Author Topic: Jokes (Read 3872 times)

Swordsplay · « **on:** November 25, 2003, 08:32:36 PM »

If you need a quick breather from posting a lot, you came to the right place! This post is meant for you to post your jokes. Humor is the best medicine for those who need it most.

Here's my joke:

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

give up?

One is plastic and hazardous to children, and the other one holds your groceries!

THE_BLINK_EFFECT · « **Reply #1 on:** November 25, 2003, 09:17:07 PM »

LOL good one

PIAC · « **Reply #2 on:** November 25, 2003, 09:40:23 PM »

Quote
Originally posted by: Swordsplay

LOL

those that can entertain themselves will never cease to be amused.. or something like that, that was someone's sig for a while..

nitsu niflheim · « **Reply #3 on:** November 26, 2003, 02:36:54 AM »

What's green and says "I'm a frog"?

A talking frog

Fish · « **Reply #4 on:** November 26, 2003, 03:13:15 AM »

What does a turtle and a elephant have in common?

Neither of them is a wrench!

enigma487 · « **Reply #5 on:** November 26, 2003, 03:57:03 AM »

So. There is a computer science major walking down the street when he sees this frog. He doesn't think much of it initially, but when he gets close, the frog clears it's throat and says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The student thinks to himself for a second, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. After taking a few minutes of walking, the frog again clears it's throat and says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The student takes the frog out of his pocket, stares at it for a minute or so, then places it back into his pocket and resumes his walk. After another couple minutes, the frog is getting slightly annoyed, so again, she clears her throat. The student takes her out of his pocket and looks at her. The frog then says, "If you didn't hear me, I'm a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I'll change back from a frog." To this, the student replies, "I'm a computer science major. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's awesome."

Jdub03 · « **Reply #6 on:** November 26, 2003, 05:28:56 AM »

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

PIAC · « **Reply #7 on:** November 26, 2003, 08:16:57 AM »

HAHAHAHAHAH that is awsome jdub03.

i heard an great joke from a lady at work the other day, unfortunatly it doesn't translate too well into text, but hey you can try it out on some other people.

'hey did you hear about that actress that got stabbed, reese uh...' (make out like you forget the last name)

the reply you're ment to get is 'witherspoon?' and if you get this responce say

'no with a knife'

you have to deliver <-- this line quickly though, it's all about timing.

nitsu niflheim · « **Reply #8 on:** November 26, 2003, 10:37:10 AM »

Hahaha. I got it. That was pretty good PIAC.

Ian Sane · « **Reply #9 on:** November 26, 2003, 11:09:51 AM »

Here's a couple I thought of just now:

What did the doormat say to the dog?

Step off b!tch!

*crickets chirping*

What did the bowling ball say to the bowling pins?

Nothing. Because bowling balls don't talk! AH HA HA HA HA! *wink wink nudge nudge*

What's the deal with airplane peanuts?

They're free with your flight.

*realizing he's in trouble Ian pushes the button that makes his bow tie spin*

BoboThePenguin · « **Reply #10 on:** November 26, 2003, 11:16:38 AM »

What do you call a sailor with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob!!!!!

...
...
...
Don't you get it?
XD

twinkletoes · « **Reply #11 on:** November 26, 2003, 11:49:45 AM »

Bad reception

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

ib2kool4u912 · « **Reply #12 on:** November 26, 2003, 12:22:09 PM »

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.

'Twenty bucks a trick!'

These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, 'What is a trick?'

She answers, 'Twenty bucks -- just like on the street.'

twinkletoes · « **Reply #13 on:** November 26, 2003, 12:46:34 PM »

Q.What's silver and red and waddles into walls?

A. A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.

What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?

A. A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.

Q.What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream.

A.A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.

thecubedcanuck · « **Reply #14 on:** November 26, 2003, 01:31:59 PM »

Why did Mickael Jackson go to k-mart?

He heard boys pants were half off.

nitsu niflheim · « **Reply #15 on:** November 27, 2003, 12:54:21 PM »

Ian, I found those funny for some reason. Especially the dog one.

Ian Sane · « **Reply #16 on:** November 27, 2003, 01:31:48 PM »

Thanks. My brother thought the dog one was pretty funny to so I guess it's not a terrible as a thought it was. I find that bad jokes are pretty funny if the person telling them knows it's a bad joke.

BoboThePenguin · « **Reply #17 on:** November 28, 2003, 01:30:43 AM »

What's more funny than tying ten babies to one tree?

Tying one baby to ten trees!

blackfootsteps · « **Reply #18 on:** November 28, 2003, 02:51:32 AM »

why did the boy fall off the swing?

Because he had no arms!

why did the boy fall off his bike?

Because he got hit by a fridge.

What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?

Get Down!

Swordsplay · « **Reply #19 on:** November 29, 2003, 08:14:47 PM »

what do you call a cow without any legs?

ground beef

Hostile Creation · « **Reply #20 on:** November 30, 2003, 02:15:33 PM »

Quote
those that can entertain themselves will never cease to be amused.. or something like that, that was someone's sig for a while..

Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused. That was mine for a while. Surprised you remember.

Funny jokes, all.

Swordsplay · « **Reply #21 on:** November 30, 2003, 04:31:10 PM »

I went to the book store and asked the saleswoman, "Where is the self - help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Swordsplay · « **Reply #22 on:** December 01, 2003, 04:15:29 AM »

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you ate pasta and anitpasta at the same time, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Bloodworth · « **Reply #23 on:** December 01, 2003, 10:51:07 AM »

Sorry, but a lot of the jokes posted have been somewhat offensive in one way or another. I'm going to close this one down.

News:

Author Topic: Jokes (Read 3872 times)