symptoms anymore.


However, depression is a totally different beast. I get that a lot. It makes me not want to be social (which doesn't help my avoidant personality), it makes me lonely, etc., etc. All that "fun" stuff.


It also cost me my position here at NWR, which I was enjoying, although my continued work on my own site made it hard to write so much in a given week. I'll spare details as that is private, but it's something I regret to this day. It's just another thing that my mental illness has taken from me.


Thankfully I have pushed myself out into more social scenes. I got the Independent Game Developers' Association meet-ups and some events. I go out to lunch or dinner with the people I've met through the STL IGDA and college (which I started in 2004, but because of my illness, I'm STILL doing). And I've become a better person overall. I'm not the same person who would go on message boards trolling people and insulting them to make myself feel superior or to hide my feelings of inadequacy.


I have a few more semesters left to go, but I'm certain I can do it. The illness has made me call some semesters off, but I am hopeful finally. It's a wonderful feeling to have hope, and it's even more wonderful to have people who support me and are hopeful for me, too.


Anyone have any experience with depression or, god forbid, a mental illness?

[BlackNMild2k1]

It will be a wonderful day when you can hang that degree on your wall just so that you can say you did it. Hopefully you can put it to use one day.

As far as depression and things like that.... dont' think so.
but I've become a more inwardly supressed person and withdrawn from public life as time has gone on. But I think that has more to do with no more drinking, smoking or going out in general (since that usually involves drinking and smoking). But I haven't been lonely or "alone" for as long as I can remember. There is always someone around to give me what I need, and honestly, I cherish the moments I have alone. the peace, the quiet. it's all taken for granted.

[Phil]

I'm doing Interactive Digital Media, which is media for Internet, video, games, etc. (I probably didn't need to spell that out, so I'm not trying to talk down to anyone! :<)


Anyway, I'm hoping to go into game design/development. That's why I posted my demo here. Just to get more feedback and the like.

[Oblivion]

Yes, I have, for quite some time. My depression makes me incredibly lazy and angry all the time. I never want to do anything productive until the last minute. I hate being alone, but I also don't feel like making friends so I just sit in a stew of loneliness and anger wondering why no one likes me.


The worst part is that sometimes, my lack of caring extends to my well-being, but I feel like that part of me is leaving.


My girlfriend suffers from depression worse than I do. You can guess what kind of relationship two depressed people have.

[Phil]

I would think one "positive" about you both having depression, if there ever were such a thing, is that you can both know what it's like to have depression and have a better understanding. You can have empathy for one another. It won't be BS like when someone who doesn't have serious depression tries to make you feel better by saying "Yeah, I know how it feels..."


I'm 28, and I'm single. I got nothing in the way of romance, so I envy you in that regard.

[Oblivion]

Well, the issue there is that we don't understand each other's depression. She feels worst about her weight, when I think she just needs to lower her caloric intake and walk for half an hour every day. I feel worst about my future and where I belong in the world, whereas she has known that she's wanted to be a music instructor since she was 10.


While we do understand that crushing sense of dread and sadness within each other, we don't understand each other's reasons for feeling that way, and that's where we have issues sometimes.

[Phil]

Totally forgot about that. Yes, it's hard to understand why a person is depressed, not just how it feels to be depressed. Many can look at you and go, "You have a girlfriend, you're relatively healthy, why are you depressed? I'M the one that should be depressed."


I hope what I just wrote made sense!  :Q

[Ceric]

Welcome to the NHK.

I'm fairly sure I'm considered Depressed but, I also have a weird relationship with the RNG Saints, see Earthbound Discussion for a good snapshot and extend to real life.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Totally forgot about that. Yes, it's hard to understand why a person is depressed, not just how it feels to be depressed. Many can look at you and go, "You have a girlfriend, you're relatively healthy, why are you depressed? I'M the one that should be depressed."


I hope what I just wrote made sense!  :Q

I wanted to post and say that I don't get depression.Like is it a chemical imbalance or just a self-pity party, a mixture of both, something inbetween? But I really didn't want to sound ignorant and/or insensitive about it, I just don't understand it.

I see people from time to time fall into a spell of depression because they did something insignificant in the grand scheme of their life, but for some reason it holds a heavy weight on them and they can't seem to just get over it and move on.
something stupid like (for example) crushing on a girl, finally talking to her, but saying something really stupid that makes her think you're a wierdo and then she disses you, so then they would slink into some shell of negative self worth for months because of this insignificant incident.

I don't know if that what is being discussed when you say that you depressed, but that's the kind of thing I think of

[Phil]

You can feel depressed when a negative event happens to you, but the type of depression I am talking about is yes, a chemical imbalance. There's usually no rhyme or reason. It just hits you, and you can't help but stay in a funk. Medication only goes so far. It can sometimes make things worse by making you apathetic towards everything.


Anyway, I don't get depressed because of an event. I get depressed because that's how I am wired.



It's the same way with bipolar disorder. Some might ignorantly say that a person is just very moody or has a bad temper, when it's so much more. My depression and bipolar disorder both showed up in my young adulthood. Since being on the right cocktail of meds, so to speak, I am a much better functioning person. I still can't work, but I'm at least able to go to school.

[BlackNMild2k1]

I figured it was more of an imbalance that led to irrational/irregular feeling and behavior, but some of the people I know seem to claim it for attention or as an excuse.
and that is an anecdotal case of the few shaping my perception of the whole.

I know it exist for some and is really serious if not treated, but I don't know any of those people.

My sister claims to be on meds for depression, but I honestly don't know why she would be depressed. She does have a personality disorder, but that's a topic for different discussion... or maybe not. Maybe this is the explanation after all.

[Caterkiller]

Phil have you ever tried martial arts? I don't know true depression but I have known physical activity to really help others out and in my opinion martial arts can't be beat. I've seen people completely change over the course of a few years, physically and mentally.

The life lessons one can gain from it are really nice. And I don't mean just a bunch of cool quotes read from a book, but actually practicing routines and learning the true value of persistence.

It makes people very physically and mentally strong. You imagine the constant repetitions to make your kicks lightning fast yeah it tones your legs and butt up but mentally that's where people really show their stuff. It takes so much mental strength to just keep going day after day and at some point you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize the guy in the mirror. I remember after my first 4 years I earned my 1st degree black belt and Jesus Christ the pain that I went through mentally and physically really shaped my thought process to what it is today. I'm not super man, but when I'm having a hard time with anything, money, job or family and it gets me down I just think back to how hard I used to think certain things used to be but ultimately I made it through and nothing has been as hard as earning that first black belt.

Having that confidence and discipline just helps make people happy. There is always going to be something jacking up a cool flow in life but I've seen Martial Arts do wonders for people.

You feel like you can help people and that's always good for the soul. Creating things are good for people to be happy as well. And when you are the creation, a person who has gained a fairly unique skill, it does feel great.

I just think it's something to look into.

You know I was actually trying to figure out how we could do some sort of martial arts together. Some sort of NWR get together but some sort of online Skype like thing. I'd stream live video of me to who ever decides to tune in then they follow along and I give you real time instruction and correction. I'm not entirely sure of the logistics but I think it could benefit some people here. I have been told I am 37th best teacher in Southern Los Angeles area. Just saying!

[MysticGohan]

I've been seriously depressed, but most would know the reason why as stated in my thread below somewhere. I lost my angel whom I loved for 15yrs, metastasized breast cancer. Seems cancer has taken my two greatest loves in life my mom and my angel. It hurts as I feel alone, I have no family and no friends, I just have her sister who lives in NJ and a house who I share with her son.

It's hard, as she was the only person who's been there for me, my family just is never there.

Just leaves me lonely and severely depressed.

[Phil]

@Caterkiller No, I haven't, but I do try to regularly go to the gym. I often get a walker's high (I don't run) after about an hour on the treadmill. I notice I get susceptible to feeling down when I don't work out for a good while.


@MysticGohan Two deaths of the two most important people in your life is definitely something to be depressed about. Do you find enjoyment in doing anything, or is the sadness just so overwhelming? I can imagine it's not easy at all to snap out of when it's caused by something like that kind of one-two punch. :/


Anyway, I'm sorry for your losses. Do you have online people you can talk to? Have you thought about therapy at all?

[Stratos]

I read some articles about environmental causes for depression in people's lives. If I can find them again I will share.


I went through a period of depression when I was off at college in Portland. It was when I re-signed up for this forum as Stratos. Life was rough for me at that time. I was struggling in school and dealing with some personal loses.


A lot of elements were involved in creating this environment. I worked graveyard shifts and struggled to sleep during the day. I ate a very unhealthy diet that counteracted any exercise attempts I made and eventually I gave up on exercise completely and became more lethargic. I was without a steady job for over a year and could not even land an interview during that time. I also turned away from my 'happier' friends because I hated myself more when I was around them. One of my long-time roommates and good friends was clinically depressed and struggled with self mutilation. Two other good friends 'turned on me' in my mind and things went down between us that felt like betrayals to me. Sometimes I would just cry for no reason and anytime I failed at even the most minor of tasks I turned into a wreck.


So I was in a bad spot. In some ways I've healed, I've grown strong and overcome those dark times. But a part of that darkness still holds a place inside of me. I use it to remember the bad times as a motivation to do what I can to stay out of the pit. I a way I feel much like the Hobbits Frodo and Sam at the end of the Lord of the Rings when they are back at the Shire. I went through a great ordeal and it has forever changed me. Things can never quite go back to they way they were, nor should they.


Some things I have learned that help:


1) Get some outdoors time. We are always in the dark, in our rooms with our digital screens in front of us. I know that was me 90% of the time and when I was out I was on my phone, laptop or other digital device. Get out and get some air, even in the city. Work in an office? Go out for an 'air break'. Smokers get a double reason to go outside ;)


2) Get some sunlight. Similar to #1, but specifically this is a nutrient need. Our bodies use sunlight to synthesize vitamin D. No sun where you are? Supplement it!


3) Talk to people face-to-face. We are communal creatures and when we deprive ourselves too much of human contact. With forums and Facebook we trick our minds into thinking we are getting plenty of social time but without the end-game gratification. This goes for introverts too. I am one and I like my solitude but you still need to get out from time to time.


4) Sleep! Quality over quantity. I know I would sometimes sleep for 12-15 hours and still feel lethargic and tired. I then would get even more depressed because I wasted my off day not doing anything meaningful. Make sure the room is pitch dark because your body needs a dark place to produce the melatonin your body needs for a balanced brain chemistry. A lot of the drugs that doctors give people for clinical depression involve this and a few other brain chemicals that are out of balance in your brain to help them realign. Also, try to sync your sleep pattern with that of the sun. Not always easy but it sure does help the outlook of your day if you are up before noon. I always felt I had so little time in my day because of how late I would get up and then suddenly it was night in a few hours. I felt my existence on earth was a waste of air and space.


5) Eat a satisfying, limited number of meals a day. Sitting there grazing on snacks does not properly nourish your body. Eat good solid meals a few times a day. Do not be afraid of good tasty meat and fats. A lot of research is showing the value of what was once deemed unhealthy. You need good fats to support your body and without them you constantly get hungry and feel off balance. Get a good solid meal in your belly and limit your sugars, both real and fake. Diet change can play a big roll in recovering from depression and getting healthier can have the side benefit of getting you into better shape which leads to...


6) Improve your self image. You feel like a fat lazy slob? No wonder if you look in the mirror and see one like I did. I tried to work out but I ended up eating such a destructive diet that it was counterproductive and I eventually gave up or working out at all. As mentioned before, physical exertion can be great for the body as well as the mind and spirit. Don't focus on the outside alone though, but the inside. I was not bothered as much by my physical appearance as my mental one. I felt I was a nobody. Not having achieved anything of substantial merit or value. Read some books on a topic that interests you. Learn a new skill or pick up a new hobby. Take a community class on something like pottery or martial arts (hey, this also gets you in shape and gets you face-to-face with people! Mark a couple items off of this silly list I made at once). The important thing is to do something that makes you feel accomplished and of value. How do you do this...?


7) Set some goals and devise a plan to achieve those goals. Author and speaker Steven Covey speaks of how successful people write out 'to-do lists' and complete on average 70% or more of their tasks. Write what steps it will take to achieve your goals and plan how and when you will reach each milestone. Achieving personal milestones can greatly Improve Your Self-Image. Don't just make daily goals, but think broader. Where do you want to be in 5 years? 10 years? 20? then devise a plan to make sure you get there. Don't know how to get there or what steps to take? Google it!


8) Your attempts not working? See a professional. We are all human, and we all need help from time to time and there are instances where there is more going on than you realize. It may even be something like a chemical imbalance or serious medical condition where you need extra assistance from a professional. Go see a counselor, a therapist, doctor or pastor. There are places where you can go to get that stuff for free even if money is a concern. If you have health insurance some of those things are even covered by it. The important thing to know is that you are not alone.


So, that was a huge wall of text. I hope it was of help to those here who are in pain. I know what it was like for me to be in that dark place, but no one but yourself truly knows where you are.


Feel free to PM me if you need a listening ear (or...eye, since it is a forum we read).




The TL:DR
1) Get some outdoors time.
2) Get some sunlight.
3) Talk to people face-to-face.
4) Sleep! Quality over quantity.
5) Eat a satisfying, limited number of meals a day.
6) Improve your self image.
7) Set some goals and devise a plan to achieve those goals.
8) Your attempts not working? See a professional.

[MysticGohan]

It's hard sometimes I think about ending it all. I miss her very much, she was my life and I care about her so much. I had seen a counselor awhile over it, but it's one thing to talk about things but another when it's not someone who's in your life everyday.

I find myself alone, my family doesn't exist. no friends. Just her son and her sister who lives far away. It's emotionally draining. reason, I'm on disability, I don't drive and I live in a small area, not much around here. Mostly I lost the one person who was the closest to me.

[lolmonade]

Hyperbole and a Half did a post on depression.  Can anyone comment as to if that's similar to how you feel?


There was a couple of years as a 19/20 year old I felt depressed all the time.  I finally came out and told my parents how I was feeling, and how I felt I was losing it, and they took me to the doctor.  I was fortunate enough to find out that it was largely because I was malnourished from eating far too little, and once I got back to a healthy diet, I eventually started feeling better.  It was probably partially that and teen angst on my part.


Hope those of you who do have a sincere form of depression or psychological issues seek assistance.  There's nothing worse than trying to handle these kinds of feelings alone.

[Pixelated Pixies]

Depression is very a strong trait on my father's side of the family. I won't go into details, but my father and both his brothers each died as a result of depression and/or alcoholism.

It is, therefore, something I'm very conscious of.

I am also prone to depression and am exceedingly introverted (not to be confused with being shy). I am, thankfully, an emotionally intelligent person, self-aware, and confident. Being so very introverted can be troubling (both for myself and those who know me), I'll probably never feel truly at ease with other people for example, but it has it's strengths too. While others might crave the reassurance, comfort and attention of those around them, I'm very much capable of doing my own thing, of having independence, of focusing on inward reflection rather than broadcasting outwardly to the world.

I'm not saying that the support of others isn't helpful, but there's also a certain strength to be found in understanding your own nature and of reconciling that with the type of life you wish to lead.

[Ian Sane]

I've suffered depression but it wasn't a chemical imbalance or mental illness or at least I don't think it was.  I've been depressed because of shitty things going down in my life, the sort of things that would make any rational person depressed.  **** happened and it felt like my life was a train that had derailed.  No problem.  Get the train back on the tracks and move on.  I only started feeling depressed after a couple failed attempts at getting my life back on track.  Depression crept in when the thought of "maybe this train is just fucked for good" entered my head.  My assumption was always that once my personal life turned around again for the better then I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

... and I still wonder that because things haven't turned around.  I've just gotten more used to the situation so I'm not as depressed as I was.  Most days I'm fine, I'll just occasionally have a bad day where something happens that "pokes" at me for lack of a better word (Imagine if you were depressed that your father died so Father's Day "pokes" you because it reminds you of it.)  Cynicism has mostly replaced the depression which is not good but it certainly is easier to live with.

[marvel_moviefan_2012]

My sister says she is bipolar but I still don't understand what it means. I first though it was something her lawyer made up to get her off the hook but she swears its a real thing.

 As for being alone, I think we all feel that, why else do we look for friends on the internet? I think that is a part of our modern society for all the connectivity we have online it just makes us more distant in person and I think it's going to lead us down a very dark path sooner rather than latter. You are right about a close knit family I got that from reading the post about the guy who lost his wife recently, sounds like the people here all care about each other and that is one reason why I signed up, I could use some of that in my life being more open to other peoples needs, being more social even if it is just online.



One good way to feel better is to get into a church, even if you do not share their beliefs its a good place to find real support, I used to go to a church that had an addictions outreach program and I saw a lot of people turn their lives around even if they didn't convert to the faith.

[Oblivion]

I think my girlfriend is cheating on me or is about to. So I guess you could say I feel like **** and it isn't improving my depression.

[Ceric]

I think my girlfriend is cheating on me or is about to. So I guess you could say I feel like **** and it isn't improving my depression.

Oblivion let me shine some light on this.  She has not evolved to FiancĂ©e or Wife so if your going to get cheated on this would be the best time when its the easiest to move on.

If your in the think stage just give here the benefit of the doubt.  If your still having fun I wouldn't dwell on it and let it eat you away.  It doesn't help anyone.  Especially not you.

If you must dwell on it.  What makes you think she would cheat on you?  Is that a quality you want in a life long partner?  Is it worth the fall out if you get it wrong to confront her?  Maybe it could be time to just move on before it gets more difficult.

[Oblivion]

I don't fucking know anything right now. I don't know what to think or feel. I'm getting so tired of all this ****.


I've always thought she was the one for me...

[BlackNMild2k1]

you're young. You probably don't even know what real love it yet.

There are a few things to look for to know if she may be cheating on you though.
- Behavioral changes towards you (i.e. secret phone calls or messages, suddenly secretive with stuff she was previously open about, annoyed for no reason of minor things that used to not ever be a big deal, started wearing perfume, or different more revealing outfits)
- not around as often as usual or not returning calls/text/messages as promptly as before
- she doesn't want physical connection/activity anymore or nearly as often
- you catch her in the act giving it to another man/woman
- She says the dreaded "we need to talk..."

[marvel_moviefan_2012]

everyone is going to say something different so might as well chime in. Take a deep breath and don't stress about it man, go for a long walk alone with your thoughts and see where you end up. I lost my fiance right before we got married and it was the hardest thing to go through, but a few years latter I basically got over it. being cheated on is probably hard to deal with but it's not the end of the world, its just her way of moving on before she is ready to admit she is moving on.