Topic: The Guide to Being a Video Game Villain

[TheBlackCat]

   The Guide to Being a Video Game Villain
   (and living to tell about it)

 
In video games, there are certain, usually fatal mistakes the villains make.  These mistakes give the hero, heroine, or enemy party a vital opening allowing them to defeat the villain.  Sometimes they are just small slip-ups, other times they are systemic bad policies or tactics, but if these mistakes were not made the villain would most likely succeed.  So here is what to do to avoid those mistakes and destroy your enemies once and for all.

 
Note: The use of masculine or feminine in this list usually follows the most common genders for certain roles in video games.  This does not preclude other genders, or for that matter genderless characters or groups, from filling those roles.  It simply follows certain conventions found in most games.

 

• If you have a whole army at your disposal and the hero must follow a certain path, either because the world is laid out in a line or because certain areas must be visited in a certain order, don't spread your army out along the path. Concentrate most of them right at the beginning and have them attack the hero en masse.  Better yet, aim all available artillery somewhere early in that path.
• Similarly, if you must spread your minions out, don't make them so they get gradually more powerful as the hero gets more powerful.  Put the most powerful enemies aright at the beginning
• If you have a number of very powerful bosses the hero must defeat to progress, put them all in one room and order them to attack the hero simultaneously.  Don't put them in a bunch of rooms scattered all over the place.
• If you have the technology or magic needed to clone your fallen bosses, or to create new ones at will, don't only make one of them at a time.  Make as many as you can afford and use them simultaneously.
• If your enemies get stronger as they fight more battles, you are better off not sending weak minions at all. Just send strong ones, as many as you can as soon as you can.
• Never design your ultimate weapon or monster so it has one small weak point.  It doesn't matter how small it is, or how rarely it is accessible, the hero will find a way to exploit it.  Especially don't make it glowing or blinking.
• Conversely, covering your monster or weapon with totally pointless glowing parts and blinking lights should keep most heroes occupied for a while.
• Never let the hero make it all the way to you just so you can have an amusing fight or prove your strength, no matter how confident you are in your own abilities.  If you really want a fight you can fight your minions, any good minion would gladly sacrifice his life for his master's amusement.
• Never keep the hero alive just so he can witness the birth of your ultimate monster or the completion of your ultimate weapon, no matter how unbeatable you think it is. There is a good chance he already knows its one weakness, and if not he will figure it out as soon as he begins to fight it.  If you just want to test it, test it on your minions.
• Never spare the hero's life or leave him clues as to how to navigate your bases. You are not going to impress anyone.
• Don't spare the harmless but strong willed little whelp just because you are confident in your conquest of the kingdom or your ultimate power, there is a good chance he will grow up into the fated hero in a decade or so.
• If you don't want the hero to get to you, don't leave a path he can use to reach you.  If possible, keep as much of your fortress, ship, or castle sealed as much of the time as possible.
• Especially don't lock all the doors except those leading directly to vital areas. Your minions should be smart enough to find their way around, so make it at least a little bit difficult for your enemies navigate.  This is especially true if all the rooms in your base or ship look exactly the same.
• Make sure all the signs in your base or ship are wrongly labeled, even the dumbest minions can get used to that sort of thing pretty quickly.  For instance the room labeled “reactor core” should really be “the pitch black room of  endless spikes”
• Also, don't leave several weak bosses the hero must defeat to gain access to your inner sanctum.  Especially don't use weaker versions of bosses he has already beaten.
• If you do want the hero to reach you, don't put enemies and traps in his way.  He might be killed, and if he survives he will be stronger and/or more skilled than before.
• Many heroes have some sort of strange biological fluke that prevents them from doing simple things like walking to the side, crawling on their hands and needs, working their way through bushes, or jumping over 2 inch tall stumps.  Keep a close eye out for such disabilities and use them to your advantage
• If there is one surefire way to lose a war it is to divide your forces.  So don't evenly divide up your forces amongst conquering the kingdom, killing the hero, finding The Ultimate Power, and random puppies.  Pick the objective that is most important and focus all your resources on that.  Generally the hero won't even notice you if you quietly go about finding the ultimate treasure, and generally there won't even be a hero if you level his Mom's house before he sets out on an adventure.
• If you identify a character with any of the following characteristics, the enemy is a hero and is extremely dangerous, send all forces to destroy him immediately and at any cost
         
  • The characters is small and extremely cute
  • The character wears a full body suit of armor, especially powered armor
  • The character wears a bandanna
  • You are facing twins
  • The character is carrying another creature, a robot, or a especially an AI
  • The character is female and all alone
  • The character wears all green
  • The character is a reincarnation of or uses the same name or clothing as a hero you have faced before
  • All of the character's companions magically disappear unless the group is in a battle or in a scripted sequence
  • If you are in an RPG world, anyone capable of saying more than two or three different things
     
          And the biggest warning sign:
         
  • The character is mute but no one seems to have any problem holding a conversation with him
     
• A mysterious person who appears intermittently to either taunt people, throw out unsolicited advice, randomly intervene in fights, diffuse dangerous situations, or just act mysteriously is not the hero, this is either a sage, a mentor, or The Real Villain.  It doesn't really matter which, all of these individually are a greater threat than the hero himself and should be treated as such.
• If you use a certain strategy against a hero, lose, and are lucky enough to survive (or get cloned or resurrected), don't use the exact same strategy against the hero next time you face him.  Even if you use more powerful minions or more bosses, the hero is more powerful now too so it won't help.  Think of something new.
• If you fought the hero and were either killed or sealed, and have the good fortune to be resurrected or freed generations later, there is a very good probability the hero has been reincarnated.  Your first order of business should be to find and kill anyone who looks, dresses, or is named remotely similar to the previous hero, no matter how young or old they me be.
• Heroship tends to run in families, so if you are resurrected or freed, find and kill as many descendants of the previous hero as possible given the amount of time that has elapsed and how good record keeping has been in the meantime.  Hiring a genealogist may help.
• If you have an opportunity to either capture or kill the hero, do the latter.  It doesn't matter how secure the prison is, if the hero can't escape and his friends can't rescue him then some sort of random natural disaster or accident will free him.
• If, for whatever insane reason, you take the hero prisoner, and he is being extremely cooperative, either he is trying to trick you or his friends are on their way. Kill him while you have the chance.  Making an example of him in a showy public execution is not worth it.
• If the hero needs a certain weapon to defeat your minions, find and destroy all copies of that weapon. Similarly, if certain minions can only be defeated with certain spells, find and destroy all written records of that spell and destroy any artifacts that can cast it.  This is especially true for your bosses, and essential for you.
• If for some reason you absolutely cannot do without the weapon, never, ever, leave that weapon in the same building as the minions it can defeat.  The same goes for the artifact or object that, if destroyed, will render your minions useless.  If you must, make sure it is in the very last room and the hero has to fight through all the minions to get to it.
• If there is only one item that can destroy you, you possess it, and for some reason you can't destroy it outright, don't give it to one of your trusty but far weaker bosses.  Keep it yourself, or put it in a room behind you so anyone who wants it has to go through you first.
• If you have a weakness to something, never live in a room or building full of that that thing. For instance, if you are weak against fire don't live in a volcano.
• Have similar policies for your bosses and minions.  If your minions mindless walk off pits, don't put them in an area full of pits.  If your boss cannot stand lava, don't put him next to of a lake of the stuff.
• Better yet, design your lairs to take advantage of those abilities.  For instance, if you or your minions can fly put uncrossable bottomless pits or beds of spikes in the lair.  If your minions are immune to lasers put walls of lasers in all passageways.  Incomplete walls or pits are useless, though.
• If your buildings are built out of materials the hero cannot damage, seal off all sewers and air vents with the same materials.  Making them too small to crawl through isn't enough.  Many heroes have robot drones, small animal helpers, or can shrink to a smaller size.  Make sure they form gratings at least a foot thick and with holes no larger than 1/8^th inch.
• If you are constantly tracking the hero and know exactly where he is, don't wait for him to fight through your soldiers and come you.  Send your forces after him the moment you pinpoint his position.  Or better yet send the largest air strike you can muster.
• Never make the entrances to your base obvious.  The entrance to the base should look like a wall, some random patch of ground, a cliff, anything but a door.  The grand, metal-and-oak door should open into a reinforced room packed with several tons of high explosives.
• Don't rely solely on key cards, they are too easy to steal.  If you have the technology for key cards, you also have the technology for security cameras.  Make it so security doors to vital areas and checkpoints can only be opened from the control room.  Identify authorized personnel by sight.
• Don't use retinal scans, palm print scanners, or other biometric identifiers either, they are too easy for spies to circumvent.
• If, for some reason, you must use key cards, make them unique to each user and give the users vital sign monitors.  If someone holding a key card is killed or goes unconscious, change the access codes immediately.
• The exact opposite is true for vehicles of any kind.  Make sure none of them can be operated without a key, key card, or biometric scan.  These won't hold off a hero for long, but at least they will prevent him from commandeering one of your tanks in the middle of a battle.
• Don't make your doors so they can be opened by weapons or items that can be readily found lying around or taken from your forces.  Make your doors so they must be opened by items only your forces can use.
• If your guards see the hero run around the corner, the hero is NOT gone.  Keep the security alert up until he is found.
• If your units report a problem, not matter how small, and don't report back, you have a major problem.  Send more units.
• If all the units in a room are killed after reporting a security breach, don't assume the hero is gone and turn off the security alert.  Send more units.
• If your elite forces are not smart enough to chase after the hero, they are really not that elite.  You can do better.
• If your forces are being overrun, never underestimate the usefulness of retreating to regroup or sending in reinforcements.  There is no reason for your minions to continue to fight to the last man when you have dozens of additional soldiers in the next room or a place to set up a defensive perimeter around the corner.
• If you rig your base to self destruct after you escape, don't give it a timer, make it go off instantly.  Your minions don't matter, you can easily find more. It's worth sacrificing them to kill the hero.  This is especially true if you have back up forces hiding at a safe distance, or if it the bomb is being used for revenge if you die.
• If, for whatever reason, there must be a delay before a bomb goes off, don't display a countdown timer.  If for some bizarre reason you are actually concerned with the well being of your forces, inform them how long they have to escape and give them stopwatches.  Alternatively, set the bomb to go off when the timer says there is 5 minutes left and warn your minions of this fact.
• If you rig your base to self destruct, make sure you, and only you can activate it.  Make sure there are at least 3 biometric identifiers and a 30 digit pass code.  And never, ever correctly label it.
• By all means, have a button labeled "Self Destruct", just make it so the button itself is the only thing that self destructs (with enough force to take out anyone nearby)
• If you have the resources to pay and equip hundreds of minions, you can surely afford to hire a few skilled assassins to kill the hero.
• If you do hire skilled assassins, don't have them announce their intentions to the hero, challenge the hero to a duel, or carry out any other sort of frontal attack in broad daylight.  Have them attack when the hero isn't looking, or better yet when he is asleep.  Never hire assassins that insist on doing something stupid like giving the hero a fighting chance.
• Never send skilled assassins or trusty lieutenants of the opposite sex against the hero (or homosexuals of the same sex).  Always send members with opposite gender preferences.  Minions don't matter, but assassins and lieutenants are likely to fall in love with the hero. If you are up against a multi-gendered group, send assassins or lieutenants of an incompatible species or eunuchs.
• If you have taken control of an incredibly powerful, vicious, and mindless monster, never let it loose while you are in the same room.  No matter how well you think you have it under control, there is a good chance it will turn on you and kill you.  Better yet, don't let it loose while you are in the same time zone.
• I don't care what the ancient legend says, the Demon Lord is not going to obey you.  Just suggesting such a thing to it will probably get you killed for your insolence, if not just for fun.
• If an ancient race went to great lengths to seal off a powerful creature or species, there is probably a good reason.  If they couldn't control it neither can you, leave it be.  Unless of course your objective is destroying everything, in which case release as many of them as you can.
• If you are going to unseal a powerful creature or species with the intent of destroying everything, don't do it when the hero is around.  Most such creatures grow more powerful by consuming innocent victims, so letting it loose on defenseless village is more effective.
• I don't care what happened, if you don't have a body the hero isn't dead.  Even if you do have a body the hero may not be dead, but if the hero just fell of a cliff or got washed away in a flood or his airship crashed you should assume the hero is alive and send out a search party immediately.
• If you have a great deal of magical skill and there are healing spells available, learn them. They aren't as flashy or sinister but you can be as flashy and sinister as you want when the hero is defeated.  Similarly, if there are items that can restore your health, magic meter, or some other stat, get a stockpile of them and use them as often as possible.
• If you have several attacks, don't save your best ones until the hero has whittled away half your health, use them immediately and as often as you can.  Similarly, if you are capable of moving quickly, don't move slowly until your health is almost gone and then start panicking.
• Never randomly cycle through attacks if you can avoid it.  Use your most powerful attacks whenever possible.  Only use weaker attacks if the stronger ones stop being effective.  If you must intersperse weak attacks with strong ones, use healing spells or items for the weak attacks.
• If you are able to teleport, and you don't end up naked on the other end, you obviously can carry stuff with you.  Rather than waiting to steal the Ultimate Power from the hero just before he touches it, grab it as early as possible, then use your teleportation to drop artillery, monsters, cruise ships, and such on the hero from a safe altitude.  Or better yet just teleport into his hotel room and stab him in his sleep.
• If two of your enemies are ready to fight each other, don't identify yourself as The Real Villain just before or during the battle.  Wait until one of them kills the other, then simply kill the victor without warning before he has a chance to recover.
• Never make a trap or use an attack that eliminates all but 1 unit of the hero's health, any trap or attack should be able to do that 1 more unit needed to finish the hero off.  If it really is impossible, follow that trap up immediately with another trap or attack that does at least 1 unit of damage.
• If the hero is aided by a trusty scientist or weapons smith who makes cool gadgets and powerful items for him, kill the helper, destroy whatever items and documents of his you can find, and vaporize his house.  It will likely enrage the hero, but it's worth it to cut off the hero's supply of upgraded equipment.  Destroying the house helps guarantee that the ultimate item the helper hid in the event of his demise will never be found. Never, ever, under any circumstances keep anything the helper made, no matter how tempting it may be.
• Make sure you eliminate all weapon trainers who refuse to be in your exclusive employ.  House those that cooperate in your personal barracks.  This goes for contests involving weapons or shooting of any kind.
• Unlike movie villains, video game villains are not supposed to have independent thought or initiative. If one of your minions starts doing things without being ordered to or moving around behind your back, he is most likely going to betray you.  He may even be The Real Villain.
• On the other hand, feel free to plant as many spies or saboteurs wherever you want.  No one on the side of Good will ever, under any circumstances, doubt anyone who claims to be good no matter how suspiciously they act.  Similarly, lying about turning good may be enough to get you off the hook,
• If you are not The Real Villain, make sure someone is your enemy before trying to kill him.  It is a lot easier to work with someone from the beginning than to try to kill them for a while then join his party.  You can't really predict how a hero will behave in this situation, even those that won't defend themselves against “good” soldiers or villagers may still kill a villain that tries to turn good just for the heck of it.
• If the ancients left a bunch of powerful magical or technological artifacts lying around, send as many forces as you can spare to find them and destroy them immediately.  Don't bring them back, don't try to use them yourself, destroy them.
• If you kidnap the hero's girlfriend or “very close female friend” for the sole purpose of luring the hero into a trap, just kill her. Heroes usually don't ask for proof of life and, if he does, threatening to kill her if he asks again should be enough to shut him up.  This prevents the girlfriend from tricking you, prevents her from escaping or revealing your foolproof trap, and saves on food and water. This, of course, doesn't apply if you are kidnapping the girlfriend so you can marry her.
• If you want to marry the hero's girlfriend or “very close female friend”, don't wait until the hero has arrived or schedule some fancy ceremony in a few weeks.  Marry her immediately in private.  Announce it immediately afterward, knowing that his girlfriend is married might be enough to dissuade the hero from continuing.  You can have the lavish ceremony once the hero is defeated.
• Although killing the girlfriend or “very close female friend” after capturing here is a good plan, killing her directly in front of the hero is the worst thing you can do.  There is a very good chance he will fly into a murderous rage or unleash some ultimate attack
• If you kill the hero in a universe where time traveling is commonplace, you can't sit back and relax. The hero's friends are probably already carrying out a plan to save the hero by replacing him with a duplicate at the last moment.
• Don't give your mindless minions money, potions, keys, or anything else besides weapons.  If they are mindless they can't make proper use of such items, so the only one who will benefit from them is the hero.
• Zombies are hurt by healing spells, so logically they can be healed by well placed damage. Order them to hurt themselves to counteract such spells, or if they are too mindless have your own forces do it for them.
• When attacking the hero, there is nothing wrong with disguising your troops. You're a villain, after all.  Making them look like friendly units or common villagers allows them to get a lot closer without being spotted.  Also, many heroes are psychologically incapable of fighting villagers or “good” soldiers even if attacked first.
• Along similar lines, although vicious, disgusting monsters make an impact, cute, fuzzy, doe-eyed monsters are less likely to be killed on sight.  This make them more likely to get close enough to strike.
• No matter how well it sets the mood, don't play your specially composed personal theme just before attacking the hero.
• If the ancient sage that is the sole holder of information vital to the hero escapes your grasp, make sure you eliminate any close friends, family, or students.  Any such person is likely the hero or the hero's girlfriend or “close female friend”, and if not they will tell the hero where to find the sage.
• If you want a save state nearby for your own use, don't put it just outside the main entrance to your chamber.  Put it in a locked room at the back of your chamber, and carry the only key on your person.  If it is for your minions’ use, put it near their barracks.

   
This article was inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List.  If you have suggestions for additional rules, please post them.  I am especially in need of RPG rules, as I am rather unfamiliar with the genre.

[UncleBob]

>Conversley, covering your monster or weapon with totally pointless glowing parts and blinking lights should keep most heros occupied for a while.

I approve of this idea.

[Caterkiller]

I only read #19 and thought it was gold. Good stuff!

[BlackNMild2k1]

>Spell Check<

18. If there is one surefire way to lost lose a war it is to divide your forces.

33. If you are constantly tracking the hero and know exactly where he is, don't wait for him

50. If you do hired skilled assassins

57. They aren't as flashy or sinister but you can be as flashy and/or as sinister as you want when the hero is defeated.

61. If two of your enemies are ready to fighting each other

69. Heroes usually don't ask for proof of life, and if he does, threatening to kill her if he asks again should be enough to shut him up.


I may not have caught everything, but I wanted to help out.
I would love to see a movie or game based off this list from the point of view of an up and coming Evil Overlord trying to get it right the first time, while the expected hero is readying himself for his journey of destiny and fate.

[Stratos]

There was a similar list I read once except it was a list of RPG cliches (and nearly everyone could be linked to a Square title of some kind). That one had me rolling.

[TheBlackCat]

>Spell Check<

Thanks, fixed.  Although I am also looking for suggestions of similar rules.

[TheBlackCat]

There was a similar list I read once except it was a list of RPG cliches (and nearly everyone could be linked to a Square title of some kind). That one had me rolling.

Yes, I know several such lists.

[Mop it up]

>Conversely, covering your monster or weapon with totally pointless glowing parts and blinking lights should keep most heroes occupied for a while.

I approve of this idea.

Definitely the best one.

A good read, but it's entirely too long. Many of these are redundant as they say essentially the same thing, they could be compacted.

I've got a bow and I spit eggs. I guess that makes me a villain, but not The Real Villain.

[TheBlackCat]

If you have specific suggestions I would be glad to incorporate them.